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      Welcome to the forum!   09/17/2017

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Found 1 result

  1. Aspie Couples

    I'm curious if anyone else here is part of an Aspie couple. I've heard people speak of NT spouses more often, and this forum is the only place I really talk to other people with Asperger's, so as far as I know I've not met anyone else in my position so I'm wondering if there would be any parallels. He is the first person I've ever been with who was not NT, and it has been an entirely different experience from day one; there are still ups and downs of course. I would say the difference there is that the ups have been more extreme, as have the downs. For the first few years, it was sort of an emotional roller coaster. We, of course, became very attached to one another very quickly. I think it has been a huge blessing that while my husband was, at one time, more severe in his lack of social skills, he is now more highly functioning than me. He has spent years and years learning how to be an effective communicator, and he reads me so well that it seemed like witchcraft to me in the beginning. When he met me I was in a low place, and not even attempting to recover from trauma. He understood the things I was feeling and helped me practice talking and explaining things. Sometimes it pissed me off tremendously. There were times in the beginning of our relationship where he would literally make me sit down and talk to him about things, things I didn't want to talk about and had no idea how to talk about. It made me so mad that a few times I thought about breaking up with him, but then when I calmed down I had to reason with myself that he was trying to help me, and might actually be somewhat equipped to do so. Anyone I've dated has gotten on my nerves. Hell, for that matter, everyone will probably annoy me, eventually. Unfortunately, it's kind of just a matter of time. But with my husband, the things he did or said that irritated me were always, in retrospect, things I'd later realize were things I did. It has been rather eye-opening, and I can ever really get so mad at him, because it would be so hypocritical. It made me have to think about my choices. When I consider the times I've done something to someone that he does to me that's irritating ( such as being dismissive), it never occurred to me that they were getting irritated or hurt, and even if I did manage to notice, my reaction was sort of like, "Eh, they'll get over it". If they didn't get over it immediately, I would consider it a great inconvenience. I never realized how selfish I was until I lived with someone like me. Has this made me less selfish? Honestly, I don't think so, but it has made me more patient and compassionate, in a way. When he says or does something that's annoying, I think back to the times I've done the same thing, and wanted them to just not get offended, because being offensive had nothing to do with my words or actions. So, that's what I would do, I'd just get over it. I'd think, what's are you going to do, get a divorce because he wont take your suggestion or because he's been rambling on the phone for an hour every day lately while he drives home and you want that extra hour of "me" time? Of course not, because he's your favorite person in the world. And what would an argument do? It would only create a real problem, one that wasn't there, before. So I just smile, shake my head and move on with life. So, in a lot of ways, being with another Aspie has been like looking into a mirror, and it shows both the good and the bad, with some quirky differences that keeps things very interesting. I do sometimes feel guilty, or to be totally honest and accurate, I feel that I ought to feel guilty about the fact that since we've been together I barely talk to anyone else. The truth is, there were never very many people in my life to begin with because that's how I like it; the more people in my life there are, the more complications and obstacles that aren't worth the trouble. The few people in my life were either family members, or one of the two close friends I have, both of whom are NT and know what I am, and accept me. I talk to my family less, but that has been because they are excruciatingly irritating to me, and for me to keep them in my life at all, I need them to be in the peripheral, because that's all I can take of them. Basically, my human contact needs are met 100% by my husband, which I am well aware that in the NT world, is immediately classified as negative, wrong or unhealthy in some way. I know that when I was younger before I was diagnosed, that's what I would've thought, too. But I feel pretty confident in saying that healthy lifestyles can vary to an extent depending on the individual, as I have tried to exist happily with an common sort of NT life, and found it to be a living hell. As a married adult, I've only recently begun to live the life that pleases me, and sometimes that pisses people off, which is always a sign to me that they may be even more selfish than me, and don't know what love is. My husband is the only person I've ever known to see me whole and to understand me, and that has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. Even if he is a sh*t sometimes, like me.
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