Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Willow

      Welcome to the forum!   09/17/2017

      Please come in from the rain and sit by the fire! We're happy you found us and hope you will feel at home here.  
Bongo

Relationship Preference (As And Non-As)

Recommended Posts

Bongo

I was asked this recently, that when/if I ever get a girlfriend if I'm looking for her to have Aspergers too and wondered what others think in terms of having a relationship with a Aspie or non-Aspie. To be honest it's not really a big deal for me as long as she is understanding and we have lots in common. And you limit yourself if you say "I will only date Aspies". Don't get me wrong, it would be cool to have that mutual connection and understanding through AS but it's not the only way plus there's no guarantee it would work just because you both have AS infact in some cases it can cause more problems. We'll see..  :P

Edited by Bongo
  • Helpful 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Saveyourscissors

My boyfriend doesn't have AS but i think he does and so does my family! Maybe a little milder than my AS though! All my other exes were neurotypicql but yeah I think josh would be diagnosis if we seeked it! Although he doesn't agree but don't limit yourself, I think there is someone for everyone and the right girl will appear when you least expect it!

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
King_oni

I'm in a relationship with an aspie right now, and while a lot of it is mutual understanding, there are moments where I'm (or she probably as well) like "there's always something wrong, isn't there?"... that's kinda difficult. For me at least. I'm already having to deal with my own issue, I don't know if adding my partners issues does help me out a lot. On the other hand, I've been told by her that at least I'm somewhat thoughtfull of her and handle it in a good way. I don't tend to have a meltdown cause of the extra stress, but I tend to start a conversation and talk her out of her issues that just came up. That however, requires a bit of work, and I'm quite sure it's not for everyone.

 

But hey, I've been a bit of a diplomat between my parents for a good while when they had issues they, as NT's should've been sorting out themselves. And I seem to have this aspie-radar going on for myself, which makes me wonder if I'm actually a bit of a person anyone, including aspies will listen to and eventually calm down after talking to them.

 

On the other hand, I don't really aim for the "aspie approach", I'm used to it. Pretty much everyone in my social group is on the spectrum and in the past I've dated people who easily could pass off as being on the spectrum as well. So maybe I just have this form of "aspie tact" how to resolve issues with people on the spectrum more easily... because the real issue for me are non-aspies, lol

Edited by King_oni

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kuribo [old account]

I'd just want someone who is kind, non-judgemental and understanding, whether Autistic or Neurotypical. Don't ever fall into the trap of thinking that "kind, non-judgemental and understanding" will always apply to an Autistic person. It does not.

  • Helpful 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HalfFull

I've had a relationship with an Aspie and with someone lively to have mild learning difficulties. The other person who nearly became my girlfriend was probably NT but seemed close enough to being Aspie. It would be interesting to try an AS-NT relationship but probably haven't experienced it yet. I would take the person as they are. Either were compatible or were not. Aspie-Aspie relationships can be awkward when traits clash, if one person needs more support than most partners would, but the other is less able to give that support than most partners would be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike_GX101

It really wouldn't enter the equation whether the person was aspie or not.  I don't judge a person like that.  If you jell with someone and the feeling is mutual but you subsequently discover in time they're AS would you really turn your back on them?

Edited by Mike_GX101
  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike_GX101

Some times you see publicity materials that paint a certain negative slant on autistic relationships where it is clear someone has gone to a lot of trouble to get things looking as awkward and out of place as possible.  But it really isn't always like that in the real world.  Clearly publicity material aims to achieve reaching out to target audiences but often that means it has to bend or distort reality and take it to the nth degree of ridiculousness.  The real truth doesn't always photograph very well so they have to exaggerate it in order to draw attention to it.  But some times that means creating a level of awkwardness that doesn't actually always exist.

Edited by Mike_GX101

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ASDCommunity

If you get a human and that human is nice and I think that we are people and people who are not on the spectrum are people. I would rather not have us as exotic or forbidden or a charity to take on board or anything else. See someone that you like and they like you, then do you have to explain away or justify your attraction?

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spiderwoman0_2

I'm an NT with some AS/OCD traits and I married a man with AS (undiagnosed but definitely is lol :P )  We get on very well and even say the same things at the same time. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sofi

I really want a relationship. But I would not say I only want one with someone else on the spectrum either, I wouldn't judge like that either as long as they were good for me, but I can't exactly imagine getting on well with a neurotypical person for a relationship, they'd have to be amazingly understanding of me and knowledge of ASD. I would prefer if they were on the spectrum too but much higher functioning than me so they could take control of situations and help me out. I could help them too with other stuff.

I don't understand relationships but I want to learn

  • Helpful 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
the strangest man

Twenty fifth wedding anniversary coming up 17th December, wife most certainly off the spectrum though we've only know I'm on it for the last nine months. From my experience it's not the prospective wife to be worried about, it's the kids that may follow! NT or AS their behaviour will be off the normal adult spectrum by the age of two :-) And neither chocolate nor roses will pacify them when they get to eighteen and think daddy's car is available for driving lessons, and he kindly declines.

  • Helpful 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

My husband is NT but has a few AS traits - and it is those aspects of his character that attracted me to him. He seemed a lot different to other men I'd met. He is very tolerant of me and my quirks, another guy would have given up long ago.

  • Helpful 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
the strangest man

My husband is NT but has a few AS traits - and it is those aspects of his character that attracted me to him. He seemed a lot different to other men I'd met. He is very tolerant of me and my quirks, another guy would have given up long ago.

Nesf,

I'm sure your husband is a very lucky man. The girls I have met on the spectrum have without exception been some of the kindest I have ever met, honest and kind to a fault.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aspiesw

I think I'd prefer to date an aspie right now to be honest. I need someone that understands me right now. I feel misunderstood by everyone

Edited by aspiesw

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sofi

I've had a relationship with an Aspie and with someone lively to have mild learning difficulties. The other person who nearly became my girlfriend was probably NT but seemed close enough to being Aspie. It would be interesting to try an AS-NT relationship but probably haven't experienced it yet. I would take the person as they are. Either were compatible or were not. Aspie-Aspie relationships can be awkward when traits clash, if one person needs more support than most partners would, but the other is less able to give that support than most partners would be.

How could I Learn about relationships? I really want to learn

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InsomniaDreams

I don't understand what a relationship is or what it entails from my point of view tbh. If I was in a relationship I'd be the last one to know I was in one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Heather

I'm in a relationship with a man with AS, though I have no experience with any other man, so I can't compare.  Though I know that I would have had a lot of trouble meeting anyone else, especially in person.  With my Chris I was able to talk to him and get to know him and form a solid friendship before we started our relationship or met in person, which was really good for when we did meet in person.  It's a much more relaxed way of meeting someone.  I think that people who have AS or autism should not limit themselves only to someone else who has it, though I think that they will likely end up with someone who at least has traits of AS/autism.  And I think that relationships between autistic individuals are awesome!  But of course I'm biased.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
King_oni

. I would prefer if they were on the spectrum too but much higher functioning than me so they could take control of situations and help me out.

 

This somewhat sums up my relationship right now.

 

The risk you have with this is that the relationship turns into some kind of babysitting effort if your partner isn't somewhat grounded. I'm actually having situations where I think my girlfriend is just trying to take the easy way out and let me do it; I don't remember her ordering food at any place if we're together... yet she's perfectly fine doing groceries and ordering food if she's alone.

 

That's where I sometimes wonder about her and how far she is on the spectrum, or at least makes me believe.

 

Also, and this is a major issue for me and something worth thinking about; she still lives at her parents place (well, so do I) but I do make my own choices for pretty much everything and thus if something comes up I obviously have no clue what went on with her. It tends to turn talks about her stressing out over things really redundant and not moving forward since I can't give her any actual advice or support where it is due. On the other hand, I don't want to be her caretaker either, I don't want to be involved with each and every thing she has going on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FlanMaster

1) as previously stated, traits in common do not necessarily equate to a compatible match

2) NT does not equate to "ability to tolerate/cope/adjust/handle/accept". etc.

3) as far as relationships go a person's traits may lend to the success or failure of a relationship, but they will never be good qualifiers.

 

The only reason my NT wife and I are still together is pure stubbornness, we're both too stubborn to quit.  Through that we have moved past the physical infatuation into a true form of love, if it is a bit quirky.   Honestly, neither of our needs are being met right now, with her in school and me struggling with depression from not having steady income, etc.

 

Her needs are heavily security oriented, all of which revolve around me earning substantial finances.  My needs are more emotional, all revolving around companionship issues such as doing things together (and enjoying them, etc.), hugs, kisses, physical reassurance that we are still a team, etc.  She is too tired and undesiring of the reassurances I crave.  I am unable to accommodate the security things due to the lack of income, which is exacerbated by my quirks and difficulty I have "whoring myself out" to the public in order to gain customers.  Something I have to overcome sooner than later.

 

My wife will never go out and find a full time standard job as she is adamant in her belief that it is "the man's role" to provide financially for the family and the "woman's role" to raise the children and manage the household.  I will probably never have one again as I no longer live in an economy where I can bypass the human resources computerized screening process by finding someone and sharing my work with them.  Computers can be a good thing, but with the automation of the employee screening process, coupled with the "personality tests" they give, I have effectively been hidden from every potential employer out there that would give me a chance if they got to know me in regards to my work skills, and abilities.

 

thus, my relationship, the woes and hardships therein are exacerbated by my AS issues, and complicated by her "moral beliefs" in man versus woman roles, but the continuation of our relationship is not based on our commonalities, or her being NT or my being AS.  It is continued simply because we are two individuals who believe that once we have made a commitment of such magnanimous proportions, we do our best to follow it through, and when we fail, we try again.

 

Ours is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we continue to try, which is more than I can say for many relationships today.

 

So it boils down to whether or not you have the tenacity to make a relationship work, and whether or not the partner you chooses also has the tenacity to make it work.  NT or AS become completely irrelevant.

 

If you don't have the ability for things like physical intimacy, or supporting your partner emotionally, then you're going to need to find a partner who doesn't need those things, which will be rare to find someone who can both give you what you need, while not needing you to give them something in return.  That kind of ability to sacrifice is usually developed slowly over time, and rarely comes up front.

 

One of our acquaintances is the wife in a marriage.  She absolutely hates physical intimacy, but she gives it to her husband because she knows that is important to him.  She tolerates it because he provides her encouragement and support in the areas that she needs it.  They have grown into a mutual understanding, and if either became unable to fulfill their end of the relationship, the other would accept the sacrifices needed to make the relationship continue, I am confident of this based off of what I have seen and heard from them.  However, had this woman gotten married then said "hands off" to his advances, after he waited so patiently while they dated, I am sure he would have gotten the marriage annulled right away.

 

Relationships are not just having someone to care for you, they are a burden and a sacrifice on your part that you need to be aware of and willing to commit to before going into one.  Screen the person carefully before becoming involved.  Not whether or not they are AS or NT, but whether they will demand something of you you are not willing to give (s e x for instance, being touched, kissed, cuddled, and more, AND reciprocating in a fashion gratifying to your partner.).  What if your potential partner wants to go out every friday night to crowded dance bars?  Can you handle it?  can you deal with the confusion, the noise, the clutter, the claustrophobia? 

 

What about when you want to take it to the next level.  Assess yourself before wanting a relationship so much.  See if you have what it takes to overcome your quirks in order to succeed.  Can you deal with morning halitosis, rolling over to have your sleeping partner exhale poop breath onto your face?  Can you cope with seeing him or her scratching his or her butt crack WITH A HAND, snorting and farting all the way to the bathroom, where S/he may or may not wash his/her hands after wiping his/her poopy bottom? 

 

Body smells are a real turn off for me, but I learned how to turn off my olfactories for situations that required me to have my nose near an offending area.  Can you handle kissing someone who has eaten something that you find offensive?  (garlic or onions, or oysters, or some thai food that smells like an unwashed body part of one region or another).  what about someone that likes being kissed "all over"  kissing the back may sound innocuous, but trust me, if they have been exercising/working hard/sweating all day, odors waft up quickly and your mind may go from "back" to "butt" in a very quick and unpleasant fashion.  can you block this out without running to the bathroom, gagging, threatening to hurl?

 

Some have mentioned in another thread how certain types of touch are offensive, even from your partner.  Are you willing to overcome this or do you think you should be accepted, as is, no warranties expressed nor implied, while expecting your partner to accommodate your "needs"?

 

When considering all of this, it becomes more about whether you, with AS can be successful, than whether you prefer AS or NT in your partners, as both AS and NT's vary widely, but NT's vary to a much greater extent than those with AS.

 

With AS you can rest assured you will get someone who is bound to be offended at something about you.  With NT you have no idea what you're going to get, and rarely is it "for the good" in and of itself. 

 

What makes anything good is when 1) you are willing to commit and work, and 2) your partner is also.  Then it can be the best, even if you both argue about stupid things.

  • Helpful 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

However you meet or whoever it is will be down to the people you are. Being NT or Autistic has nothing to do with a relationship its if there is an attraction and the two personalities. Don't think ahead as in who you would like to meet just take life as it is and when you do you will find the right person. Maybe not straight away but eventually and don't try too hard putting pressure on yourself won't help either,

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ASDCommunity

Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. It is not the thing that defines you as a person. 

When or if it happens then so long as you are both happy then the working out of who has what and how ought not really matter.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DominikaCupcake

I think that a relationship between two aspies doesn't necessarily has to be succesful. I'm in a relationship with a neurotypical guy and i'm happy with it, because he understands things in a different way than i do and can explain things to me that i don't understand which makes my life easier. Through our relationship (which is also a great friendship) i learned more about people's facial expressions and feelings. Sometimes it seems more like babysitting than relationship and sometimes it's difficult to be with me and stand my behaviors, but i wouldn't be happier with anyone else.

  • Helpful 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike_GX101

When considering all of this, it becomes more about whether you, with AS can be successful, than whether you prefer AS or NT in your partners, as both AS and NT's vary widely, but NT's vary to a much greater extent than those with AS.

 

Such a thing can only really be gauged over time, and that of course, means you have to give it a go to find out.  Where some might fail many others will succeed.  It is often a game of probability where the more one tries the more chance they are of succeeding.  Never under-estimate the strategy of trial-and-error.  If you fail, learn from it and try again.

Edited by Mike_GX101
  • Helpful 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FlanMaster

Such a thing can only really be gauged over time, and that of course, means you have to give it a go to find out.  Where some might fail many others will succeed.  It is often a game of probability where the more one tries the more chance they are of succeeding.  Never under-estimate the strategy of trial-and-error.  If you fail, learn from it and try again.

 

Agreed, but you can assess yourself based off your experiences.  You can determine whether or not you will be willing to step outside of your comfort zone to make a relationship succeed.  By diligent self-examination, you can take steps to prepare, increasing the chances of success within the relationship, unless of course you are completely unwilling to modify yourself for the sake of others, and this too is good to know, and share with a potential partner, before entering into a relationship.  Preparation aids success.

Edited by FlanMaster
  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike_GX101

Agreed, but you can assess yourself based off your experiences.  You can determine whether or not you will be willing to step outside of your comfort zone to make a relationship succeed.  By diligent self-examination, you can take steps to prepare, increasing the chances of success within the relationship, unless of course you are completely unwilling to modify yourself for the sake of others, and this too is good to know, and share with a potential partner, before entering into a relationship.  Preparation aids success.

 

Agreed.  But comfort-zone awareness only comes from experience.  Often that kind of experience only emerges when one leaves home.  Preparation of course aids success as we see in nature.  For example birds build nests high above the ground where they accommodate their young until they are ready to fly.  Some are not quite ready but get pushed.  It is a daunting process but with it comes the experience to navigate zones of comfort that had not originally been experienced but which subsequently turn out to be well within the means of the budding individual.  Unless that push happens though one will never experience their capacity for success as they will forever be too frightened to try.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×