Relationship Preference (As And Non-As)

[Nesf 9,159]

This somewhat sums up my relationship right now.

 

The risk you have with this is that the relationship turns into some kind of babysitting effort if your partner isn't somewhat grounded. I'm actually having situations where I think my girlfriend is just trying to take the easy way out and let me do it; I don't remember her ordering food at any place if we're together... yet she's perfectly fine doing groceries and ordering food if she's alone.

 

That's where I sometimes wonder about her and how far she is on the spectrum, or at least makes me believe.

 

Also, and this is a major issue for me and something worth thinking about; she still lives at her parents place (well, so do I) but I do make my own choices for pretty much everything and thus if something comes up I obviously have no clue what went on with her. It tends to turn talks about her stressing out over things really redundant and not moving forward since I can't give her any actual advice or support where it is due. On the other hand, I don't want to be her caretaker either, I don't want to be involved with each and every thing she has going on.

 

I also do what you said your girlfriend does, and when I'm at a restaurant prefer to let my NT husband do the ordering, etc, and to organise things. It's not because I can't do them, it's because it takes an effort from me to concentrate on doing them and to overcome my feelings of fear, I feel anxious because I find it all a bit awkward and if I can get away with another person doing these for me who can do them better, then i will. I'm very passive. I can be independent, but i have to put a lot of effort into it, because it involves overcoming anxiety, and feelings of being awkward and inadequacy.

[FlanMaster 69]

Agreed.  But comfort-zone awareness only comes from experience.  Often that kind of experience only emerges when one leaves home.  Preparation of course aids success as we see in nature.  For example birds build nests high above the ground where they accommodate their young until they are ready to fly.  Some are not quite ready but get pushed.  It is a daunting process but with it comes the experience to navigate zones of comfort that had not originally been experienced but which subsequently turn out to be well within the means of the budding individual.  Unless that push happens though one will never experience their capacity for success as they will forever be too frightened to try.

 

And with the increased complexity of the human family structures versus birds or other animals, there are ample opportunities to "practice".  It doesn't always happen, but the opportunity is there.  As a child, I was infatuated with a distant cousin.  In school I found attraction to specific individuals.  At home I learned, harshly due to the dysfunction of my home, to step outside of my "comfort zone".  There are families that will try to guard or protect their young, smothering the chances they have to grow, and this is unfortunate, but by and large, We are intelligent creatures, and we can look at ourselves and say "am I willing to take a chance and put up with things that cause me great stress?"  If we are, then we need to practice.  If we are not, then we need to practice.  If we will not practice, then we need to practice.

 

A simple example: several types of noises drive me absolutely crazy.  One is metal scraping, on either teeth or other metals, or certain ceramics (plates, etc.)  This makes meal times an extreme challenge for me.  It even makes cooking a challenge for me.  I can use one of my favorite crutches, wooden and plastic utensils, to cook and eat with, but the plastic is bad for the environment, and the wood is not always practical, especially when going out.  I have found that I can "dampen" sound by "flexing" my tongue muscle and throat muscles in a particular way that blocks the tubes going from the ears to the throat.  I can also, when doing this, gently click my back teeth together to create sound vibrations in my jaw that interfere with the external sounds that assault my senses.  I mentioned that I found that I have the ability to close off my olfactories.  It's done somewhat similarly but with less complexity, this blocks out smells and some food tastes that I find offensive.  I have learned to eat foods that make me want to gag, just to accommodate the social situation.  I find, when doing my "sound dampening" ritual, that it is more forgivable to constantly ask people to repeat themselves, than it is for me to get up shivering and shaking like I have bugs all over me, running out of the room with my hands over my ears screaming "God help me I can't stand it!" People just don't understand that 2nd reaction to a fork scraping their teeth or ceramic plate, or metal bowl.  I have found it is easier to eat food in a manner that deadens my taste buds and smell than it is to ask forgiveness from refusing to eat and having to explain that the smell brings to mind images of an unwashed disease infected buttox, or that the taste makes me think of the odor of foot fungus.

 

My point is, do we have the willingness to change in order to make it work, do we have the willingness to "tough it out"?  if so, then we need to practice within what we have, given the complex nature of human family structure, before going out into the world, expecting everyone to meet our needs while refusing to meet everyone else's needs.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared. 

 

Humans get better at wars and conflicts with experience, but they rarely succeed going into war completely blind, untrained, unprepared.  How, then do you prepare for war if you don't have the experience?  you rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you.  You practice fighting with your colleagues, you step outside of your "comfort zone" in a safe setting that is designed to facilitate "practicing".  Nothing can prepare a warrior for emotions that accompany taking another life, except taking another life, but the motions, disciplines, training, skills, can all be obtained before that unfortunate time occurs.

 

It's better to practice the platonic things that will be needed in a relationship before you become involved in one.  Learning to tolerate touch, learning to do for others.  Learning to control your meltdowns (finding coping mechanisms,etc.) 

[Mike_GX101 344]

And with the increased complexity of the human family structures versus birds or other animals, there are ample opportunities to "practice".  It doesn't always happen, but the opportunity is there.  As a child, I was infatuated with a distant cousin.  In school I found attraction to specific individuals.  At home I learned, harshly due to the dysfunction of my home, to step outside of my "comfort zone".  There are families that will try to guard or protect their young, smothering the chances they have to grow, and this is unfortunate, but by and large, We are intelligent creatures, and we can look at ourselves and say "am I willing to take a chance and put up with things that cause me great stress?"  If we are, then we need to practice.  If we are not, then we need to practice.  If we will not practice, then we need to practice.

 

A simple example: several types of noises drive me absolutely crazy.  One is metal scraping, on either teeth or other metals, or certain ceramics (plates, etc.)  This makes meal times an extreme challenge for me.  It even makes cooking a challenge for me.  I can use one of my favorite crutches, wooden and plastic utensils, to cook and eat with, but the plastic is bad for the environment, and the wood is not always practical, especially when going out.  I have found that I can "dampen" sound by "flexing" my tongue muscle and throat muscles in a particular way that blocks the tubes going from the ears to the throat.  I can also, when doing this, gently click my back teeth together to create sound vibrations in my jaw that interfere with the external sounds that assault my senses.  I mentioned that I found that I have the ability to close off my olfactories.  It's done somewhat similarly but with less complexity, this blocks out smells and some food tastes that I find offensive.  I have learned to eat foods that make me want to gag, just to accommodate the social situation.  I find, when doing my "sound dampening" ritual, that it is more forgivable to constantly ask people to repeat themselves, than it is for me to get up shivering and shaking like I have bugs all over me, running out of the room with my hands over my ears screaming "God help me I can't stand it!" People just don't understand that 2nd reaction to a fork scraping their teeth or ceramic plate, or metal bowl.  I have found it is easier to eat food in a manner that deadens my taste buds and smell than it is to ask forgiveness from refusing to eat and having to explain that the smell brings to mind images of an unwashed disease infected buttox, or that the taste makes me think of the odor of foot fungus.

 

My point is, do we have the willingness to change in order to make it work, do we have the willingness to "tough it out"?  if so, then we need to practice within what we have, given the complex nature of human family structure, before going out into the world, expecting everyone to meet our needs while refusing to meet everyone else's needs.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared. 

 

Humans get better at wars and conflicts with experience, but they rarely succeed going into war completely blind, untrained, unprepared.  How, then do you prepare for war if you don't have the experience?  you rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you.  You practice fighting with your colleagues, you step outside of your "comfort zone" in a safe setting that is designed to facilitate "practicing".  Nothing can prepare a warrior for emotions that accompany taking another life, except taking another life, but the motions, disciplines, training, skills, can all be obtained before that unfortunate time occurs.

 

It's better to practice the platonic things that will be needed in a relationship before you become involved in one.  Learning to tolerate touch, learning to do for others.  Learning to control your meltdowns (finding coping mechanisms,etc.) 

 

Thankfully I don't suffer with over-sensitive hearing.  I know most cats do though, even when they're asleep.  Owls too have highly-sensitive hearing.  Some humans do too.  Perhaps it's an evolutionary thing.  Sadly more and more things in our environment create humming noises or sharp noises such as refrigerators, TV's and microwaves.  Perhaps technology will send our evolution in the opposite direction eventually and hearing will be dampened to accommodate our new technological environments.  Those who have high-sensitivity to noises will just have to grin and bear or at least use ear plugs/filters.

 

But yes by all means - training goes with anything.  Take sea surfing for example.  Learners will not try to surf through the Hawaii Big Pipelines for very obvious reasons - i.e. the risks would be too great.  Those kinds of waves are only risked by the very best.  There is serious risk for both the learners and the experts but the difference is the experts can manage those risks.  They will know little nuances that can increase their chances that the learners won't know.  There may even be virtual surfing training programs that a learner can try without risking serious life or limb.  Then one day they go out and can sea surf like the experts!  But clearly the experts would have had to try a real one at some point, hence overcoming their comfort zone by taking a risk.  But one can only do that when one is comfortable enough and has trained sufficiently in the first place.

 

Some birds are late to fly and maybe some end up abandoned and have no one to push them.  But intelligent creatures adapt and after a bit of trial-and-error most will fly eventually.  Learning is a matter of time and patience and when one is ready, or when one is forced to confront beyond their comfort zones, many will succeed.  Thankfully human living isn't as all-or-nothing as bird-life and so thankfully failure simply means more practice and eventual success.  But life is all about trying.  To try is to live. 

Edited November 18, 2013 by Mike_GX101

[Toran 1,307]

Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. It is not the thing that defines you as a person. 

When or if it happens then so long as you are both happy then the working out of who has what and how ought not really matter.

You need to be ego free and focus on the love and not be materialistic for this to be a reality.

You only have to look at how many solicitors who work on divorce to see how far we are towards achieving it.

[L Lawliet 2,556]

I don't think my other half is an Aspie. He so sociable and a real people person. He said that one of the things he loves about me is that I'm quite quirky, which he now thinks is probably some of my Aspie traits Aside from my best friend, I've never met anyone so understanding and accepting of who I am. Even when I have little freak out moments, I don't scare him off

 

I've dated people in the past who were very complicated and socially awkward people. Remembering back, I think my ex was getting tested for Asperger's when we broke up.

 

My mind is never calm and my personality is so unpredictable, I find that when I'm with someone similer or the same as me in that sense, we clash. When I'm in a bad place, I focus on myself because I need all of my strength just to pull through difficult times so I don't spiral into serious depression. This means that I don't focus on other peoples issues at the time, because I can't deal with my problems and theirs. It sounds selfish, but I have to think of myself so I can pull through. Being with someone with my issues or worse would just frustrate me because I don't know how to take care of other people like that.

 

I have absolutely no doubt that dating a fellow Aspie has more advantages than disadvantages because of the mutual understanding of each other. But I know for me, having a NT as a partner keeps me grounded and actually, I've learnt a few social skills from him too.

 

So both has benefits I think

 

(As you've all probably noticed from other threads, I'm a fence sitter! Which is probably annoying, but I'm soooooo indecisive  So sorry about that! Ahaha!)

[aspiesw 1,627]

I definitely prefer friendships with other Aspies than NTs, I feel like I can connect more with an Aspie, I feel like me and the other Aspie completely understand each other, I constantly have to watch what I say around an NT, but it's different with Aspies

[Toran 1,307]

I definitely prefer friendships with other Aspies than NTs, I feel like I can connect more with an Aspie, I feel like me and the other Aspie completely understand each other, I constantly have to watch what I say around an NT, but it's different with Aspies

I have to agree there I'm in a group now with six other aspies coming to terms with being diagnosed with Aspergers. I feel very comfortable in their company it's nothing like being in a group of NTs. It's far more relaxed nobody judges each other it's the perfect setting and i love it.

[FlanMaster 69]

I don't have any diagnosed aspies in my area that I am aware of. I don't know what it would be like to have in person friendships with others.

[Toran 1,307]

IRd don't have any diagnosed aspies in my area that I am aware of. I don't know what it would be like to have in person friendships with others.

Does your local Autistic centre hold any group sessions?

[FlanMaster 69]

I live in a very poor area. I don't think most of them know what autism is. I don't think that there is a support group less than a 3 hour drive from here.

[Toran 1,307]

I live in a very poor area. I don't think most of them know what autism is. I don't think that there is a support group less than a 3 hour drive from here.

Have you tried talking to social services they may be able to help. I've lived in my area all my life and where I was tested was about three miles away. I've even been down the road its on and never saw it. Its only a phone call and there may be one you have never known about by you, worth a go isn't it?

[aspiesw 1,627]

Ironically, my last relationship (with a girl (before I realised I was gay)) was with an aspie. It ended badly, but while I was in it, I never felt so connected with anyone in my life, that's why I think I would prefer to date an aspie over an NT, if it were possible, we would both understand each other, which would make life so much easier

[Toran 1,307]

Ironically, my last relationship (with a girl (before I realised I was gay)) was with an aspie. It ended badly, but while I was in it, I never felt so connected with anyone in my life, that's why I think I would prefer to date an aspie over an NT, if it were possible, we would both understand each other, which would make life so much easier

Thats a very deep and complicated area relationships. If your in any relationship you will have good times and bad times. I dont think looking for a type works just go with life see where it takes you. You cant put logic into a relationship as its emotional and logic has no bearing on emotion. All you can do is follow your heart and try to interperate what its telling you.

[aspiesw 1,627]

Thats a very deep and complicated area relationships. If your in any relationship you will have good times and bad times. I dont think looking for a type works just go with life see where it takes you. You cant put logic into a relationship as its emotional and logic has no bearing on emotion. All you can do is follow your heart and try to interperate what its telling you.

 

I've become very insecure and a lot more self aware since I started acknowledging my AS, so it would be very hard for me to date an NT at the moment

[Frankie 681]

I'm not bothered if she's an Aspie or not, its if she's understanding that would be the main thing.

[Toran 1,307]

I've become very insecure and a lot more self aware since I started acknowledging my AS, so it would be very hard for me to date an NT at the moment

That is something ive been dealing with as well become very aware of what im saying now I know how Aspergers effects me.

I can see what you mean but if your with a perspective partner NT or not and things seem to be going ok you have to just except it and trust the other person is being open and honest with you. In any case isnt that what everybody has to do anyway?

[AutismUnrestricted 350]

I'm married to an Aspie, We have been married for 6 years now and we both didn't know until a year ago that we were undiagnosed Aspies, our highs were very high but lows very low. Communication and understanding of each other's AS has helped us a lot. Simple things like giving each other our own space to unwind, sleeping is separate rooms so we get a good night sleep, emailing any emotionally heavy stuff so we have a chance to process without being under pressure to reply instantly. Keeping a chore/task board and listing all our tasks for the day and colour coordinating it to show individual tasks, group tasks and any outdoor tasks, Planning finances (husband does that, i'm rubbish) keeping on top of house chores and DIY (I'm good, husband not so, so I help him there) Husband good at cooking, me not so, I'm able to face work for 2 days, husband can't. so basically we amalgamate our strengths and that helps us achieve a lot more. Like for Christmas, husband and I planned all presents, decorations and everything 2 months in advance and exchanged several emails so when the time came, it was all stress free and we enjoyed the occassion but that wouldn't have been possible without all the planning and preparation. 

[Toran 1,307]

I'm married to an Aspie, We have been married for 6 years now and we both didn't know until a year ago that we were undiagnosed Aspies, our highs were very high but lows very low. Communication and understanding of each other's AS has helped us a lot. Simple things like giving each other our own space to unwind, sleeping is separate rooms so we get a good night sleep, emailing any emotionally heavy stuff so we have a chance to process without being under pressure to reply instantly. Keeping a chore/task board and listing all our tasks for the day and colour coordinating it to show individual tasks, group tasks and any outdoor tasks, Planning finances (husband does that, i'm rubbish) keeping on top of house chores and DIY (I'm good, husband not so, so I help him there) Husband good at cooking, me not so, I'm able to face work for 2 days, husband can't. so basically we amalgamate our strengths and that helps us achieve a lot more. Like for Christmas, husband and I planned all presents, decorations and everything 2 months in advance and exchanged several emails so when the time came, it was all stress free and we enjoyed the occassion but that wouldn't have been possible without all the planning and preparation.

That sounds an amazing partnership you certainly have everything worked out specifically and it works very well for you both. There are an awful lot of helpful proccess in there something a lot of people here could benefit from.

[Nesf 9,159]

I'm married to an Aspie, We have been married for 6 years now and we both didn't know until a year ago that we were undiagnosed Aspies, our highs were very high but lows very low. Communication and understanding of each other's AS has helped us a lot. Simple things like giving each other our own space to unwind, sleeping is separate rooms so we get a good night sleep, emailing any emotionally heavy stuff so we have a chance to process without being under pressure to reply instantly. Keeping a chore/task board and listing all our tasks for the day and colour coordinating it to show individual tasks, group tasks and any outdoor tasks, Planning finances (husband does that, i'm rubbish) keeping on top of house chores and DIY (I'm good, husband not so, so I help him there) Husband good at cooking, me not so, I'm able to face work for 2 days, husband can't. so basically we amalgamate our strengths and that helps us achieve a lot more. Like for Christmas, husband and I planned all presents, decorations and everything 2 months in advance and exchanged several emails so when the time came, it was all stress free and we enjoyed the occassion but that wouldn't have been possible without all the planning and preparation. 

Yes, good communication is very important. I think writing thoughts and feelings down is very helpful and prevents tension from building up and misunderstandings from happening. Mine has some AS traits, particularly special interests and difficulty expressing emotions but he is very social, relaxed and gets on well with people - I think he just has the classic male brain, he doesn't have AS.

[Wren 701]

I don't mind as long as I LOVE them and they LOVE me.

[MrGrey 588]

  I'm in a relationship with a non-aspie right now and I could not be happier.  She isn't quite "normal" tho.  She has a very severe social anxiety and prefers to stay at home most of the time.  It is a perfect match, since I dislike normal "social" life like going to clubs, parties, etc.  We have a close group of friends with which we both feel comfortable,  and we visit the few friends we have often.  We like spending a Friday night with our friends doing some table game, or some online gaming.

 

  In the past, I had relationships with "normal" women.  I never worked out.  I could not keep up with their social outgoing lives.  Plus they never understood me.

 

  As per Aspie girls, I had dated some.  I struggle to understand their feelings.  I could not understand *them*.  

 

  In conclusion, to answer the original question, aspie or non-aspie, I would say: neither... but rather something else.  It might not make any sense, I know.  But it's my answer.

[MANOFSTEEL2013 23]

I had an ex once who was an Aspie but she was very high maintenance and a lot of hard work also the worse thing was that she cheated on me

[spiderwoman0_2 2,421]

Well I love my aspie husband and I'm 'normal'...........well nearly normal

[Mike_GX101 344]

Some people just sort of click as if you've always known them.  Then there are many others with whom you have to expend a lot of time and energy to even relate to.  I hear all the time of people wanting a relationship, because they think it will cure them of their loneliness and yet there are people in relationships who feel lonely.  It's about how well you gel with someone and when it's the right person you can sit alone together and not say a word and feel in good company.  You don't have to try to get on - you just simply click.

 

Too often I hear of people (I was the same) reading up on how to date and how to get that ideal partner when the real secret is just whether you get on with the person.  True there are ways to increase your chances of 'pulling' and that's where the guides can help but real love cannot be earned or bought.  Some times a person might ask why the box of chocolates they gave to their hopeful failed to win the response they were hoping for, but they never think to consider that maybe it was because they simply were not compatible with their hopeful.  But when you click with someone you will know it and you'll probably end up living with them as if you've always known them!

Edited January 12, 2014 by Mike_GX101

[Nedarb 248]

I just hope to find someone who is willing to put up with me for more than 5 minutes. I don't care if they are NT or aspie