Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Willow

      Welcome to the forum!   09/17/2017

      Please come in from the rain and sit by the fire! We're happy you found us and hope you will feel at home here.  
Nesf

How social are you?

Recommended Posts

Nesf

I've been reading all of what everyone's been saying and to me it seems that you all most likely struggle with what to say to people.  Halffull mentioned that he's social if someone breaks the ice first and I think that most of you would probably be able to be social if someone started the conversation first.  Having said that if you're anything like my son he would just answer the question and then just sit there and say nothing until the other person said something else.  I think you all have trouble coming up with things to say and so this makes it difficult for you and so you put off having a social life because you're not sure what you're supposed to do and say.

 

It's a pity you all didn't have me with you in those social situations, I could tell you all what people are on about.

If someone speaks to me, I'll answer them, but I don't initiate conversations easily, I feel I need to have a motive to speak to someone, to ask them an question, or to give me information, I don't speak to someone unless I feel I have something to say. And that's just the problem - I don't feel I have anything to say! I guess I'm like Harrison too, I answer the question, then don't have any more to say, so I wait for another question. I know that I have to say more to continue the conversation but nothing occurs to me! It's so hard!

 

With group conversations, or in the case of the two ASD people I mentioned, I wasn't able to process the conversation fast enough to make any contribution. By the time I've heard it, the meaning registers, I've thought about it and thought of something to say, well, forget it, the conversation has moved on, and my contribution is seen as an interruption and irritation - I can't keep up with the flow of conversation. It reminds me of those foreign films with subtitles which don't match the actors' speech, so they speak and the corresponding subtitle comes a few seconds afterwards! I'm lost in groups, and unless someone speaks to me directly I withdraw into myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spiderwoman0_2

I know it must be difficult to keep up with the conversations, I have the same problem but in a different way, I'm partially deaf in my right ear and I sometimes find it hard to catch what everyone is saying so I only get part of the conversation, so I tend to just smile at them or I drift off into my own world and then chip in if I've heard something.  So for me I'm trying to process the missing bits and you're trying to process the speed at what they talk at.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

I know it must be difficult to keep up with the conversations, I have the same problem but in a different way, I'm partially deaf in my right ear and I sometimes find it hard to catch what everyone is saying so I only get part of the conversation, so I tend to just smile at them or I drift off into my own world and then chip in if I've heard something.  So for me I'm trying to process the missing bits and you're trying to process the speed at what they talk at.

Yes, this is hard. My father was deaf in one ear and had this problem, and as a result he was very reluctant to socialise and avoided parties and events where there was a lot of noise. If we wanted to talk to him we always had to talk to him in his good ear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

I sit in silence in gatherings if I cant get out of going altogether.

If someone speaks to me then I respond but I usualy end up saying something ridiculess or silly.

Ive tried and tried to be different but it is a waste of energy at least for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Colin

Yah me too being social is hard because we don't pickup on body language or we don't stay on

Topic. I try so hard to fit in but get hurt cause people think I'm strange. I goto a lot of movies on my own or the zoo or book stores. Sexual relationships are hard too I seem to get my heart broken a lot. Colin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

Yah me too being social is hard because we don't pickup on body language or we don't stay on

Topic. I try so hard to fit in but get hurt cause people think I'm strange. I goto a lot of movies on my own or the zoo or book stores. Sexual relationships are hard too I seem to get my heart broken a lot. Colin

There are a lot of things that are extremely difficult i know but it is a case of excepting how you are for your own benefit not anyone elses. I know that's not easy but then you can adapt your life to your own needs and coming here is the perfect place to start.

I go to book stores a lot on my own i find that very nice actually and chose times that are going to be less busy so your not surrounded by lots of other shoppers.

People may think your strange but that's only their thoughts it doesn't mean you are does it. People are always talking about others in one way or another and criticism is always there whoever you are its more about the people saying it than the person they are talking about so you have nothing to feel bad about.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mike_GX101

Yah me too being social is hard because we don't pickup on body language or we don't stay on

Topic. I try so hard to fit in but get hurt cause people think I'm strange. I goto a lot of movies on my own or the zoo or book stores.

 

Yes I mostly go to the movies on my own too.  When I was younger it was harder because I suppose when I first left home I was much more vulnerable because not knowing anything about autism at the time I was blind to it and blind to my needs which I myself didn't even realise I had.  And so I just did things on my own and felt awkward because everyone else was in groups and always talking and I wasn't - even at the bus stop when I wouldn't interact with anyone.  I was so lonely and I suppose at that time when I needed the socialising to 'normalize' and 'humanize' I was going out on my own and getting awfully jittery during the breaks in the cinema when the lights go on and people queue for popcorn and the feeling of isolation eats at you and you wish the springed chair would just snap you right up and suck you down.  You wish the ground would swallow you up and you were gone from there.  And so you continue to feel on the edge of existence as like an observer.  Yes I've been there and I still go to the cinema on my own but I'm much better at coping with it now.  But it still gets me down from time to time.  I've just learned to deal with it and I've learned that we're all social creatures but autism is like a cage that binds and stifles your ability to interact and it hurts the soul.  It hurts you deep and until someone shows you the path you're blind to that hurt and that is when it gets you the most.  That is when autism is most cruel.

Edited by Mike_GX101

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

Yes I mostly go to the movies on my own too.  When I was younger it was harder because I suppose when I first left home I was much more vulnerable because not knowing anything about autism at the time I was blind to it and blind to my needs which I myself didn't even realise I had.  And so I just did things on my own and felt awkward because everyone else was in groups and always talking and I wasn't - even at the bus stop when I wouldn't interact with anyone.  I was so lonely and I suppose at that time when I needed the socialising to 'normalize' and 'humanize' I was going out on my own and getting awfully jittery during the breaks in the cinema when the lights go on and people queue for popcorn and the feeling of isolation eats at you and you wish the springed chair would just snap you right up and suck you down.  You wish the ground would swallow you up and you were gone from there.  And so you continue to feel on the edge of existence as like an observer.  Yes I've been there and I still go to the cinema on my own but I'm much better at coping with it now.  But it still gets me down from time to time.  I've just learned to deal with it and I've learned that we're all social creatures but autism is like a cage that binds and stifles your ability to interact and it hurts the soul.  It hurts you deep and until someone shows you the path you're blind to that hurt and that is when it gets you the most.  That is when autism is most cruel.

I spent all of my school years feeling like that, very isolated, and now I don't like socializing in groups because they are all talking and I'm not, I always feel on my own and I find it boring. It feels like watching TV, on the outside looking in.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Caroline

I'm not social at all, I don't have any friend. I had one when I was 18, we were studying in different cities and we wrote each other a lot (letters, we didn't have computers)... then she committed suicide and I was so shocked it lasted one whole year for me to have the breakdown (during the exams... in fact during an oral exam, I began to cry in front of my Spanish teacher... She didn't understand, she told me not to worry, that I was doing well, I cried so much I couldn't explain her it had nothing to do with the exam). Since then I haven't had any offline friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

I'm not social at all, I don't have any friend. I had one when I was 18, we were studying in different cities and we wrote each other a lot (letters, we didn't have computers)... then she committed suicide and I was so shocked it lasted one whole year for me to have the breakdown (during the exams... in fact during an oral exam, I began to cry in front of my Spanish teacher... She didn't understand, she told me not to worry, that I was doing well, I cried so much I couldn't explain her it had nothing to do with the exam). Since then I haven't had any offline friend.

That must have been awful :( and such a shock! Yes, it can take a while to hit you when something like that happens, a delayed reaction. Something must have triggered the memory during the oral exam.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InsomniaDreams

My socialisation has nosedived in the past 3 years or so. I think it's becoming more and more of a mental barrier for me now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Andy

I was sociable tonight, I had a fantastic conversation with a lady who just happened to work with autistic kids, on leaving she said to me she hopes to speak again as she finds me very interesting to talk to.

 

I have talked with her in the past and she knows I am xxy where she since last time seems to have clued up a bit on it because she also wonders why autism seems to sometimes come with xxy for the school she works at there are three xxy apsies where their behaviour she asked me about where I sympathised with what they were doing because I was similar way back and still am to a certain extent where she said they despite their aspie diagnosi, they were nothing like typical aspies where this women looked at me and said I was nothing like a typical aspie either, where she is now wondering are we a sub set of aspergers or is it what constitutes autism is not that clear cut.

 

But anyway her husband is ADHD as is her eldest son she is surrounded by it but then she admits to being on the spectrum herself.

 

But we chatted about the meanings within David Lynch's  DUNE a lot and where Herbert was heading.

  • Helpful 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

That must have been a very interesting conversation, Andy, it sounds she really understand you and listens to you. It's very rare that you meet someone like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrGlass

I've had the same core friends for about 20 years- and basically we like to get trashed together. Everyone so often we do go downtown occasionally. That said, I don't do much other than take intoxicants and roam around and blend in. I don't really approach people though.

 

Like Oakers, I'm better written than spoken. And it's not that I can't speak- if it's something I've rehearsed, or it pertains to business of some sort- I can usually handle it. It's spontaneity that I struggle with on the fly- especially in noisy environments as I do have auditory processing issues. It's truly exhausting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

I've had the same core friends for about 20 years- and basically we like to get trashed together. Everyone so often we do go downtown occasionally. That said, I don't do much other than take intoxicants and roam around and blend in. I don't really approach people though.

 

Like Oakers, I'm better written than spoken. And it's not that I can't speak- if it's something I've rehearsed, or it pertains to business of some sort- I can usually handle it. It's spontaneity that I struggle with on the fly- especially in noisy environments as I do have auditory processing issues. It's truly exhausting.

i struggle in noisy environments too. I find it hard to seperate out seperate sounds or voices.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

i struggle in noisy environments too. I find it hard to seperate out seperate sounds or voices.

Yes thats right i have the same problem and have even been tested for it. My hearing range was fine but when it was intermingled with other voices or noise i cant pick it up. They dont know what causes it but it is a known complaint. That was many years ago so maybe they have had some advancements in that time i dont know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

Yes thats right i have the same problem and have even been tested for it. My hearing range was fine but when it was intermingled with other voices or noise i cant pick it up. They dont know what causes it but it is a known complaint. That was many years ago so maybe they have had some advancements in that time i dont know.

That's caused by auditory processing problems.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BarneyRubble

I have always found myself drawn to people who are different or more mature. I find people like this more intelligent, more interesting and easier company. When I was growing up, I stuck to that rule and I was OK, and within that, I could take or leave friends. Mutual interest is a must, without that it's hard work and I can't see the point.

 

The, popular, in crowd, type of people have always been a mystery to me and they have never interested me. Ironically, I have alway looked upon this type of person's need to be accepted by the group, and popular to be a weakness of their's. I actually think its really sad for them. I have alway look upon my independence, individuality, and my ability to function without the desire to please other's as my strength.

 

As a teenager, I became self aware. I kept my usual safe male friends, but interactions with the opposite sex were awkward and led to disappointment. I couldn't rely on having things in common with girls. I found that despite a girl would fancy me, as soon as it started to go somewhere, I would be awkward, wooden, and would miss all the hints, body language etc for it to move on. For some reason at this time I took astrology book from my Mum's bookshelf and started to read my own sign. I agreed with most of what it said about my character. So I obsessively read all the sign's in all the books she had. I became really interested in people, and the things they did, the way the acted. I was just keen to understand. The one thing that came naturally to everyone else, I attempted to learn. I would watch people and their interactions. Given the right circumstances I would even ask people question about their relationships, and not because I was interested in their wellbeing, but just because I needed more knowledge (looking back now, in my innocence, I asked some really inappropriate questions, but people almost always answered them). This period in my life helped, me socially. I learned social interactions. I have made a point of learning body language, to help me along. I still dislike talking to people I think I have nothing in common with. I can't do small talk, and I can't show interest in something, or someone that doesn't interest me. And I just don't really bond with people (that's not to say I can't, it just takes years and trust), but that's just me.

 

Now I'm married with children, I have little interest in seeing people outside of my family. My friends are the husbands of my wifes friends, and I don't go out of my way to see them and we are not close, they just turn up with their wives. Happily they are all a bit different like me. It's nice having a NT wife, as socially, she kind of carry's me. The difficulty has been keeping her.

 

In thinking about this post, I have realised that I am also drawn to VARY NT people. The no nonsense fiery types, that call a spade a spade. The sort of people that when they are happy, sad, or angry you know, More sensitive people often avoid these types, but I'm not that sensitive, and I think they are great because I can read them. Most of the women in my family are like that. And also my one work mate. Now he can by Mr angry, but never with me, I'm a calming influence on him. He has less stress here at work with me than he dose at home. We have a lot in common, we both love motorcycles, and when we go for a ride together, he dose all the small talk (and he will literally talk to anyone). Result!!! :lol:  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HenryVIII

I don’t seem to have friends but I have a lot of NT acquaintances, especially associated with my special interests.

I spend a lot of time with NTs doing my thing and to many people I come across as a socialable  person but in reality I am pretty useless.

I am ok whilst I am enjoying my interests but as soon as it stops everyone wants to have drinks or a meal and I have to get out of there.

My best coping strategy when I simply cannot get out of a social occasion is to limit myself to either 30 minutes or an hour and then I make my excuses and leave.

I do get the feeling that I am withdrawing more and more from social events, with acquaintances and family and I wonder how far I will actually go to cutting everyone off in the near future.

It is hard to explain but I don’t want to cut off but it seems inevitable.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

I have always found myself drawn to people who are different or more mature. I find people like this more intelligent, more interesting and easier company. When I was growing up, I stuck to that rule and I was OK, and within that, I could take or leave friends. Mutual interest is a must, without that it's hard work and I can't see the point.

 

The, popular, in crowd, type of people have always been a mystery to me and they have never interested me. Ironically, I have alway looked upon this type of person's need to be accepted by the group, and popular to be a weakness of their's. I actually think its really sad for them. I have alway look upon my independence, individuality, and my ability to function without the desire to please other's as my strength.

 

Ditto this! I've never understood this herd mentality people have, as I've never felt the need to follow the herd blindly. I do my own thing. Nearly all the friends I've had were people who for one reason or another didn't fit in, or had less cliched opinions about things.

 

I don’t seem to have friends but I have a lot of NT acquaintances, especially associated with my special interests.

I spend a lot of time with NTs doing my thing and to many people I come across as a socialable  person but in reality I am pretty useless.

I am ok whilst I am enjoying my interests but as soon as it stops everyone wants to have drinks or a meal and I have to get out of there.

My best coping strategy when I simply cannot get out of a social occasion is to limit myself to either 30 minutes or an hour and then I make my excuses and leave.

I do get the feeling that I am withdrawing more and more from social events, with acquaintances and family and I wonder how far I will actually go to cutting everyone off in the near future.

It is hard to explain but I don’t want to cut off but it seems inevitable.

 

I do this too. I either make an excuse not to go at all, or if I can't get out of it, like a family wedding or something, I stay a short while and make an excuse to leave. In  Greece I can't really go to these functions anyway because they are way too loud and smokey.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
blacktiger911

to be truthful......no.

i don't want to open myself up to problems' don't want to make a friend just to be turned on.

i would talk a lot more but that literally got me stabbed one day. I was talking to some one (at school) in the classroom and this kid sitting across from me gets up walks over pulls my arm across the table stabs a pen into my arm and tears. I did not go too deep thank god.

after that i talked less became more distant stopped trying to make friends (I had just taken this kid to the principles office to set things striate thinking we just got off on the wrong foot and then he did that) the friends I did have moved away one by one and I finally gave up.

and here i am today.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

to be truthful......no.

i don't want to open myself up to problems' don't want to make a friend just to be turned on.

i would talk a lot more but that literally got me stabbed one day. I was talking to some one (at school) in the classroom and this kid sitting across from me gets up walks over pulls my arm across the table stabs a pen into my arm and tears. I did not go too deep thank god.

after that i talked less became more distant stopped trying to make friends (I had just taken this kid to the principles office to set things striate thinking we just got off on the wrong foot and then he did that) the friends I did have moved away one by one and I finally gave up.

and here i am today.

:(  It's unbelievable the things people will do out of jealousy or whatever that was... I was once physically attacked for no reason by another girl in the schoolyard, but she came off worse than me, and she didn't try it again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StormCrow

 a little too late in the thread, but...

 

I guess I'm social, I go out more than my sister and she is very outgoing,

Once I left High School I never really got any new friends (people my age at least)

 

I mostly go out because I find the world hilarious. Maybe it's my anthropological side

but, it's amazing to observe people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Babadakad

During my years in school I actually tried to fit in somwhow but grew tired of it fast as I got abandoned very quickly because I was and am too "exhausting", always offending people and not knowing why, doing things that were perfectly normal for me but not for those around me.

Now I basically am a shut-in with one close friend I see every few weeks or months and three or four contacts I learned to know through MMOs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

During my years in school I actually tried to fit in somwhow but grew tired of it fast as I got abandoned very quickly because I was and am too "exhausting", always offending people and not knowing why, doing things that were perfectly normal for me but not for those around me.

Now I basically am a shut-in with one close friend I see every few weeks or months and three or four contacts I learned to know through MMOs.

I had the same experiences at school pretty much I was never included much and everybody avoided me if possible because of how I was. It wasnt the best time of my life and my adult life has gone the same way if im being honest its about excepting what you cant change I guess.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×