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      New Design   07/24/17

      I hope everyone likes the new style logo and the few changes that I have made. I'm still slowly sorting through a few things behind the scenes, but for the most part, I'm happy with the new look and feel of Asperclick!
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gamerkatie

some odd things, can you relate?

6 posts in this topic

Since I can remember, I've been very bothered by fans. Floor fans or ceiling fans, doesn't matter. Don't get me wrong, I love the sound of them, provided they're quiet. I sleep with one on every night, but if it makes any other sound other than the flow of air, I get bothered. Clicking, clanking, anything. It. Drives. Me. Nuts. I've not been able to sleep because of it plenty of times. Years back I slept with ear plugs because it bothered me. Then I got tinnitus for about 3 months and stopped the ear plugs. Now I use a shirt to put over my ear. Right now my ceiling and floor fan combined don't make annoying noises. If the chains clank I tape them together. Any wobbling, I'd rather be hot than to hear it. I hate the noise trains make, I hate loud screaming, I hate dogs whining, barking, I can't stand my children to whine, can't stand people washing dishes loudly, can't stand loud walking on hardwood floors. I can't stand loud or annoying noises in general and they will end up giving me a headache if prolonged. 

I hate wearing polo shirts. I have to wear one at work. I've asked my GM several times if we can switch to the company's option of t-shirts, but it's a no go. Tags get on my nerves. I tear holes in my shirt just from ripping them out. Tags on blankets can't be near my face but at my feet, or ripped off. I can't stand heavy cotton shirts. My shirt at work interferes with my ability to work well. I'm always focusing on how uncomfortable it is. My hat I have to wear often gives me a headache. I hate headlights. Wearing prescription glasses will give me a headache. Going outside for more than 2 hours will give me a headache. Going to a concert or any big event like wrestling or just a large crowd where people are on microphones give me a headache every time. 

If I have something planned out in my head for the day, and I don't get to do it, I get angry. If it involves meeting with someone else like a family member I will even go so far as to make the person feel bad for interrupting our plans. However, I will ditch any plans I have with someone else just to stay home and do my daily writing stories on the computer. Why?? I don't like going out with friends. I don't have many at all. I do and don't want friends. I often get envious of those who hang out with friends, playing videogames or D&D. I want to, but feel my social anxiety will only get in the way, I'll be awkward and then be rejected, or no one will care enough about me and I'll get left out. I hang out with my sisters and mom, that's about it. Getting me to go do something with a friend takes a lot of effort. When my 2 year old son takes a nap during the day it's my time to do my writing or alone time while my 4 year old watches TV or plays alone. If someone comes over during that time they're cutting into that time I want for myself. I can sacrifice it to spend time with family, but it's harder when it comes to friends. I have had meltdowns when my plan to do something was ruined because of other people. I hate when people want to show up uninvited to my house. I hate when relatives want to stay at my house. 

I do have empathy, but it's sometimes hard to show. When my grandfather died I wanted to be alone. I found it very hard to comfort my mom. I find it hard to comfort people in general. If I do it it feels forced. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't know how to express my emotions when it comes to death fully. At funerals, I don't say anything to the person who's lost someone because I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry for your loss" sounds too mundane and unnatural. Yes, I'm sorry they lost someone, but there has to be something better to say. 

I hate talking on phones. With my mom or siblings, fine, but anyone else? I dread making phone calls, even to simply order food. I try to be the last person at work to answer the phone. It took me months just to build up enough courage to schedule an appointment with the therapist. I am always looking for ways to order food online or make appointments online. 

I avoid eye contact with people. Look at the ground a lot when I walk. Head down, trying to find somewhere to put my hands. This past year I've tried to have better confidence by holding my chin up and facing the world, but find it forced and hard to do. I easily get intimidated by some people in my life. Their attitude or way of having an answer for everything leaves me at a loss for words. I honestly don't know how to respond to some people. And a lot of times my response to people who intimidate me is something that ends up not making sense. Really. I hate talking to people because I feel invisible. I often will interrupt the conversation to get my word in, then I'll realize it was the wrong time for me to chime in and I'll kick myself. I take many things literally or won't understand sarcasm completely. I use sarcasm myself, and can detect it, but sometimes it's hard. Or either a topic will come up, and even in talking about the same topic, will confuse someone's tone for talking about something else. An example today of being confused: A coworker and I were talking about twitter. I said I didn't understand why twitter was so popular, because I felt it was just a place to showcase thoughts no one cares about. My coworker then responded with something like "I can't go to work today". Me, I completely forgot our conversation about twitter and took it as him talking about something else. I asked him, "What do you mean?" and he said "about twitter, that's how people will be", and I was just like, "oh, yeah." Mistaking his tone. This happens a lot. Half the time, I honestly have no idea what people are talking about. And I observe and listen a lot, because I talk less than they do. I've always been labeled as shy or quiet. Working here has me talking more to people who have common interests with me - mainly the weird ones. I find them easier to talk to and find myself less tongue tied. There are times that when I don't really know what someone's talking about, I'll laugh at times they are being serious, then I realize they're being serious and I'll play it off somehow. I'm beginning to think something is just wrong with ME. It's not them mumbling, it's just me not being able to keep up.

At work, I find myself doing things in ritualistic pattern even if it's common sense to do it another way. Kind of a "It's right there in front of your face, why are you doing it that way" kind of thing, if that makes sense. I find counting money difficult and often read sentences wrong the first time. I can't focus on one thing if there is a distraction nearby. If I'm taking an order on the phone and my coworker is talking to someone else behind me, I'm trying to tune into both conversations. I can't stand when people come up near me on the phone, can't stand them to walk behind me and I become very anxious when customers watch me make their food. Just staring. I feel uncomfortable looking at people when they're talking. It's something I've forced myself to do so it appears I'm listening. I'll be honest, I'm zoning out on your eyes or a pimple on your face. I feel better when I don't look at them. I can hear them better when I do. I'm constantly afraid of doing or saying something stupid. This is how I've felt all my life, or at least since mid elementary to middle school.

I have synethesia. I have number patterns in my head, or number maps. I do it with calendar year, dates, time, adding, age, hours, anything. Anything with numbers, it has its own pattern in my head.

I just feel out of place everywhere I go. Eleven years ago when I met my then future husband, I would go to social functions, feel like an outcast, and would cry on the ride back every time. He was very understanding, though I don't think he truly understood why I was the way I was. I would get very upset that I didn't fit in. I also did it when I went to his family functions. To this day, I still do. I did just the other day, after feeling like I don't fit in with some of his family. I put on a lot around them, not so much his step mom and dad (I love them) but I feel like I fake a lot around the extended members.

Since middle school, I've gone through bouts of depression and contentment. The happiest I think I've ever been in the past 15 years was around September last year. It lasted until about February/March, then I spiraled down into a depression I've been feeling since April of this year. I'm seeing a therapist this month. Am hoping it will help, as I have never taken prescriptions or seen a therapist about any of my issues, which go even deeper than what I've explained. Anyone who can relate, please share your experiences. Thank you.

 

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Hmmmm, this seems to have escaped attention, given the site has been a bit dead. Yes, it does make sense and I am noise sensitive too. Dripping taps or wind blowing doors and so forth.
Fabric wise I tend to feel myself when scruffy.

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One thing I noticed on this site is a lot of the members struggle to concentrate if a post is lengthy. Likewise if they're not given pointers, prompts or specific questions. In other words posts that invite some kind of sharing or inspired response leave many floundering. Added to that a lot of sites these days are getting dead. I even tried a Russian Asperger site tonight and noticed, Сейчас этот форум просматривают: нет зарегистрированных пользователей и 1 гость which translates as "Now this forum has no registered users and one guest online." I then sort of wondered how the Russian aspies would react if they knew the guest was an autist from the UK rather than a spy.
I did read one of the posts there which was about stimming. A girl described how she banged her head on surfaces till she got mild bruises on the forehead.

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I can relate to all the things you describe and they all affect me to some extent. Also, I just don't feel the same way as other people feel. When people are talking together, socialising, they are sharing emotions, laughing, joking, interacting, and I can't seem to access this - I think I have some sort of processing delay as I can't process the interaction fast enough to be able to join in. If there's a conversation, I'm too slow to respond and speak, by the time I've thought what I want to say, the conversation has moved on, so I never get to speak. Also, they suddenly start laughing and I don't know why or don't find it funny, they all seem to share emotions, or have automatic reactions that I don't have, I don't have access to this, either, and I feel that I'm behind a glass screen or that I'm watching TV. I'm mostly ok talking one to one, but hopeless with group socialising. Mostly at such events I just feel like I'm just tagging along.

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I can relate to many of things you mentioned.

I will comment on a few that I thought I related to particularly.

I know I have a hard time following multiple conversations to, I will try to listen to both of them.  Or if I am on the bus/public transport, I will tune into other people's conversations, but feel bad for eavesdropping. I also get anxious talking on the public transport if I go with my boyfriend or someone else because I worry others will listen or we will talk too loud or make a scene.  

I also have trouble with family functions. I love going and seeing everyone and seeing what everyone is up to but often will end up silent most of the time and sometimes I have cried afterward, on the way home or at home.  I think this happens most with my extended family but then again, my boyfriend doesn't have many cousins and I have not been to as many big family functions yet.  Though I think it might be due to so many people and wanting to talk not having the opportunity because I am busy listening and then if there is space to talk, I can't think of anything to say.  And then afterward, I get sad that I didn't get to say much or whatever.  I hope to get better yet for next time, but it is difficult.  

I also have done things in a very ritualistic pattern way and do not want to break that pattern even if it might make sense to break the pattern one day. Although I think it is not an issue I have trouble with too much.  If I do a task enough, I will usually find the more efficient ways to do it but I probably stick with certain ways longer because I want to ensure I do them right and if I mess it up too soon, I might make a mistake.

I also hate talking on the phone, unless it is a close friend or family member, or if I have the phone call planned out more or less. Like at my work (admin assistant), I answer phones and transfer calls but it is nice because generally, I am not actually on the phone that long and I have phone scripts to say each time. But I know at my previous job (fast food cashier), I hated answering phones and tried to be the last person to answer it, I was never trained on how to answer phones but eventually had to answer the phone because I was the most experienced person there, even though I was not supervisor (I didn't want to be).  

I also can get frustrated if I have something planned in a day but then the plan gets ruined. I have to remind myself to be flexible.  But if it catches me off guard I can get into a bit of a meltdown.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! Sorry your topic did not get more replies sooner, this forum had been a bit slow of late.  I feel it is getting more active now so I hope to see you around the forum! :) 

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Posted (edited)

@gamerkatie Hi and welcome :)

 I think you are essentially describing your experience as an autistic. I can certainly identify with all that.

Edited by Going home
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