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      Welcome to the forum!   09/17/2017

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K00015

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K00015

I was hoping for some advice with my AS boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years. He is 24 and I am 29. The first four months of our relationship were amazing. He treated me very well... he was romantic, and he loved spending time with me. Then, I started noticing changes... he become less and less romantic. He also was very cruel to me sometimes and very insensitive. He also seemed to want to spend less time with me. He also seemed to be selfish and only think about himself and his needs. We live about an hour away from each other so typically we'd see each other twice a week. On the nights we did not see each other I'd always text him to ask how he was and to small talk with him a bit. It seemed like I was putting in all the effort and he was doing nothing. If I didn't make plans we wouldn't see each other. If I didn't text him we wouldn't talk. I also felt like a burden to him a lot of times. I started feeling very insecure and uneasy in the relationship... I felt alone and often times unloved. Then he started pulling away from me. One night we were talking on the phone and said to me "I wish I could just have two weeks away from you to play video games." I felt really bad and he ended up apologizing and said he'd do anything to make this work. Well two weeks ago a similar thing happened. He told me he needs time alone (away from me). He is not sure how long. He needs to "clear his mind in solitude." He said he needs to focus on himself. He said he's not sure if this relationship is right for him. I asked him why and he didn't say much. Just something about having trouble doing social things. He completely shutsdown when I try to ask him anything about this to try and understand. I love him a lot and I'd do anything for him. If he needs to find himself I don't understand why he can't do that with me as his girlfriend. He told me he loves me and does NOT want to break up but he's unsure of our relationship. It doesn't make sense to me. He has very low self esteem and is very depressed and I understand that it has gotten worse lately. Plus he is very stressed and tired from work. But why must he completely push me out of his life? Can anyone make sense of what he's thinking or trying to tell me? Should I just move on? Or do I try to be understanding?

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Heather

Hi and welcome to the forum.

My advice is that if he needs that much space maybe it is time for the relationship to end. With my ex, I felt like I was putting all the effort in, and for me it was my first relationship so I couldn't see life after a relationship ends. But it is not the end of the world. Though it does suck.  

If you want to try and make it work, it is up to you. My advice is talk to him about how he can play video games but still make time for you and spending time with you shouldn't be a chore. 

If he is open to communication, there is hope. If he is closed off to your input... It might be time to end it. Though I know, easier said than done. 

At the end of the day, you know the relationship best so consider how you feel. Are you happy with things. 

My advice also regardless of what you do, make time for yourself and taking care of yourself. If he gets to play video games, watch a favourite movie or show or read a book or play your favourite game or go for a walk. Something you like.

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collectingrocks

I don't want to say this but... has he found somebody else? The signs seem to be there, i.e. sudden loss of interest etc

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Eli

Sometimes it's just so hard to say what's really going on in a relationship from the outside, and an Aspie being involved doesn't help. I will just say a few things that usually come to mind in the situation of an NT and Aspie relationship. For one thing, Aspie or no, it sounds like the relationship has made you unhappy, and while any kind of relationship has it's ups and downs, it should, in general, lift you up rather than put you down. From the perspective of an Aspie, I'll say this: I want A LOT of space from everyone, basically to the point that I don't attempt many friendships at all, because over the years I've figured out that it's not fair to them, and I'm not really getting much out of it anyway. I even have very little contact with family when compared to most people. Most people simply need more from me than I have to give. Having said that, I feel that way about everyone in the world... except my husband. I miss him when he's gone. I changed my work schedule to be with him more. Being with him lifts me up, it's rarely a chore. Aspie have a really hard time bonding. But if they do...they bond SOLID. It doesn't sound like he has bonded with you in this way, though he has tried. And that is, sadly, the story of many Aspie lives. We try so hard to make that seemingly effortless bond that NTs make, and when it's not happening, we feel guilty, angry, and find ourselves unable to communicate because of the confusion and helplessness, end up lashing out inappropriately, and apologizing agan again. But it is very possible for Aspies to bond. I think just has not happened here. And that doesn't mean ANYTHING bad about you. Sometimes it just doesn't quite take, and the part where you try and try to make it take, the more unhappy you become. I've been on both sides. And it sucks. But as Heather said, life does go on after a relationship. And who knows, it could work out! But if it doesn't, please take away from it that you had beautiful moments with that person, and that there is nothing wrong with you. Good luck, and I wish you all the happiness and peace. I hope that was helpful. 

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