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Eli

Hard Truths

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Eli

I have a new coworker. Imagine all of the most difficult personality traits for you to handle and funnel it into a single human being. People in general are more work for me as an Aspie, but truth be told, I usually get along fine with them. I even think many of them are charming. This person. Oh, dear. 

She talks non stop. She talks loudly. She gets too close. She makes bad jokes. She talks about extremely personal things, inappropriately personal. She gets easily overwhelmed by the work, and at one point left a team in the middle of a project to hyperventilate into a bag. But in a place where she could be observed, as if to say, "poor me, I'm special".

She gets easily offended if you don't laugh at her bad jokes. And I just don't do that. Maybe a polite smile the first couple times, but social life in the workplace is enough of a circus act for me without having to fake laugh every few minutes for the sake of an obnoxious person's ego. It's a pet peeve of mine, actually. 

She spreads gossip and nonsense. And again, is offended if you don't hang on her every word, which I don't. I'm not interested in gossip, I find it offensive to my core.

Stupidly, I think this was the last straw: Sometimes, we play music quietly. I'm the veteran of the staff, so I often pick it. And no, I don't hog it or demand it. It was just sort of a thing that my team gave to me and trusts me with, and I take requests, but usually everyone is quite happy  with my choices. I usually prefer is a calm classical soundtrack in the morning, to offset the chaos. I had just put it on, and moments later she began (loudly) complaining about it, how dumb and dorky classical music is, and that she needed something to PUMP HER UP! She changed it to some horrid, loud thing. No. You didn't mess with my music. No. No.....NO. It's always that dumb little thing that finally makes you face palm. 

Anyway, other people are starting to talk about it, because she's becoming an issue. On one hand, I want her out of my life. And on the other hand, I have a tendency to become protective of hated people. It's an odd trait I have. So I'm torn between letting what's going to happen to her happen, and attempting a talk with her. I'm usually very good at having "a talk". The problem with "the talk" in this instance, is that they're not usually this horrible this quickly, which means I haven't had the time to earn the trust and respect necessary to provide hard truths. The other problem is that these are particularly hard truths. It's difficult to say that a person is obnoxious, overly sensitive, childish and plain unprofessional gently or lovingly. That's a lot for a fragile ego to take from someone who I don't know yet. And honestly, don't want to know. I realize that it may seem like a no brainier:  Why is it your problem? The answer is, it's not. But a person behaving this way is clearly deprived of love. She is desperate and alone. And clearly no one has given her these hard truths, not the right way, that is. She's going to get at least some of them here, in our neighborhood. And it's gonna be rough, and not for her sake, but for the sake of STFU. And I know in my bones she won't listen to that kind of "talk". She'll probably cry for pity attention, I'm familiar with this type of person. Any opinions? Curious. 

Edited by Eli
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Ben

She's enormously insecure. She needs to constantly reassure herself and validate her place in the office by overcompensating with a LOUD mouth. 

A confident, self-assured person talks with actions and results. The insecure talk - a LOT. They have to, it's all they've got.

Just let it all pass over your head. Ignore the gossip and the rubbish she spouts off, focus on the job and let her tie herself up in her own nonsense. If she's got issues, then she needs to see a counsellor. It's not your mess to clean up, so just calmly move on.

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Gone home

I'm reminded of the saying / idiom ... 'don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm'   /   'don't burn yourself to warm others'

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Eli
On 9/10/2017 at 6:59 AM, Ben said:

She's enormously insecure. She needs to constantly reassure herself and validate her place in the office by overcompensating with a LOUD mouth. 

A confident, self-assured person talks with actions and results. The insecure talk - a LOT. They have to, it's all they've got.

Very true.

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collectingrocks

She is needy and is vying for attention - has probably been spoilt and is used to crying until she gets her own way

I wouldn't give her the time of day - she'll soon learn

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Sanctuary
On ‎09‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:47 PM, Eli said:

Anyway, other people are starting to talk about it, because she's becoming an issue. On one hand, I want her out of my life. And on the other hand, I have a tendency to become protective of hated people. It's an odd trait I have. So I'm torn between letting what's going to happen to her happen, and attempting a talk with her. I'm usually very good at having "a talk". The problem with "the talk" in this instance, is that they're not usually this horrible this quickly, which means I haven't had the time to earn the trust and respect necessary to provide hard truths. The other problem is that these are particularly hard truths. It's difficult to say that a person is obnoxious, overly sensitive, childish and plain unprofessional gently or lovingly. That's a lot for a fragile ego to take from someone who I don't know yet. And honestly, don't want to know. I realize that it may seem like a no brainier:  Why is it your problem? The answer is, it's not. But a person behaving this way is clearly deprived of love. She is desperate and alone. And clearly no one has given her these hard truths, not the right way, that is. She's going to get at least some of them here, in our neighborhood. And it's gonna be rough, and not for her sake, but for the sake of STFU. And I know in my bones she won't listen to that kind of "talk". She'll probably cry for pity attention, I'm familiar with this type of person. Any opinions? Curious. 

This is a very difficult situation to deal with. Some of the hardest people to work alongside are those who are very loud and extrovert. Many of them are well-intentioned and can be great fun in small doses or at the right time but often they just become overbearing and need to tone things down. It seems though there are extra issues with this person. Clearly she does need to be steered onto the correct path but this can be difficult to do. She may become very upset or even angry. This is particularly so if the criticism comes from someone with whom she doesn't get on, no matter how constructive and diplomatic it is.

These comments may be heeded though if they come from a friend or someone who is liked or even admired. There may be someone at your workplace who has this positive relationship and might be able to talk to her. If someone in authority is aware and feels her behaviour is problematic then they should certainly address the issue - they have the power to get her to change although that doesn't always happen. Hard truths can be delivered but the skill is in conveying them in a way that softens the blow for the recipient (if that doesn't seem like a contradiction). It's to make it seem like "good advice and support" rather than "criticism"

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