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Eli

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Eli

This is something I wanted to say, particularly to any young Aspies who are feeling particularly lost, confused or alone. A state in which I am very familiar.

I've come to the point in my life, that I actually am very pleased with who and what I am. I have no problem with having Aspergers, and in a way, I'm proud. I find myself in a sort of middle ground. I've noticed there are some Aspies who are of this mindset:" I am what I am and I shouldn't have to change for stupid NTs and their backwards world". I've also noticed Aspies who are of this mindset: " How do I fit in? How is it done? I just wanna make friends, I just want to fit in, tell me what to do, help, help!"

I'm right in between, because as far as fitting into the NT world, I want to insofar as that it benefits me. There's no getting around the fact that sometimes you need other people to get things done, and most of those people are NTS who need the world to make sense and be neat and tidy in their judgments throughout the day. I'm past analyzing it, NTs out in the world help civilization function, and that benefits me, so I push myself to fit in so long as it benefits me. But I don't consider it to be changing myself, I consider it to be another tool in my toolbox. And when I see Aspies struggling to fit in and be like NTs, I have the tendency to want to pull them aside and say,"the more desperate you are, the further they'll push you away."

They're pack animals. If you're acting weak, they'll see you as weak, and they'll distance themselves. If you embrace who and what you are with no shame and no need of their approval, you will often come across as an alpha, and you'll have their allegiance. But do you really want it? I just wonder sometimes, if Aspies really want to be like NTs, or if they just want it to be easier, so it makes sense to say they want to fit in. Don't get me wrong, I remember wanting to fit in when I was a kid. But looking back, it was never truly that I wanted to fit in, I just wanted less confrontation. I don't like the idea that an Aspie is feeling some pressure from someone or some situation that's causing them to try to mutilate who they are in order to "fit in". What is fitting in, anyway? It's fleeting, for one thing. And doesn't have nearly the amount of meaning and sentiment young Aspies think. Don't try to fit in because you think there's love to be found in it. Fit in only so long as it benefits your day-to-day life. That's my opinion, anyway. In my own experience, the more I've tried to fit in, the more unhappy I became. The more I've just let myself be free to be me, the happier I am. And for the most part, people either like me or don't. And as it happens, any time someone has not liked me, they're not interesting in any way,  so it doesn't matter.

If you ever managed to change yourself to fit in, you'd be living in a cage of your own creation. Know how to function in their silly little world, but at the end of the day, know who you are and love it. The words happiness and love are so misused and misunderstood. No one is responsible for my happiness. And love is not the same as attachment. Happiness is not something you go off on an adventure to find, it's already in your possession. It is there, ripe for the plucking, every moment of every day. And love is found at the center: orbiting you is all the debris left behind from relationships gone wrong, all the little hurts and failures that left scars and misalignments. But none of that is real, and none of it is you. The only you lies at the very center, untouched by worldly affairs. And all that you are is love. In case you were wondering who you are.

 

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Eliza
3 hours ago, Eli said:

This is something I wanted to say, particularly to any young Aspies who are feeling particularly lost,

Hi, Eli. I'm probably the oldest person on this site and I needed this post tonight!

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Heather

Great post @Eli !   I think this is important for anyone to read, not just about fitting in with NTs but fitting in with anybody, even fellow people on the spectrum!  Because we are all unique individuals and we all have something special to share with this world.  There is no normal.  I think it definitely gets easier with age and experience. I am not that old yet but I know I am more confident with myself and have a better understanding of myself, whereas just a few years ago, I was less sure of myself and timid and more nervous to be myself in public.  

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Dr-David-Banner

" If you embrace who and what you are with no shame and no need of their approval, you will often come across as an alpha, and you'll have their allegiance. "

This isn't what I notice, where I live. What I witness is "all" people not at all embracing who they are but instead following a script. Wearing what will win acceptance, swearing enough to sort of fit in and pretty much following the pack, as it were. Myself I'm sort of half-in an all female group as the only one but I guess it's because I find females much easier to talk to. Part of it is they're young and struggle to pay the bills so I tend to be nice and help out. It's a kind of karma thing and plus (like me) one of the girls loves dogs.
All in all I figure people tend to accept others based on the percentage ratio of normality to deviation. They may ignore the deviation and accept the stuff that blends in. Yet the greater the deviation, the more likely will be you get ignored or under-estimated.


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Eli

Yeah, it's not fail safe. But I do find that people tend to respond well to genuity and sense another person's sense of self. A lot of it is about attitude and how you carry yourself. There have been ideas I've expressed to NTs that they don't get on board with, but I can still get away with a degree of deviance without it alienating me or causing social problems.  But truth be told, it's possible they all talk about how weird I am when I'm not around,  I just really don't mind. It's their right to do so and doesn't need to change me. And that's the attitude people respond well to. It makes people feel stable and comfortable to be around someone who is stable and comfortable with who they are. And the other thing is that NTs have oddities and whimsies too, they're just afraid to express them for fear of rejection.  When you express your own it sometimes encourages them to do the same and that's how bonds are created. But that's another topic. 😀

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Eli
On 10/13/2017 at 11:05 PM, Eliza said:

Hi, Eli. I'm probably the oldest person on this site and I needed this post tonight!

I'm so glad it helped you!

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