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fairytattgirl

shutdowns and adversity

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fairytattgirl

I find if things go wrong eg argument, big mistakes I often shut down and isolate myself. Sometimes I even want to self harm. How does everyone manage esp as an aspie where you constantly feel wrong and defective. In fact I feel the line Why always me

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collectingrocks

I used to feel wrong and defective but came to the conclusion years ago  to just accept who I am. I can't change the fact I have AS and if other people don't like it - it's their problem

Sometimes, shutting down and doing a "reset" helps a lot 

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Prism
16 hours ago, fairytattgirl said:

I find if things go wrong eg argument, big mistakes I often shut down and isolate myself. Sometimes I even want to self harm. How does everyone manage esp as an aspie where you constantly feel wrong and defective. In fact I feel the line Why always me

First, you gotta understand that you aren't 'defective' and grasp that concept. Everyone reacts in different ways to conflict and rough times. Aspies usually struggle with emotion regulation (they feel too much and have meltdowns, they feel too numb/overwhelmed and shut down, or even both), so it's understandable you react that way when facing obstacles or when something goes wrong. It's part of the condition and it's not a 'wrong' way of reacting, just different. You will meet people who won't understand this. Those are ignorant or seriously lack empathy. Luckily, some will at least sympathize if you explain what affects you and why. 

Once you understand this, develop tolerance and patience towards yourself. How I cope now? I go to a nice corner, the bed or the couch, I listen to music, put on comfy clothes and socks and wait for my body to process what's happening at its own pace. Maybe you can have a calming playlist or a coloring book on your devices, or watch your favorite movie? Self-care comes first. If you're outside, make sure you can leave the place, go to a green area with a bench, breathe. I repeat: self-care comes first. 

You can also avoid the temptation of self-harming by getting away from dangerous objects and engaging in a activity that keeps your mind busy, text a friend/acquaintance and ask for help. Post on places like this forum. Once you start texting or posting, the urge to harm yourself will gradually fade away. I hope it works for you as it has for me. 

Stay safe. 

Edited by Prism
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Eliza

I'm just coming out of the isolation box. Less Than is a terrible mindset to get stuck in. Then I make it worse by playing hurtful conversations over and over in my head.

Please don't self-harm as medicine; it only makes things worse and in the end,  you'll feel even worse about yourself. Try self-compassion instead; remind yourself it will pass.

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Eli

The other day I almost had an argument with my husband. We are both Aspies. We don't argue often, but when we do, it's really bad. I think it's because our lives sort of revolve around each other. Neither of us are social, and we are each other's best friend. So if something goes wrong in our relationship, it feels like the world is falling apart. By "wrong in our relationship", I mean we have a spat. Every time this has happened, it has been about ego. And he is better at arguing them I am. I'm the same as you, when I feel like an argument is really going wrong, I shut down and just want to hide. I think it derives from pride. I tend to be very prideful; I am often the smartest, most capable person in the room, but when I'm not, or if I'm losing an argument, I'm embarrassed and want to just put my head in a hole and make it go away. It's really my downfall. I have plenty of strengths and I actively try to overcome my weakness. But my biggest one is my pride/ego. And I don't handle confrontation well at all.

So the other day when we almost had an argument, my husband had this idea, that we start talking about how we felt by stating it like," my ego is telling me that you think I'm a problem for you, blah, blah," instead of just venting chaotically. It changed everything. It's a specific tip for a specific situation, but on the whole, I think it helps to do your best to take a step back and observe yourself objectively. It's really hard to do when your go-to is shutting down and isolating, and sometimes, that's exactly what you should do. Either way, I just try to keep a finger on my emotional pulse and assess the best course of action. If I feel myself getting crazy mad or upset, I will try to say, as calmly as possible," I'm going to a bad place, I'm gonna go be alone for awhile. Everything will be fine."

And yes, for the majority of my life I have felt wrong and defective. Especially before I was diagnosed. The way I handled it is similar to way I handle it now, which is that I try to remember time. Whatever has brought you to this place, it will pass. Sometimes everything is pretty much fine, and then the bottom drops out and I feel like everything is pointless and I'm biding my time until I have permission to die. I can go to a really dark place. But there's this little beacon of hope I try to be aware of, and that is that it will pass. And I feel like I imagine things to be worse than they really are. That's been the case almost always. I call it borrowing trouble. Also, words have power over the unconscious mind. Words are like incantations to the spirit. I have some mantras. One of them is, " I am whole and complete." You may ruminate on some meaningful words, words that describe you as you want to be. Then say that that is who you are. You will start to believe it. I hope you feel better really soon! ^_^

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Nesf

I think that "different, not less" is a good mantra to have whenever you start to think of yourself as defective.

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