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Roxy

Being Too Soft and Giving/Getting Exploited or Taken Advantage Of

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Roxy

Anyone with Aspergers relate to this? 

 

I volunteer and feel I get asked always to do the jobs nobody wants to do because I never say "no".. I'm too nice I think, but that's me.. but it can lead to be getting exploited by people.

I don't like confrontation and arguing. I have good work ethic but it means things build up with me and ain't always the best for me in terms of socially in terms of meeting people if I'm struggling doing something.

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Peridot

Don't be a pushover, Roxy. Be a (wo)man! :angry:

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Gone home


 

22 minutes ago, Roxy said:

it means things build up

I think its important to keep things feeling acceptable to you to prevent a situation becoming established that does not suit you.

I find it much easier to do things for others than for myself -  its an uncomplicated approach.
However, when in yes mode the demands can keep coming .....  after a while they may get a bit much to handle.
In situations where regular demands are being made its important to try and filter more rather than take the path of least resistance ... that means saying no sometimes or suggest they let someone else have a go. 
Though I am a person who likes  to occasionally 'go out on a limb' sometimes (for very short periods!),  I think part of the skill of self management is knowing ones limitations.
Going out on a limb can be exciting, but finding your way back can be a problem.

I'm not sure to what degree, but to some degree we wittingly, or unwittingly create our future situations

A Clint Eastwood movie ( Magnum force 1973) quote. ...' a mans got to know his limitations'

I think there's alot of truth there ... we only really struggle when out of our depth

 

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DavidTheWitch

Unfortunately Aspies are a little like Blacks. You remember how no matter what Obama didn't get angry. That is because if he did he would be seen as an angry black man. A angry Aspie is seen as a misbehaved Aspie thereby we are kept from expressing our true feelings. We are basically meant in this society to be pushovers?

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Ben

No, I'm far too assertive and stubborn. I'm like a young Alan Sugar. (Just without the money and naff computers.) 

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Sanctuary

It's certainly true that people who feel themselves to be outsiders and have low self-esteem - which includes many Aspies and some neurotypicals - want to rectify these situations and see being as helpful and cooperative as possible as the ways to do so. While these strategies can help - and in general it's good to be helpful - they don't always work. As mentioned it's easy to be taken advantage of and to be seen as a "pushover". As David suggested the opposite approach of standing up for oneself and being prepared to say "No" can produce an even more negative response. Aspies and other outsider groups can find themselves in a no-win situation - soak things up, don't complain and try to help others and you're weak and a pushover; stand up for yourself and challenge those who take advantage and you're being confrontational.

Gone home is right that we have to be aware of our limitations. Sometimes people may value our help but if it leaves us very stressed we risk burn-out and no-one benefits in the long run. it's certainly not worth being helpful for people who don't appreciate it and who are ungrateful. Sometimes we are more productive to others in the long-run if we put our own welfare first. There is no value in being a martyr and always trying to put other people first - unless maybe they're willing to do the same. It's hard to know where to draw the line. I am certainly someone who tends to be unassertive and prone to guilt. Perhaps the best guide is not to make any special efforts for those who don't show gratitude and to stop "giving" when you start to feel the strain. Saying "No" also doesn't have to be confrontational - it can be a matter of politely saying "I'm sorry but I can't help" or words to that effect.

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RiRi

@Roxy That really sucks. I think I had a similar problem to you. I didn't want to get kicked out I think and my lack of common sense didn't help either. One time, I had to be outside with smoking elderly people. They had smoking breaks and someone had to watch them. The person who worked there went ahead and grabbed a face mask before entering the smoke of tobacco out there. But, for I don't know how long, maybe 15 minutes, I can't recall, I was out there either inhaling all the smoke or holding my breath and this happened a couple of times. I know the negatives of smoking, let alone, passive smoking which is when you smell the smoke of someone smoking. When the lady grabbed the mask the first time around, she said something like she had a condition that's why she needed the mask, but she should have provided me that mask, regardless, she didn't. This is my health we're talking about, I should have asked for the mask, or refused that task.

I don't know what to say to help you. I don't think I'm an assertive person at all, in fact, I'd probably found myself in situations like yourself if I were working. Besides not being assertive, I also tend to follow orders a lot which isn't good at all. I hope you can find a way to saying "no" if things are affecting you. Or if you're not sure, don't be afraid to ask someone you can confide in (maybe not even at work, but at home) if this is right or not. That's all I have for now, someone else might be able to give you better advice on this situation.

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Nesf

It depends on the situation. Generally speaking, I want to help people, but there are some things I feel strongly about and won't accept, and then my stubbornness can overrride any inhibitions I have about saying no. The biggest problem I have is in asking for things - I find that very hard to do. I don't like approaching people.

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Gone home
10 hours ago, Nesf said:

The biggest problem I have is in asking for things - I find that very hard to do

Yes,  I can relate to that

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Eliza

Yes, I can be 'too nice', but I'm learning to say no a lot more than I used to. I've had friends in the past that made me feel more like a personal assistant than a friend. I finally figured out that saying yes to something I don't want to do makes me feel bad about myself.  It's not worth it.

Now I'll go out of my way sometimes, depending on the circumstance, but for the most part, I only volunteer to do something if I really want to.

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