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      Welcome to the forum!   09/17/2017

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Eli

I work with three other people with Aspergers. No one knows I'm an aspie. Sometimes I observe them and think I am higher functioning, but then sometimes I realize it's just expressed differently.  Mine is almost always expressed through anger. And it always feels like it's so sudden and random. Upon closer inspection it's neither. Today at the end of my work day I found myself livid. When I get to that point it's all I can do to not completely melt down. When I have a meltdown it usually involves snapping at someone, cursing,  making a snide comment,  or some other negative thing that I immediately regret. The regret is always worse because it lasts much longer than the anger. I've had two of these moments this week. The first happened with my husband.  

He called me right after I'd finished doing a rigorous yoga routine and was cooling down and meditating. He asked what I was doing and I told him. I was mildly irritated to have to do conversing in this moment, but I think I managed to not express it. He said sorry for interrupting my meditation and I said something like, it's cool, no worries.  Then he asked me some question.  Then another. Trying to keep my cool... (being asked questions is a potential trigger for me, for some reason it can sometimes irritate me so much to have multiple questions fired at me, particularly if they strike me as pointless gap-fillers). Then, he said, are you ok? Hate this question.  Pointless, even though it's well-intentioned. I guess cause if there's something wrong, I'd say so? I don't know! Hate that question especially.  I said yes. With perhaps an undertone of, "I'm in the middle of trying to meditate and you're firing questions at me, didn't we cover that? " then he said " you been drinking or something?  " Final edge-pushing stupid question.  I yelled "No." It just burst out of me. He had hurt in his voice and the conversation quickly ended. I felt terrible all afternoon and apologized profusely when he got home. 

Then today. The moment of anger came when someone broke routine and I was forced to comply due to time constraints.  I won't get into the specifics.  But it immediately angered me to an irrational degree. I made a snide comment about it then left. I hated that it was the last thing I did before the shift ended. Why did I get pushed to that point over something trivial? It was a day of non stop sensory overload, people whining, bombarding me with time-wasting questions and chit chat, and at the end of that day, all I have left to hold me together are routines, and they were broken.  I actually had this moment when I got home when I asked myself, "what's wrong with me?" And I was like, "oh, right. I have Aspergers." Kind of an amusing moment but at the same time, still disappointed every time I let my temper get the better of me. It feels like something possesses me, says something terrible or hurts someone,  then disappears leaving me to apologize to someone and feel like a crazy a hole. And it's always just when I feel like I'm beyond being pushed to that point that it happens. I don't know if it's going to get any better and I'm deeply afraid that this limit I have had been stretched as far,as it will go and will prevent me from getting much further in my career and general development.  

Okay. Had to get all that off my chest.

Edited by Eli
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Gone away
17 minutes ago, Eli said:

I have had been stretched as far,as it will go and will prevent me from getting much further in my career and general development.  

Maybe with that employer but not necessarily with another. Sounds like you are trying to hard and over stretching yourself.
When that happens with me it usually when I'm trying to hard to help people .... so its ironic they then witness the meltdown.
Thats the thing with aspergers and the invisible disability - sometimes even we don't  see it.
I have come to terms with some of my limitations in life and am working to manage better.
I've had periods of extreme irritability the last 15 years or so ... but they have mostly passed now as I had no choice but to eat humble pie and just let things go as I was a nightmare to be around - though I did not realise at the time.
Questions that don't seem to be important can really grate the nerves.

Sounds like a really crap day. You'll be glad to get to sleep no doubt

 

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Nesf

I think that you need not to try to take on too much at once, and learn to recognise the little signs that a frustration meltdown is iminent - that you feel restless or that you start to stim more, or that you feel tense and irritible. Then, when you are feeling this way, it's time to take a break - go outside for some fresh air, or make yourself a cup of tea or whatever you normally do to calm yourself down. Frustration meltdowns are usually the result of an accumulation of stress and are never one thing, they are the straw that breaks the camel's back - you need to recognise it and take action before it gets to that stage.

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Miss Chief

I also get really irritable when people contact me and ask me inane questions, like yours, my partner asks me if 'everything is fine?' every day and it really bugs me... obviously I would say if something is wrong, having said that, I am not always forthcoming about things that worry/bug me.

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