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Showing content with the highest reputation since 02/19/2019 in Posts

  1. 5 points
    I recognize/relate to about 80% of that. I'm not officially diagnosed but I do think it's safe to say I'm not "like most people" even though most people might say that of themselves. Maybe there's an uncharted area in psychiatry which results in there not being an official name for "what" some people are where they aren't necessarily autistic but they do differ from the "average Joe" so to speak. I'm really not sure.
  2. 5 points
    In my case my mum worked as a special attachment officer in a school so knew the signs when things weren't going so well, so she was very insistent I get a diagnosis. She and my dad have been supportive all along, and I think my 2 NT brothers too.
  3. 5 points
    Howdy, My name is Zac, and I'm 51. Recently I have been "officially" diagnosed with autism. It's always something I've struggled with Through the diagnostic process, I learned that I don't suffer from Aspergers; through very early intervention (both at home and early career) I'm very high functioning and my autism expresses itself in more subtle ways. The feedback that I received from the diagnostic team was that because of my age and conditioning I can pull off neuro-normative for about an hour, but after that I start to give away signs that those are just affectations that I've learned to apply, but the longer I go the harder those affectations are to sustain. I have been extremely fortunate to have had a long career in Information Technology, but after fifteen years with my last employer, I left. I had never struggled with finding a new job, so I left without having something else already lined up, but I have had nothing but problems in finding a new job. When I started in IT, the field was dominated by Engineering types, where knowledge/talent/ability was all that mattered. But, it would seem over the past 10 years, there are now more MBA types in IT than Engineering types, and they have put in place hiring practices that put way more importance on cultural fit than ability. Over the past five years, I have interviewed with many companies, big and small. Twice with Amazon in Seattle, but I was not able to complete their behavioral interviewing process either time. I even reached out to the Microsoft Autism hiring program, but all they were interested in hiring were programmers. While I'm a very good programmer it is not something I can sustain full-time, especially now that Agile project management is the dominant methodology. I am fortunate to be in a long term relationship (18yrs), married for five, but in leaving my job our household income is now only 1/3 of what it was. The last several years I have subsidized our household through income generated by investments. It's nowhere near what I was making, but it was enough to survive comfortably, but last quarter's stock crash decimated my investments, meaning they are no longer generating income; not only that but the hit was substantial enough to reduce my principle, meaning not only do I no longer have any income but it will probably be a year or two before the principle regenerates itself enough to generate any additional income. It seems my biggest problem now is that during a long interview I start to throw up red flags, but what I seem unable to convey is that those red flags need to be put into a context of a 34+ year career. One doesn't work for Walt Disney World(3yrs), Hewlett-Packard(6yrs), and Cisco Systems(15yrs) and not know how to navigate interpersonal dynamics, but I have been unsuccessful in conveying that. The group that diagnosed me (the TEACCH program through the University of NC Chapel Hill), have scheduled sessions to try to work with me to see if there is a way that I can convey that the red flags that interviewers might sense need to be put into the right context. Starting next week, I also have some sessions with a Vocational Rehabilitation program, to see what resources they can help me with. I'm grocking that there are several issues at play. My age is a big one; I'm getting the sense that nobody quite believes that someone of my age is as technically savvy as I am [much less 9 out of 10 times more technically savvy than them!]. Which I don't understand when they are looking right at my resume.{shrug} My guess is that anyone my age that started in technology has moved on to Management? The second issue at play is that I don't have a professional "network". I think most people at my level of expertise find new opportunities through people that they have worked with in the past, but I always viewed "networking" as a huge waste of time, so, I spent no time in establishing those sorts of professional relationships. I have always viewed work/roles/people as functions; as long as those functions were working as intended why invest resources in them, and if they weren't working as intended then my job was to fix them, which I've come to realize runs counter to establishing positive interpersonal relationships. So now I'm at the mercy of going through the same hiring processes that are designed for people that don't have my level of ability (nor disability). So I'm starting to feel... ...fear(?). Which is not an emotion that I am familiar with. For whatever reason, my career has always been effortless, so I don't understand why things seem to suddenly be going off the rails. So anyway, sorry to ramble (apparently 'too verbose' is the number one negative feedback that I receive in interviews), but I just need to connect with anyone that may have had similar struggles, and discuss if/how you overcame them. Thanks! -Zac
  4. 5 points
    It was just some advice, to maybe prevent you from upsetting people, there’s no need to get so defensive. I don’t think you have the right attitude, personally, here’s why… A lot of people won’t be comfortable, for a whole host of reasons, to be asked a lot of questions. And if you ask it even though you know they may not want to answer, then that’s considered rude. The fact that some people have answered or would answer the questions doesn’t change this. If you know a person well enough then sure, go ahead. It’s not that you’re rude for wondering about things, but it’s rude to presume that a person would be comfortable enough to answer, and if they’re not, you’ve then made them uncomfortable by having to address the point of not answering, and potentially feeling the need to explain why they don’t want to answer. When asking many questions, or personal questions, you are assuming that a certain level of intimacy exists with that person, when it in fact may not (and definitely doesn’t in many cases here on the forum), so you’re overstepping socially, which is also seen as rude. It’s not that your questions are offensive on their own, it’s the assumed intimacy between you and who you’re asking that is offensive, and not understanding or accepting that even when you’ve been told. Alternatively, there could be a whole host of reasons, as eluded to above, which you do not know about, which are reasons that should stop you from asking certain things to people you don’t know well. Questions to do with weight, when aimed directly at a person, could be taken as offensive if that person has some kind of body image anxiety, or has recently gained or lost weight for medical reasons – things that if you knew them well enough to ask the question, you would know about and therefore know to be cautious. Of course, asking a question in a thread, aiming it at many people who can choose whether or not to answer is different, and usually, completely fine. Quite simply, some information is just private, and even thinking to ask about it is quite a rude thing to do, when it’s not someone you know well. All that being said, it doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions, it just means you need to be careful what you ask and how you ask it – it’s on you to show sensitivity, and if you slip up, to apologise.
  5. 5 points
    Good morning all, New to the site so this is my first port of call. Antique member who's just retired, diagnosed as an aspie 15 years ago and married to an aspie. Looking forward to reading your stories CB.
  6. 4 points
    @StarlessEclipse Theyre the kind of people who would pull wings off butterflies, they see something beautiful, fragile, vulnerable and only want to destroy it. Its disgusting I really dont see how someone can look at an autistic person or anyone with a disability and do this, they already suffer enough just being in this damn world.
  7. 4 points
    Smoking. I don't necessarily mean the drugs themselves, I mean the act of inhaling substances into the lungs, because not only does it affect the person smoking, but all those around them in the same room. Smoking in public or communial spaces is one of the most selfish things a person can do. If people want to smoke, it's their business and their right to do so, but not their right to impose it on others. They should keep it to themselves and confine it to their own personal space and not that of others.
  8. 4 points
    I was a late diagnosis and I have a really supportive Mum. By the time I was diagnosed, though, my younger brother had already been diagnosed, so she was already in the full swing of being an Autism Mum ahaha Later, she married my Step Dad, and he is also really supportive.
  9. 4 points
    When it's a question directly about another person, aimed at that person, then yes, it's wrong, and rude, to answer for them. It could be that you know that information, but may have been told in confidence or out of the public eye, and to answer for them means you're sharing something which isn't rightfully yours to share. In your example, I believe I tried to steer the conversation forward and not react on a livestream, but I did think it was rude to answer for her. Age is considered private and personal, and shouldn't be given out by another person without their permission. Even if information is on the forum, it may not be something that people would willingly give to someone they don't know who is asking. It's never okay to answer for someone else, in my opinion.
  10. 4 points
    I'd say it depends. If it's some meaningless thing then that's seen as OK by some but if it's something about that person, something personal, then that's frowned upon. You can't speak for that person when it comes to how they think or how they feel about certain things… People don't like it when someone else answers for them as the answer may not be entirely right...and then because someone started saying these things "before their turn" people might start getting the wrong impression of them. Speaking before your turn is rude in general, I'd say. But there are instances where it doesn't cause irritation depending on various factors but in general it's a bad idea, I'd say.
  11. 4 points
    Being new to my diagnosis, I'm finding these forums to be utterly fascinating! I have always thought of a spectrum disorder as a single dimensional line, and one landed at a point somewhere along that line. I'm coming to realize that a spectrum disorder is very multi-dimensional; makes perfect sense in retrospect, but then doesn't everything? I'm starting to see that there are different types of anxiety: Fear anxiety Doubt anxiety Physical anxiety I guess it would be fair to say that because of the nature of not-understanding physical/mental stimuli in the same way as the NT, that doubt anxiety is greater for the NAT? Speaking from personal experience I suffer little doubt, but because of that, it tends to spiral out of control VERY quickly when I do experience it. One such example for me is language; I have always avoided travel to areas where English is not the primary or secondary language. Misunderstanding already being one of my doubt triggers, makes throwing in the mix of a different language something I avoid at all costs. Anyway, back to topic: I would have to say that travel would be one of those areas that we should specifically discuss in whatever form of therapy we pursue. I say that because I think it's a very specific area where we need to develop strategies in advance so that we face less doubt anxiety in times of high stress. Like many have said here already, learning about and taking advantage of tools like Google maps, and street-view etc. (or in my case the translation apps/resources available) is crucial in being prepared so that we are less likely to face doubt anxiety at a time of high stress. To that end, I think seeking out simulated outings where you are first paired with an observer, and then graduate to solo outings, would be a great way to help establish coping mechanisms, and to test one's preparedness.
  12. 4 points
    In January I had an important job interview for a job I really wanted very badly, so I hired an interview coach. The very first thing he taught me was: "You are responsible for how you make another person feel." At first, I laughed, and he asked me why I laughed, and I had to ask if he was really serious, and he told me yes he was. I'm 51 years old, and never in my entire life have I *EVER* felt it was my responsibility for how I made another person feel when I interacted with them. After thinking about it for a while, it hit me like a sledgehammer that not understanding this was at the core of SO many bad interpersonal interactions from my past. But even with that newfound understanding, I looked at this guy with all seriousness and asked him truthfully, "Isn't that exhausting?" It makes no sense to me that instead of teaching everyone how to feel good about themselves and be cognizant of both their abilities and limitations, instead, we force this responsibility on Others; what a waste! I think for introverts and those of us with different social expectations, the entire process of interacting with someone is always going to be a net loss of energy, whereas extroverts and their ilk actually receive energy from all or parts of these types of interactions to make the interaction either a net gain or at least a zero-sum energy expenditure. From this point-of-view, I have always defined "loneliness" as social situations where, of your own free will, you are willing to expend energy, yet instead of being grateful of that, Others take for granted that it's just your responsibility. {shrug} P.S. I didn't get the job.
  13. 4 points
    No-one has the right to do that. Its your body, personal rights and boundaries. You can politely decline, and have every right to do so. 'No thank you' is fine. That is so creepy
  14. 4 points
    It is flawed logic to assume that if you have many and you lose one that the pain will be less than if you have only one and lose it. Maybe this logic is better suited to something like sweets/candy. If you have lots of candy and you drop one, it's not so bad because you still have plenty left to enjoy. Pets are full of personality and losing one is not comforted by the fact you have more, because the others are all different. So, you had one like that, and you lost the only one like that. Yes you have more, but none that are like the one you lost, so it's not comparable.
  15. 4 points
    Read the latest newsletter - February 2019 Newsletter Congratulations to @Nesf for being the top contributor of the month! Congratulations to @Sanctuary for being our selected user of the month! And congratulations to @Peridot, @Pinky and his brainf and @....... for winning our pot luck draw! The above members all won a free 1 month Asperclicker subscription Congratulations to @Primeape for winning the Asperclicker giveaway!
  16. 4 points
    Positive, due to increased access to information, easy and instant communication and the work opportunities I now have. Before the days of the internet, if I wanted to research something, I would have to go to a public library and look for books. If I wanted or needed to communicate with family abroad, I would have no other choice than to phone (this used to be very expensive, especially long distance calls), or write a letter. Now I can communicate instantly and cheaply by email or via the social media. If I wanted to listen to music, to discover new music or listen to a certain song, I'd have to wait for it to be played on a radio channel, or buy it. One had no way of listening to an album in advance to see if one liked it or not and wanted to buy. Now, sites like YouTube or Bandcamp offer the possibility of listening to and discovering new music without having to buy it first. I can also watch films or documentaries online via streaming, something that just wasn't possible before the internet and creation of the World Wide Web, one had to buy or hire videos, and before that, just watch whatever was on TV or at the cinema. Also, I have access to products and services from all over the globe online, whereas before, if I needed to buy something specific or unusual, I would have to go out to find a shop that sells it. On the other hand, what you find on the internet is not necesarily of good quality or worth having, and it's becoming increasingly hard to filter out the wheat from the chaff. To find one decent piece of music, I have to go through another 10 or bad or mediocre quality. To find one useful or relevant article, I need to read another 15 articles. There's a lot of good stuff, but there's also a huge amount of trivia and disinformation. Having the internet does not not necessarily mean that one is better informed, more knowledgeable or educated. I believe that the internet has lead to a more liberal society, more choice, more exposure to new ideas, but also more public access means everything has a tendency to be brought down to the lowest common denominator, hence the huge amount of banal trivia floating around. The internet is a tool that can be used for good or for bad, and what you get out of it depends on how you are going to use it. The internet gives access to anything you could possibly want, but also everything you could possibly not want, including its misuse by criminals, cooperations and governments.
  17. 4 points
    I have wanted a massage chair like that for a long time, but can't afford it either. The best alternative I have found are massage mats like this one. They only cost about US $20 - $30, and give a lot of the same sensation. You can use them while sitting in a recliner, or in bed, or on the floor, or even just wrap them around the part of your body you want massaged. They have been a lifesaver for me. I don't know what I would do without it.
  18. 4 points
    I used to be into jigsaw puzzles too. I never really got a chance to do them until around age 24. I'm actually really good at them and enjoy it too. I've done some with a lot of pieces. I glue finished pieces into poster paper. I have no idea what's the right way to keepsake them. Some made for great pictures to hang. I moved and some got ruined (I think I'll tape and glue the pieces if I do another one) but I think I still have one that looks really good. My current hobby is drawing and watching videos. I've actually gotten really good at drawing, even though I've never taken any art classes.
  19. 4 points
    Ive also had my eye on one of these lamps. I put a scarf over my lampshade at night because I prefer some soft light, and these look beautiful. There are also serval kind of moon lamps that look amazing Also, noise-cancelling headphones are a lifesaver. I listen to podcasts, audiobooks, or soothing sounds while out.
  20. 3 points
    I'm not sure if printing money makes any difference. I think its availability of natural resources that makes a difference and demand of the goods created by them. Because this does not remain static for a number of reasons then prices don't either, so companies start to charge more for anything from a car to a cup of tea, and then competitors change their prices and make special offers. It then becomes very complicated and inflation becomes necessary. It also happens due to innovation. I actually did go to University for free but its no longer free in the UK. Economies worldwide are struggling. One day someone may come up with an answer to simplify things but I certainly don't know what the solution is.
  21. 3 points
    Hi I’m 45 year, male, and for the past few years have suspected that “something is not quite right” with me. Sorry if that offends, I honestly don’t know how best to put it. I don’t know if I have Asperger’s or not, but the more I hear about it, the more the pieces seemed to fit. So I thought I’d throw this out there to the community to see what people think. I wouldn’t say I’m shy, but I’m not great socially. I don’t struggle to strike up a rapport with people, but it’s usually based on me hiding behind humor and quickly fizzles, and after that I really find it hard going to keep conversation or even think of things to say. Social events can go one of three ways; 1. Anxiety kicks in before the event and I pull out. 2. I make myself go, but end up retreating into myself and leave early. 3. I go, have a great time, but you won’t find me on the dance floor or instigating conversation. Not a hope. I can sometimes form very deep emotional connections with people around me (work colleagues, friends etc) with whom I feel I have shared similar life experiences. Those people are generally unaware of my strength of feeling toward them. I always overthink and analyse stuff, to a point where I starting picking up on subtleties that aren’t there, start making assumptions (that seem very real and plausible to me) and then over-complicate things by trying to fix issues that were never there in the first place. This causes me great anxiety and a feeling of being tangled in my own web, which gets worse the more I try to fight my way out. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I often under- and over-empathize: sometimes situations where I should feel sad, I feel very little. Other times (usually with those I have formed a deep emotional connection with) I empathize to a point of becoming overwhelmed with feelings of heartbreak. More often than not it’s one extreme or the other. I’m very introspective and self-critical. I’m very critical of my own work/actions and that of others. I have an acute sense of loyalty and honor, and find it very hard to forgive if my trust is betrayed. I regularly put my foot in it by saying something offensive without realizing it – and am genuinely mortified if someone is offended – and then want to fix it (and end up making matters worse!). Seasonal times where expectations of happiness are high (i.e. Christmas) tend to get me down. Even something as benign as shopping for cards or hearing a Christmas song can trigger a bout of depression. The only melt-downs I've experience are triggered by my own tangled web-weaving, and are I wouldn't describe them as melt-downs. The only way I can get out of the resulting deep funk is by me "rebooting" i.e. going to sleep. 9 times out of 10 I wake up "fixed". I could go on. There’s probably lots of obvious stuff I’ve forgotten to mention, but I’ll leave it for now. I’ve done the online Asperger’s test several times (I leave it a good long while between so that I forget what I’ve previously answered) and always come out right on the borderline. Does any of this ring any bells with anyone? Thanks!
  22. 3 points
    This is a good point. Diagnosis of autism and many other conditions seem to revolve around clinicians or other experts ultimately giving a "yes" or "no" answer. There is resistance to the idea of degrees of autism except between "high" and "low functioning" autism - many people are unhappy with the idea that someone could be "partly autistic" or in some sort of hybrid state. The reality is though of a spectrum and while some people seem very obviously to be autistic and many others very obviously neurotypical there are individuals for whom it is difficult to decide. A clinician or an expert would have to make a "yes" or "no" decision which can be a simplistic response but often they have no alternative as a decision has to be made. Perhaps we can liken it to passing or failing an exam. Exam boards have to set an overall pass mark or grade but it is possible for someone to "pass" very marginally and another person to "fail" very narrowly; it's also possible that a different marker or assessor might have reversed these decisions. Going back to leyper's situation, online tests are certainly useful and in some instances they point very clearly towards or away from autism but in others the results are inconclusive. It's then necessary to examine the test questions and life history in much more depth to see how deep or persistent are the potentially autistic characteristics. This can be done by oneself but discussion with others can be useful and - if so desired - this is what an expert considering a diagnosis would do. Reading more about autism and exploring this forum will certainly help to give a clearer indication. Finally it's worth making the point that even if autism is not the ultimate decision there may be other conditions at work such as social anxiety and these other conditions may also be present with autism.
  23. 3 points
    People who create drama, and drama in general. (I mean as in, unnecessary grief and stress and arguing etc., not the genre )
  24. 3 points
    Sometimes this is done inadvertently, especially on a forum, so one person may not have picked up that a particular point has been directed at another person to answer. Questions specifically about another person should be left for that person to answer (should they wish to do so). Occasionally the question is asked of a specific person but isn't actually about a personal matter, e.g. it may be asking for information about a service or an answer to a broader, factual question. Another person might know the answer to that and might want to post it, perhaps with the good intention of ensuring the questioner gets a quicker response. All the same though it can seem like "butting-in" and not be appreciated by the person who has been asked or the person who asked the question. Generally it's best to wait and let the intended person answer. Occasionally that person hasn't answered after some time and if the question is not in any way personal, e.g. "where can I find details of autistic help services in my area", answering seems okay, especially if it is responding to someone looking for support. It may even be possible to put the information in a private message rather than a public post to avoid seeming to cut across the person asked. Personal, sensitive questions though should never be answered on someone's behalf, either in public or in private.
  25. 3 points
    They were very supportive of my diagnosis - my mum came to the assessment and my sister helped with my paperwork, but they live a long way away and rarely talk to me. I don't have much in common with my siblings and they have completely different personalities. I'm not on their radar at the moment at all.
  26. 3 points
    I was late diagnosis too. I was diagnosed in my early 20s. I am blessed with a very supportive family. Although, going to uni helped me a lot to be more open and helped me understand people more as prior to that I'm not sure if I had such a great relationship with everyone in my family.
  27. 3 points
    @ZacWolf Welcome to the forum Can you look into off-sight, freelance type work where you dont have to be in a corporate environment? Where most of it can be email-based Do you have any business ideas related to your field and expertise that might bring something original to the field? Would being self-employed be a possibility? That way you dont have to convince someone of you skills to hire you, if you can provide something of value directly to customers, or some kind of innovation
  28. 3 points
    @RiRi I like your profile GIF btw Do you have ADD/ADHD? Its a symptom of ADD (I have the innattentive subtype) but I think its also related to autism to not really the 'normal' back and forth social rules In ADD its part of the impulsivity aspect, which can be in both the hyperactive and innattentive subtypes. I have trained myself to ignore the impulse unless a person is struggling to find a word, the I say the word with an uptone at the end to make it a question, so its not like im answering for the person, its just a suggestion that leaves room for the person to correct me if its not what they meant and usually is a helpful prompt to help them find the word or meaning they were looking for. Not that impulsivity means you have ADD, everyone has it to a greater or lesser degree. There is an adult checklist on here if you or anyone is interested https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/adhd-quiz/ and https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/
  29. 3 points
    If an argument starts involving me, I now just say what I have to say or want to say to defend myself or put things straight, then make a statement that I don't intend to continue the argument and leave. I don't have the time, patience or energy for futile arguments and bickering. It takes two people to argue, so if one leaves, it quickly stops. It's not easy to decide to discontinue when the other person is being unfair or accusing you of things that you haven't done or aren't true, or is insulting you, but I'm secure in the knowledge that I am in the right (if I am wrong, I must apologise) and I refuse to play this game of back and forth insulting and arguing, I won't engage in it. I will be in control of my feelings, not the other person. I am responsible for how I feel, not them, I won't let other people try to control or manipulate my emotions, and by continuing the argument I'm doing just that - giving them the control.
  30. 3 points
    Welcome to the forum Zac. My situation is very similar and much of what you say resonates with me. Employment is rather like a train and while the journey can sometimes be difficult while we are still on the train we have a certain security and stability; once we get off it getting back on again is difficult - at least getting back on at a point similar to where we were before. As you mentioned the employment market has changed and seems to have become more focused on "business skills" rather than technical skills or subject expertise. Getting jobs seems to hinge greatly on social skills and some connections - not necessarily an extensive network but having contacts who can provide links to new jobs and vouch for an applicant's quality. I can't offer much advice as I'm also still job-seeking. There may be autism support groups who have advice and employment agencies may also be helpful but sometimes these are more geared to getting someone into any sort of employment, not necessarily what they really want to do. However sometimes even a fairly basic form of employment can show future employers that an applicant is keeping busy and has remained in the employment market. In a sense the best way to get a job is to already be in one but it's getting that current job that can be difficult. Sometimes we just have to keep going and eventually the right opportunity does come along - good luck!
  31. 3 points
    It's always struck me as sexist that guests on TV chat shows receive a handshake from the host if male but are kissed if female. Why is it automatically assumed that women prefer a greater degree of intimacy? It's the same as if the men were addressed as "vous/Sie" and the women as "tu/du".
  32. 3 points
    I feel the same to a degree. Though with my fish, I had a second fish he left behind, and he was behaving erratically after his death, I think due to loneliness, so since fish are social creatures, I did go and get him a friend a few days later. I also don't like having an empty home - as in, the pet's home, so for smaller pets, a cage, when it could be used by an animal who needs it, so when my dwarf hamster, Thor, died I did go and get another one, Marshmallow, so he could benefit from a home full of toys and love. However, when Marshmallow died I couldn't bare to replace him - I think, because I'd been able to grow much closer to him as he would let me pet him, whereas Thor never would. I still miss Marshmallow and couldn't face having another hamster yet.
  33. 3 points
    Blimey this is a long winded conversation about whether or not to ask personal questions. In my book you don't ask anything personal to someone you've never met, it's just not done and when I say personal I mean any questions about sex, weight, what your measurements are and toilet habits but not just these subjects, I'm sure there must be more. I'm not going to give any specific example because I can't be bloody arsed and I'm watching the telly, so let's say no more on the subject.
  34. 3 points
    One time I worked somewhere and the "boss" made this girl kiss him. Or rather he forced herself on her and kissed her on the cheek and you could tell she was feeling very bad... It was a molestation. This girl was very attractive and he was constantly going on about her and at some point the guy apparently stopped caring about her feelings and kissed her. It was awful. This (married) guy I think was some kind of sociopath… Anyway, I'm not fond of this hugging idea. It's creepy.
  35. 3 points
    If you look back, I didn't actually make a statement, I just asked a question about this. And indeed I asked because one is more likely to feel lonely after losing a pet having only had one than having plenty of pets and losing only one of them. Not that losing the pet closest to the owner would hardly be comforted by the fact they the owner has others not nearly as close.
  36. 3 points
    Actually, @Myrtonos does have a point, and I understand what he is saying. In the past, and even today in some cultures, people had very different attitudes towards pets and children. The infant mortality rate was a lot higher, and it was common for families to have many children in the knowledge and expectation that not all will survive to adulthood. Also, those children would also be expected to work in the family business, school was not compulsory so fewer would go school. They had a much more pragmatic, practical approach to raising children. I'm not saying that they didn't love or care for their children, I'm just saying that families had different priorities and attitudes to those which exist today. Nowadays, in most Western cultures, this would be inconceivable; children are the continuation of genes and not labourers or ecomomic commodities. However, I do see some evidence for this kind of thinking when it comes to pets. For example, my parents always had dogs, and always more than one, and I think partly for this reason. It is easier to bear the loss of a pet when there are more pets surviving, and harder when you only have one pet. If you lose your only pet, you may become lonely, but if you have another pet, then you still have a companion. When my grandmother lost her only dog, the first thing my dad did was to buy her another pet. I think it did help her to overcome the loss of her pet. There is no life without death, death is the inevitable conclusion to life and it's something we all have to accept, be it in humans or in pets. We know that pets have a shorter lifespan than humans and when we get a pet, we know that at some time in the future we are going to lose the pet, and must prepare ourselves for this inescapable reality and accept it.
  37. 3 points
    There is a mixture. In a way I think it both opens up and closes off the world at the same time. For example, you might go out less because you're on the internet, and I believe a lot of social skills have been lost because people don't face their initial fears of face-to-face contact as much so may be less used to dealing with strangers. On the other hand, things are often sorted out more quickly and we can find things out so easily and get to connect with so many great people with something in common with us. Come to think of it, without the Internet I'd only really have really met the local Aspies, which where I used to live would have been maybe about half a dozen people (i.e. those who want to meet people). Without the Internet, I wouldn't have moved to where I live now and wouldn't have met my last two partners. I also wouldn't have worked for my previous employer, where I was for 12 years. The downside however is that were not instead reading books, listening to CDs, watching sitcoms, playing board games, having a natter (I know not all Aspies like that though), playing an instrument, playing table tennis or getting out in nature. Its like some of us meet more new people but maybe spend less time with family and close friends.
  38. 3 points
    Member has been banned
  39. 3 points
    Another barrier I have to participating in group conversations is that I don't process fast enough. I'm always a second or so behind everyone else and by the time I have taken in what they are saying and thought of a response, someone else has already responded and I miss the opportunity. If I wait for a gap, that gap never comes, the conversation moves on and I don't get to speak. Or sometimes, I start to say something at the same time as someone else starts to speak, and the group all listen to them and not to me. I feel like I don't have a voice. I also have the issue that my mind wanders and I find it hard to keep myself engaged and listening to the conversation. If it's not on a topic that interests me, I get bored very quickly and my mind wanders. This is partly a cultural thing - in some countries I have been in, they really make the effort to draw new people into the conversation, but in other countries they make little or no effort. Here, it is up to you to join in and nobody will ever make the effort to include you. It means that newcomers or shy people often find it hard to join in and can feel excluded. In some ways it's better, because I find it hard work, tiring and awkward to converse, it's a huge effort, both because I'm speaking a foreign language and because of my Asperger's. Someone trying to be polite by including me or engaging me in the conversation by asking me lots of questions about myself or small talk is very difficult for me, I actually prefer to be left alone.
  40. 3 points
    I've certainly been at many social events where I've been sat with people and barely said a word and barely had anyone speak to me or even seem to acknowledge my presence. It's almost like becoming part of the furniture. Sometimes I chip in a comment or am briefly drawn into the conversation but mostly these are very awkward events and I can't wait to go home. In part this is my own social reticence - not just anxiety but perhaps giving the impression that i don't really want to be there and therefore not making an effort to get involved. More socially confident or motivated people also sometimes find themselves in these kinds of situations but present themselves differently. They are more adept at slipping themselves into the conversation but even if they don't speak much they are better at showing non-verbally that they are part of the interaction - they clearly seem to be listening, they're nodding or otherwise acknowledging others' comments and this can also mean they're more likely to be invited into the conversation. I suppose my presence at many events is rather inert and inactive and in those circumstances it's easy to blend into the background and become a "non-person". I do feel that when someone is a newcomer to a group or organisation (as HalfFull mentioned above) the established members should make more effort to engage and make welcome the new person - that person may still choose to take a low profile but it's important to try to draw them in. It's an irony that supposedly socially-skilled people will often ignore newcomers, perhaps so confident in their social status and existing groups that they feel no need to reach out to others. I think it may have been Peridot sometime ago who likened himself (and maybe others with ASD) to extras in a movie. We are often the ones who just seem to be part of the scenery or crowd whose words and personality can be overlooked. Among friends or acquaintances our status rises to bit-part actors or even to "supporting actor" but rarely do we become the stars or even "central performers".
  41. 3 points
    I love the watching TV analogy. I can connect to some extent in some friendship groups I'm in, but you've just reminded me of one of my lunchbreaks at a work placement I started last week. About 3 women came to sit at the table I'd chosen. They all chatted among themselves but not to me. I think the one opposite me looked at me a couple of times when speaking maybe trying to include me, but they were talking shop and I couldn't relate, so I really did feel like an observer, as if it was "Bring your child to work day". There might as well have been a glass screen there.
  42. 3 points
    Unfortunately the things I'm good at or where I have very deep levels of knowledge are ones that relate to interests of mine which very few people share and which can't be monetised Perhaps the rare "skill" that I have is calendrical calculation where I can tell people instantly what day of the week something happened on, including long before I was born and up till the end of this century. So if you want someone who knows about patterns in dates and can tell you instantly what day of the week they were born on or when 22 February will next be on a Friday I'm your man (2030, 2036, 2041, 2047....) Unfortunately another fairly useless skill but distinctive to have it nonetheless.
  43. 3 points
    @RiRi Yes, I have twice. Once in Taupo, once in Whangarei in NZ. It was a very intensely experience. It was beautiful - the panoramic view, the amount of the earth you can see - and see the curve of the earth as you are falling towards it. Its surreal. There is a lot of wind. Its the most alive ive ever felt, like I was really alive in every cell. The closest ive had to flying - especially after the initial fall where you are coasting (with the parachute) on the wind like a gull. I was not afraid - I decided that if I decided I wanted to do it, I didnt want to be in fear the whole time because that would ruin it, I accepted that I could in theory realistically die and that would really be okay, I had nothing to loose, I told my mind that any feelings I had were excitement and refused any anxiety, so I was really able to be present with the experience. Ive always been afraid of heights - it was party overcoming that and just curiosity about my own human experience? That probably sounds weird but I only have one life to figure it out - and what better way than the extremes of the human experience - that was my logic anyway. The first one was less good because my ear covers were a little loose and wind got it which hurt my ears, which I could mostly block out but made me want to do the second time. It was exhilarating and brilliant. I am still so grateful for the experiences. I think I would do it again if I had the opportunity, I'm probably less open to life now that im older and im more sensitive these days. Are you thinking of doing it?
  44. 3 points
    Reading , gaming, pottery, colouring in, swimming, watching Netflix I like jigsaws too but I don't do them as much as I'd like really.
  45. 3 points
    Learning languages What are you good at, @RiRi?
  46. 3 points
    I like to crochet. I also sometimes do gaming videos on youtube, and I love to play video games. I spend a little too much time playing video games lol. I also like to binge-watch shows on netflix, and I like to watch anime.
  47. 3 points
    All my hobbies are related to History. I sew and do woodworking and also some metalwork (like making a custom tool that i need for making something) I also do Living History (now its 18th century) I'm not sure if its a hobby or just a lifestyle, but I've been doing Tai Chi Chuan for 16 years I use to do a lot more stuff, but it got a little overwhelming. I taught German medieval long-sword, I've done Norse, Polish Hussar, Celt Living History. I keep changing or learning new things (like bookbinding) Sorry for the fragmented response.
  48. 3 points
    Crocheting. Especially small throw blankets. I like it because I can make something that looks nice and is useful by crocheting one stitch at a time when I have a few moments. I like watching a fun show while crocheting. I like blankets, this one pattern in particula4 because it is two repeating rows of alternating stitches. Easy but when it comes together, I am amazed by the outcome.
  49. 3 points
    I once tried a top of the line massage chair in a mall when I was having a tough moment - the person was very nice to me and let me cover myself up a bit to be more comfortable - but it felt amazing and helped so much ( I still had to go calm down for a while - I go into the parents room - they have curtained off cubicles with soft chairs, I dont think anyone would mind - also because im female, but noone has found me there yet). The massage chairs are extremely expensive - it had parts to put your legs in which squeezed - which gave a sense of compression which is hard to produce. My ex-partner used to 'click my back' my wrapping his arms around me from behind and lifting me (he was tall) and kind of bouncing on the spot to make my back click - it was the compression I liked best. I know it sounds odd. Cant be helped.
  50. 3 points
    I don't even remember the last time I asked for directions. I look everything up on Google maps before I go. I find the best route, and then memorize it. I also look it up in Streetview, to see what the place looks like, so I will recognize it when I get there.

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