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Showing content with the highest reputation since 10/18/2018 in all areas

  1. 8 points
    I know that over the years, people have passed judgement on a great many things about me and the way I run the forum etc., and it kind of occurred to me lately that apologies are due, some to specific people (one of which is what prompted me to write this), and some to the forum as a whole. But it also occurred to me that I’m no longer afraid to speak out about certain things. So this will be an apology but also me finally speaking my truth. For the purposes of this blog post, I will refer to my ex as ‘C’ – those of you that the apologies apply to know who I mean, I just don’t want to type his name over and over. The truth is that there are many reasons why I’ve acted certain ways at certain times, but I feel I should have been strong enough at those times to know who I was, and to stand by my own thoughts and morals, and not be persuaded to adopt someone else’s thinking. There’s a lot that happens with relationships that people don’t see, that is true for everyone. It’s truer still for people in any kind of abusive relationship. There is an effort made in public to seem like a perfect couple – 1. From the abuser, so that they don’t raise suspicion, and so that when the victim tries to tell people something’s wrong, they can’t for a second believe that the abuser could ever be anything other than the lovely person they appear to be. And 2. From the victim so that they don’t suffer any consequences behind closed doors. There’s a lot that can go wrong in a relationship, and it’s never only one person’s fault, this is true for everyone. In my circumstance, I feel a large fault is with me for not realising soon enough that C was abusive, for sticking up for him when he was being abusive and for not been brave enough to leave. But I do also understand that in the situation I was in, I merely did the best I could and learnt to submit and survive. I feel that to give any of this context a few examples must be given. Growing up, my Dad was volatile – he was angry and controlling, and I was terrified of him. He manipulated situations to make me feel worthless, from when I was just a young child, so I grew up with a belief that I wasn’t good enough and that I always needed to impress him or do as he said to avoid punishment, not knowing that his demands were unreasonable and cruel. He frequently abandoned me when I really needed support most. He had a routine of giving me bad news or getting angry with me in public when I was relying on him to get me home, so I had to act the way he was expecting me to at least until I was safe. When I met C at 17, I was probably at the lowest point of my life thus far. I’d known him a few years already, as friends, so he knew a lot about my Dad and about my bullies through school etc. Early on, when I said I didn’t want to be in a relationship, he got angry with me, usually when I was with him alone and he’d driven us somewhere, so I defaulted to acting how he wanted to keep him happy until I was safe at home. He also developed a routine of threatening to hurt or kill himself if I didn’t see him. I thought he needed help, I didn’t think he was manipulating the situation. He sexually assaulted me, because I couldn’t overpower him, and I was afraid because he’d taken me out in the car and then stopped somewhere dark and far from my house. He raped me on a separate occasion because I’d allowed him to stay over after more suicidal threats, and because again I couldn’t overpower him, physically or with words. ‘No’ and ‘stop’ lost all meaning and so I just gave up. By this point his anger had me beat and I was already slipping into a habit of doing what C wanted so that I didn’t suffer. But looking back I was suffering all along, so I don’t know why I did the things I did. Having since had PTSD therapy to help overcome my relationship with C, I learnt that the brain reacts to the actions he was making in a certain way. In a traumatic situation such as sexual or mental abuse, your brain has a fight or flight response. I couldn’t fight him in a lot of these situations: I wasn’t strong enough. ‘Flight’ also wasn’t an option many times because he had taken me somewhere that I couldn’t get home from. The final choice in these scenarios is to submit. And when we submit to something traumatic, we don’t really stick around in ‘the now’ to experience or process it fully, which is why we then suffer PTSD, because something will trigger one of those partially formed memories and we will go back to that moment to try and process it, but we often are left with just a feeling, like the one we felt at the time. So unfortunately, I spent most of my 6 years with C submitting – slowly losing any sense of self-worth, sanity, happiness…anything, until I was just a numb shell. There were moments where I felt better, and I’d maybe reach out to people in these moments, something which I would later realise was a huge mistake when C came home and read my messages and got angry with me for speaking to someone other than him. I would then promise not to do it again. Or I would think about going back into education, or look for a part time job, or learning to drive, something to get me out of the house and start building a future for myself – something which I would again regret, when C would close down the idea completely, saying it would be a waste of my time, or that he didn’t want me being around other people – guys – who would talk to me, if I had a job, or that I didn’t need a car of my own because where would I need to go without him? I’d maybe wear a nice outfit or do my hair and makeup nice, but then he would make me change because I looked too ‘slutty’, and he didn’t want people looking. I eventually ended up not leaving the house, not speaking to anyone, barely seeing my family (because C didn’t like who I was when I was with them), not making any effort with how I looked, and basically just existing to please him. Whenever C had crazy ideas about how our future would look, I would go along with it – we’ll move to America, we’ll move to Sweden, we’ll start a business, we’ll start a different business etc., and I also did lots of research to see how doable any one idea was and try my best to make it seem like it could work. Sure, I’d have loved to visit these places, and running your own business is great. But, me leaving the country forever with C, so he had complete control of everything and total ownership of me…no. Running a business, so I’d be with him 24/7 (a reason he wanted to pursue it, so we’d have no need to be apart). These weren’t my dreams, they were just things I was trying to make happen to keep him happy. Happy C meant less shouting, less sexual abuse, less punishments – whether it was him storming off in the car and leaving me at home, or somewhere we’d been, or him playing games and not talking to me at all. It came to a head when his behaviour worsened and his family started to notice and pull him up on it, and check that I was okay. It became unbearable. All of this whilst there was a wedding planned that I felt tied to, a house we were buying that I thought would make him happy enough to stop abusing me. But when other people were starting to notice his cruelty, I started to get braver and realise just how wrong the situation I was in was. This is where I made my biggest mistake, but it’s one I will never regret, because it’s what led to me being able to leave C once and for all. With his family checking in on me so much, I was able to get to know his brother for the first time in 5 years. C had always put a stop to any interaction I had had with him in the past, unhappy that I had things in common with him. But getting to know him and realising that a person can just be nice to you…with no expectations and no games, was a real eye opener for me. And with me being trapped in the house (we lived with him at the time) he was the only other person my age I had any contact with and had had any contact with for years. So, it was nice to just chill and talk about films, cars and music. Which led to flirting and a kiss or two etc., (no sex, I struggled with intimacy because of the sexual abuse from C). He introduced me to his friends, and we went to car meets together and it was amazing to feel a little bit free and for those moments, a little bit happy. So, one day, after months of starting to feel more confident, braver and feeling not so worthless, an argument with C just tipped me over the edge and I said I had to have some time away from him to rethink everything. He gave me a few hours before turning up to beg me to stay, reverting to talking about suicide if we ever weren’t together. He asked me if there was someone else, and I can’t lie so I nodded. I didn’t want to ruin his entire family, so I didn’t say who. But he later logged into my PC and hacked into my phone and found our conversations, so that was, effectively, that. He did beg me to stay still, but I had to take this chance to escape, so I said no. He got angry, locked me out of our house, blackmailed my parents for money, stole my forum and kept most of my possessions. End of story. I don’t blame him for his reaction there, he assumed I’d been sleeping with his brother for months, even though that wasn’t quite the case – It’s obviously still not right what I did, but like I said…no regrets. All this to say that, behind the scenes, behind every mood swing that you’ve seen from me, behind every change of plans, every out of the blue decision…was me struggling to exist with C. So, with that all written down, I would first like to say sorry to the original members of the forum, those who were frequent posters in the first year, 2013. I initially was so positive and had a lot of contact with many of you, which I know dropped off for no apparent reason, firstly by me seeming distant and dismissive, and then you just all got the message to quit trying – something which deeply saddened me, but I absolutely expected and didn’t blame you for it. Of course, in the above you see why this happened. I’m just sorry I didn’t fight back and insist that I be allowed friends. @Alex and @Ben are people who I used to be close to and then just totally phased out. These are two members who deserve specific apologies, because I started being quite cold to you both – Ben in particular. This was because C had a habit of looking at my messages (texts, skype, Facebook and PM’s on the forum – yes, he used to read PM’s, which he could do through the back back end of the system, some kind of code or something, it’s not a feature on the software of the forum, so don’t worry, I have no clue how he did it, but he was exceedingly good at keeping an eye on everything – he even had access to everyone at his workplaces emails) and he was particularly annoyed/threatened because you’re both male and we got along well, so he wanted that to be stopped immediately, but also to see that I wasn’t been favourable to you anymore. I’m sure that some of the damage I did there is probably permanent, and that’s totally okay, I just wanted to say sorry and explain. I’d also like to apologize to the whole forum, because there have been many times where I very poorly handled situations, which for one reason or another boiled down to my unstable mental state through all the above, and how cruel C had been to me on whichever day. There were many times where I got into serious trouble with him for spending so long on the forums, so if I ever just seemed to lose my patience and stop trying to solve an issue and just dish warnings out and call it job done, it was because I was trying to limit the amount of shouting C was doing. I’m sorry in general for anyone I’ve ever upset through that period of my life. I was so isolated, and any semblance of a friendship was quickly torn down by C so I know I will have hurt people’s feelings along the way. I’ll also apologize because I was inactive online and didn’t do much with the forum for a long time after I left C, but the fallout from living the way I did for so long was quite severe and took a lot of healing, and a lot of therapy. July 2015 to Jan 2016 was spent being the most depressed I’ve ever been – with an element of missing being abused, which is a hard thing to process, but that’s the best way I can put it, purely because it was my every day, my routine, all I knew, and it wasn’t there anymore and it was weird to deal with. I had a lot of therapy/assessments/medications during this time. Late 2015 to early 2016 I had a few relationships, which all failed, and I realised that I needed to be single, to learn to be me again, to do things on my own, to plan my future and to finally get better. So, I spent about a year working on myself, and even though my physical health got much worse, my mental health got so much better. I started dating my partner August 2017; studied at college from September 2017 to June 2018; had the PTSD therapy from January to July 2018. From then until now I have just been studying, working, spending time with my partner, and organizing my life. 2019 signalled that it was finally time to get back to the forum and make it what I always wanted it to be, not what C decided it should be. I’m not looking for anyone to be accepting these apologies, and I’m not looking for sympathy. I just, as always, would like to think that sharing my story might help someone else. Anyone who has suffered anything like this who is afraid to talk about it, I hope you get to a point in your life where you’re no longer scared, the way that I finally have. C can’t hurt me anymore. And even if he tried, I’m so happy with my life the way it is now, that I don’t think he’d be able to do much. Since I left him in mid-2015, I’ve been able to chase all my dreams and start making my goals happen. I’ve remembered that I’m optimistic, hopeful, a hard worker, ambitious and capable of happiness – and worthy of happiness and love. I’ve become a moderately successful automotive photographer, with companies sending me to cover shows. I’ve earned a level 3 diploma in art and design and am now studying for my degree. I’ve built and run many websites completely on my own. I’ve learned to drive, and I own a car. I have a loving boyfriend, who fully supports me and allows me my freedom. We have plans to buy a house together early next year. I have met so many people and made so many friends. I’ve travelled Europe, gone to Sweden twice and had many other small, UK holidays and trips. I’m genuinely living my best life, and I still have so many hopes and goals, that I know I can achieve, because I’m working my ass off for it all! Last year was my best year, that I’ve ever had, and I know this one will be even better.
  2. 8 points
    Update: two years on from surgery and I'm still cancer free
  3. 7 points
    I guess we’re a little bit interesting because we’ve both dated someone on and off the Autistic Spectrum, so we do have some grounds for making comparisons. Of course, we’d both need to date a lot of people on and off the spectrum to be able to make any real observations that are definitely because of Autism, rather than just the personality of that one person we dated. We’ve each been in two serious relationships, one with someone like ourselves (I with someone on the spectrum, Rhys with someone not) and one with each other. But here’s where it differs – the other people I have dated have all been off the spectrum, as have the other people Rhys has dated. I have found it easier to get along with people who are, for all intents and purposes, ‘normal’, or a kinder way to put it is ‘neurotypical’ (NT). I see that, on the whole, they are more sympathetic to my quirks, and easier for me to be around without adding to my anxiety. Though that’s not to say that there aren’t things that don’t agitate my anxiety, being with an NT person, but I just find those things easier to deal with. My longest relationship (and my first), was with someone on the spectrum – although I suspect there was more going on than just Asperger’s. This was a dark period of my life; he was the type of person who thrived off of putting someone else’s light out, making them live alone in the dark until they forgot who they used to be. It was never a good relationship, I just didn’t know any different. Therapy for the post-traumatic stress disorder showed me that it was worse than I thought it was, because it made me process everything fully and come to terms with those six years of my life. But I digress. Since that relationship, I dated a few guys, all firmly within the neurotypical category. I was largely hindered by PTSD symptoms and ran a million miles away when anyone did anything like my ex – but, I learnt to trust my instincts, and it’s working out pretty well so far. I found that my anxiety got a lot worse whenever they did things that reminded me of him, and in turn they couldn’t deal with my anxiety, and it snowballed a little until I decided it just wasn’t going to work out. If you can’t love me at my worst…thank u, next. I noticed that a lot of guys tried to change me – or ‘help me’ be more normal, rather than just letting me be me, and loving me for it. I don’t have problems that I need someone to fix, I’m a fixer, I’ll sort myself out. I need support, not pushing to be something they’d prefer me to be. They were quick to lose patience with my issues – issues that only seemed to be there because of them anyway. A few months was the most relationships would last before they grew tired of my shenanigans, and they realised that it just wasn’t worth the hassle, or I realised that they weren’t worth changing for…no one is! Rhys is different, he doesn’t seem phased by my quirks, and I have a lot less anxiety related issues because he’s not always pushing me or trying to change me, or nagging at me about my problems (except about my cluttered room, fight me bitch). I actually went to school with Rhys, but never stayed in touch. Until he slid into my DM’s, post breakup with six year guy (asl?). We were good friends, and a bit on an off, then he dumped me after a few months and I went on with my life and dated a bunch of guys. But we did stay in touch, as friends (and as ‘friends’). And then poof, one day we were just like…shit’s not working out with anyone else, you wanna be all official and stuff? And official we still are. He’s the most normal guy I’ve ever dated. He plays football and goes to the pub with his friends. Hello normal life, come at me bro. I attend football matches with him, and go to the pub afterwards, and he does weird stuff that I like to do, like go to stately homes, or camp in a field at a car show for a few days. Compromise is a wonderful thing. He supports me all the time, and he knows everything about me, so he’s always conscious of if something’s wrong and does his best to help. He’s super patient and easy going. He lets me have a life away from him, just like he has a life away from me. And it just works, without any anxiety or hassle. To conclude, I think that relationships largely boil down to the individual, and their personality, and their capacity to love a person no matter what. Sure, I had some nice relationships with other NT guys, but ultimately it wasn’t a good fit – though every relationship with an NT, no matter how short, was an immensely better fit than the one AS guy I dated. Take from that what you will (spoilers, he just wasn’t a nice person, AS or not).
  4. 6 points
    My cat got a new bed today and she seems to like it.
  5. 6 points
    Howdy, My name is Zac, and I'm 51. Recently I have been "officially" diagnosed with autism. It's always something I've struggled with Through the diagnostic process, I learned that I don't suffer from Aspergers; through very early intervention (both at home and early career) I'm very high functioning and my autism expresses itself in more subtle ways. The feedback that I received from the diagnostic team was that because of my age and conditioning I can pull off neuro-normative for about an hour, but after that I start to give away signs that those are just affectations that I've learned to apply, but the longer I go the harder those affectations are to sustain. I have been extremely fortunate to have had a long career in Information Technology, but after fifteen years with my last employer, I left. I had never struggled with finding a new job, so I left without having something else already lined up, but I have had nothing but problems in finding a new job. When I started in IT, the field was dominated by Engineering types, where knowledge/talent/ability was all that mattered. But, it would seem over the past 10 years, there are now more MBA types in IT than Engineering types, and they have put in place hiring practices that put way more importance on cultural fit than ability. Over the past five years, I have interviewed with many companies, big and small. Twice with Amazon in Seattle, but I was not able to complete their behavioral interviewing process either time. I even reached out to the Microsoft Autism hiring program, but all they were interested in hiring were programmers. While I'm a very good programmer it is not something I can sustain full-time, especially now that Agile project management is the dominant methodology. I am fortunate to be in a long term relationship (18yrs), married for five, but in leaving my job our household income is now only 1/3 of what it was. The last several years I have subsidized our household through income generated by investments. It's nowhere near what I was making, but it was enough to survive comfortably, but last quarter's stock crash decimated my investments, meaning they are no longer generating income; not only that but the hit was substantial enough to reduce my principle, meaning not only do I no longer have any income but it will probably be a year or two before the principle regenerates itself enough to generate any additional income. It seems my biggest problem now is that during a long interview I start to throw up red flags, but what I seem unable to convey is that those red flags need to be put into a context of a 34+ year career. One doesn't work for Walt Disney World(3yrs), Hewlett-Packard(6yrs), and Cisco Systems(15yrs) and not know how to navigate interpersonal dynamics, but I have been unsuccessful in conveying that. The group that diagnosed me (the TEACCH program through the University of NC Chapel Hill), have scheduled sessions to try to work with me to see if there is a way that I can convey that the red flags that interviewers might sense need to be put into the right context. Starting next week, I also have some sessions with a Vocational Rehabilitation program, to see what resources they can help me with. I'm grocking that there are several issues at play. My age is a big one; I'm getting the sense that nobody quite believes that someone of my age is as technically savvy as I am [much less 9 out of 10 times more technically savvy than them!]. Which I don't understand when they are looking right at my resume.{shrug} My guess is that anyone my age that started in technology has moved on to Management? The second issue at play is that I don't have a professional "network". I think most people at my level of expertise find new opportunities through people that they have worked with in the past, but I always viewed "networking" as a huge waste of time, so, I spent no time in establishing those sorts of professional relationships. I have always viewed work/roles/people as functions; as long as those functions were working as intended why invest resources in them, and if they weren't working as intended then my job was to fix them, which I've come to realize runs counter to establishing positive interpersonal relationships. So now I'm at the mercy of going through the same hiring processes that are designed for people that don't have my level of ability (nor disability). So I'm starting to feel... ...fear(?). Which is not an emotion that I am familiar with. For whatever reason, my career has always been effortless, so I don't understand why things seem to suddenly be going off the rails. So anyway, sorry to ramble (apparently 'too verbose' is the number one negative feedback that I receive in interviews), but I just need to connect with anyone that may have had similar struggles, and discuss if/how you overcame them. Thanks! -Zac
  6. 6 points
    My cat, Moo He's not a dog, but he acts like one quite a lot and he likes to sleep on my feet. He also tends to know when I'm especially unwell and comes to sit with me. He just generally makes me happy and I'm grateful he chose me to be his human.
  7. 6 points
    Just got a message in my email that said Willow sent me a message on here. I keep forgetting about this site sometimes. I'm back, and hopefully I'll stay.
  8. 6 points
    I understand how much of a struggle this can be. At college last year our tutor would give us assignments the day before they were due and it was very stressful. The best way I've found to cope is to break everything down into smaller, manageable parts, and create a list of the order you need to do things in. Do an item on the list, have a short break doing something that you find relaxing, do the next item, have a break, and so on until you have ticked all the items on the list off. Since you have a partner, I assume you are working together on all of this, so either - meet up and break the work down and make the to-do list together, and each take parts away to do, or, if you prefer to be in control, make the list yourself and tell them which bits to work on. It seems simple, but I find it can really help me to feel organised enough to make a start. You can also, whilst making the list, prioritise which tasks are the most important, so if you don't manage to get through them all, the last tasks aren't vital for handing in to your teacher. Sometimes, we over perfect our work, and we can get away with doing much less and still pass. So try to go over everything once in less detail than you would normally, and if you have time, go over again and add more details - if you don't have time to go over it again, you still have a completed project to hand in, which is better than nothing at all. I hope this is understandable enough for you, let me know if something doesn't make sense due to our language differences!
  9. 6 points
    Hello everyone, I'm a returning member to the forum. I'm 28, and I've diagnosed with ASD since childhood pretty much. I also have a condition called ulcerative colitis which affects my bowels. Just an update to what I've been up to. I got a masters degree in toxicology (that's how things affect the body - I don't poison anyone!), but I've still been finding it tricky to get a job. In the meantime, I've been doing some volunteering in the hospital, mostly fixing hearing aids and also offering tea and coffee in A&E on other days. I also do some casual work in a local pub, it's tiring but I can at least get some experience and money. In my spare time, I've been learning how to knit, and I play computer games. The future is still fairly uncertain for me so far. If I have to, I'll return to university. I wouldn't mind learning about medicine, but I'm not sure how well I would work in a high-pressure job.
  10. 6 points
    Good evening everyone, So my name is Rhys, I’m 24 and Neurotypical. Some of you that follow @Willowsocial media’s etc might recognise me as being her partner. I thought it was about time I delved into the forum not only to help @Willowbut to chat and help if I can to the lovely people that call this place home :). Please feel free to ask questions to get to know me more and I’m sure we will all have a great time. Rhys
  11. 5 points
    To be honest, i haven't done anything too outwardly exciting this summer! But it has been good. Missed Asperclick because I have been too busy to even check in as much as I used to. I recently turned 29 and got to celebrate with my husband... Wait I think I haven't told Asperclick that I'm married now! It was a little before summer, in May. Anyway, I have been enjoying married life this summer. We went on a couple small trips within Canada and will be going on another one next weekend. It has been a fun summer so far, just low key and casual as usual.
  12. 5 points
    In my case my mum worked as a special attachment officer in a school so knew the signs when things weren't going so well, so she was very insistent I get a diagnosis. She and my dad have been supportive all along, and I think my 2 NT brothers too.
  13. 5 points
    I thought it would be good to make a list of all the good autism videos and documentaries out there. I find them so helpful as I'm a very visual person but also just seeing more people like me has so helpful personally, and it helps me understand the breadth and diversity of the autism spectrum. Its useful when others have insights into their own experience and really good to see those who have managed to find a supportive niche for themselves in the world or some kind of success as per their own definition of success. I personally prefer ones focused on autistic individuals rather than just informational or explanatory ones, Ive also stayed away from personal vlogs, more chatty-style vids and pseudoscience/'cures'. Also these are mostly focused on adults on the 'higher functioning' end of the spectrum but thats just because thats what I watch but feel free to post other kinds just the ones you would recommend. I was looking through my youtube history looking for a specific autism documentary and realised I have seen hundreds - and a lot of them were really good and others might benefit
  14. 5 points
    It was just some advice, to maybe prevent you from upsetting people, there’s no need to get so defensive. I don’t think you have the right attitude, personally, here’s why… A lot of people won’t be comfortable, for a whole host of reasons, to be asked a lot of questions. And if you ask it even though you know they may not want to answer, then that’s considered rude. The fact that some people have answered or would answer the questions doesn’t change this. If you know a person well enough then sure, go ahead. It’s not that you’re rude for wondering about things, but it’s rude to presume that a person would be comfortable enough to answer, and if they’re not, you’ve then made them uncomfortable by having to address the point of not answering, and potentially feeling the need to explain why they don’t want to answer. When asking many questions, or personal questions, you are assuming that a certain level of intimacy exists with that person, when it in fact may not (and definitely doesn’t in many cases here on the forum), so you’re overstepping socially, which is also seen as rude. It’s not that your questions are offensive on their own, it’s the assumed intimacy between you and who you’re asking that is offensive, and not understanding or accepting that even when you’ve been told. Alternatively, there could be a whole host of reasons, as eluded to above, which you do not know about, which are reasons that should stop you from asking certain things to people you don’t know well. Questions to do with weight, when aimed directly at a person, could be taken as offensive if that person has some kind of body image anxiety, or has recently gained or lost weight for medical reasons – things that if you knew them well enough to ask the question, you would know about and therefore know to be cautious. Of course, asking a question in a thread, aiming it at many people who can choose whether or not to answer is different, and usually, completely fine. Quite simply, some information is just private, and even thinking to ask about it is quite a rude thing to do, when it’s not someone you know well. All that being said, it doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions, it just means you need to be careful what you ask and how you ask it – it’s on you to show sensitivity, and if you slip up, to apologise.
  15. 5 points
    Good morning all, New to the site so this is my first port of call. Antique member who's just retired, diagnosed as an aspie 15 years ago and married to an aspie. Looking forward to reading your stories CB.
  16. 5 points
    I have wanted a massage chair like that for a long time, but can't afford it either. The best alternative I have found are massage mats like this one. They only cost about US $20 - $30, and give a lot of the same sensation. You can use them while sitting in a recliner, or in bed, or on the floor, or even just wrap them around the part of your body you want massaged. They have been a lifesaver for me. I don't know what I would do without it.
  17. 5 points
    I kinda' feel like Red from the Shawshank. On Asperclick, I've seen it all, done it all, said it all, and posted it all. Every friend I ever made on here left years ago, and likewise, every enemy I ever made on here tumbled into the well of obscurity, never to return again. The flame wars we had? I honestly couldn't tell you what either one of us said or why we were arguing. The friends I made? Who knows, they could me making millions or starving to death. I wouldn't know In 2013 I 'left the forum' - twice. Funny how I managed to be one of the last ones left in the foxhole. I left, but always came back. And to be honest, I'll probably be here until Willow is cashing her pension and I'm making reams of threads were I reply to myself thinking I'm someone else. Yeah... I guess commitment was always a strength of mine. The people I've met here have taught me SO much about Autism. The biggest lesson of course, is that every individual case is like a unique serial code. And no two combinations of numbers will ever match. I've come across shy, reserved, and introverted members. I've come across confident, outgoing and extroverted members, as well as every bespoke plethora of traits that they bring to the table, with some rare members falling into just about every category. If you're an Autistic worker , you SERIOUSLY missed a trick in not joining us. Because no book, degree, or academic construction will EVER be able to give you as much as we can. Sadly, advances in social media have kind of murdered platforms such as these. Yet still, I maintain the faith that we will continue on - we just need to be revolutionary. The ramblings of a madman, maybe. But there you go.
  18. 5 points
    Thought I'd make a message to say I'm going to become more active here again my life is still the same has it was before I took a break, but i am okay with that, I don't mind How is everyone? Hope everyone is well
  19. 5 points
    As I said to somebody just now "if you can't face adversity, you might as well be dead" because life IS adversity - it's the tax we have to pay in order to live an interesting life - and let me tell you, that all of those years of sitting around in the house wearing shaggy clothing all day to please Cunt will be paid back to you 10 fold. Believe me, you have only just started to see how ambitious and hungry you are - because as you gain even more momentum over the next couple of years, life for you will just become one big playground, and the things you're passionate about will have you bouncing around like a child the night before Christmas. (We should all aim for this) Your past will just make you grateful for your present, and will have you bursting with excitement for your future - which to me, is the definition of success. It's not about money, possessions, or even how loved you are, it's all about personal gratitude, and how internally happy you feel. Now, it's a bit of a lame term, but there is some logic to the 'law of attraction'. It's not some spiritual God-like entity, it's simply a mindset that one talks themselves into everyday. Lay down one brick everyday, and eventually you'll build a castle - it's common sense. And don't worry, I didn't exactly help by being a douche back then. You know, people seem to have this nostalgic image of me being this charming guy. Nah man, I was a sarcastic douchebag. Lol But no, I understood. Although I did think depression was solely to blame. (I had no idea).
  20. 5 points
    I have actually set aside the next 2 weeks to sort the forum out, so here's to many more years of Asperclick! Hopefully all my research and work will pay off and we'll be active again
  21. 4 points
    Hi, I'm Heather. I'm 18 years old. I've done hours upon hours of research and watching documentaries on ASD and AS. I'm certain that I fall on the spectrum. I've always known I'm different from others in some way. I have sensory issues, stims, trouble communication, bad eye contact, anxiety when things change, ect. I realized I could very possibly be on the spectrum a year in a half or so ago thanks to my endless research, which I'm still doing. I was going to be formally tested for ASD a few months back, but my family didn't have the money. I hopefully will be tested soon.
  22. 4 points
    This is something very personal and it is very sad to lose someone whom you thought was a friend and could confide and trust in Perhaps you friend felt "scared off" and doesn't know how to communicate with you any more...or trying to process what you said? Give it time and if nothing changes then yes, move on. That friend was merely superficial and not worthy of your friendship any more
  23. 4 points
    I have never been very good with friendships either. I was fortunate in school that there were girls who took the initiative to approach me and be my friend. I don't remember there being too much conflict or emotional games, though it has been many years since we were close friends and seeing each other all the time so I might just forget some of the things. Although I think we were NOT very stereotypical for a girls friend group, we were not that girly, none of us dated in high school. We haven't gotten together much in many years. Currently I don't have many friends. I count my partner as my closest friend, and would count our siblings as friends, especially our younger siblings as we have spent more time with them in the past couple years. I find it difficult to make friends at work because I get anxious to be too vulnerable around my coworkers. My coworkers are very nice and I try to let a few personal details out, but I am hesitant to be too vulnerable with them. Also I feel like I don't have enough time outside of work to spend with friends. During the weekdays after work, I eat and spend time with my partner and watch something on Netflix and go to sleep, and on the weekends I either catch up on chores or spend time with family or just relax and recover my energy. Sometimes I wish I had a closer friend group but in reality I don't think I could handle it. Like others here have said, I am an introvert and so it is exhausting to be too social and I need time alone at times. I do have a few friends I have made online over the years, although I haven't kept up with them very well but I still consider them friends for my part. There are a few people from old work places who I have considered friends while we worked together, but I haven't really ever gotten together with a coworker outside of work so I don't know we were really friends.
  24. 4 points
    Smoking. I don't necessarily mean the drugs themselves, I mean the act of inhaling substances into the lungs, because not only does it affect the person smoking, but all those around them in the same room. Smoking in public or communial spaces is one of the most selfish things a person can do. If people want to smoke, it's their business and their right to do so, but not their right to impose it on others. They should keep it to themselves and confine it to their own personal space and not that of others.
  25. 4 points
    I was a late diagnosis and I have a really supportive Mum. By the time I was diagnosed, though, my younger brother had already been diagnosed, so she was already in the full swing of being an Autism Mum ahaha Later, she married my Step Dad, and he is also really supportive.
  26. 4 points
    When it's a question directly about another person, aimed at that person, then yes, it's wrong, and rude, to answer for them. It could be that you know that information, but may have been told in confidence or out of the public eye, and to answer for them means you're sharing something which isn't rightfully yours to share. In your example, I believe I tried to steer the conversation forward and not react on a livestream, but I did think it was rude to answer for her. Age is considered private and personal, and shouldn't be given out by another person without their permission. Even if information is on the forum, it may not be something that people would willingly give to someone they don't know who is asking. It's never okay to answer for someone else, in my opinion.
  27. 4 points
    I'd say it depends. If it's some meaningless thing then that's seen as OK by some but if it's something about that person, something personal, then that's frowned upon. You can't speak for that person when it comes to how they think or how they feel about certain things… People don't like it when someone else answers for them as the answer may not be entirely right...and then because someone started saying these things "before their turn" people might start getting the wrong impression of them. Speaking before your turn is rude in general, I'd say. But there are instances where it doesn't cause irritation depending on various factors but in general it's a bad idea, I'd say.
  28. 4 points
    Being new to my diagnosis, I'm finding these forums to be utterly fascinating! I have always thought of a spectrum disorder as a single dimensional line, and one landed at a point somewhere along that line. I'm coming to realize that a spectrum disorder is very multi-dimensional; makes perfect sense in retrospect, but then doesn't everything? I'm starting to see that there are different types of anxiety: Fear anxiety Doubt anxiety Physical anxiety I guess it would be fair to say that because of the nature of not-understanding physical/mental stimuli in the same way as the NT, that doubt anxiety is greater for the NAT? Speaking from personal experience I suffer little doubt, but because of that, it tends to spiral out of control VERY quickly when I do experience it. One such example for me is language; I have always avoided travel to areas where English is not the primary or secondary language. Misunderstanding already being one of my doubt triggers, makes throwing in the mix of a different language something I avoid at all costs. Anyway, back to topic: I would have to say that travel would be one of those areas that we should specifically discuss in whatever form of therapy we pursue. I say that because I think it's a very specific area where we need to develop strategies in advance so that we face less doubt anxiety in times of high stress. Like many have said here already, learning about and taking advantage of tools like Google maps, and street-view etc. (or in my case the translation apps/resources available) is crucial in being prepared so that we are less likely to face doubt anxiety at a time of high stress. To that end, I think seeking out simulated outings where you are first paired with an observer, and then graduate to solo outings, would be a great way to help establish coping mechanisms, and to test one's preparedness.
  29. 4 points
    No-one has the right to do that. Its your body, personal rights and boundaries. You can politely decline, and have every right to do so. 'No thank you' is fine. That is so creepy
  30. 4 points
    It is flawed logic to assume that if you have many and you lose one that the pain will be less than if you have only one and lose it. Maybe this logic is better suited to something like sweets/candy. If you have lots of candy and you drop one, it's not so bad because you still have plenty left to enjoy. Pets are full of personality and losing one is not comforted by the fact you have more, because the others are all different. So, you had one like that, and you lost the only one like that. Yes you have more, but none that are like the one you lost, so it's not comparable.
  31. 4 points
    Read the latest newsletter - February 2019 Newsletter Congratulations to @Nesf for being the top contributor of the month! Congratulations to @Sanctuary for being our selected user of the month! And congratulations to @Peridot, @Pinky and his brainf and @....... for winning our pot luck draw! The above members all won a free 1 month Asperclicker subscription Congratulations to @Primeape for winning the Asperclicker giveaway!
  32. 4 points
    Positive, due to increased access to information, easy and instant communication and the work opportunities I now have. Before the days of the internet, if I wanted to research something, I would have to go to a public library and look for books. If I wanted or needed to communicate with family abroad, I would have no other choice than to phone (this used to be very expensive, especially long distance calls), or write a letter. Now I can communicate instantly and cheaply by email or via the social media. If I wanted to listen to music, to discover new music or listen to a certain song, I'd have to wait for it to be played on a radio channel, or buy it. One had no way of listening to an album in advance to see if one liked it or not and wanted to buy. Now, sites like YouTube or Bandcamp offer the possibility of listening to and discovering new music without having to buy it first. I can also watch films or documentaries online via streaming, something that just wasn't possible before the internet and creation of the World Wide Web, one had to buy or hire videos, and before that, just watch whatever was on TV or at the cinema. Also, I have access to products and services from all over the globe online, whereas before, if I needed to buy something specific or unusual, I would have to go out to find a shop that sells it. On the other hand, what you find on the internet is not necesarily of good quality or worth having, and it's becoming increasingly hard to filter out the wheat from the chaff. To find one decent piece of music, I have to go through another 10 or bad or mediocre quality. To find one useful or relevant article, I need to read another 15 articles. There's a lot of good stuff, but there's also a huge amount of trivia and disinformation. Having the internet does not not necessarily mean that one is better informed, more knowledgeable or educated. I believe that the internet has lead to a more liberal society, more choice, more exposure to new ideas, but also more public access means everything has a tendency to be brought down to the lowest common denominator, hence the huge amount of banal trivia floating around. The internet is a tool that can be used for good or for bad, and what you get out of it depends on how you are going to use it. The internet gives access to anything you could possibly want, but also everything you could possibly not want, including its misuse by criminals, cooperations and governments.
  33. 4 points
    Yes, and I've always felt that way. I can't connect and tap into a friend group, and I don't fit in. It's like I'm behind a glass wall. People connect by sharing emotions. When they talk, they aren't just communicating in words, but also in emotions, and they use both verbal and non-verbal language to do so. I'm receptive only the the words and get little of this emotional to and fro, so for me, It's just like watching TV.
  34. 4 points
    I used to be into jigsaw puzzles too. I never really got a chance to do them until around age 24. I'm actually really good at them and enjoy it too. I've done some with a lot of pieces. I glue finished pieces into poster paper. I have no idea what's the right way to keepsake them. Some made for great pictures to hang. I moved and some got ruined (I think I'll tape and glue the pieces if I do another one) but I think I still have one that looks really good. My current hobby is drawing and watching videos. I've actually gotten really good at drawing, even though I've never taken any art classes.
  35. 4 points
    Ive also had my eye on one of these lamps. I put a scarf over my lampshade at night because I prefer some soft light, and these look beautiful. There are also serval kind of moon lamps that look amazing Also, noise-cancelling headphones are a lifesaver. I listen to podcasts, audiobooks, or soothing sounds while out.
  36. 4 points
    Before and After:
  37. 4 points
    Thanks for your nomination RiRi. There are wide variations in how ASD manifests itself among males just as it does among females and I'm going to generalise and speculate to some degree. I think the variations where they occur are more a reflection of how males and females are socialised rather than autism affecting males differently to females per se. I think the characteristics of autism are often more evident in adult males. It's often suggested that females with ASD are more likely to try to mimic the behaviour patterns of neurotypical females and this can lead to their ASD being less evident in public. Males seem less likely to do this and more likely to follow a clearly autistic path. In our societies females are encouraged more from a young age to be sociable and generally develop links with friends and family; there is less of this pressure generally on males. In adulthood I feel that autistic males are much more likely than autistic females to lead fairly solitary lifestyles. this solitary lifestyle may also lead to autistic characteristics becoming intensified as social contact tends to "normalise" behaviour (I'm not saying "normalising" is necessarily positive). Autistic men may also be much less likely to discuss their situation or seek support. This is more to do with males being encouraged to be "strong" and "self-reliant". This can be problematic as they may struggle to deal with difficulties in their lives and could result in autistic men being at more risk of breakdown of some kind. They could (and this is largely conjecture) be more at risk of aggressive words or behaviour either directed at others or at themselves but I should stress this is more about how males are socialised in general than a reflection of autism. Among adults of both sexes there are probably still high levels of non-diagnosis. Among women this is likely to be due to their efforts at "masking" autism but among men it may be more to do with their reluctance to seek support, especially engaging with health services. Other aspects of autism may be gender-patterned in adult life such as specialised interests which may build on more broadly male interests, e.g. in science, technology and sport.
  38. 4 points
    So I find coffee shops to be pretty stressful places to be, but I do enjoy coffee so I tend to put up with it - and I have a few favourite places that tend to be a bit quieter. I think a lot of people on the spectrum find coffee shops to be stressful - they're loud, busy and there's lots of strong smells, people talking, interactions needed to order things, etc. But, in the Asperclicker's video chat a few days ago, @Rhys said he finds coffee shops a relaxing place to be, and we were all a bit shocked - I guess I never really contemplated that, for an NT person, it's a nice environment to chill out in. The idea seems so ridiculous to me that I never even thought about it! But he pointed out that friends meet there for a chat, people go and work on their books, work related stuff, having meetings there...so it must be true haha. This is also playing on my mind more because I'm meeting a couple in a coffee shop to discuss their wedding photography this weekend. But I was able to pick my favourite coffee shop so hopefully it will be okay!
  39. 4 points
    Cats are such wonderful, stylish and funny creatures. I love watching them and they always bring a smile to my face.
  40. 4 points
    I find coffee shops stressful but I still like to go once in a while under certain conditions. I have to feel up to it on the day, only go alone, with a book, to a quiet one on a weekday and it has to have a wall-facing/corner seat. Like this, I can enjoy them, it feels like getting human contact. Other than the supermarket once a week/fortnight, and library trips, this is basically my only social interaction (no family, partner, friends etc.. in my life), which sounds abnormal but its really fine - I just do need to be around humans once in a while - and I have to interact to place an order anyway. I cant hold a proper/longer/unplanned conversation with that noise but I can focus it out, while enjoying a decaf soy latte, and the change in scenery can be nice. It makes me feel more normal.
  41. 4 points
    Hi everyone! I hope you’re all enjoying the new changes and features, I’m certainly a lot happier with how things are here and feel excited about the forum again, and enjoy being here and posting! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their continued support, some of you have been here from the start and are still posting, which is amazing! Regular posters are a huge part of a successful community, so thank you for being here. I hope Asperclick has been a positive part of your life, and can continue to be such as we move into the future. I understand that some of the limitations have been an issue for some members, which I do apologize for, but I couldn’t keep facilitating unlimited amounts of data - be it with picture uploads, unused accounts or PM inboxes, because after 6 years it was really stacking up and I’d already had to upgrade my hosting plan once to accommodate everything. So to save on costs, I limited things and it made sense for the subscribers to be entitled to unlimited storage since that money can help fund the forum, and if enough people subscribe we could afford the upgraded hosting fees. I know that it seems unfair for there to suddenly be a subscriber option that costs money, but the forum is still free to use with almost all the capability that you’ve had for the last 6 years. I’m never going to make it a paid only site, and with the current subscribers we have so far, I’ll hopefully never have to close it down either. With all of that said, I am posting to ask for your feedback now that the bulk of the changes have been live for almost a week. What do you like? What don’t you like? Do you feel something is unfair? (If so, what would help justify it to you?) I don’t want anyone feeling annoyed with me so if I can explain something to you to help you understand, please let me know, in a polite way!
  42. 4 points
    I agree with @Willow and @Nesf about making a list. I remember when I got overwhelmed at university, it was so helpful to make a list of everything I had to do and break it down into when things are due and assess the priority level of each item and then assign something to each of you for each week or each part of the project. When I did a group project at university, it was really helpful to have a shared 'google document' where we could work together from our own homes. We still had to sometimes get together outside of class to work on aspects of the project, depending on the particular project.
  43. 4 points
    Hello, I'm a French 21 woman, so forgive me for my bad english. I joined this forum because I have suspect myself to be asperger, but I don't know, and I don't know how to know it or not. For the moment I don't have any money and I don't want to talk about that to my family, so I prefer to stay away from professional consulting for the moment : also because I would like to first figure out on my own if I might be asperger or not. I love watching documentaries about people's life, and when it came to a documentary about autism, it made me remember some of my childhood behaviours, so I started to have a look on youtube channels about autism, and conferences. I recognized myself very stongly in the female asperger syndrom, but not totally, also a little bit on the male one. What I mean about that is that I really struggle with my social life, and I used to have nearly no sical life, like if my classmates did not even exist. Then I started to be preoccupied and stressed about that when it became dangerous for me : when I started to be bullied. I don't have specially a routine, neither an obssessive hobby. I have a lot of different important hobbies but I'm not obssessed about a single thing, so it's difficult for me to figure out if yes or no I might be asperger. And what it make it even harder is that I have no problem with empathy or imagination, I can't watch people in the eyes but I still understand more or less what they are feeling. I never intended to be strange or whatever, but people around me, of all ages, all kinf of relationships (people who hates or liked me, or teachers, family) kept saying to me I'm odd, or original, or strange, through all my life. I also have some struggles with sensory overload, auto-stimulation etc, I did several metldown when I was really tired in class, or stressed. But when I'm doing well I just look like normal you know ? I start to act weird only when I'm tired or anxious, or drunk. (or when I was a child), but now, I just look like normal that's why I really struggle to know if I'm asperger or not, it's like if I was half asperger half normal, and the reason why might be the adaptation and constant control of myself, but I don't even notice it in my everyday life. I don't know if it could have any impact but I also am "very gifted" person even if I don't like the term, so it's even harder for me to distinguish what could belongs to high IQ, and what belongs to potential autism ? I just recongize myself more in the autistic side than in the highly gifted one. Thank you for reading !
  44. 4 points
    I've tried to take all your comments so far into consideration, and so far I have: General Discussion (pop culture, current affairs, chit chat & games) Motivational Meadow (personal goals & progress blogs) Moot Points (debates on politics, religion etc.) And the relevant posts from all the existing forums would be moved accordingly.
  45. 4 points
    I’d also like to echo what Sofi said and thank you for not taking the easy way out and shutting this place down during the dark times. Given the trauma association it must have had, I can’t say for sure that I would have done the same in your position. Most other forums are dead or dying, mainstream social media is a toxic cesspit of abuse and misinformation, and the Internet has become an increasingly negative aspect of life with fewer and fewer redeeming qualities. It’s almost crazy that Asperclick still exists, is still a mainly positive place, and still feels like it could have a future. Even when it was pretty much deserted, it was still comforting to know that one of the long-time regulars would eventually check in and respond. It’s meant a lot to so many people over the years. Long may it continue.
  46. 4 points
    For me, you don't need explain or justify yourself and I don't think you need to apologise to anyone. But if that's what you wanted/needed to do for yourself, that's fine I'll always support you no matter what, I think that's the same for most people here. I'm just glad all of that is over now and you're happy. I'm glad you feel able to continue with the forum too. I think it'd be easy to just drop the forum as it might have had bad associations from that time in your life. I think it was unlucky that you & I were both having really bad times at the same time and I think they sometimes crossed (I feel like apologising too sometimes), but I'm just happy we're both doing so much better xxx
  47. 4 points
    I'm just at in bed with candles lit, tweaking the forum and thinking of things to do for the week
  48. 4 points
    You NEED to be happy on your own before you can commit to a relationship. You can’t place your happiness in another person, because then if they leave, so does your happiness.
  49. 4 points
    Hello guys, My name is Martin. I am a 30 year old Aspie man. 5ft 9in. Around 80kg. I am a web developer and former IT technician. I found out about Asperclick through eBay (of all the places) when I bought an awareness card and ended up getting some wristbands. Hope to learn a lot and get to know you lot and hopefully make some friends! Thanks for letting me in. In solidarity, Martin.
  50. 4 points
    The chief problem with these gibberish posts is the impression they give of the site to readers, especially potential, new or returning members. We are not getting many new posts so it can be frustrating to someone checking in to see that one of the few new posts is just some random letters - it just gives people more reason not to come back, or not come back for a while. These posts / threads do need to be promptly deleted. If anyone really wants to write some gibberish / random characters then just typing them in to a specific document on their computer is much better than posting them on a public site.

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