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  1. Hi I’m 45 year, male, and for the past few years have suspected that “something is not quite right” with me. Sorry if that offends, I honestly don’t know how best to put it. I don’t know if I have Asperger’s or not, but the more I hear about it, the more the pieces seemed to fit. So I thought I’d throw this out there to the community to see what people think. I wouldn’t say I’m shy, but I’m not great socially. I don’t struggle to strike up a rapport with people, but it’s usually based on me hiding behind humor and quickly fizzles, and after that I really find it hard going to keep conversation or even think of things to say. Social events can go one of three ways; 1. Anxiety kicks in before the event and I pull out. 2. I make myself go, but end up retreating into myself and leave early. 3. I go, have a great time, but you won’t find me on the dance floor or instigating conversation. Not a hope. I can sometimes form very deep emotional connections with people around me (work colleagues, friends etc) with whom I feel I have shared similar life experiences. Those people are generally unaware of my strength of feeling toward them. I always overthink and analyse stuff, to a point where I starting picking up on subtleties that aren’t there, start making assumptions (that seem very real and plausible to me) and then over-complicate things by trying to fix issues that were never there in the first place. This causes me great anxiety and a feeling of being tangled in my own web, which gets worse the more I try to fight my way out. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I often under- and over-empathize: sometimes situations where I should feel sad, I feel very little. Other times (usually with those I have formed a deep emotional connection with) I empathize to a point of becoming overwhelmed with feelings of heartbreak. More often than not it’s one extreme or the other. I’m very introspective and self-critical. I’m very critical of my own work/actions and that of others. I have an acute sense of loyalty and honor, and find it very hard to forgive if my trust is betrayed. I regularly put my foot in it by saying something offensive without realizing it – and am genuinely mortified if someone is offended – and then want to fix it (and end up making matters worse!). Seasonal times where expectations of happiness are high (i.e. Christmas) tend to get me down. Even something as benign as shopping for cards or hearing a Christmas song can trigger a bout of depression. The only melt-downs I've experience are triggered by my own tangled web-weaving, and are I wouldn't describe them as melt-downs. The only way I can get out of the resulting deep funk is by me "rebooting" i.e. going to sleep. 9 times out of 10 I wake up "fixed". I could go on. There’s probably lots of obvious stuff I’ve forgotten to mention, but I’ll leave it for now. I’ve done the online Asperger’s test several times (I leave it a good long while between so that I forget what I’ve previously answered) and always come out right on the borderline. Does any of this ring any bells with anyone? Thanks!
  2. blacktiger911

    is suicide wrong?

    is suicide really wrong or do we just tell people that. if someone is truly suffering then wouldent it be a good thing? to finally stop suffering and being tourchered in your own head? when the emotional pain becomes physical.
  3. One of our members has suicidal depression and can't get to a therapist on weekdays, nor find one who works on weekends.
  4. Sometimes I just wish I could be someone else, because nothing about being me seems right. I'm alright at some of my hobbies and I find ways to pass the time, but I just always go back to feeling sorry for myself. People find me annoying or uninteresting, I feel like I can never do anything right, I'm too stupid to follow any of my interests, I can't get a boyfriend, I pretty much suck at almost everything that actually interests me, and on top of that there are all of these different people I would so wish to be like but I'm stuck being me, and no matter how much I try to act like them, I can never stop being me. In all honesty, I really don't know what I'm supposed to do right now.
  5. StarlessEclipse

    Missing Depression

    This is admittedly a very strange (and possibly even offensive) topic, but I'm interested to see if anyone here can relate to my experiences. From late 2011 to mid-2014 I was severely depressed, as anyone who remembers my early days on this forum will know all too well. I was inconsolably miserable every single day, my capacity to see the beauty in our world was close to non-existent, I was perpetually anxious to the extent that I'd vomit almost every morning, and a truly apocalyptic sense of doom was rarely far away. The bad times began after losing the family member I counted as my only true friend and this was compounded by the daily isolation, harassment and suffocating lack of freedom I experienced at secondary school. It’s hard to put into words just how terrible I felt back then. It was like being transported to another planet, and that's no exaggeration. Descriptors like "bad", "terrible" and "miserable" are too pedestrian and mundane to be of any use in conveying the reality of what it was like to live through that period. I went through a bit of an unpleasant time towards the end of last year, but it was nothing compared to that era, especially 2012 which was by far the darkest year of my life. Now here comes the bizarre, inexplicable part: sometimes I actually miss those days. I honestly do. When I was living that horrible existence, I felt all emotions very intensely. I had an emotional centre, a concrete sense of identity that I seem to have lost since then. It may have been a deeply unpleasant one, but I had a very strong sense of who I was and that is comforting on some level. It’s like I allowed the depression to become the dominant facet of my personality. Without it, I have often felt directionless and emotionally hollow. I now find it much harder to stay in touch with my emotions and not retreat into solely intellectual obsessions. I felt an immense empathy and rapport with anyone who’s existence was filled with suffering. I made some special bonds with people for that reason – bonds I have struggled to maintain in the years since. The simple, unified view of the world depression brought was kind of like being an infant again, albeit with negativity being the unifying theme rather than happiness and intrigue. If everything is sh*t, everything is predictable, and Aspies naturally crave predictability. If everything is sh*t, everything is simple with no nuance demanding my analysis, which in some ways makes life easier for a compulsive thinker such as myself. Another thing - when I was depressed (most of all in the dark days of 2012), it was without a doubt the creative and imaginative peak of my life. Some of the disturbing sci-fi fantasies and characters that I concocted as a coping mechanism were fucking brilliant. In particular, I had a steampunk-influenced apocalyptic fantasy related to autism, the meaning of friendship, sexuality, genocide, war, a tyrannical yet tragic Hitleresque cyborg into whom I poured everything I hated about myself, a ton of intriguing moral dilemmas and so much more. I’m probably doing an absolutely terrible job of describing it here, but it was a very good story that I really think some folks would like to read, and it was one of many. I’d never be able to come up with something like that now, and it just happened automatically back then. Since losing my perpetually heartbroken, pessimistic and angsty outlook on life, that amazing wellspring of creativity has all but dried up. I’ve become too boring and middle-of-the-road. I don’t want to go back to that time. Frankly, I don’t know how much longer I could have lasted in that state without doing something profoundly dangerous to myself. But crazy as it may seem, I do miss certain aspects of how life was back then, and I have yet to find satisfying and constructive alternatives to that perverse kind of fulfilment. I hope I have explained myself clearly. Please tell me if I haven’t.
  6. Lately, I had been doing drastic things to myself. Like dying my hairs different colors, even cutting a fringe, but I've ran out of things I can do at home that are drastic. I could cut my hair right now, but I know I will later regret it. What can I do to myself that doesn't include cutting myself with a knife or something like that. I scratched myself yesterday, to the point where you could see the scratches bumps up my skin. They were a bit painful yesterday, but it helped cope with the mental pain I was experiencing. The scratches are gone now, only one was severe enough to stay I guess. But I need advice, I don't know what else to do. I feel like a reason why I have been doing these things like changing my hair is to sort of cope with depression. I feel like I'm the only thing I have control over in my life right now. It brings me some sort of relief when I do these things. I don't know what else to do. I feel the urge to do something drastic, but I don't know what.
  7. I've had trouble with depression in the past, which some of you may remember me posting about. It was under control for quite a while. I thought it was even cured somewhat. I would have fun playing video games and was enjoying life again and lately my joy of life has been slowly fading. Nearly every day I've been having meltdowns and crying at least once a day. I'm dating now and the simplest fight will cause me to break down and fear abandonment. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time before my girlfriend leaves me and I'll be alone again. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety and panic. I was having trouble coping with life even before I started dating, but my recent relationship fears have made my life much more painful. I'm at a loss for what to do. I love my girlfriend very much, but I feel as though my fears make me a bad partner and all of my relationships are bound to fail. I'm scared and this fear is consuming me. I don't know how much more I can take. I've had an urge to self-harm again which is something I haven't done in years. I've thankfully been able to not do that, but it's getting harder to suppress my urges. It's also hard because I don't really have any healthy ways to cope.
  8. hawkasweapon

    suffering at work

    I am suffering at work. My medication buproprion is not working well and i feel fatigued.this is bad news becuase my job requires fast paced work and often strenous work. i have to push my self to get through. I want to find a different job becuase of this but also becuase people dont like me their.its not so toxic but i think its going to get worse.the problem is that when they hired me they wanted like a one year commitment.i dont think i signed my life away but im not sure.should i try to just fix my meds and push through this year or try to find another job
  9. hawkasweapon

    Not sure if i can endure life

    I have found antidepressants that work for me .i have renewed interest in topics and dont feel the urge to lay down all the time.the problem is that not much has changed and my ability too change circumstances fails and those failures make me less hopeful.now im becomeing more reluctant.ive seeked help from therapy and i know it might take time to get to where i want to be but time seems to where me down.i dont think we can wade through life without consequence.to go into hibernation and return when its better.what do you think
  10. Little Pink Coupe

    Impulsively buying stuffed animals?

    I know this sounds really weird, but does anyone else buy stuffed animals on impulse, especially those that are in thrift shops and flea markets that look all lonely, bedraggled, abandoned and out of place? I tend to buy stuffed animals such as the ones I just described because I feel bad for them, and sort of relate to them, in a way. I see them and think, "Oh, look, it's a stuffed animal....he/she looks just as lonely/unloved/unwanted/fed up with life as I feel; I'll go ahead and give him/her a home." What makes this "weird" though, is that when I encounter a real human being I get such vibes from, I can empathize with them, but don't necessarily "allow" myself to empathize to the extent that I get as attached to the human being as I would to a stuffed animal. Human beings always go away or hurt you somehow, eventually. It's not necessarily a negative thing, tho, since the stuffed animals usually aren't expensive and the ones I don't "click" with I refurbish and donate to children's charities or give them to my friend who's mom is a teacher - her mom then gives them to the kids she teaches (usually at-risk kids living at or below the poverty level). Can anyone else relate to this?
  11. aspiesw

    Symptoms Of Depression

    I think I may be depressed, what are some symptoms of depression?
  12. Does anyone else - when they're having a meltdown or a panic attack or are just crying really hard - feel that the insides of their chests feel unusual - almost as if someone's taken ahold of your lungs and is shaking them up and down and not letting you breathe normally? I've felt that way recently when I've been sad and crying a lot....and it was really bad when I had a bad panic attack a few months ago. It got to where I went from whimpering and sobbing to just making this high-pitched "zebra-like" noise, like "Wuh...wuh....wuh...wuuuhh...." It took me a really long time to be able to calm down and breathe properly, and I knew those two things were pretty much mutually exclusive...that is, I couldn't calm down until I was able to take long, deep breaths. My psychiatrist said it was hyperventilation. What I want to know is, has anyone else had any experience with this?
  13. Its my time of the year to be depressed again. I get depressed every year (no joke), it's usually due to the same things... Uni, hiding secrets, relationship with family. But it's actually got nothing to do with either of them. I left Uni last year, and towards the end of the course, I began to withdraw from the whole course a bit, and focused on my part time job in retail and getting a permanent job in Web Design. A few of the habits I inherited towards the end of Uni have stuck with me till now, which adds to my depression and my bad feeling, most days I spend in bed until 1/2pm and I'm often on my iPad on social media a lot, two things I really want to change, but don't seem to know how to (I know the straight forward answers are obvious, but unfortunately it's a lot harder than that in reality). I've still got my part time job in retail, which is good I suppose, I'm currently on 16 hours a week, hoping to move up to 25 very soon, this part time job very nearly turned into a full time job with prospects of gaining a promotion, luckily I saw the light and decided that full time work in retail just wasn't me, also, at this point I was feeling pretty crappy, so if anything, working longer hours would make me feel even worse, the main reason I decided not to go full time, is because retail isn't what I want to do with my life, I still have aspirations to become a web designer. I very nearly gave up on this career aspiration, as I wasn't getting anywhere However, my failings in getting a job in this industry are really demotivating, the past month I must have applied for over 10 jobs, with no luck whatsoever. Working part time leaves me with a lot of time, which I have to fill, which is often a task I don't enjoy, I used to go to Cardiff for days to see my boyfriend when I wasn't working, but we broke up in November (I'm still getting over him, which is an entirely different story), sometimes I just stay at home and relax, which means staying on my iPad and in bed, which makes me feel like shit. I'm currently working on my own side projects in web design, based on designs I actually want to design, which I hope improves my credentials for a job, and if I get to June and the situation hasn't changed, I'll go freelance (getting clients is a lot easier than I thought), even this will take a lot of motivation, which I just don't have at the moment, the fact that I didn't decide to do this as soon as I finished Uni is really getting me down, cause I feel like I've lost so much time. The fact that I'm not working full time, which would be the conventional thing for graduates to do after failing to find a full time job is really getting me down, apart from the 16+ hours I do at work, my life feels pointless, it doesn't seem like my situation will ever change. I feel really lonely, I feel like for most of 2014, I had that one person I could tell about my entire life, whether it was my best friend or my ex, however, neither of them are really involved in my life anymore, it just feels like it's me by myself, even though I have several friends. I'm doing CBT and taking antidepressants (which surprisingly aren't helping at all), to try to help, but I can't seem to shake this feeling. I'm hoping CBT can deal with my low mood, hopefully make me more social, so I can go out, make friends, be more social, and just enjoy life more, because at the moment it's pointless, everything seems pointless, I don't know what to do with myself. I just feel like it would be so easy to give up on life, because whether I go full time at work or not, my life isn't really going anywhere at the moment. There's only so many times you can look at the same blue wallpaper every single late afternoon while lying in bed without hating yourself. I don't really know what question I'm asking, how I want people to help, whether I just want people to listen, I just need to get this out, I doubt it will ever improve, but at least I've said it.
  14. Little Pink Coupe

    New hoodie

    Does anyone have a favorite article of clothing (such as a hat, a scarf, or in my case, a hoodie) as a comfort item? If you do, have you ever had someone close to you suggest that you either replace it with a new one, or offer to get one for you for Christmas or your birthday? If yes, how did you react? The reason why I ask is because my stepmom told me that she was getting me a new hoodie for Christmas, to replace the one I always wear. My favorite hoodie was given to me by my favorite aunt, is lime green, and has the lettering "University of Minnesota" on it. It has knots in the drawstrings and holes in the sleeve cuffs that I've "stimmed into" it over the years. My aunt gave it to me in about 2010, and it's been my favorite one since then. It's special to me since my aunt gave it to me, and because it's nice and loose-fitting, and has a big pocket in the front that I can fit stim/fidget toys, my MP3 player, and a small plushie into. It was as if my aunt knew exactly what I needed to feel safe when she was picking it out for me. It also feels nice both inside and out. I was airsick one time on a plane and felt better when I cuddled it against my face, and the inner fabric has a nice, comfortable "nappy" feeling against my skin, rather than feeling all soft and ticklish on the inside, like jellyfish or eels rubbing against my skin. Best of all, wearing it just makes me feel safe...I like to pretend it's my aunt hugging me when I wear it. My stepmom's letting me pick out the new one myself, if I want to, and even I realize at this point that my hoodie is so full of holes, runs and stains from my various adventures that I'm beginning to look like a hobo in it, but it's still going to be an adjustment. I still plan to keep my old hoodie, even if I do get a new one. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. Happy Holidays.
  15. Julia

    Hi! My name is Julia

    I am so happy i found this forum. Here is a little history about me My mom, ever since i was little, thought i was mentally different and on the autism spectrum. When i was seven i was diagnosed with adhd and dyslexia ( so please excuse my spelling errors,) But ever since i was 7/8 i have been on a steep hill down with my depression. By 13, well, i was so depressed i cant even remember that year. That was also the last partial year of "normal" school i did, due to bullying, I moved, and was instantly diagnosed at 14 with depression, Severe OCD and anxiety. Things were going better. I was off track in school, but i was a little happier. The next couple years passed, and my mental doctors, psychiatrist and therapist, Soon werent helping at all. I started having manic breakdowns and suicidel thoughts. They just kept getting worse and worse, and earlier this year, i was admitted to the hospital for overdose. That is where, at 18 , i was diagnosed with Aspergers. I have gotten worse since i got out, but i also got a job. A job which i left earlier today due to my second breakdown over it. I regret it, but i dont feel it is good for me anymore. Anyway, there is my story. Happy holidays
  16. quiggyy

    Hey

    Hello, i found out about this forum today after seeing some of Willow's videos while feeding my casual obsession for knowledge about aspergers. Now for a fraction of a life story i suppose, i found out about aspergers a few weeks ago when my mother mentioned that "they", likely meaning her and my grand mother or her and some government mental health types, figured out that i have aspergers while i was still a toddler, though until now i had no idea, i was raised mostly like a "normal", bad word i know but people understand what it means, child/teenager, which as some might guess led to me often wondering what was wrong with me and thinking that i was insane or extremely stupid, sometimes both, at one point i thought i was a sociopath, if that is a good example of how screwed up i was, and that was just last year that i thought that, i have blocked massive portions of my past out just so that i could cope to a tiny extent, enough about that though, people seem to be rarely interested in others problems unless it is for the purpose of giving sympathy so that others opinions of them are raised, well that and drama/gosip, not that i blame anyone for that, it is the NT thing to do and you cannot really hate people for doing what is in their nature to do. Onwards, once i found out that i likely have aspergers i decided to start researching it, i had done a few of the online tests like the psychcentral autism/asperger quiz and got high results(high meaning more likely to have aspergers), but since i get high results on most of their mental disorder quizzes and a lot of the other websites with checklists and such did not really match up(why do they all say that aspies do not feel emotion? ) i figured that it was just another dud, but after i went back and started researching again in the past two or three weeks i found that everything matched up when i looked at what people with aspergers had to say in places like reddit/aspergers and wrongplanet, i have not tried talking with anyone about it yet but i felt the urge when i saw this forum, could be the friendly atmosphere and calming website design, who knows, so here i am hoping to learn more and maybe figure out some ways to fix the damage that has been done to my life by my aspergers and others ignorance/apathy. By the way, i had fun with the topic tags, no need to get too bothered by them, unless bothered is fun, also the registration question that can be my sig is great, i love that it allowed the answer to be 0.
  17. Little Pink Coupe

    Really bad meltdown

    I had a really awful meltdown a few days ago - I think it was on Wednesday. My day really started to suck all of a sudden, and when I got back to my room, I posted about it in the ranting section of another autism/Asperger forum I'm a part of, and then the meltdown started. I started rocking back and forth, slowly at first, then faster and faster. Then I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably...I just couldn't stop. I also wasn't getting enough air, and was making these peculiar "barking" gasping noises like "Wuh, wuh, wuh wuh..." Rather the way a zebra sounds. My arms and hands also felt tingly, numb and vibrate-y, as well as my face and the back of my head. This is also really embarrassing, but I was so desperate to get some oxygen, I started sucking my thumb a little bit, and it helped a little bit....I actually felt a little bit comforted, and I was able to slow down my breathing to where I could take semi-decent breaths. Then I stopped right away, since I don't want it to become a habit...I haven't sucked my thumb in years, and I never will again, I promise. I also remember really wanting someone to be there to comfort me and tell me that I was okay, and that everything would be okay....but at the same time, I was also grateful no one was there to see me like that. I work so hard to at least appear normal to everyone, even to my own family....I don't want to be sent back to a place that's anything like Sarah's Smile in Pennsylvania again. My roommate was at her house an hour away when all this happened, which I was happy about....I probably would have scared her to death. All I had then were my stuffed animals. I really love them a lot; they're like my only friends....they're the only ones that have never hurt me, left me, betrayed me or disappointed me in any way. I'll probably always be alone and only have them for company ever. Everyone I like and feel safe with always goes away eventually. I've also been thinking about killing myself a lot....I'm almost done with college, but I have this math-related learning disability and I'll never pass the class I'm in now, and going to the tutoring center makes me panic....besides, if I'm not good at math I'll probably never get a good job. If I'd had a gun in my room on Wednesday I'd probably have just blown myself away that very night. I just don't see a future for myself. I even bought a little notebook for me to write ideas about killing myself in, and all the reasons why I should do it - and let me tell you, there's a lot...I've just been too lazy to write everything down yet. Thank you for reading this, for those of you who have. I feel really safe here on Asperclick...everyone's so nice.
  18. Auletes

    Depression

    Depression. This is something frequently mentioned here but I didn't find a threat where it is discussed on its own, so I thought I'd start one. I know there are seperate forums specially for those suffering from depression, but to be honest it makes me rather more depressived reading all sad (depressed) stories there. If you know what I mean. As you can imagine, I wouldn't be interested in depressions if I they didn't affect me. I was diagnosed to have major depression about a month ago, but I was told must have I've had them probably for a way longer time. The reason why the diagnosis wasn't made earler is that the doctor said it's difficult to tell "normal exhaustion" (as aspie I get there quite quickly) and depression apart. My first question is: Do you have a method to tell depression and "normal exhaustion" apart? Uni started again and I know I need enough recovery time from that. If I have the feeling "I can't anymore, I don't want anymore" and it's because of the depression, the worst I can do is lying down, take a break. I find it much more helpfull to get active. But I can't keep active all the time, I need recoverytime as well. It makes me very uncomfortable not knowing what to do to get myself better. As I undertstand it, depression just makes you feel very exhausted and "can't anymore" when actually you wouldn't need recovery time? I hope I made myself clear=) Any other thoughts/experiences about depressions are highly appreciated.
  19. Little Pink Coupe

    What are your coping items?

    Does anyone have coping items that they take around with them to help them stay comfortable and safe in situations that are difficult for them to feel comfortable and safe in? These can also be items that provide with positive sensory input, or just serve as protectors and companions. Here are my coping items: There are my plush ones. I have many stuffed animals and plushies, but these are the smaller ones that I take around with me in my bag, who make me feel "okay" during the day. Dory (the dolphin) is my favorite (and oldest one) and she has an official button to show it: And these are my non-plush coping items: (The book is there so Judith (the Wild Thing) won't fall over.) I also have a keychain of Grumpy the dwarf attached to my keys (not pictured) - he has a fluffy beard I like to stroke. Does anyone else have special items that help them feel safe, comfortable, and less lonely?
  20. Ok, so I'm about to open up about my issues, that I never tell anyone. So I haven't seen my little brother for 2 years, he lives with his mom (we have the same dad) and I've been trying to see him for the last few months, through my dad, who doesn't live with him, who keeps saying "I'm speaking to his mom about it, I'll get back to you" which he never does, so I have to keep chasing him, he lives with my little sister as well, who I see occasionally, but I have to keep chasing him and it feels pointless. I'm going into my final month at Uni, my Dissertation's a mess, my grades are dropping, my workload keeps piling up, I'm beginning to doubt whether my career path is the right one, I'm studying web design, but I want to be a train/bus driver, because that's what I'm passionate about, I'm starting to realise I'm gonna be bored out of my brain when I leave. My friends, in that no-one knows about my love for trains and buses, it's something I've kept quiet my whole life, and no-one really knows, that's why I go all the way to Manchester, so I can be myself without being spotted, I feel so pathetic. I'm a transvetite, more secrets in my ever growing closet, I get the urge to crossdress every now and again, but once again, no-one knows, so I can't really do that, instead I suppress it in certain ways, so much so that I think I'm becoming a sex addict. I only do (contracted) 8 hours of work a week, and soon I won't have student finance to help me out or Uni to go to, do I'm gonna be really bored and just feel as depressed as I do now. I could literally go downstairs and grab a knife and start cutting, but I simply don't have the courage, the only reason I haven't done anything drastic is because of my mom, I couldn't bare the thought of hurting her, but I need help and fast. I have Uni in a couple hours, I've never felt this depressed, I'm not really sure what to do, I'm scared of doing something stupid
  21. Kuribo [old account]

    Saw my Grandmother Yesterday...

    For the first time in quite a while, I went with my dad to visit my grandmother yesterday. She and I have both been depressed since 2011 when her husband, my grandad who was also my best friend died of heart disease. Since then, I've continued to stay with her on Fridays to help her out and keep her company. Earlier this year, she was prescribed anti-depressants and they seemed to have a great effect on her, but for some reason, she started refusing to take them and started to go downhill again. She is a very sad, tortured old lady. She was diagnosed with spondylosis a few years ago, and for over ten years now, she's had to tolerate headaches, sickness, dizziness, and a constant, never-ending ringing sound in her ears. My grandad looked after her throughout these years, and she really needed it. She couldn't walk out very far because of the chance that she'd faint, so his ability to drive her around was her only way of travelling anywhere. Since he died, she has fought through it and continued to take care of herself, clean the house, cook, etc. In summer, she started to refuse when I offered to visit her more and more until the Friday arrangement eventually stopped altogether. I've visited her a few times since then and she's seemed progressively more bitter and tired. Having seen her again yesterday, she's far worse than I imagined. She 's completely lost the will to take care of herself or her surroundings. She hasn't gotten dressed in a long time, she's stopped cooking, cleaning, or even remembering to eat. She was always very physically strong, but she looks very frail, unhealthily thin, and weak now. My dad and my aunt have been trying to help her, but it's becoming more and more difficult. And my aunt hasn't been anywhere near as committed as she should've been. So we turned to social services to provide two helpers to motivate her, check up on her, and keep her company. And for a while, they did. They were both very nice, understanding people who got on well with her. However, she is somewhat physically capable of accomplishing tasks at certain times, even though bending down causes her to feel dizzy and she now needs to have stools positioned around the house and a walking stick. So naturally, social services answer to this is FUCK YOU! All support was cancelled because she is somewhat PHYSICALLY capable of certain tasks, even though motivation was one of the main reasons this was put in place. "She's doing fine" they said. Yeah, she is. If my dad hadn't quickly cooked her something to microwave before we left, she probably wouldn't have eaten anything. She's gone from being physically-strong and reasonably independent to so frail she needs stools and a walking stick for basic mobility. She's gone from putting an effort into her appearance to not getting dressed in three months. Her dishes and cutlery have been so bad that she is physically sick because of it. She sighs and tries desperately to stop herself from crying at any breaks in conversation. So yeah, SHE'S FUCKING FINE. I am disgusted by the failure of this country's social services department to take care of vulnerable people in society. Services related to mental illness are an utter joke too. We've been trying to organise therapy for my depression and anxiety since September, and we've had to wait until February for so much as an introductory appointment, and by then, there's a strong possibility of it being cancelled due to practice exams, and I have no idea how long it'll be then. I've heard from many young adults that CAMHS were totally useless for them anyway, with an anorexic girl being patronised, discouraged from going to university and told to get a small job instead, and even being told to "buck up her ideas". The entire system is such a monumental failure.
  22. Kuribo [old account]

    How to Feel Positive/Motivated

    I won't bore you with a long explanation of why I'm depressed, as I've already done so many times before. I am at a complete and utter loss. I have no idea what to do. I lack the motivation do do some of the most basic things in life. Being at school all day tires me to the extent that I feel the need to sleep as soon as I get home and I'm so mentally exhausted that I struggle to recall basic general knowledge facts. I find even speaking to my parents very difficult and it seems like such a huge effort. My sister who is also Autistic. She sensitive and difficult to communicate with a lot of the time, and I try my best to help her, but I just can't even work up the motivation to speak to her during school terms. Yes, the solution is planned. Yes, it is a mere 24 weeks away. But I'm tired of playing the waiting game and I need to do something to feel somewhat better now. I have another meeting on Monday about extra accommodations in school, but I can't ever feel relaxed and happy at home because of how stressful I find school. Damn, I've rambled a lot more than I intended to, so here is my simple question: How can one minimise the effects of depression, think positively and stay motivated to do things in life? Thank you.
  23. DavideC

    Hello Everybody!:-)

    I'm new here on this forum. I'm 14 years old and i live in Switzerland. Last year I have been diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm beeing homeschooled for the moment. Also I'm going trough a depression. I'm happy to join this forum! And sorry if my english is bad or something;) Love to all!
  24. Kuribo [old account]

    Going To My GP Tomorrow

    I am going to my GP tomorrow (well, today really ) as a first step to deal with my depression. The therapy sessions I was supposed to start have been postponed until at least February if not significantly later, so the GP may be able to do something about this while my guidance teacher talks to them too. Ever since my grandad died in 2011, I've been depressed and it's come and gone ever since. I was recently at a stage where I was feeling okay, but with school getting to me so much and everything that happened with my old ASD club as well as another forum, it's gotten progressively worse until now, when I've never been less motivated in life. The college plan for next year has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, but dealing with imbeciles, drastically over-thinking everything, constantly thinking about the education system I despise so much and being upset about social failures is still affecting me massively. On top of the therapy sessions, I also plan to inquire about medication tomorrow. I had always wanted to "stay strong" and get through it, but I had never imagined that it'd get this bad or that it'd last for so long. It's been there for three, approaching four years now and I've had enough. I'm finding it difficult to look after myself. I either eat and sleep too much or not enough, and I am finding it difficult to take care of hygiene or my appearance. I have always been quite independent but now I feel I am just crumbling away. I am going after school tomorrow.
  25. InsomniaDreams

    Small World

    I've spent my life creating a small safe world for myself and now I realise that I can't really do that. Also the walls of this world has stunted my development as a person. I'm so reactionary. I've never had an abundance of friends during my lifetime. A handful at best. As friends have moved on I've spent the past 3 years mostly indoors tbh. On the odd occasion i have the money to go on nights out I find that I can meet and talk to people quite fine. However in the past 3 years or so, even though I've met and got along with people on nights out, I don't have the drive to pursue a friendship with them. I don't know why that is. I think maybe I've just gotten so used to being isolated. I dunno. I'm also beginning to think that these days I have more depression that aspergers. Aspergers and it's problems seem to tend to revolve around talking to people, which I do fine (although people still think I'm strange lol). I keep thinking of that Virginia Woolfe quote 'you can't find peace by avoiding life.' I'm beginning to think that this is very true. For all of the effort and time and energy we place to create a safe private world for ourselves are we hurting ourselves? Is it a form of death? I feel like I'm existing, not living. There are obviously other problems that I and each of us have that causes us to form our worlds the way we have. I just am beginning to think that maybe we damage ourselves more than anyone else ever could. So why do we keep doing it?
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