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Showing results for tags 'Drugs'.
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I know it's bad and I'm not endorsing or recommending actions here. Maybe I'm just bored. I need a cigarette I know that much and I don't have any. I haven't posted on here in a while. I'm stuck indoors as my credit card company is charging me loads and I struggle to pay it off with dole payments. Anyway that's a different thing. I just feel like I have this whole world of action inside me and I can't do anything with it. I'm thinking of buying a bike for my birthday as that would enable me to go out and not cost anything. I'm having some frustrations building lasting regular communications and relationships on the internet. People seem to just stop after a while. I don't have much to talk about in my life as every day is the same really. I'm gonna be 30 in April and that bothers me. I'm trying to walk the line between exposure and privacy. I'd like to make YouTube vids but not be in them...or be in them rarely. Maybe by drawing cartoons in them I dunno. I really do like being mysterious lol. I think I'm gonna go downstairs and pour myself a brandy right now. That's what I got for Christmas. Hope people had a nice Christmas by the way. I got brandy and hideous days of the week socks and chocolate truffles which I ate rather quickly. It's boredom really. It's all boredom. Whoops I've posted this in the wrong section I think....sorry.
Its strange to talk about how i feel to people coz its like my words are translated into another language and i end up feeling misunderstood. Anyways.. Since ive started to study what asperger means and how it described lots of problems ive had growing up, in family life and school and other social situations , it has felt like a dead end. I appreciate that the diagnosis exist and that people are communicating about it, but i dont know how i should find my own way, without being stressed by the outside world, and how to find and accept some kind of position in life. Im not stupid, i try so many things but it doesn't give me the manual i need, i cant stand the psychosocial values and ways of the world, its like the all i believed in growing up ive now understood arent real or any good. But totally isolating me makes me anxious, even though id like to be able to be unattached. I think about death almost every day, how it would be easy if there were any gun around (which there ain't) to just end it, it dont want to destroy my familys life and my best friends life that way, but i cant help thinking about it. Its like i dont have the energy and know-how soul in my skull that should be there, that others seem to have. Ive tried at some times in my life to self medicate, with alcohol, or/and stimulants and benso, but drug abuse have always hurt me and made me more sick than helped, it only helped at some points for temporary motivation and focus to connect to others, but it never lasted. So i gave it up about 6 months ago. Now all i have is meditation which clears my head from the worse, and my apartment to keep clean. I dont go to school anymore and i havent tried small jobs around anything yet. I get enough money to live on, coz of having the diagnosis (some lucky ones gets it that way in sweden). I dont care about earning more money coz theres nothing I could buy that would fix anything. Could someone tell me about finding some peace with aspergers and how to accept a kind of secure loneliness, not trying to fit in where you cant, and how to activate some motivation in life and discover positive sides of aspergers. Thanks..