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  1. Hello everyone, To "Keep It Simple Silly..." i (hate capitalizing my "I"s) am a time capsule of the 1970s. Pierre Trudeau and Nixon always were and always would be, i thought. School saw me go from Grade 1 through 12 the "accepted oddball" because of my HSP (re Elaine Aron, re Sensory Processing Sensitivity) second brain structure unbullied there because with HSP i got a feeling "read" of people interacting. Though i stood off to the side, i replied in like manner as i read, always speaking up when spoken to -- no reason yet to be afraid. So somehow i was accepted, it being the late 60s to late 70s there weren't many bullies i think. Graduating Grade 12, i sat alone in a window seat in a room where a class might get held, but finals were on and everyone must be somewhere "cramming." i suddenly saw two girls in my class sitting on each side of a tall, narrow window ledge to my left. They may have well been martians, for all the interest i had in them -- i'm virgin aspie remember! They certainly knew me well enough not to be afraid. Then the one facing me began looking at me oddly, like "that guy ain't ready for the real world!" Books and notebooks piled on my desk, ready to work, the "accepted oddball" hoped for a class! My psych and me agreed "a church should be a safe place to work on my social anxiety disorder." For 2 years it was heaven on earth. We 20 or so accepted each other unconditionally and uncondemningly, unjudgingly, unreservedly, for we were all baprized into the same Faith. Our Minister said "we look after our own." That excellent Minister had to leave with a 5-way bypass the doc said "I'd never seen anyone look that bad who was still alive." We were undoubtedly ALL praying and fasting for him. Now he's Minister of his Hometown Maritimes! What GOD fixes HE fixes well. Then that aspie paradise became a torture chamber. A "macho man" joker of a Minister took over, pounding the laws and to heck with mercy. And he didn't know what to do with people like me (thankfully already baptized because he would never ever do it) and my pal aboriginal Al Brooks (failing with kidney failure) who was working to get baptized. This minister stood who he didn't understand in a corner of his "playbook" to rot. And rot we did. He told Al "I'd just be getting you wet" which is not a joking matter to a dying man! Al had a home dialysis machine. Personally i believe he denied himself the dialysis until he died of "natural causes." Then our Macho Minister let a Macho Man covert narcissist into the fold. That ended my honeymoon with the LCG. Always having been in everyone's good books, this Narc saw i am a gentleman and a nice guy. He began with unending public and private insults, put-down, and embarrassments. i thought this was so stupid he was bound to stop. He continued for another 2 1/2 years. AND my pal he turned to his Macho doctrine (which i didn't fit) which turned my pal into calling me "wimp, unworthy, excuses, crutches, afraid, and delusional." What a turn of a coin! But i have the HSP trait of unconsciously absorbing every tidbit of negativity i get, even though i think i am letting it slide off my back. And the aspie/HSP trait of trying to work it out with our persecutors. So he hammered me, and i simply went back for more, from him and my ex-pal. The Narc took me on our "Church Feast" on his own dime to Penticton in 2011. In the second week i attempted suicide. Thank GOD HE intervened and messed up my mind. All the Narc said was "What would that have done to the Church?" A valid concern i should have thought of, but i'm the one in inconceivable pain! Still he dragged me around all day and evening by an invisible nose-ring, insulting me to everyone right to my face. HSPs cannot tolerate confrontation, it is physically painful. When the narc sent me an attack email that my ex-pal agreed with, i forwarded them both to our macho Minister who took them aside for secret "words." My ex-pal fell largely silent. My narc pal said "we will only shake hands at Church because some words were said to me." But the narc needs his food (me), and soon repented of that. One other thing he does is keep people from me. i really don't know how. Once i was talking to a long-timer, and the narc walked slowly over. The guy shut up. i wondered what was going on. Narc put one foot up on the chair in front of my fellow and stared at him a good three minutes, during which time he paid him back no attention at all. Then the narc slowly returned to his chair. The message was "don't be talking to pussy here" as he would call me, IN CHURCH AND NOBODY OBJECTED!!! i was the dependable Doorman at Church. From 2009 to 2014 i was absent more and more until they had to replace me as doorman. That hurt. November 2014 was the first of over a year of absences. The first week absent i had planned to take 120 Methotrimeprazine Maleate sleeping pills during the Sermon, then lay down on the front row (where i was always alone) to die, but i couldn't do that to them. i had been pushing though panic attacks to attend until then, with the help of 4 Valium and 2 Xanax. Then they became no help, and i stayed home. The Narc's abuse reminded me of my youngest older sister's abuse. The two rose together to make attending too painful to endure. Then in January of February 2015 i had a mild breakdown over the thought "i will never attend agan, ever!" It took a month of face-bawling (never tasted tears before) at the slightest provocation before i dared go in outside and be sure not to bawl like a babe. Then a lengthy Depressive Crash (still going) and renewed Agoraphobia about going anywhere but what is 2 blocks away remains. i managed 4 scattered attendances recently, but always followed by failures. When i get off that elevator and turn left at the crowd, it is like a hundred people are talking in my ear at once (HSP). i have to pull a micro-focus around me to keep from getting "reads" off everybody i merely glance at, and pay attention to who i find to talk to first. We aspies have a terrible time shifting focus from one person to another, but it is possible if they give us a few seconds to "take them in" to know how to greet them. Yes, and the HSP read helps with that enormously, i imagine, because i have never been without HSP and only aspie! i must resume attending this church (not the people) a.s.a.p., or i shall go crazy. To the Church i am devoted, some members not so much, and the narc conned his way in like a thief. RETURN i must! If i am not re-attending this summer, i will lose my mind. This is my church more than the narc's. Can anyone please help me? ANY idea, great or tiny is fantastic. Big oak trees grow from one acorn. No idea is too small please? i will answer any questions. Thank you all ! Every one of you is a living breathing MIRACLE.
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