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I had a really awful meltdown a few days ago - I think it was on Wednesday. My day really started to suck all of a sudden, and when I got back to my room, I posted about it in the ranting section of another autism/Asperger forum I'm a part of, and then the meltdown started. I started rocking back and forth, slowly at first, then faster and faster. Then I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably...I just couldn't stop. I also wasn't getting enough air, and was making these peculiar "barking" gasping noises like "Wuh, wuh, wuh wuh..." Rather the way a zebra sounds. My arms and hands also felt tingly, numb and vibrate-y, as well as my face and the back of my head. This is also really embarrassing, but I was so desperate to get some oxygen, I started sucking my thumb a little bit, and it helped a little bit....I actually felt a little bit comforted, and I was able to slow down my breathing to where I could take semi-decent breaths. Then I stopped right away, since I don't want it to become a habit...I haven't sucked my thumb in years, and I never will again, I promise. I also remember really wanting someone to be there to comfort me and tell me that I was okay, and that everything would be okay....but at the same time, I was also grateful no one was there to see me like that. I work so hard to at least appear normal to everyone, even to my own family....I don't want to be sent back to a place that's anything like Sarah's Smile in Pennsylvania again. My roommate was at her house an hour away when all this happened, which I was happy about....I probably would have scared her to death. All I had then were my stuffed animals. I really love them a lot; they're like my only friends....they're the only ones that have never hurt me, left me, betrayed me or disappointed me in any way. I'll probably always be alone and only have them for company ever. Everyone I like and feel safe with always goes away eventually. I've also been thinking about killing myself a lot....I'm almost done with college, but I have this math-related learning disability and I'll never pass the class I'm in now, and going to the tutoring center makes me panic....besides, if I'm not good at math I'll probably never get a good job. If I'd had a gun in my room on Wednesday I'd probably have just blown myself away that very night. I just don't see a future for myself. I even bought a little notebook for me to write ideas about killing myself in, and all the reasons why I should do it - and let me tell you, there's a lot...I've just been too lazy to write everything down yet. Thank you for reading this, for those of you who have. I feel really safe here on Asperclick...everyone's so nice.