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  1. Okay, so my niece is going to turn 9 years old next Sunday, and my sister is throwing a birthday party for her, but the problem is that the party is going to be at the bowling alley, and she's invited a bunch of people to go, and she said that she's only renting a lane for the kids, which means that the adults can't bowl. I mean, I guess technically we can, but we would have to pay for ourselves, which isn't really a big deal, but we'd have to find a different lane, probably away from the party, and no one will want to do that. I don't know if any of the other adults are planning to bowl or not. They're mostly just taking their kids to the party. So, my problem is that if I went to the party, then I would be stuck in a noisy place sitting with a bunch of people I don't know and don't want to talk to, doing absolutely nothing because the bowling is "just for the kids." I would be extremely uncomfortable there, and it would be best if I didn't go. Another problem is that I don't know how to tell my niece that I'm not going to her party without hurting her feelings. She's very sensitive, so I can't just tell her that I'm not going to her party because I don't want to. I'm planning on getting her a present though. My sister keeps sending me facebook invites to the party, and she keeps messaging me talking about the party, saying there will be a good turn-out, but I've been ignoring her messages. My sister is not very understanding of me at all and thinks that I'm selfish just because I avoid doing things that make me uncomfortable or upset, so I'm not going to talk to her about it.
  2. Hi, My first time posting on a forum like this but thought I'd give it a shot bit of a long post.. My brother is in his early 30s and is an Aspie. He lives near a small country town with our mother, who has always created issues (for both of us). My brother has gone through a lot in his life, and especially when he was young my mother caused him a bit of trauma by her behaviour. My mother is an extremely emotional person, irrational at times, narrow minded, and can be act quite selfishly. As you may guess, not characteristics that my brother could respond to well. She was at her worst when he was little, however still behaves like this on a lower intensity. I'll be honest, it's difficult to deal with my brother at times, or even most the time, but tbh I find it harder to deal with our mother, especially when it comes to my brother. I know, complicated! Anyway, my brother decided he wants to move out, after a bit of kerfuffle, him and my mother have organised a new place for him. It needs a bit of work before he can move in, I'm hoping to ensure this is communicated to him, but it doesn't sound like my mother has..... (something I'm also concerned about) Now I live a few hours away and I really struggle with how to deal with it all. I want to help my brother have a positive transition to living independently, but I have my concerns too. I think these can be dealt with by discussion and planning, etc. But my mother isn't good at having just a discussion, she always brings her own agenda, it's difficult to get her to just be open to what everyone has to say :/ and to not drive the conversation somewhere illogical... Going forward, I'm at the stage where I feel like the only way my mother has a chance at handling this in a way that will be good for my brother is if she will talk to a professional (eg. a counsellor or a psychologist). It would be great if all three of us could talk to someone together ... but it would be difficult to get my brother to do that (and difficult to have my mother help my brother be open to it...) My mother and I need to work together, but even when she says she wants that, her actions say differently. I'm really trying to be reasonable and respectful to the both of them, but it's hard when my mother won't communicate to either of us properly, and won't even entertain reasonable ideas. She likes to be in control... For my brother, since he left high school he left behind any 'professional' support, and I really think this is what is missing from the equation at the moment. I feel like now is the best time to help bring this back in. At the moment, my brother really only interacts with my mother and one family friend. I think the lack of social interaction, and interaction from a reasonable person (as my mother is not that), has really held him back. I've recently started seeing a counsellor to help myself deal with the situation, which has been helpful to me. The counsellor (and my partner too in fact) were surprised when they found out my brother doesn't have any kind of case worker. Everyone has sort of been pushed away from him so now he's just in this bubble, where he only has my mother as a 'resource' around him. The biggest reason he wants to move out is to get away from my mother. So the whole situation really concerns me. I just think if he could have even one or two other people around him, that were more positive and open minded, and were prepared to understand my brother, and maybe eventually get him some help (he has a lot of issues [like childhood trauma, OCD tendencies, anxiety, depression, a past of an un-diagnosed eating disorder (idk if this is completely gone or not), possible grief from our father passing a few yrs ago, also tendacity to be into dark material (like horrors etc, I know my mother is concerned, I'm not sure if an issue or not)] that a therapist could help with, I know he needs to be ready for this, but otherwise he is just on his own, to try and sort out his issues and stew on them) It's hard to communicate everything that's involved, but if anyone has any advice on bringing professional help into the situation, and/or dealing with my brother or mother in general, it would be greatly appreciated. Seeing as my mother has a lot of issues herself (among them, she handles situations badly due to being stressed and takes it out on whoever is around), I think it would help everyone if at least she were to see a psychologist, on a regular basis, to give her support that I can't give her. I think this could help everyone as she'd have a place to vent, they could help guide her to more reasonable decisions, and to handling my brother in more appropriate ways. At the end of the day, she doesn't listen to me, no matter what I have to say. I just want to make an effort to not just shut my brother out from the world. I know he doesn't need people around all the time, I get that completely (I'm an introvert too), but acting like it's a unique situation there's nothing we can do about - I just don't think this is the right approach - but it's how my mother would want to handle it. Thanks everyone.
  3. blacktiger911

    my life

    saterday my dog died she was 11 and helped my through some really hard times when i was younger and yesterday my grandma had a stroke and is now in the hospital and cant move the right side of her body.
  4. On my mums side of her family we are super close and my aunts and uncles live not too far away from me and I love my mums side of the family they love me for being myself ? On my dads side of the family we see each other but not that much we only see my dads side of the family on Christmas Eve anybody else ?
  5. next weekend on my mum side of the family every year we have a huge bocce ball termament it's always fun we do it in memory of my gramps and my gran who loved playing bocce ball and I also love playing golf with my mum and dad and my sisters anybody else what kind of family fun activitys that you like too do with your mum and dad and sisters or brothers and at the weekend of our Bocce ball we have a BBQ as well ?
  6. For Father's/Mother's Day or their birthday, how do you make your parents feel special? When it's your siblings birthday, how do you make them feel special? How do you make your family feel special?
  7. Clockwork Crow

    Connecting to people

    so here's the thing... i was brousing around when i came across a post about begin touchy feely, and lots of people where saying that they can with people they like/love but... well... does any one else other than me have problems connecting to people. literaly connecting to anyone. cuz it feels like there's something wrong with me that other AS can love, yet i can :/ so is it something not connected with AS? or does some one know what i'm talking about or trying to say? at the moment i just treat everyone equally, and nicely. but i cant seem to get attached or emotionally involved with anyone even my mommy :'( i don't like it
  8. Deleted! It felt kind of silly compared to the real troubles people have.
  9. blacktiger911

    my brother.

    my brother seems to be a bit of a prick and keeps running away from the conversation. I'm ashamed that him and me are of he same blood!
  10. TriforceOfPower

    Understanding Nonverbal Cues

    I've always had a hard time understanding nonverbal cues. When my parents would try to tell me something by giving me looks/hand gestures, I couldn't (and still can't) understand what they were trying to say. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you cope and learn these cues?
  11. so i was talking to my mom and we got into religion and i told that i don't tell her everything because i don't want to bring anyone down with me. outside i am a mostly normal person but on the inside a war is raging for control and defining who i am and who i want to be. i have a big fear of people and meeting, and interacting with them and is what keeps me from a job. i just find myself going off inside my head. i cannot stop going through everything i do and the bad possible outcomes. and a big push from family about religion i get religion and i understand it mostly but i still fear the world that we know so little about after we die. i really just want to get a stupid f#@$king job so others will stop nagging me about and i can get my own place where i can be alone and left to my own devices. i could really use a cigarette right now but my family still dose not know i smoke so that would just create more problems for me but i am stressing the f@#$k out here and the added depression is not helping. i want to run away to a place where i dont have to worrie about this crap but that only exist in my head. i am afraid that this stress and depression will soon lead to my demise or worse.
  12. epiphanycakes

    [Sensitive]gender identity

    hello iv got something too ask, is there anyone who is transgender here ? i wont put too much up here other than i meet female aspies and I identity alot with the symptoms in terms of masking eta i am one male too female as im going though a rough time, and im very effeminate il post under this the details sometime
  13. I'm doing some reading about what to expect in getting a formal diagnosis as an adult and...I may have a problem. Some of what I'm reading suggests the doctor may want to question my family and anyone else who knew me as a child. To say that might be a problem is....putting it mildly. I'm 30 years old, still live with my parents and sisters, (rent around here is half of what I make in a month and I like not living paycheck to paycheck, because I've done that and it's HARD,) and anyone outside of my family who knew me as a kid has looooong since moved out of the area, and I deleted my BookFace because I Hate People, (and politics...) so any contacts THERE are also gone, and I don't think any of those folks would remember to keep their yaps shut. What do I say for, "I'm sorry, but I'd rather die a slow and painful death than my parents even suspect that I'm in your office, so no you're not asking them." Same goes for siblings and anyone else. I'm even afraid my primary doc would accidentally let something slip... (My pediatricians have long since retired, and the only other doc who's seen me from childhood is my ophthalmologist, but 1) he's my dad's friend as much as he is his eye doctor, and 2) he's never been in a good position to see AS symptoms Just Because That's How It Happened.) What if they ask about employers? As I said in my intro thread, I'll probably wind up disclosing to my supervisor, (for reasons far beyond what I went into in that thread, but some of the details of other reasons why start to get into things specific enough that it could reveal my employer, and That Would Be Bad.) I have friends who've known me 10+ years, and, sure, they know my family's a mess and why I'd rather be flayed alive than my parents or sisters be able to call me "autistic." Would that suffice for a decent human being? Anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? For legal purposes, I'll reiterate that I live in the US.
  14. It's really annoying that my mother won't let me have a meltdown when I need to. I don't have that many meltdowns but when I do she just tells me to get over it because "it's not that big a problem" or "what you're doing is not going to help anything" - she doesn't understand that firstly the thing that caused the meltdown is big to me and secondly that even if having a meltdown is not going to solve the problem it is still important to help me to cope with whatever had caused the meltdown. It's really annoying because sometimes I really need to have the meltdown in order to help me to cope with whatever had caused the problem but she doesn't let me and then the problem just gets all built up inside me until I've got a whole pile of big problems which becomes unbearable and then I have an enormous big meltdown which just goes on for days and days.
  15. I'm 25 and haven't been diagnosed yet (I'm working on setting up an assesment right now), so maybe this is way too premature to begin thinking about... But I am wondering how older aspies (people that were diagnosed or learned of their aspergers later in life, once you were an adult and your parents weren't apart of the process of you figuring it out) told your parents about your aspergers? Long story short, I want to open up about my issues with my family, but have no idea how to start that conversation. We don't live near each other and they are receptive but sometimes kind of stubborn when it comes to accepting what they percieve as "weakness"... If that makes sense. Any advice? Horror stories? Success stories? Please share.
  16. L Lawliet

    Missing People

    I have issues with missing people. If I lose someone permanently, either through break up or passing away, I miss them and it really hurts. But when I go on holiday or someone I know is working away, I don't miss them. It sounds awful but I think it's because I don't understand why I would miss someone when I know they're coming back or that I will see them again later. I went to Madagascar for five and a half weeks and I didn't miss my family. I feel really guilty because when people say "Do you miss me?" I'm always like "I do, very much", but it's not always true Truth be told I'm too busy enjoying my own company to miss people. I'm going to see them soon, so why miss them? I'm always really happy when I see them because I love seeing them again, but at the time I don't feel it. I just get accustomed to people not being there. Like I said, if it's a permanent loss, I feel it like a stab in the heart. Just not any other time...
  17. Kuribo [old account]

    My Mum's Step-Dad is an Abusive Pig.

    The title says it all. I have never known a more self-obsessed, lying, manipulative, controlling, two-faced bastard in my entire life. When my mum was sixteen, my grandmother (not the one who's ill) decided that she'd be moving in with him. Shortly before this, my mum had a serious accident and was therefore unable to sit her exams. She coped fantastically in the school system and was in the most advanced class for almost every subject. Getting those qualifications would have set her on the right track, and she was going to be allowed to sit them at a later date because of her injury. However, her step-dad talked my grandmother into moving in before she was allowed to do this. When she objected, he pinned her against the wall and screamed that she ought to consider herself lucky that she had a home at all, and that she should "stop whining and deal with it". She ended up renting a room with family and eventually everything worked out okay, but this is just one example of his disgusting nature. He lies. To everyone. All the time. If doing so will allow him to get his way, he'll gladly talk utter bullshit at other people's expense. Usually, the goal of his lying is to make himself seem like a completely different person from whom he really is. For example, he spends a large amount of his time boasting about well-paid and exotic jobs he's done, such as being the head chef of a hotel in Canada, being the "depute park keeper" of a park near me in Edinburgh, even though he was apparently a homeless alcoholic from Glasgow at the same time, and many more. I know that he hasn't worked for a single day since my mum met him. He has lied to me a lot about other things too. In spite of everything that happened, he told me that if my mum had listened to him when she was young, she would have been a lot more successful. He also told me that when he was a homeless alcoholic at 19 in Glasgow (while he was also the 'depute park keeper' in Edinburgh), God came to him in a vision and taught him how to live a good life. When I first met him, he couldn't care less about religion, and he only started claiming to be a lifelong Christian five years ago. Considering that he's been banned from several churches and voluntary organisations for being abusive and manipulative, I think I understand his motivation for "becoming" Christian. He constantly manipulates people to get his own way. For example, he tries to appear loud and threatening, often repeating things several times to intimidate people into agreeing with him. He also puts people on the spot by saying things like "I'll have to come over to your place for lunch soon, won't I?" whilst under the impression that people will be too polite to decline. During his latest uninvited visit to my great aunt and uncle who are both lovely, quiet people, he did the same and apparently was pretty annoyed when they declined. My grandmother is a very shy, introverted person who can't really stand up for herself, and he orders her around, forcing her to pay for everything he does, and even dictating word-for-word what she should be saying over the phone. She changes her attitude, beliefs and mannerisms when around him. He has apparently raised his fist to her during a fit of rage too. My mum doesn't even want to contact her own mother anymore, because every time she does, he tries to speak to her even though she hates him, and if he doesn't, he'll be sitting there dictating her words and nagging her to ask certain questions. More disturbingly, he's recently been taking her mobile phone and texting my mum while impersonating my grandmother with the intent of obtaining my contact details so that he can attempt to manipulate my opinions as he has tried to in the past. He assumes that because of my age, I'll believe everything he says and that he can mould my opinions in a way that would be beneficial for his ego. My grandmother's texts are always grammatically-correct and polite. We received one yesterday saying "[my name]'s mb nombre now please" which was obviously from him. A few hours later, we received another one written in a way that was obviously an attempt to mimic (badly) my grandmother's writing style. I hate seeing my mum as upset as she is just now, knowing that every time she sends a private message to her own mother, this sack of shit will be reading them, planning his next move. My dad now needs to answer the phone and make sure he isn't there in the background before giving it to my mum or saying that she's not in just now. He just causes so much unnecessary misery and drama. I'm sick of it.
  18. Guest

    [Sensitive] Violence

    I want to start a thread about violence- not about being the victim but being the person who is hitting, kicking or anything else. I often find when I am angry that I will want to hit someone. However, I am not going to go into great detail here as it will probably bore you. Do any of you have trouble with this? I am often scared with my thoughts about hurting others. I just have this incredible urge to hurt someone even though I know it is bad and I try to get these thoughts out of my head. Were you a violent child and how do you cope now? Sorry Wren
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