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Hello everyone, To "Keep It Simple Silly..." i (hate capitalizing my "I"s) am a time capsule of the 1970s. Pierre Trudeau and Nixon always were and always would be, i thought. School saw me go from Grade 1 through 12 the "accepted oddball" because of my HSP (re Elaine Aron, re Sensory Processing Sensitivity) second brain structure unbullied there because with HSP i got a feeling "read" of people interacting. Though i stood off to the side, i replied in like manner as i read, always speaking up when spoken to -- no reason yet to be afraid. So somehow i was accepted, it being the late 60s to late 70s there weren't many bullies i think. Graduating Grade 12, i sat alone in a window seat in a room where a class might get held, but finals were on and everyone must be somewhere "cramming." i suddenly saw two girls in my class sitting on each side of a tall, narrow window ledge to my left. They may have well been martians, for all the interest i had in them -- i'm virgin aspie remember! They certainly knew me well enough not to be afraid. Then the one facing me began looking at me oddly, like "that guy ain't ready for the real world!" Books and notebooks piled on my desk, ready to work, the "accepted oddball" hoped for a class! My psych and me agreed "a church should be a safe place to work on my social anxiety disorder." For 2 years it was heaven on earth. We 20 or so accepted each other unconditionally and uncondemningly, unjudgingly, unreservedly, for we were all baprized into the same Faith. Our Minister said "we look after our own." That excellent Minister had to leave with a 5-way bypass the doc said "I'd never seen anyone look that bad who was still alive." We were undoubtedly ALL praying and fasting for him. Now he's Minister of his Hometown Maritimes! What GOD fixes HE fixes well. Then that aspie paradise became a torture chamber. A "macho man" joker of a Minister took over, pounding the laws and to heck with mercy. And he didn't know what to do with people like me (thankfully already baptized because he would never ever do it) and my pal aboriginal Al Brooks (failing with kidney failure) who was working to get baptized. This minister stood who he didn't understand in a corner of his "playbook" to rot. And rot we did. He told Al "I'd just be getting you wet" which is not a joking matter to a dying man! Al had a home dialysis machine. Personally i believe he denied himself the dialysis until he died of "natural causes." Then our Macho Minister let a Macho Man covert narcissist into the fold. That ended my honeymoon with the LCG. Always having been in everyone's good books, this Narc saw i am a gentleman and a nice guy. He began with unending public and private insults, put-down, and embarrassments. i thought this was so stupid he was bound to stop. He continued for another 2 1/2 years. AND my pal he turned to his Macho doctrine (which i didn't fit) which turned my pal into calling me "wimp, unworthy, excuses, crutches, afraid, and delusional." What a turn of a coin! But i have the HSP trait of unconsciously absorbing every tidbit of negativity i get, even though i think i am letting it slide off my back. And the aspie/HSP trait of trying to work it out with our persecutors. So he hammered me, and i simply went back for more, from him and my ex-pal. The Narc took me on our "Church Feast" on his own dime to Penticton in 2011. In the second week i attempted suicide. Thank GOD HE intervened and messed up my mind. All the Narc said was "What would that have done to the Church?" A valid concern i should have thought of, but i'm the one in inconceivable pain! Still he dragged me around all day and evening by an invisible nose-ring, insulting me to everyone right to my face. HSPs cannot tolerate confrontation, it is physically painful. When the narc sent me an attack email that my ex-pal agreed with, i forwarded them both to our macho Minister who took them aside for secret "words." My ex-pal fell largely silent. My narc pal said "we will only shake hands at Church because some words were said to me." But the narc needs his food (me), and soon repented of that. One other thing he does is keep people from me. i really don't know how. Once i was talking to a long-timer, and the narc walked slowly over. The guy shut up. i wondered what was going on. Narc put one foot up on the chair in front of my fellow and stared at him a good three minutes, during which time he paid him back no attention at all. Then the narc slowly returned to his chair. The message was "don't be talking to pussy here" as he would call me, IN CHURCH AND NOBODY OBJECTED!!! i was the dependable Doorman at Church. From 2009 to 2014 i was absent more and more until they had to replace me as doorman. That hurt. November 2014 was the first of over a year of absences. The first week absent i had planned to take 120 Methotrimeprazine Maleate sleeping pills during the Sermon, then lay down on the front row (where i was always alone) to die, but i couldn't do that to them. i had been pushing though panic attacks to attend until then, with the help of 4 Valium and 2 Xanax. Then they became no help, and i stayed home. The Narc's abuse reminded me of my youngest older sister's abuse. The two rose together to make attending too painful to endure. Then in January of February 2015 i had a mild breakdown over the thought "i will never attend agan, ever!" It took a month of face-bawling (never tasted tears before) at the slightest provocation before i dared go in outside and be sure not to bawl like a babe. Then a lengthy Depressive Crash (still going) and renewed Agoraphobia about going anywhere but what is 2 blocks away remains. i managed 4 scattered attendances recently, but always followed by failures. When i get off that elevator and turn left at the crowd, it is like a hundred people are talking in my ear at once (HSP). i have to pull a micro-focus around me to keep from getting "reads" off everybody i merely glance at, and pay attention to who i find to talk to first. We aspies have a terrible time shifting focus from one person to another, but it is possible if they give us a few seconds to "take them in" to know how to greet them. Yes, and the HSP read helps with that enormously, i imagine, because i have never been without HSP and only aspie! i must resume attending this church (not the people) a.s.a.p., or i shall go crazy. To the Church i am devoted, some members not so much, and the narc conned his way in like a thief. RETURN i must! If i am not re-attending this summer, i will lose my mind. This is my church more than the narc's. Can anyone please help me? ANY idea, great or tiny is fantastic. Big oak trees grow from one acorn. No idea is too small please? i will answer any questions. Thank you all ! Every one of you is a living breathing MIRACLE.
This thread is probably going to generate huge amounts of controversy (as will anything that relates to gender) but I feel I have to say this. I'm really tired of the way males are expected to just 'keep their chins up' and keep emotions bottled inside. When I say we're expected to do this, I mean by both other males and females. It seems whenever I try to talk to people in person about anything on my mind, they don't want to know or will just try and dismiss the problem as not being important. On the other hand, females always seem to get support from their friends and family no matter what. Two out of four girls I've been out with have called me pathetic for being insecure. One girl who I was very good friends with said the same thing. And yet all of my exes and a lot of the female friends I've had throughout the years have been insecure and always seemed to get support when they needed it. This is one of the reasons why the male suicide rate is so much higher than the female suicide rate - men feel depressed, they reach out for help, they get ignored, they feel like they're a burden to everyone around them so they kill themselves. Also, it seems like whenever the suicide issue is brought up, someone will say 'Women have it so much worse of because of X, Y and Z'. Yes, women do have it worse than men in general. Does that mean that all male-specific issues should just be ignored? This kind of attitude should piss women off too, considering it basically implies men are strong enough to deal with things on their own and women aren't. When will we admit that both men and women are riddled with insecurities? Why are male insecurities considered a joke by so many but female insecurities are something that must be dealt with? The irony of this is that often when I've brought this up I've been essentially told to 'man up'... EDIT: I forgot to mention abusive relationships. Men get abused by women in relationships far more than the media tells us. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships, however, will get laughed at if we tell anyone. So we have to keep it to ourselves. Case in point: my ex actually went on my Facebook when I was with her and blocked all my female friends and said I wasn't allowed to talk to any other women except for her. Now I had about 25 Facebook friends at the time and less than a quarter were female and not relatives of mine. She had over 1,000 Facebook friends and over half were guys who added her to perv over her constant half-naked selfies. When I raised this she said it didn't matter and that she didn't know half of them. Then accused me of not letting her have friends. WHAT??????? To be fair she was absolutely insane but I've heard of similar things happening to other people. I'm not saying it's women as a whole who are to blame for this. I think society just needs to at least try to accommodate the needs of both men and women rather than only being able to do so for one gender at a time.
so I don't know if anyone else gets this but there is a war that rips through my mind. I am confused in this world (as obviously we all kinda are) but trying to understand everything and everyone it gets overbearing, trying to fit in and act normal taking in everything wanting to do something or ever be someone but it is so hard to do that. You just get kinda lost and it turns into a war between society (the world to sum it up) and me and who I am. what do you think? dose anyone else get this or ever feel it?
I am lost and alone in my own head. my thoughts go so far they have no end. I am thinking more now. and I'm discovering thing about me I never knew. some of its good but more so it is veered to a darker side. I'm so lost in this darkness and I have no light at all and if I do it only emits darkness. there are questions that have no answer but continuously seek one as if in a trance. things are moving so fast and I don't want it to slow down I just want it to stop, I'm am creating a world in my head and running to it because I have control there, I make the rules, the story is created by me and can be altered at any time. but I still in the real physical world. sometime a knife looks more and more friendly but I know from experience I wants to deceive me. but what if that is the stop I am looking for and exit from this world into the world I want to exist. I'm not suicidal I wont actually do that but if I tell anyone this there reaction be that, I am suicidal these are just a few questions my mind asks and that I need a answer. I want help but no one can. not family, not friends because I have none. if I go to a "place for help" that will destroy me. I truly am a hollow shell, on the outside happy, talkative nice person, but in the inside can not be explained. this just keeps eating me.....I.....I what? I am certain that if I can finish it things will be better. but it is like finding the answer to a math equation that is impossible to solve because no one is smart enough to understand it. I sound depressed but I truly am not just confused. I am being ripped apart emotionally, mentally, and figuratively. I am lost........... what do you think I just pored out my entire self in a way I have done to no one EVER. please no are you suicidal, or depressed stuff or anything like that. I am not and I don't need or want that.