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I had a really awful meltdown a few days ago - I think it was on Wednesday. My day really started to suck all of a sudden, and when I got back to my room, I posted about it in the ranting section of another autism/Asperger forum I'm a part of, and then the meltdown started. I started rocking back and forth, slowly at first, then faster and faster. Then I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably...I just couldn't stop. I also wasn't getting enough air, and was making these peculiar "barking" gasping noises like "Wuh, wuh, wuh wuh..." Rather the way a zebra sounds. My arms and hands also felt tingly, numb and vibrate-y, as well as my face and the back of my head. This is also really embarrassing, but I was so desperate to get some oxygen, I started sucking my thumb a little bit, and it helped a little bit....I actually felt a little bit comforted, and I was able to slow down my breathing to where I could take semi-decent breaths. Then I stopped right away, since I don't want it to become a habit...I haven't sucked my thumb in years, and I never will again, I promise. I also remember really wanting someone to be there to comfort me and tell me that I was okay, and that everything would be okay....but at the same time, I was also grateful no one was there to see me like that. I work so hard to at least appear normal to everyone, even to my own family....I don't want to be sent back to a place that's anything like Sarah's Smile in Pennsylvania again. My roommate was at her house an hour away when all this happened, which I was happy about....I probably would have scared her to death. All I had then were my stuffed animals. I really love them a lot; they're like my only friends....they're the only ones that have never hurt me, left me, betrayed me or disappointed me in any way. I'll probably always be alone and only have them for company ever. Everyone I like and feel safe with always goes away eventually. I've also been thinking about killing myself a lot....I'm almost done with college, but I have this math-related learning disability and I'll never pass the class I'm in now, and going to the tutoring center makes me panic....besides, if I'm not good at math I'll probably never get a good job. If I'd had a gun in my room on Wednesday I'd probably have just blown myself away that very night. I just don't see a future for myself. I even bought a little notebook for me to write ideas about killing myself in, and all the reasons why I should do it - and let me tell you, there's a lot...I've just been too lazy to write everything down yet. Thank you for reading this, for those of you who have. I feel really safe here on Asperclick...everyone's so nice.
My first topic post! I've always been an avid Radio 4 listener, especially to the news - World at One, 5pm, 6pm, 10pm etc etc. I've rarely lived with a tv, but when I did, I'd watch Newsnight and other news programmes. Unfortunately there is a downside to The News, to grab your attention, articles are designed to create a reaction and most of these are negative or frustrating. I'd get angry or depressed or saddened or extremely worried. Or sickened by political propagandising and unpleasant manipulative jingo-ism. None of which you can alter or change in any way. So, towards the end of last year, I decided to completely stop The News. No papers, no radio, no tv, or online news. In fact, we're bombarded by it constantly. Today, I went into a HSBC branch which had a tv news feed going, my doctor has a tv installed in the waiting room. Tricky as it is to avoid 'News', nevertheless I've found life much less stressful without it. I was wondering if anyone had tried anything similar or even whether the idea appeals. Could or do you, live without it?
Does anyone else have an issue with preciseness and then discomfort or panic if you aren't given clear instructions. I remember I've had numerous issues when either the teacher or my mum gave me instructions to carry out some particular tasks, but then I had difficulty carrying them out because they were so vague (also I have trouble listening :/), so I get into some panic, especially with teachers, because I'm scared that if I get it wrong, they will be deeply disappointed with me. Also, when my mum sends me to the shop to buy something, I have to know the exact type and brand of the item that is needed and preferably an estimation of the price, so I can double check whether it should be the right product. Anyone else with this problem?