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  1. Hello, I am 20 years old and have aspergers. I am in my first serious relationship and I am having problems with obsessing over my partner. As a child I was reclusive like most people with aspergers but I still wanted a relationship and it was one of my obsessions. I finally got my first real girlfriend almost a year ago and we are still together now but I have a problem with smothering her with love and attention. I know I have to not be clingy but the only thing I can think about is being with her. Iv tried a lot of things like diverting my attention, going somewhere else for a little bit, trying to pull myself back a little, and you get it. So I need some advice about how to help my obsessive tendencies with aspergers to help eliminate the stress in our relationship. Thankyou.
  2. Of you as a person and of your diagnosis (or self-diagnosis)
  3. Hello guys, So Willow has mentioned to me before that people often ask her what is it like to be in a relationship with someone who is Neurotypical, and that she finds it difficult to answer or is unsure of how to answer people, so i was thinking did anyone have any questions that i could answer, just to give people the opportunity to ask an NT which maybe they've never had the chance to do. Ask away and ill answer the best i can Rhys
  4. Hello everyone, The books I was collecting articles for are now out in print, the top 2 listed. http://www.jkp.com/author/authors/view/id/dean-worton-5660 Bittersweet on the Autism Spectrum Love, Partnership or Singleton on the Autism Spectrum I would also like to attract contributors for these books. Being a Parent on the Autism Spectrum Being LGBT on the Autism Spectrum Details here deanworton.wordpress.com If interested, PM me or follow the instructions found on the website. Members of Asperclick are among the contributors of the published books. Please note: everyone gets a free copy, and the royalties are paid out when theres a reasonable amount to give each contributor. Thanks Dean
  5. Hey guys, A member told me about this really cool thread on another forum where single people post a description of themselves so that other people can see and maybe, that way, they can get to know each other and see where it goes. Following, I will create an example of what your initial post on this thread could look like. I skimmed through the thread on that forum and got what an idea of what I thought would be a good example, using my information. Of course, it doesn't have to be exactly how I wrote it, just trying to give some of you an idea, I know it can be hard sometimes explaining ourselves or knowing what to write. I hope that knowing that everyone on this forum is friendly, can help alleviate some anxiety some of us may get about posting on this thread. You could just try it out for fun too and see what happens. Age: Mid 20s Gender: Female Location: United States Interests: Soap operas, art, crafts, psychology, most music, preferably soft music, pop music Personality: Caring, friendly, serious, honest Employment: Unemployed Appearance: Brown eyes, black hair, 5'2" (1.59m), 170lbs (12 stone) Looking for: A nice guy, ages about 21-35 Online dating: Yes You could do it like this, even include a picture, or just provide a brief description, whatever feels right for you. Obviously, for those of you who know me better know other personality traits, but I tried to include the more positive ones. I had included more negative ones, but it didn't seem right and I tried keeping it positive. I left out some information, but it's just for sample purposes. This thread, I hope, will make it easier for those of you who are looking to find a significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. Good luck to everyone and I really hope some couples come out of here.
  6. HEY Dont be afraid of text length. It may not even be interesting but i really promise you that... sometimes helping other people out can be the key to... your own development !!! Its been quite a while since i havent continued with my arc of disgraced stories of frustration in love, but IM BACK [insert ironic/sarcastic tone of voice], YAY !!! Anyways, the problem i still have from this specific situation is one of the most haunting things from all the multiple shitstorms that have been crushing my self-esteem, sanity and relations nowadays. I would really love to make this short and concise but ,as always, ill have to tell it from the beginning : I always thought my greatest passion was going to come out of a cheesy as hell hollywood-esque situation when i was a kid but, apparently, God (if he exists and i really hope he does not) has a pretty fucked up sense of originality and the very first eye contact that i had with her was with with some random OCD ritual of giving panoramic looks around the classroom that i care since 8th grade...And there she was, way back in the last benches: beautifully pale, slightly chubby, with a soft black hair and a pair of cute cheeks...imagine that song Bang Bang but with a Tomahawk missile blast instead. Unfortunately, my lack of social skills led me to making some pretty awkward and unpolite advances through letters that i thought would be "cool" according to 8th grade Lucas's retarded logic. But i still groomed some hopes until some months ago thinking she would just think "Oh, he was just being silly" and that i would have some chances with her but, as everything in my life, it backfired horribly. In a curt and cutting (just as her personality and kind of her gaze, although i always loved it ) whatsapp message she said i was hassling her and that i basically had to give her a LONG time. She also said : "I dont even want friendship with you" and some other little "feel good" things such as : "But dont worry, focus on ther girls" and "its gonna be alright". It all almost seemed as joke since those little words at the end werent even close of soothing the damage. I even tried to face it with the "man up and go on" macho meme but i quickly figured out how bad of a meme it was because it made me realize i just couldnt move on. Each day it grows stronger to me that she is probably the only woman i had any kind of genuine love and the rest are probably going to be like bubblegum that i chew and spit when the relation gets tasteless (if i sound like a grade A asshole, it's because i am. Its natural for frustrated people to be like that ). The thought that i may never find happiness with other girl is really unerving...Whenever i get alone and with nothing on my head, this disgraced thought hits me like a bullet. I even try to practice some sport or something but it always hits back twice as hard. Its like theres no escape for this burden for a crime i never commited... BUT HEY, i may be wrong and thats why im asking for your advices. I can even consider to silence it with licit/illicit drugs since i cant seem to cope with it...
  7. First post I have made here in a long time. Life has been pulling me in so many directions, but one very special change. An old friend I haven't talked to in a while (for good reason) called me up to ask him help move. Me, a complete wreck with bags under my eyes from stress agrees since I have a hard time letting people down.. A cute girl was in the passenger seat and I thought to myself "must be one his "side friends" (keeping it appropriate) Very shy girl, which attracted me to her right away because I'm shy to. AS me and my friend talked in the garage while moving stuff he said that she's very loyal. Big words to hear for me since I have been hurt over and over again. Being single for 3 years I was nervous as hell.. I used one of my best traits to try and make an attempt to communicate with her. Being a dork and using my humor. She didn't laugh very much. When things were finishing up with moving she was outside and I asked her if she was from the same town I live in, since I know most people around here. She said, yes, I didn't have a follow up so I just said cool and smiled >_< .. A few more pointless things and finally asked if she would like to casually just hang out with me and some friends that night for a get together. She tried to act like she was thinking about it and replied with a loud sure! Smiling in excitement. I didn't think she was going to meet me that night and I can't believe she drove all the way back just to see me! The night went great and we spent time laughing, joking and sharing things about each other playing some video games. The next day I waited without talking to her, I didn't want to come off desperate. After a few more hours I couldn't help it and sent her a message inviting her to my friends cookout. nervous as hell with 2 hours of sleep. She was excited and went with. Just as happy and nervous as I was! It was a slow miserable day, her looking amazing, me.. like a zombie. She didn't mind ^-^ Fast forward: We hung out everyday after that. And started officially dating on June 13th. About a week and a half after meeting. Here is the crazy part. after getting to know her more. I noticed she was really awkward just like me, laughed different than any girl, had trouble getting her words out and had a "learning disability" (hate that term) in school. I did to. She became flustered easily by quick information. She can't eat in front of people or focus on talking on the phone around others. The sweetest girl I have ever met.. And I am MORE than convinced she falls into the Asperger's side of life like me.
  8. http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Good-Reputation-on-the-First-Day-of-School-(for-Girls) It isn't specifically meant for aspies but it tells you what NT's look for when they judge people. It is meant for girls but a lot of these tips apply to guys. If you ignore the school setting I am sure you can apply a lot of these tips for work, social gatherings etc. Good luck everybody, I hope it helps.
  9. Hi, I was wondering peoples thoughts on telling a partner you have Aspergers? I'm on the milder end of the spectrum and its not particularly noticeable... Do you think its important I let a possible partner know? I know you can't really answer it for me but I'm in need of advice. Emma x
  10. smileeachday

    At a loss

    I don't know what to do, i've had many issues lying to my husband in the past and he well knows that i've lied multiple times and now he doesn't trust me very much anymore... It was a long time ago when i lied all the time but now it seems every move i make now i am stepping on egg shells... And i admit that i lied about some big private stuff... and i feel like im on thin ice although i know he loves me very much.. And with my aspergers mind i don't know what to think anymore and it's a scary situation... What can i do to make it right? and fix it?
  11. The best one can hope to get from this, whatever ‘this’ is, is to identify with me in your own life and know that you don’t have to be useless alone, or it’s an open door invitation to a genuinely nice person (probably a woman of my age living in another country) to be a good samaritan by inspiring hope by reminding you/me of the things you do and yet don’t want to hear (the kind of things that would definitely work, if life played out like a romantic film or you were like the other 99.9% of the population and things just worked…zing) and naturally this or these great advisors wouldn’t look at you/me in a romantic way, oh no, but someone, some day , somewhere will of course…..won’t they??? Love is and always has (so long as I was in a desperate enough position to need it, which I can’t ever see changing ever since a few years back) been too dangerous for me, because it’s dangerous to obsess, fantasize or think excessively about something you have countless reasons to know you’ll never have, the conversations, romance, sex etc- never gonna happen because believe it or not it requires two ‘consenting people’, not one irreversibly deluded idiot and his imaginary lover and who puts off a girl (maybe subliminally or subconsciously) just by looking at her. I am better than this, better than being the unrequited love-slave forced to face the (often internal) humiliation and constant rejection of something that only 50% of me (at most) can and has ever actually genuinely wanted (previous to which I lived in harmony successfully rejecting/supressing love) and now cannot escape. Some people are just so socially defective (such as myself, but not in a way which is immediately obvious, oh no that’d be too easy) that all girls (to one degree or another) immediately or eventually must surely feel uncomfortable around you/me (even though you’re not the weird guy on the bus who tries to talk/flirt with everyone or the moody aspie who frightens people off with his hatred for his rejection or the social recluse who never ever talks to anyone), you can be none of those things but still get overlooked, ignored and rejected. All the potential answers that you hope could open doors for you are never really there or don’t ever happen how you hope (because your hopes are based on fiction, the only true understanding and examples of various situations that you have in your miserably sheltered life). You’d like to imagine that there are aspie social or support groups you could go to and that because you’re somehow so socially inept, that automatically so too are the girls (in their own sexy way) and thus they simply must fall in love with you (the one of a few who actually understands them), but it doesn’t work that way even when such clubs do exist and instead it’s like everything else in your life all over again in that barriers immediately go up and the loosely termed ‘friendships’ within that club (or any type of club that one is suggested to attend if one has hardly any friends and is unlikely to meet someone otherwise) ends at the door just before you leave or maybe doesn’t even make it that far as you discover that apparently there are many different kinds of aspies and aspieness and once again you’re in that minority of the minority. What follows on from this is then obvious because you never really managed to establish any rapport with any women (even though you/I hold conversations which can even draw laughter and can be engaging) and you just pathetically feel alienated and threatened by anyone or almost everyone else who eventually makes the connection you never could (or have) only to gradually form a relationship, or go to each other’s houses to socialise further or pretty much anything that someone such as myself virtually never gets to experience. It’s ironic that some guys complain about never getting beyond their first dates (yes plural, meaning they’ve had a few), well at least you’ve had dates (possibly NT women- WTF, how??) and the fact that you can get to this stage is far more than some others such as myself can or probably will ever succeed in. For someone like me (and the other guys who are nodding and agreeing in silence at home alone by their computers right now) life is (as far as love is concerned) all about seeing beautiful women (and if you’re very lucky, actually getting to talk to them for whatever reason) and perhaps in the space of a short time you imagine what it’d be like to be with someone you actually want to be with (rather than settling for what you’d consider a 4/10, like I did, much to my regret- IDIOT!!). I’ll leave it there for now because if I’m lucky, some people will read and a few might even relate, hell one or two might sympathize and give some good advice if I really pray hard enough.
  12. A quiz about matching certain personality types with each other to form lasting bonds. Chemistry.com uses this test to help their users find matches. Here's the quiz: http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/helen-fisher-personality-type-test/ Here's information on the 4 types and matching: http://digitalcitizen.ca/y/ My Results: Negotiator 13 Explorer, 26 Builder, 26 Director, 29 Negotiator So I'm a Negotiator-Builder/Director, and I'd be best matched with a Director-Negotiator or a Director-Builder. As for the poll, please choose your single primary and secondary types, unless you have the same number for any types. In that case, choose all that apply. Eg. I will choose Negotiator as my primary type, and then I'll choose both Director and Builder as my secondary types. You may also post your results and opinions below. ^__^
  13. TriforceOfPower

    Understanding Nonverbal Cues

    I've always had a hard time understanding nonverbal cues. When my parents would try to tell me something by giving me looks/hand gestures, I couldn't (and still can't) understand what they were trying to say. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you cope and learn these cues?
  14. Muzical

    Ostracisation at work

    I started working for my current employer early in June of last year. At first, I got invited out to lunch with my department-mates a fair amount, but as time went on it became less and less, and, after my "birthday lunch" in August, just totally stopped. I've even tried "inviting myself" at the end of last month, as much as I hate doing so, and I could just tell my presence was...not so much resented as, "I'll deal with her if I have to because I'm too nice to do otherwise." (Should probably also mention here that I'm a software developer, so my department is overwhelmingly male, which is how I prefer it, actually--not fond of women by any stretch and the fact that every other department here is 98% female drives me crazy.) I've even asked if I can tag along, been looked at right in the eye, and they keep walking...I don't really know how ELSE to interpret that... And no, I have zero idea what I did to alienate everyone...I never do... I've flat-out ASKED my supervisor, and all I get is, "It's fine, you could come if you wanted," but then when I take him at his word... *Sigh* No one'll be straight with me and I'm getting fed up of being odd-woman-out in EVERY situation. I've started only showing up for social whatever if EXPLICITLY invited, because then I know my presence cannot be resented, at least not with any sort of claim of a moral high ground. Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else? How do you deal? How do you not take it personally or worry that it reflects on your future with the company? DOES this reflect on my future with the company, based on experiences y'all have had in the past? (PS: if a mod feels this thread better belongs in the relationships forum, I don't blame you. I ham-hawked for a while before deciding to put it here.)
  15. Hello to all! I am new to this and I am finding it helpful I was diagnoses with Asperger's in July and I told my partner soon after. I love him very much, he means the world to me but I don't think he understands just how much AS impacts on my life. I have printed off leaflets and read them through to him but I still don't think I'm getting through to him. There have been occasions where I have gotten upset and angry (mainly due to sensory overload) and he has done his best to make me feel safe and calm. I have currently been waiting since July to get some help from the NHS in regards to my mental health as it has been slowly deteriorating, my GP says that I will get some therapy sessions. I was wondering what everyone thinks about me taking my partner to one of the sessions? I think it might help if I have a professional who knows how to explain it better than I can. Thoughts? Please!
  16. Every person expresses and feels love/affection differently. There is a theory that puts the ways of feeling/expressing love into 5 types. Description of the 5 types The Five Love Languages quiz click "Discover your Love Language" My Scores 12 Acts of Service 9 Quality Time 6 Words of Affirmation 2 Receiving Gifts 1 Physical Touch The way to my heart is to wash all my dishes for me!! XD
  17. ponz

    Alpha/Beta Test

    Just a random test to have fun with! ^__^ Click here. It's not an 'absolute fact' test, but more of a 'theory about people that some person came up with' test, so don't worry if you don't like your results!! Also, despite the link name and book title, this test isn't just for women. All can take it!!! You are Lime Green: 32% Mid Alpha 36% Mid Beta You are a hybrid of Mid Alpha and Mid Beta. You are easygoing, and with your good relationship skills, you can create an equal, compatible relationship with someone like yourself (Lime Green). Since both of you tend to shy away from confrontation, this safe, secure partnership would have only a low degree of conflict. However, because you are a hybrid, you have several more challenging options (Red, Yellow, Green). With any of these matches, you would be the nurturer and your partner would be the leader. You might have to develop a little more Alpha so that you can occasionally push back. The results make sense for me. ^.^
  18. I am not sure this is the proper forum. If not I will not be offended if it gets moved. But, are there any clingy, or mushy gushy, touchy feely aspies out there? I don't like being touched by strangers, but when I become close to someone, I crave the clingy social interaction. With animals it's relatively simple because most of them will put up with it at the least, and enjoy the attention at the best. With people it's a completely different matter. My wife, diagnosed with MS, constant pain from piriformis, which may be ms related and may not, constantly fatigued from school, lyme disease, ms, etc. doesn't like any affection, and she is the neurotypical one. Occasionally she will come sit in my lap or accept a hug from me but I feel like I am constantly being kept "at arms length" from her. The children all are relatively the same way as their mother, with two general exceptions (two of them will allow me to give them a hug good night or will occasionally playfully punch me in the arm or gut as they walk by). On the rare occasions that I do establish a close friendship with someone, I keep myself at arms lengths because I don't want to scare them off with misconceptions about expressed familiarity. With the exception of my wife, my desire for affections are purely platonic, non-sensual. Yet, I feel as if they are rather out of place with the rest of the world, and even the aspie community from what little i've read on posts of others, (a different forum of course). I think this might be part of why I am at such a loss without Bonnie. She was very affectionate and perfect sized for cuddling. Her kisses were not too slurpy and not to stingy. She would let me nibble her ears, blow raspberries on her neck or tickle her belly and would simply be happy about it. I don't think I ever saw her angry, fed up, or irritated with me. Am I an oddball yet again within a community that I otherwise would fit with?
  19. Is it just me or is it normal for an aspie or autist to see nothing wrong with loving more than one person or being in lasting relationships with more than one partner? That person don't have do sleep with anyone at all in a polyamorous relationship. I believe that while society doesn't like people to sleep around at random, I'm also a believer in caring about more than person. I don't like sacrificing all my loved ones for one mate. That backfired on me in the last relationship I was in.
  20. Hi everyone - I'd love some help/reassurance with a recurring issue in my relationship. As you might be able to guess, I'm currently in the throes of this issue right now. Background: We are mid-to-late 30-somethings. We've been together for 18 months. He has Aspergers. I am a highly empathetic person with depression/anxiety disorder and a bit of a history of emotionally messed up relationships. I'm in therapy and take meds. Some of his behaviors have confused me and made me feel sad, unloved, or emotionally crappy (again, working on it in therapy). Once I was given the information that he has Aspergers, my perspective changed and our relationship improved. I'm not good with abandonment and radio silence. Without notice, my boyfriend will occasionally disappear. When we are in a loving space, he will tell me in advance that he's going quiet. Not so much at the moment. The Issue: We discussed having our first vacation together and he told me when we could go and I took the time off 2 months in advance. We both have traveled the world solo many times so a trip together is a big deal for both of us. Over a few weeks, I made it through his declarations that he was feeling pressured to make plans, that he refused to talk about the trip, and, ultimately, his spontaneous bouts of brainstorming vacation spots. 1 Month to Go: I declared that there was no way I was being stuck in town and gave him 2 weeks to figure out if we were going to go on our first vacation together and, if he can't commit by that date, I'm going to leave town with my friends who are renting a house. 2 Weeks to Go: He still wouldn't commit and told me to "do what you have to do" (pretty passive aggressively). So, I purchased a ticket to go away with my friends. I told him but I said I was flexible (granted I should have been clearer and specified I meant 1 or 2 days of flexibility - not the whole 5 days). 1 Week to Go: He surprised me with having purchased supplies for a trip 12 hours away and booked a hotel. I was taken aback! I said that I’d already made plans, which he knew, and why didn’t he tell me he was making purchases and reservations? He pointed out that I said I had said my plans were flexible. After his grouchiness and my shock/anger dissipated for the most part, we had a lovely afternoon. For some reason I felt compelled to ask “is this my only chance to go away with you”? (yeah, needy to ask) He said (possibly joking) - “yes. this was it”. Multiple times over the day. That got me super duper anxious, since I’ve been asking for us to go away together for 6 months. (And he has a tendency to make declarations that it takes forever for me to get him to drop.) 4 Days to Go: Over the past 3 days I’ve sent something like 20 emails and texts. (I know this is over the top and clingy. My anxiety was totally getting the best of me.) The first one explained why I needed him to plan in advance and that having some sort of plan calms me. In a very kind and thought out way. It also explained that I was anxious about the idea of me screwing up our only test-vacation chance. Then I tried to track him down and pushed him to tell me if he had really planned the trip or he was just saying it, and, if so, I would try to get the money back. Then I got the option to get the money back, informed him, but I needed to know right away so I could find my friend another way to get to the beach. (I also sent our normal jokey forwards and such, which accounts for the bulk of those emails.) Note: He has a tendency to go radio silent for a few days. It drives me crazy. I fall into self-loathing and/or hating him. Status: We are now 2 days away from the trip. He has not responded to any of my emails. I’m an anxious wreck. I love him when things are good. Really love him. We have amazing, amazing days of laughing and romance and intellectual stimulation. But when things are like this, it feels so painful. Question: I know I MUST not contact him. That’s a given. But I want to know, is this disregard for my needs somewhat normal? Is this avoiding planning a familiar trait? Should I just nix this? What else jumps out at you when you read this? Should I just give up the ghost and get out?
  21. Do we need a section on the forum aimed at couples on the spectrum? We could have an area especially for those people who are going through relationship difficulties who could maybe bring their partners to the forum. This could help them to communicate their needs better while doing it in an environment where extra ideas could be offered by other forum members (i.e. couples could offer advice and expertise to other couples who maybe need it and vice versa) This would help people on the spectrum in relationship difficulties by including their other half. That way we get to see the real-time issues as there is often two sides to every story. Let's hear what their partner's think and feel in response to the difficulties. Do they even know there are problems? Do they know the other side to their partner through forums such as this one? Whenever any couple has a problem they could create a new topic just for them and just work at it in an environment where social body and facial language constraints are not such a problem. Such a section could also be inspirational to others who might seek out dating relationships in the future.
  22. Bruce


    From http://www.safe-services.org.uk/ : "What is domestic violence and abuse? Any violent, abusive or controlling behaviour by someone close to you - usually a partner or an ex-partner or a family member – is domestic violence and abuse. The abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or financial. It can include bullying, threats, humiliation and isolation – you can experience domestic violence and abuse without having broken bones or bruises." Really? 'Any controlling behaviour is abuse'? But telling somebody else what is abusive/ controlling, etc, is also controlling! If that is 'appropriate' sometimes, the definition needs clarifying. For most of my socialising, for instance, any obvious bullying wouldn't have been tolerated by anybody around for it, so it would have to be more subtle. In face, for my adult social life, nobody can decide if I was bullied or not! I can't be the only Aspie who finds it difficult to tell, if it's not blatantly obvious & this is an issue that won't go away. So, when we aren't dealing with obvious bullying (rude names, blatant threats, violence, etc), how do we even tell, please?
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