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I am so happy i found this forum. Here is a little history about me My mom, ever since i was little, thought i was mentally different and on the autism spectrum. When i was seven i was diagnosed with adhd and dyslexia ( so please excuse my spelling errors,) But ever since i was 7/8 i have been on a steep hill down with my depression. By 13, well, i was so depressed i cant even remember that year. That was also the last partial year of "normal" school i did, due to bullying, I moved, and was instantly diagnosed at 14 with depression, Severe OCD and anxiety. Things were going better. I was off track in school, but i was a little happier. The next couple years passed, and my mental doctors, psychiatrist and therapist, Soon werent helping at all. I started having manic breakdowns and suicidel thoughts. They just kept getting worse and worse, and earlier this year, i was admitted to the hospital for overdose. That is where, at 18 , i was diagnosed with Aspergers. I have gotten worse since i got out, but i also got a job. A job which i left earlier today due to my second breakdown over it. I regret it, but i dont feel it is good for me anymore. Anyway, there is my story. Happy holidays
Its strange to talk about how i feel to people coz its like my words are translated into another language and i end up feeling misunderstood. Anyways.. Since ive started to study what asperger means and how it described lots of problems ive had growing up, in family life and school and other social situations , it has felt like a dead end. I appreciate that the diagnosis exist and that people are communicating about it, but i dont know how i should find my own way, without being stressed by the outside world, and how to find and accept some kind of position in life. Im not stupid, i try so many things but it doesn't give me the manual i need, i cant stand the psychosocial values and ways of the world, its like the all i believed in growing up ive now understood arent real or any good. But totally isolating me makes me anxious, even though id like to be able to be unattached. I think about death almost every day, how it would be easy if there were any gun around (which there ain't) to just end it, it dont want to destroy my familys life and my best friends life that way, but i cant help thinking about it. Its like i dont have the energy and know-how soul in my skull that should be there, that others seem to have. Ive tried at some times in my life to self medicate, with alcohol, or/and stimulants and benso, but drug abuse have always hurt me and made me more sick than helped, it only helped at some points for temporary motivation and focus to connect to others, but it never lasted. So i gave it up about 6 months ago. Now all i have is meditation which clears my head from the worse, and my apartment to keep clean. I dont go to school anymore and i havent tried small jobs around anything yet. I get enough money to live on, coz of having the diagnosis (some lucky ones gets it that way in sweden). I dont care about earning more money coz theres nothing I could buy that would fix anything. Could someone tell me about finding some peace with aspergers and how to accept a kind of secure loneliness, not trying to fit in where you cant, and how to activate some motivation in life and discover positive sides of aspergers. Thanks..
As the title says, I just want to get this off my chest and into writing somewhere I don't know anyone personally in real life. I took an overdose last night. It wasn't planned, it wasn't necessarily to die, I just couldn't stop myself because I was so far gone into a panic attack. I've come home from university for a few days to recover, my dad came and got me from the hospital. It still hasn't hit me, I'm still off the planet, I don't really know what's going on. But yeah, just wanted to get it out there.