Jump to content
Bongo

Relationship Preference (As And Non-As)

Recommended Posts

the strangest man

Twenty fifth wedding anniversary coming up 17th December, wife most certainly off the spectrum though we've only know I'm on it for the last nine months. From my experience it's not the prospective wife to be worried about, it's the kids that may follow! NT or AS their behaviour will be off the normal adult spectrum by the age of two :-) And neither chocolate nor roses will pacify them when they get to eighteen and think daddy's car is available for driving lessons, and he kindly declines.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

My husband is NT but has a few AS traits - and it is those aspects of his character that attracted me to him. He seemed a lot different to other men I'd met. He is very tolerant of me and my quirks, another guy would have given up long ago.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
the strangest man

My husband is NT but has a few AS traits - and it is those aspects of his character that attracted me to him. He seemed a lot different to other men I'd met. He is very tolerant of me and my quirks, another guy would have given up long ago.

Nesf,

I'm sure your husband is a very lucky man. The girls I have met on the spectrum have without exception been some of the kindest I have ever met, honest and kind to a fault.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aspiesw

I think I'd prefer to date an aspie right now to be honest. I need someone that understands me right now. I feel misunderstood by everyone

Edited by aspiesw

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sofi

I've had a relationship with an Aspie and with someone lively to have mild learning difficulties. The other person who nearly became my girlfriend was probably NT but seemed close enough to being Aspie. It would be interesting to try an AS-NT relationship but probably haven't experienced it yet. I would take the person as they are. Either were compatible or were not. Aspie-Aspie relationships can be awkward when traits clash, if one person needs more support than most partners would, but the other is less able to give that support than most partners would be.

How could I Learn about relationships? I really want to learn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InsomniaDreams

I don't understand what a relationship is or what it entails from my point of view tbh. If I was in a relationship I'd be the last one to know I was in one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Heather

I'm in a relationship with a man with AS, though I have no experience with any other man, so I can't compare.  Though I know that I would have had a lot of trouble meeting anyone else, especially in person.  With my Chris I was able to talk to him and get to know him and form a solid friendship before we started our relationship or met in person, which was really good for when we did meet in person.  It's a much more relaxed way of meeting someone.  I think that people who have AS or autism should not limit themselves only to someone else who has it, though I think that they will likely end up with someone who at least has traits of AS/autism.  And I think that relationships between autistic individuals are awesome!  But of course I'm biased.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
King_oni

. I would prefer if they were on the spectrum too but much higher functioning than me so they could take control of situations and help me out.

 

This somewhat sums up my relationship right now.

 

The risk you have with this is that the relationship turns into some kind of babysitting effort if your partner isn't somewhat grounded. I'm actually having situations where I think my girlfriend is just trying to take the easy way out and let me do it; I don't remember her ordering food at any place if we're together... yet she's perfectly fine doing groceries and ordering food if she's alone.

 

That's where I sometimes wonder about her and how far she is on the spectrum, or at least makes me believe.

 

Also, and this is a major issue for me and something worth thinking about; she still lives at her parents place (well, so do I) but I do make my own choices for pretty much everything and thus if something comes up I obviously have no clue what went on with her. It tends to turn talks about her stressing out over things really redundant and not moving forward since I can't give her any actual advice or support where it is due. On the other hand, I don't want to be her caretaker either, I don't want to be involved with each and every thing she has going on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FlanMaster

1) as previously stated, traits in common do not necessarily equate to a compatible match

2) NT does not equate to "ability to tolerate/cope/adjust/handle/accept". etc.

3) as far as relationships go a person's traits may lend to the success or failure of a relationship, but they will never be good qualifiers.

 

The only reason my NT wife and I are still together is pure stubbornness, we're both too stubborn to quit.  Through that we have moved past the physical infatuation into a true form of love, if it is a bit quirky.   Honestly, neither of our needs are being met right now, with her in school and me struggling with depression from not having steady income, etc.

 

Her needs are heavily security oriented, all of which revolve around me earning substantial finances.  My needs are more emotional, all revolving around companionship issues such as doing things together (and enjoying them, etc.), hugs, kisses, physical reassurance that we are still a team, etc.  She is too tired and undesiring of the reassurances I crave.  I am unable to accommodate the security things due to the lack of income, which is exacerbated by my quirks and difficulty I have "whoring myself out" to the public in order to gain customers.  Something I have to overcome sooner than later.

 

My wife will never go out and find a full time standard job as she is adamant in her belief that it is "the man's role" to provide financially for the family and the "woman's role" to raise the children and manage the household.  I will probably never have one again as I no longer live in an economy where I can bypass the human resources computerized screening process by finding someone and sharing my work with them.  Computers can be a good thing, but with the automation of the employee screening process, coupled with the "personality tests" they give, I have effectively been hidden from every potential employer out there that would give me a chance if they got to know me in regards to my work skills, and abilities.

 

thus, my relationship, the woes and hardships therein are exacerbated by my AS issues, and complicated by her "moral beliefs" in man versus woman roles, but the continuation of our relationship is not based on our commonalities, or her being NT or my being AS.  It is continued simply because we are two individuals who believe that once we have made a commitment of such magnanimous proportions, we do our best to follow it through, and when we fail, we try again.

 

Ours is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we continue to try, which is more than I can say for many relationships today.

 

So it boils down to whether or not you have the tenacity to make a relationship work, and whether or not the partner you chooses also has the tenacity to make it work.  NT or AS become completely irrelevant.

 

If you don't have the ability for things like physical intimacy, or supporting your partner emotionally, then you're going to need to find a partner who doesn't need those things, which will be rare to find someone who can both give you what you need, while not needing you to give them something in return.  That kind of ability to sacrifice is usually developed slowly over time, and rarely comes up front.

 

One of our acquaintances is the wife in a marriage.  She absolutely hates physical intimacy, but she gives it to her husband because she knows that is important to him.  She tolerates it because he provides her encouragement and support in the areas that she needs it.  They have grown into a mutual understanding, and if either became unable to fulfill their end of the relationship, the other would accept the sacrifices needed to make the relationship continue, I am confident of this based off of what I have seen and heard from them.  However, had this woman gotten married then said "hands off" to his advances, after he waited so patiently while they dated, I am sure he would have gotten the marriage annulled right away.

 

Relationships are not just having someone to care for you, they are a burden and a sacrifice on your part that you need to be aware of and willing to commit to before going into one.  Screen the person carefully before becoming involved.  Not whether or not they are AS or NT, but whether they will demand something of you you are not willing to give (s e x for instance, being touched, kissed, cuddled, and more, AND reciprocating in a fashion gratifying to your partner.).  What if your potential partner wants to go out every friday night to crowded dance bars?  Can you handle it?  can you deal with the confusion, the noise, the clutter, the claustrophobia? 

 

What about when you want to take it to the next level.  Assess yourself before wanting a relationship so much.  See if you have what it takes to overcome your quirks in order to succeed.  Can you deal with morning halitosis, rolling over to have your sleeping partner exhale poop breath onto your face?  Can you cope with seeing him or her scratching his or her butt crack WITH A HAND, snorting and farting all the way to the bathroom, where S/he may or may not wash his/her hands after wiping his/her poopy bottom? 

 

Body smells are a real turn off for me, but I learned how to turn off my olfactories for situations that required me to have my nose near an offending area.  Can you handle kissing someone who has eaten something that you find offensive?  (garlic or onions, or oysters, or some thai food that smells like an unwashed body part of one region or another).  what about someone that likes being kissed "all over"  kissing the back may sound innocuous, but trust me, if they have been exercising/working hard/sweating all day, odors waft up quickly and your mind may go from "back" to "butt" in a very quick and unpleasant fashion.  can you block this out without running to the bathroom, gagging, threatening to hurl?

 

Some have mentioned in another thread how certain types of touch are offensive, even from your partner.  Are you willing to overcome this or do you think you should be accepted, as is, no warranties expressed nor implied, while expecting your partner to accommodate your "needs"?

 

When considering all of this, it becomes more about whether you, with AS can be successful, than whether you prefer AS or NT in your partners, as both AS and NT's vary widely, but NT's vary to a much greater extent than those with AS.

 

With AS you can rest assured you will get someone who is bound to be offended at something about you.  With NT you have no idea what you're going to get, and rarely is it "for the good" in and of itself. 

 

What makes anything good is when 1) you are willing to commit and work, and 2) your partner is also.  Then it can be the best, even if you both argue about stupid things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Toran

However you meet or whoever it is will be down to the people you are. Being NT or Autistic has nothing to do with a relationship its if there is an attraction and the two personalities. Don't think ahead as in who you would like to meet just take life as it is and when you do you will find the right person. Maybe not straight away but eventually and don't try too hard putting pressure on yourself won't help either,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.