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Relationship Preference (As And Non-As)

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Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. It is not the thing that defines you as a person. 

When or if it happens then so long as you are both happy then the working out of who has what and how ought not really matter.

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DominikaCupcake

I think that a relationship between two aspies doesn't necessarily has to be succesful. I'm in a relationship with a neurotypical guy and i'm happy with it, because he understands things in a different way than i do and can explain things to me that i don't understand which makes my life easier. Through our relationship (which is also a great friendship) i learned more about people's facial expressions and feelings. Sometimes it seems more like babysitting than relationship and sometimes it's difficult to be with me and stand my behaviors, but i wouldn't be happier with anyone else.

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Mike_GX101

When considering all of this, it becomes more about whether you, with AS can be successful, than whether you prefer AS or NT in your partners, as both AS and NT's vary widely, but NT's vary to a much greater extent than those with AS.

 

Such a thing can only really be gauged over time, and that of course, means you have to give it a go to find out.  Where some might fail many others will succeed.  It is often a game of probability where the more one tries the more chance they are of succeeding.  Never under-estimate the strategy of trial-and-error.  If you fail, learn from it and try again.

Edited by Mike_GX101

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FlanMaster

Such a thing can only really be gauged over time, and that of course, means you have to give it a go to find out.  Where some might fail many others will succeed.  It is often a game of probability where the more one tries the more chance they are of succeeding.  Never under-estimate the strategy of trial-and-error.  If you fail, learn from it and try again.

 

Agreed, but you can assess yourself based off your experiences.  You can determine whether or not you will be willing to step outside of your comfort zone to make a relationship succeed.  By diligent self-examination, you can take steps to prepare, increasing the chances of success within the relationship, unless of course you are completely unwilling to modify yourself for the sake of others, and this too is good to know, and share with a potential partner, before entering into a relationship.  Preparation aids success.

Edited by FlanMaster

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Mike_GX101

Agreed, but you can assess yourself based off your experiences.  You can determine whether or not you will be willing to step outside of your comfort zone to make a relationship succeed.  By diligent self-examination, you can take steps to prepare, increasing the chances of success within the relationship, unless of course you are completely unwilling to modify yourself for the sake of others, and this too is good to know, and share with a potential partner, before entering into a relationship.  Preparation aids success.

 

Agreed.  But comfort-zone awareness only comes from experience.  Often that kind of experience only emerges when one leaves home.  Preparation of course aids success as we see in nature.  For example birds build nests high above the ground where they accommodate their young until they are ready to fly.  Some are not quite ready but get pushed.  It is a daunting process but with it comes the experience to navigate zones of comfort that had not originally been experienced but which subsequently turn out to be well within the means of the budding individual.  Unless that push happens though one will never experience their capacity for success as they will forever be too frightened to try.

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Nesf

This somewhat sums up my relationship right now.

 

The risk you have with this is that the relationship turns into some kind of babysitting effort if your partner isn't somewhat grounded. I'm actually having situations where I think my girlfriend is just trying to take the easy way out and let me do it; I don't remember her ordering food at any place if we're together... yet she's perfectly fine doing groceries and ordering food if she's alone.

 

That's where I sometimes wonder about her and how far she is on the spectrum, or at least makes me believe.

 

Also, and this is a major issue for me and something worth thinking about; she still lives at her parents place (well, so do I) but I do make my own choices for pretty much everything and thus if something comes up I obviously have no clue what went on with her. It tends to turn talks about her stressing out over things really redundant and not moving forward since I can't give her any actual advice or support where it is due. On the other hand, I don't want to be her caretaker either, I don't want to be involved with each and every thing she has going on.

 

I also do what you said your girlfriend does, and when I'm at a restaurant prefer to let my NT husband do the ordering, etc, and to organise things. It's not because I can't do them, it's because it takes an effort from me to concentrate on doing them and to overcome my feelings of fear, I feel anxious because I find it all a bit awkward and if I can get away with another person doing these for me who can do them better, then i will. I'm very passive. I can be independent, but i have to put a lot of effort into it, because it involves overcoming anxiety, and feelings of being awkward and inadequacy.

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FlanMaster

Agreed.  But comfort-zone awareness only comes from experience.  Often that kind of experience only emerges when one leaves home.  Preparation of course aids success as we see in nature.  For example birds build nests high above the ground where they accommodate their young until they are ready to fly.  Some are not quite ready but get pushed.  It is a daunting process but with it comes the experience to navigate zones of comfort that had not originally been experienced but which subsequently turn out to be well within the means of the budding individual.  Unless that push happens though one will never experience their capacity for success as they will forever be too frightened to try.

 

And with the increased complexity of the human family structures versus birds or other animals, there are ample opportunities to "practice".  It doesn't always happen, but the opportunity is there.  As a child, I was infatuated with a distant cousin.  In school I found attraction to specific individuals.  At home I learned, harshly due to the dysfunction of my home, to step outside of my "comfort zone".  There are families that will try to guard or protect their young, smothering the chances they have to grow, and this is unfortunate, but by and large, We are intelligent creatures, and we can look at ourselves and say "am I willing to take a chance and put up with things that cause me great stress?"  If we are, then we need to practice.  If we are not, then we need to practice.  If we will not practice, then we need to practice.

 

A simple example: several types of noises drive me absolutely crazy.  One is metal scraping, on either teeth or other metals, or certain ceramics (plates, etc.)  This makes meal times an extreme challenge for me.  It even makes cooking a challenge for me.  I can use one of my favorite crutches, wooden and plastic utensils, to cook and eat with, but the plastic is bad for the environment, and the wood is not always practical, especially when going out.  I have found that I can "dampen" sound by "flexing" my tongue muscle and throat muscles in a particular way that blocks the tubes going from the ears to the throat.  I can also, when doing this, gently click my back teeth together to create sound vibrations in my jaw that interfere with the external sounds that assault my senses.  I mentioned that I found that I have the ability to close off my olfactories.  It's done somewhat similarly but with less complexity, this blocks out smells and some food tastes that I find offensive.  I have learned to eat foods that make me want to gag, just to accommodate the social situation.  I find, when doing my "sound dampening" ritual, that it is more forgivable to constantly ask people to repeat themselves, than it is for me to get up shivering and shaking like I have bugs all over me, running out of the room with my hands over my ears screaming "God help me I can't stand it!" People just don't understand that 2nd reaction to a fork scraping their teeth or ceramic plate, or metal bowl.  I have found it is easier to eat food in a manner that deadens my taste buds and smell than it is to ask forgiveness from refusing to eat and having to explain that the smell brings to mind images of an unwashed disease infected buttox, or that the taste makes me think of the odor of foot fungus.

 

My point is, do we have the willingness to change in order to make it work, do we have the willingness to "tough it out"?  if so, then we need to practice within what we have, given the complex nature of human family structure, before going out into the world, expecting everyone to meet our needs while refusing to meet everyone else's needs.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared. 

 

Humans get better at wars and conflicts with experience, but they rarely succeed going into war completely blind, untrained, unprepared.  How, then do you prepare for war if you don't have the experience?  you rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you.  You practice fighting with your colleagues, you step outside of your "comfort zone" in a safe setting that is designed to facilitate "practicing".  Nothing can prepare a warrior for emotions that accompany taking another life, except taking another life, but the motions, disciplines, training, skills, can all be obtained before that unfortunate time occurs.

 

It's better to practice the platonic things that will be needed in a relationship before you become involved in one.  Learning to tolerate touch, learning to do for others.  Learning to control your meltdowns (finding coping mechanisms,etc.) 

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Mike_GX101

And with the increased complexity of the human family structures versus birds or other animals, there are ample opportunities to "practice".  It doesn't always happen, but the opportunity is there.  As a child, I was infatuated with a distant cousin.  In school I found attraction to specific individuals.  At home I learned, harshly due to the dysfunction of my home, to step outside of my "comfort zone".  There are families that will try to guard or protect their young, smothering the chances they have to grow, and this is unfortunate, but by and large, We are intelligent creatures, and we can look at ourselves and say "am I willing to take a chance and put up with things that cause me great stress?"  If we are, then we need to practice.  If we are not, then we need to practice.  If we will not practice, then we need to practice.

 

A simple example: several types of noises drive me absolutely crazy.  One is metal scraping, on either teeth or other metals, or certain ceramics (plates, etc.)  This makes meal times an extreme challenge for me.  It even makes cooking a challenge for me.  I can use one of my favorite crutches, wooden and plastic utensils, to cook and eat with, but the plastic is bad for the environment, and the wood is not always practical, especially when going out.  I have found that I can "dampen" sound by "flexing" my tongue muscle and throat muscles in a particular way that blocks the tubes going from the ears to the throat.  I can also, when doing this, gently click my back teeth together to create sound vibrations in my jaw that interfere with the external sounds that assault my senses.  I mentioned that I found that I have the ability to close off my olfactories.  It's done somewhat similarly but with less complexity, this blocks out smells and some food tastes that I find offensive.  I have learned to eat foods that make me want to gag, just to accommodate the social situation.  I find, when doing my "sound dampening" ritual, that it is more forgivable to constantly ask people to repeat themselves, than it is for me to get up shivering and shaking like I have bugs all over me, running out of the room with my hands over my ears screaming "God help me I can't stand it!" People just don't understand that 2nd reaction to a fork scraping their teeth or ceramic plate, or metal bowl.  I have found it is easier to eat food in a manner that deadens my taste buds and smell than it is to ask forgiveness from refusing to eat and having to explain that the smell brings to mind images of an unwashed disease infected buttox, or that the taste makes me think of the odor of foot fungus.

 

My point is, do we have the willingness to change in order to make it work, do we have the willingness to "tough it out"?  if so, then we need to practice within what we have, given the complex nature of human family structure, before going out into the world, expecting everyone to meet our needs while refusing to meet everyone else's needs.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared. 

 

Humans get better at wars and conflicts with experience, but they rarely succeed going into war completely blind, untrained, unprepared.  How, then do you prepare for war if you don't have the experience?  you rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you.  You practice fighting with your colleagues, you step outside of your "comfort zone" in a safe setting that is designed to facilitate "practicing".  Nothing can prepare a warrior for emotions that accompany taking another life, except taking another life, but the motions, disciplines, training, skills, can all be obtained before that unfortunate time occurs.

 

It's better to practice the platonic things that will be needed in a relationship before you become involved in one.  Learning to tolerate touch, learning to do for others.  Learning to control your meltdowns (finding coping mechanisms,etc.) 

 

Thankfully I don't suffer with over-sensitive hearing.  I know most cats do though, even when they're asleep.  Owls too have highly-sensitive hearing.  Some humans do too.  Perhaps it's an evolutionary thing.  Sadly more and more things in our environment create humming noises or sharp noises such as refrigerators, TV's and microwaves.  Perhaps technology will send our evolution in the opposite direction eventually and hearing will be dampened to accommodate our new technological environments.  Those who have high-sensitivity to noises will just have to grin and bear or at least use ear plugs/filters.

 

But yes by all means - training goes with anything.  Take sea surfing for example.  Learners will not try to surf through the Hawaii Big Pipelines for very obvious reasons - i.e. the risks would be too great.  Those kinds of waves are only risked by the very best.  There is serious risk for both the learners and the experts but the difference is the experts can manage those risks.  They will know little nuances that can increase their chances that the learners won't know.  There may even be virtual surfing training programs that a learner can try without risking serious life or limb.  Then one day they go out and can sea surf like the experts!  But clearly the experts would have had to try a real one at some point, hence overcoming their comfort zone by taking a risk.  But one can only do that when one is comfortable enough and has trained sufficiently in the first place.

 

Some birds are late to fly and maybe some end up abandoned and have no one to push them.  But intelligent creatures adapt and after a bit of trial-and-error most will fly eventually.  Learning is a matter of time and patience and when one is ready, or when one is forced to confront beyond their comfort zones, many will succeed.  Thankfully human living isn't as all-or-nothing as bird-life and so thankfully failure simply means more practice and eventual success.  But life is all about trying.  To try is to live. 

Edited by Mike_GX101

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Toran

Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. It is not the thing that defines you as a person. 

When or if it happens then so long as you are both happy then the working out of who has what and how ought not really matter.

You need to be ego free and focus on the love and not be materialistic for this to be a reality.

You only have to look at how many solicitors who work on divorce to see how far we are towards achieving it.

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L Lawliet

I don't think my other half is an Aspie. He so sociable and a real people person. He said that one of the things he loves about me is that I'm quite quirky, which he now thinks is probably some of my Aspie traits :P Aside from my best friend, I've never met anyone so understanding and accepting of who I am. Even when I have little freak out moments, I don't scare him off :)

 

I've dated people in the past who were very complicated and socially awkward people. Remembering back, I think my ex was getting tested for Asperger's when we broke up.

 

My mind is never calm and my personality is so unpredictable, I find that when I'm with someone similer or the same as me in that sense, we clash. When I'm in a bad place, I focus on myself because I need all of my strength just to pull through difficult times so I don't spiral into serious depression. This means that I don't focus on other peoples issues at the time, because I can't deal with my problems and theirs. It sounds selfish, but I have to think of myself so I can pull through. Being with someone with my issues or worse would just frustrate me because I don't know how to take care of other people like that.

 

I have absolutely no doubt that dating a fellow Aspie has more advantages than disadvantages because of the mutual understanding of each other. But I know for me, having a NT as a partner keeps me grounded and actually, I've learnt a few social skills from him too.

 

So both has benefits I think :)

 

(As you've all probably noticed from other threads, I'm a fence sitter! Which is probably annoying, but I'm soooooo indecisive :huh: So sorry about that! Ahaha!)

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