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zeeme

Getting pushed away by aspie gf at times

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zeeme

I repeatedly keep getting pushed away by my aspie gf. Normally when she's upset or something has happened that's upset her. I'm trying to help as best i can, but just end up upset myself because i get pushed away for no reason.

A few times after i got pushed away i just wanted to walk away without saying anything so she might realise how it's upsetting me or so she realises that i've been hurt by her. as it's really upsetting and it does hurt. but i've never walked away as i didn't want to upset her further...

what do you suggest next time this happens or any ideas as to why she pushes me away all the time?

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Willow

Are you trying to touch her, like to cuddle her as is the instinct of most people when someone they love is upset? It might be that she can't stand to be touched when she is upset, and so is physically pushing you away. 

 

Have you asked her why she pushes you away? If not, maybe do it in writing, so that she can write back in her own time without you being around waiting for an answer. It might be hard for her to talk directly to you about that kind of thing.

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L Lawliet

I don't push my boyfriend away as such but I do tend to shut down a little and go a bit mute. He wants me to talk about things but sometimes I deal by bottling up my emotions, which I think is frustrating to him sometimes.

 

I like to just be left and I never mean him any harm by it. Most of us just don't open up and I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but I feel that sometimes opening up is a sign of weakness and it can leave me feeling very vulnerable. I can't explain my feelings anyway so that's frustrating to me too

 

I wouldn't just walk away from her because she may not understand it and it will most likely upset her more. Have a sit down with her and ask her how you can help when she gets like this. My other half just says things like you know where I am if you need me and that's it. I know he's there, he knows it's nothing to do with him and not to take it personal and we carry on.

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Sofi

Everyone is different; you will need to try to get her to tell you what she wants you to do when she is upset in that way, probably by writing.

If I had a relationship or with anyone and I am upset or having a meltdown, and if I push them away it probably means I want them to leave me alone completely for a while. I just get more stressed if someone is around me and talking to me and touching me, I wouldn't be upset if they walked away I'd be pleased but it's never anything personal. You will have to try not to take anything personally.

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Kuribo [old account]

You definitely need to talk with her about what she wants you to do when she's upset. Things can become very overwhelming for Autistic people when stressed, and our senses can perceive things as being far more intense than they actually are. What you would consider a friendly or caring gesture when done to you could potentially be physically painful for her. You need to figure out exactly what it feels like to her and what you should do when she's upset.

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Nesf

I agree with the other posters that she either doesn't like to be touched, or it's a bit too much or overwhelming when she's upset, and wants to be left alone for a while. You could ask her if she wants to be alone ofr a bit, or tell her "I'll be in the X room if you need me" and talk to her about what upset her when she's calmed down.

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MrGrey

We like to be left alone.  And by "alone" I don't mean that you leave the house... Is more like, "don't bother me, at least not right now".  It doesn't necessarily means she's upset.  Maybe she's just doing some heavy thinking, and you are interrupting.   Like others said, find a way to let her know you are there and wait for her to go to you.

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zeeme

Are you trying to touch her, like to cuddle her as is the instinct of most people when someone they love is upset? It might be that she can't stand to be touched when she is upset, and so is physically pushing you away. 

 

Have you asked her why she pushes you away? If not, maybe do it in writing, so that she can write back in her own time without you being around waiting for an answer. It might be hard for her to talk directly to you about that kind of thing.

 

erm...maybe a few times i tried to cuddle her or put my arm around her yes. but there's been times where i've not tried to touch her and she just keeps walking away from me...upsets me and makes me want to leave.

 

I don't push my boyfriend away as such but I do tend to shut down a little and go a bit mute. He wants me to talk about things but sometimes I deal by bottling up my emotions, which I think is frustrating to him sometimes.

 

I like to just be left and I never mean him any harm by it. Most of us just don't open up and I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but I feel that sometimes opening up is a sign of weakness and it can leave me feeling very vulnerable. I can't explain my feelings anyway so that's frustrating to me too

 

I wouldn't just walk away from her because she may not understand it and it will most likely upset her more. Have a sit down with her and ask her how you can help when she gets like this. My other half just says things like you know where I am if you need me and that's it. I know he's there, he knows it's nothing to do with him and not to take it personal and we carry on.

 

yeah..i get that feeling that she doesn't want to open up as she might end up getting hurt. but surely she knows me well enough to know i wouldn't hurt her..?

 

Everyone is different; you will need to try to get her to tell you what she wants you to do when she is upset in that way, probably by writing.

If I had a relationship or with anyone and I am upset or having a meltdown, and if I push them away it probably means I want them to leave me alone completely for a while. I just get more stressed if someone is around me and talking to me and touching me, I wouldn't be upset if they walked away I'd be pleased but it's never anything personal. You will have to try not to take anything personally.

 

but it's never your other half that's done anything wrong?

 

You definitely need to talk with her about what she wants you to do when she's upset. Things can become very overwhelming for Autistic people when stressed, and our senses can perceive things as being far more intense than they actually are. What you would consider a friendly or caring gesture when done to you could potentially be physically painful for her. You need to figure out exactly what it feels like to her and what you should do when she's upset.

 

physically painful?

 

I agree with the other posters that she either doesn't like to be touched, or it's a bit too much or overwhelming when she's upset, and wants to be left alone for a while. You could ask her if she wants to be alone ofr a bit, or tell her "I'll be in the X room if you need me" and talk to her about what upset her when she's calmed down.

 

ok thanks...i'll try it!

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HalfFull

I was in relationship with an Aspie female and she didn't like to be physically comforted when upset and it was often hard to know if I had created it or not. Maybe best, let her know that you are there and ask at 10 minute intervals how she is now feeling. Try to stay in the room but if thats not OK with her, then tell her you'll be in the next room. Then when shes better ask her if she wants to talk about it, and tell her that if she wants a chat later you'll be ready to listen. If she doesn't want to discuss/acknowledge it, maybe say that you don't want to pressure her but that you worry about her when it happens.

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L Lawliet

I consider my self to be thoughtful to others when I can be, like I'll look after my friends when they're down and do really nice things for my boyfriend or family...

 

But when I'm in a bad place, I am number one. I can't think about anyone else because I have to look after myself before I am any use to anyone else. For my own wellbeing I just have to shut down occasionally. It's not that I don't care about other peoples feelings, I just can't handle other peoples emotions on top of mine

 

If your girlfriend is anything like me, then that's what she's doing. She needs to sort her head out before she can even think about anyone else. She's not doing it on purpose, she just needs the space. But you can still let her know you are there without making her feel claustrophobic.

 

Of course your feelings are important and it can't be easy, but it's nothing personal to you :) As above posts, try not to touch her and when you get a chance, have a conversation of some kind with her about what she wants from you during these times and let her know you support her.

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