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Willow

Ranting

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AutismUnrestricted

I've heard this before. That people think negatively about themselves and think they don't deserve much if anything and I don't understand it. I don't have that much experience with having a grudge against myself. But it seems it's not as simple as that judging by your post. If a grudge was the only issue then that's pretty clear how that can be resolved. But your issues go beyond that so just talking about how to approach getting rid of a grudge isn't going to do the trick (not that there's so much to say about that anyway).

 

What you describe reminds me of when I had OCD where for the longest time I was stuck in this situation and I had trouble getting out of it regardless of me consciously "knowing better". OCD is a serious problem. You've got a serious problem too.

 

I'm reminded of people from the Westboro baptist church who brainwashed their kids into "believing" certain things and these kids remained twisted well into adulthood. Maybe something similar is going on with you where you were "programmed" a certain way in your youth and you need to "unprogram" that.

 

Don't really know what else to say. Good luck solving these problems.

I dont have a grudge against myself. I haven't done anything wrong. I have never hurt anyone. Instead I implode on myself and self destruct when anyone else hurts me. It comes from my non existent self esteem, I am happy and comfortable to let people walk all over me. It makes me panic to try and find or be myself. I am working on it though and I will get through. I know I will. I dont care if it takes me all my life. I will defeat the pathetic losers who condemned me to a lifetime of misery just so they could feel powerful for a minuscule amount of time. They are pathetic and inadequate and I will beat them and have a great life.

 

I dont have OCD and I'm not brainwashed.

@AutismUnrestricted. Please don't ever blame yourself for what those monsters did to you, it was not your fault, you didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it.  You were the vulnerable child who should have been loved and looked after and instead you were mistreated.  Don't let the monsters win, you are far better than them and you deserve to be happy and have the life you want.  You are not hideous and you have a loving husband.  Make the most of your life together and free yourself of the self hatred, instead just think to yourself that you are entitled to the life that they stole away.  They are the hideous ones and you did nothing wrong.  Go and get the help that works for you, you need it and you deserve it and be happy. :)

Thanks, I will not let the monsters win. I will have a happy life no matter how hard it is.

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AutismUnrestricted

I know about medication is hard, it took some time to find the right medication for me. I know about bad physical side effects, but I don't think it's for everyone and talking therapy is useful too. It would be good if you could find someone who you could talk to about it like a counceller just.

Remember it's not your fault, you do deserve to be happy. You are who you are, not what happened to you.

Thanks Sofi.

 

I really like: "You are who you are, not what happened to you"

 

My experience with councilors has not been great. I feel you and some other people on this forum to be much better and more helpful than a qualified councilor.

 

I prefer the forum to a councilor for the following reasons:

1. I am in the comfort of my house and safe whilst sharing my feelings and not exposed face to face with someone who doesn't really care.

2. My colleague's parents were councilors and they were dreadful with no morals or scruples. I know everyone is different and not all councilors are the same but I still want to avoid them if I can.

3. As you might have guessed, I have a major issue with people in authority, a) because my childhood and part of adult life was destroyed by people in authority and In my experience people are only driven to be in authority for themselves and don't really care about another person. Most of them feel inadequate inside but instead of looking inside and working on their issues, they invest all their time and energy into 'Looking' like they have got it together and giving advise to others when their own life is a sham.

Edited by AutismUnrestricted

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AutismUnrestricted

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly being held back? From anything? For instance from moving on in life, modern society hasn't caught up to your imagination, making friends, getting a job, etc. In my mind, nothing is impossible. But reality is such a letdown!

Yes, I feel like that all the time. I have so many creative ideas however I feel like I live in a dead world run by Zombies who are happy if you don't create a fuss and look like you are fine. 

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AutismUnrestricted

I hate myself. And everyone around me.

If ever I try to help people, I always ruin everything.

People take an instant dislike to me for no reason.

This is evidenced by the fact that I am harassed by strangers on a daily basis.

I wish I could end it all, because my life is defined by the concept of hatred. I do not love anyone or anything. I am incapable of it. I am a bad person, and I don't even care. Trying to be "nice" is an action of futility.

I can relate to you. Sometimes I wonder if this is hell and things can only get better from here.

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Willow

I apologize for moving this thread so soon after making it, but I think for everyone's peace of mind/whatever, it would be better in the member only section, which is where I've moved it, but I'll leave the link to it for a while.

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annalise_fox_ford

I feel so alone at school sometimes I have a friend but she basically likes to hang around with these other people and I get left out so  i walk around the school and the thing that annoyes me the most is that she KNOWS that i possibly have aspergers but it's so awkward now we used to be really close but now we hardy talk at all.  I do want to tell her that the friendship isn't really working anymore but I am actually really scared as I won't have anyone really 

sorry if this has offended anyone 

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Saveyourscissors

Sorry to hear that Annalise, perhaps the fact that she leaves you out is her showing her true colours. It's sounds like she's not deserving of your friendship and you would be better off without her! It's her loss not yours!

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Peridot

I dont have a grudge against myself. I haven't done anything wrong.

 

 

My fault was that I trusted people and thought they loved me and cared about me. I blamed myself for the abuse and felt guilt and shame throughout my life. I have an active core of self hatred and I actively seek to destroy my life in every way I can. I shouldn't feel better because I'm so hideous that I don't deserve it. The self hating part of me that wants me to be a recluse and die young. I'm responsible for my abuse and hence don't deserve to be happy.

 

 

 

Grudge   n 1. a persistent feeling of resentment, esp one due to some cause, such as an insult or injury

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Peridot

I hate myself. And everyone around me.

If ever I try to help people, I always ruin everything.

People take an instant dislike to me for no reason.

This is evidenced by the fact that I am harassed by strangers on a daily basis.

I wish I could end it all, because my life is defined by the concept of hatred. I do not love anyone or anything. I am incapable of it. I am a bad person, and I don't even care. Trying to be "nice" is an action of futility.

 

I was watching this the other day:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eea22UIY1M

 

And here's one of the comments:

 

In many ways suicide is the only rational response to having to be alive. It solves every problem you have or ever will have. The world is a heinous and despicable place filled with cruel, manipulative mendacious beings called people. To escape from them is the highest good.
 
I don't agree with that but I can see how someone can descend into a frame of mind like that as some people really are cruel, manipulative and mendacious and one does need to escape from them. But I'd suggest moving to a nicer city before doing anything rash like kicking the bucket.

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Kuribo [old account]

I feel so alone at school sometimes I have a friend but she basically likes to hang around with these other people and I get left out so  i walk around the school and the thing that annoyes me the most is that she KNOWS that i possibly have aspergers but it's so awkward now we used to be really close but now we hardy talk at all.  I do want to tell her that the friendship isn't really working anymore but I am actually really scared as I won't have anyone really 

sorry if this has offended anyone

I'm sorry to hear that Annalise. Unfortunately, it just sounds like insecurity and a lack of consideration on her part. I had a "friend" who pretty much did the same thing, and was also insecure to the extent of changing his body language, accent and opinions around different people.

It may sound harsh, but people like this simply aren't worth trying to deal with. Don't be mean to her, but don't feel obliged to put in any effort, because she sure as hell doesn't.

Honestly, I don't think high school is a good place to try and make friends. People are so caught up in their little cliques and in fulfilling a learned desire to conform to the behaviour of the masses.

Do you know if there are any social clubs for people on the spectrum near you? I've had far better luck making friends at these places and from the sounds of things, you're a little more confident than I am.

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