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aspiesw

[Sensitive] Feeling really depressed

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aspiesw

Ok, so I'm about to open up about my issues, that I never tell anyone. So I haven't seen my little brother for 2 years, he lives with his mom (we have the same dad) and I've been trying to see him for the last few months, through my dad, who doesn't live with him, who keeps saying "I'm speaking to his mom about it, I'll get back to you" which he never does, so I have to keep chasing him, he lives with my little sister as well, who I see occasionally, but I have to keep chasing him and it feels pointless. I'm going into my final month at Uni, my Dissertation's a mess, my grades are dropping, my workload keeps piling up, I'm beginning to doubt whether my career path is the right one, I'm studying web design, but I want to be a train/bus driver, because that's what I'm passionate about, I'm starting to realise I'm gonna be bored out of my brain when I leave. My friends, in that no-one knows about my love for trains and buses, it's something I've kept quiet my whole life, and no-one really knows, that's why I go all the way to Manchester, so I can be myself without being spotted, I feel so pathetic. I'm a transvetite, more secrets in my ever growing closet, I get the urge to crossdress every now and again, but once again, no-one knows, so I can't really do that, instead I suppress it in certain ways, so much so that I think I'm becoming a sex addict. I only do (contracted) 8 hours of work a week, and soon I won't have student finance to help me out or Uni to go to, do I'm gonna be really bored and just feel as depressed as I do now. I could literally go downstairs and grab a knife and start cutting, but I simply don't have the courage, the only reason I haven't done anything drastic is because of my mom, I couldn't bare the thought of hurting her, but I need help and fast. I have Uni in a couple hours, I've never felt this depressed, I'm not really sure what to do, I'm scared of doing something stupid

Edited by aspiesw

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jenny.wren76

They say don't make any major decisions within a 6 month to 1 year time frame when going through major changes in your life. Hurting yourself is a major decision

that you can't take back so don't do it! It does sound like you'll have to make some decision after you graduate but just make the simplest one you can.

You could cross the pond and visit us over here- we don't care what you wear or how many trains you ride. :)

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Whoknows

Finish university and drive the train.

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InDubioVeritas

I am so saddened to read of your struggles and pain.

It is immensely brave of you to open up and ask for help. Many do not, and the result is almost invariably bad. For that alone, I commend you.

You mention hiding aspects of who you are - the urge to cross-dress and the passion for trains/buses. I can only counsel you to try to let go of whatever shame or fear is preventing you embracing these parts of yourself. There is absolutely nothing shameful or wrong with either. Keeping such secrets is a cancer eating away at your sense of self and self-worth.

You can ask your university for more time if you need it.

If driving a train or a bus is what will make you happy, then you can do it. They would be privileged to have someone with a genuine passion working for them. There is nothing to stop you creating websites in your spare time or at some later date.

If you worry you might hurt yourself, please do whatever you can to seek help. I have been there, and it is not easy to navigate such treacherous waters, but tomorrow is always a new day.

If I can help or you need someone to talk to, please do feel free to message me.

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spiderwoman0_2

I'm sorry you feel so bad and it is very brave of you to share your inner self.  If I were you I'd try and finish Uni, no one says you have to become a web designer, maybe you should look into what is needed to be a train or bus driver.  Cross dressing is fine by me, I like to see men in women's underwear and stockings (Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture show.........very nice :D) there you see, I've just let out my closet thing ;).  Is there any way you could confide in your mother, do you think she could handle it?  You might feel better if you let out all your secrets, would be a big weight off your shoulders.

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Guest Chris

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate - so much going on that tackling any/all of it feels insurmountable, which is keeping you down.

 

I'd start with what I recommend to anyone that feels like they're in a rut - your health. Get lots of sleep, eat healthily and try to do some exercise. You might think "I don't need all that shit, I have work to do", but I promise it's sage advice (advice I haven't been following myself for the past month or two, which I suspect is why I've been feeling fairly negative lately... fixing that, as of this week :)).

 

With that out the way, I think you need to try and get yourself organized. Just one more month to go at uni! You've worked too long and too hard to let yourself down now. Aside from your health, make it your priority and get the work done - I'm not trying to dismiss the other things you've mentioned, I just think that keeping busy and focusing on your work will mean not only that it gets done (since it is time-critical!), but it'll take your mind off the situation with your family for the time-being. 

 

As for your career, it's never too late to change. You'll find plenty of stories of people online that have moved in to web development (or design) in their 40's/50's without too much trouble. Don't worry about it! You clearly know what you'd like to do (for the time being). Find out more about those career paths if you haven't already - I saw a post on the Pistonheads forums a while back where someone shared the link to some trainee-train-driver apprenticeships (found it! was a while ago now though...) on offer. They're rare, but they'll come around! I don't know how you'd get into bus-driving. You could take some sort of private-HGV lessons, to see if you think you could handle driving a large vehicle.

 

Not to deter you (this only just occurred to me), but could you handle the full days of social interaction that come with being a bus driver?

 

Fully agree with all the posts before mine - not making rash life decisions light-heartedly/quickly, be yourself, etc. I'd urge caution when it comes to sharing your transvestism. Whilst I (and many others) are completely open-minded towards it, people can (obviously!) be extremely mean and judgemental. I don't want you to make things harder than they already are for yourself (especially not now)... it's maybe something that would probably be easier to tackle when you're feeling a bit better. Obviously that's your call though, we're all here for you whatever you decide!

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Ben

I want to be a train/bus driver, because that's what I'm passionate about

 

Would you travel down to London? There's a trainee job going with FCC at London Kings Cross:-

 

http://www.cv-library.co.uk/job/200826638/Trainee-Train-Driver?s=100226&utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed

 

 

 

Edit; They have EIGHT openings! I'd get in there if I was you. 

Edited by Ben

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L Lawliet

Sean I've sent you a message on fb x x x

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aspiesw

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate - so much going on that tackling any/all of it feels insurmountable, which is keeping you down.

I'd start with what I recommend to anyone that feels like they're in a rut - your health. Get lots of sleep, eat healthily and try to do some exercise. You might think "I don't need all that shit, I have work to do", but I promise it's sage advice (advice I haven't been following myself for the past month or two, which I suspect is why I've been feeling fairly negative lately... fixing that, as of this week :)).

With that out the way, I think you need to try and get yourself organized. Just one more month to go at uni! You've worked too long and too hard to let yourself down now. Aside from your health, make it your priority and get the work done - I'm not trying to dismiss the other things you've mentioned, I just think that keeping busy and focusing on your work will mean not only that it gets done (since it is time-critical!), but it'll take your mind off the situation with your family for the time-being.

As for your career, it's never too late to change. You'll find plenty of stories of people online that have moved in to web development (or design) in their 40's/50's without too much trouble. Don't worry about it! You clearly know what you'd like to do (for the time being). Find out more about those career paths if you haven't already - I saw a post on the Pistonheads forums a while back where someone shared the link to some trainee-train-driver apprenticeships (found it! was a while ago now though...) on offer. They're rare, but they'll come around! I don't know how you'd get into bus-driving. You could take some sort of private-HGV lessons, to see if you think you could handle driving a large vehicle.

Not to deter you (this only just occurred to me), but could you handle the full days of social interaction that come with being a bus driver?

Fully agree with all the posts before mine - not making rash life decisions light-heartedly/quickly, be yourself, etc. I'd urge caution when it comes to sharing your transvestism. Whilst I (and many others) are completely open-minded towards it, people can (obviously!) be extremely mean and judgemental. I don't want you to make things harder than they already are for yourself (especially not now)... it's maybe something that would probably be easier to tackle when you're feeling a bit better. Obviously that's your call though, we're all here for you whatever you decide!

My current job is mostly social interaction, so it's just an aspect of the job I'd have to deal with I guess :/

Would you travel down to London? There's a trainee job going with FCC at London Kings Cross:-

http://www.cv-library.co.uk/job/200826638/Trainee-Train-Driver?s=100226&utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed

Edit; They have EIGHT openings! I'd get in there if I was you.

Thank you Ben. I'd jump at the chance to work for First, I'm gonna apply for it. It starts in September as well, which would be perfect - have the great summer and then jump into work... Not getting ahead of myself though, lol Edited by aspiesw

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Nesf

Firstly, I think you should be more open about your love of trains. There's absolutely nothing wrong with, or to be embarrassed about, and no need to supress it. I know a lot of people who really love dogs or cats, and talk about them a lot - liking trains really is no different. It's part of who you are. Whatever your educational background is, you could still retrain (forgive the pun) to become a train driver or engineer.

 

Secondly, being open about cross-dressing is a bit more tricky, but again it's a part of who you are and supressing it is not healthy and not doing you any good. Is there a group, society or club of some sort for gay people at the university? If there is and you are not already a member, it might be a good idea to contact them and talk to them about it, they may put you in contact with others who feel the same way who will be able to help you and advise you.

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