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Hearing voices

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史越瀚

That's a nice way to describe it.  Typically, when I imagine what it would be like to hear voices, I think it would be scary. (I don't hear voices btw, but I do debate things with myself sometimes)

But when you describe it, it reminds me of when I used to play long, drawn-out stories with my toys alone as a child.  I kind of wish I could still do that, actually.  I didn't feel lonely, then. 

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Providence Freedom

It started one day when we were locked outside in the backyard. Not sure what time of year. I was about 5? It was hot. I was playing with some other kids when they noticed that I was repeating back what they were saying under my breath to myself. I tried to stop but I couldn't. And when it stopped being vocal it started as just an internal dialogue. It became a thing I could not control, except for not saying it out loud. I hear notes to no song in particular repeating in my head like a broken record. Being around Wifi Intensifies this and getting away from it makes it stop almost completely. Cannot say why because I do not know? I have insomnia because I cannot stop the voices of all who have hurt me, taken advantage of and wronged me. I forgive them, to make them stop,  but they are still there taunting me, telling me it is all my fault and I should have known better than to trust them. I now trust no one. I am single again after trying for almost 20 years to make it work with one special person who coincidentally has a borderline personality disorder. Great combination huh? I am better off alone. I am always on guard and worried that someone is going to steal from me or hurt me in some unexpected way. This is how I have coped with all that. And there is no medicine or substance that makes it stop. Weed helps. But it is just a band aid. Diagnosed with Bi Polar with Manic mania. Asperger with a spectrum of autism. I chalk these disorders up to vaccines. being drunk in the womb from my mother, environmental issues and the insulting and horrible world we live in. I am 51 now and I have had to learn to just live with this and tell NO ONE. I was always the target of bullies at school and in the workplace. I was always an easy target because of my big heart. I wanted friends so much!  But I do not respond correctly to social cues...

Thanks for listening. 

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