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legsbluetrain

[Sensitive] Anyone ever been a target for sexual harassment?

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legsbluetrain

Reason I ask is because due to me not talking about my private life openly with others cause them to ask me if I had done any thing or what I have done.Sometimes I get asked about my relationship status,especially by inmates,which is none of their business,then the inmates pry and pry and pry into my life.I had it bad in school and sometimes on the job.People need to realize just because people don't talk about certain aspects in their lives doesn't make okay to even ask about them.

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jenny.wren76

I am female, so it seems obvious to me that I have been sexually harassed. I don't think it happens nearly as often with males, but I know it does. Are you a guard? Just wondering why you have inmates bothering you.

Lots of people love having power over other people, and if they see that they are bothering you that makes them feel powerful, and like they are taking away your power. Lots of people think that rape is about sex, but it's not (except date rape can be)- it's about having power over another person, and violating them. I think the same can be applied to sexual harassment in lots of cases. If you can figure out how to be armored in a way that their comments aren't getting to you, then they will not have that power over you any more (the power of making you uncomfortable). I mean, they are being awful, crass, demeaning jerks and that IS bothersome, but if you can just accept that's just how they are, and it's not anything to do with you personally- they just treat people that way and focus on people who respond in a way that they like (like prey), then maybe you can let it roll off your back. Don't give them any ammo, and when they are acting that way, don't think of them as people- because they aren't good at being people when they behave that way. Think of them as the monsters they are, and just think, "Oh, that's what monsters do- they don't know any better or they wouldn't be inmates to begin with" and get on with what you're supposed to be doing. Or you could act like they are acting, and start with the "I had sex with your mom last night" jokes, when they ask if you've done xyz say, "Yeh, but your mom didn't like it" or "Yeh, when your mom asked me to". Doing those jokes could either get them to stop seeing you as a victim, or it could possible backfire so be careful with that. I'd try the mental armor first.

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Nesf

Someone once peeped at me in a changing room, which was very unpleasant.

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Sofi

Yes......

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Rocco

Yes. At one time I had a severely broken and mangled hand. I was a construction electrician but could not work. The only job I could land was a cashier at a video store. Then I learned its a porno store. Then I learned it had booths in the back. I was never allowed to go back there. I never even saw it. They had people who worked back there. Anyway, a week after starting I realized the majority of customers were gay. I was often harassed and propositioned for sex and various acts. Meh. One time this guy was bugging me and I didn't really understand. I have trouble sometimes understanding motives of others. I had to go out some videos back and he came up behind me and pressed himself onto me. I kinda freaked out, and tossed that creepy old fu<ker out the door.

Also in the Navy out at sea people would be quite harassing and teasing at times. Unfortunately only Agression/ violence stopped that. It quite ruined my experience and outlook.

Outside of those jobs job I never had any serious sexual harassment. Being a guy I feel sexual harassment is ugly and usually effects females.

It is always unacceptable.

I never discussed my personal life with inmates when I worked in the base jail. I think some people talk this was to establish a rapport or buil friendships. I have had people question my preferences and status before, but never really felt it wa a type of harassment.

Inmates however, no info for them at all.

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legsbluetrain

I am female, so it seems obvious to me that I have been sexually harassed. I don't think it happens nearly as often with males, but I know it does. Are you a guard? Just wondering why you have inmates bothering you.

Lots of people love having power over other people, and if they see that they are bothering you that makes them feel powerful, and like they are taking away your power. Lots of people think that rape is about sex, but it's not (except date rape can be)- it's about having power over another person, and violating them. I think the same can be applied to sexual harassment in lots of cases. If you can figure out how to be armored in a way that their comments aren't getting to you, then they will not have that power over you any more (the power of making you uncomfortable). I mean, they are being awful, crass, demeaning jerks and that IS bothersome, but if you can just accept that's just how they are, and it's not anything to do with you personally- they just treat people that way and focus on people who respond in a way that they like (like prey), then maybe you can let it roll off your back. Don't give them any ammo, and when they are acting that way, don't think of them as people- because they aren't good at being people when they behave that way. Think of them as the monsters they are, and just think, "Oh, that's what monsters do- they don't know any better or they wouldn't be inmates to begin with" and get on with what you're supposed to be doing. Or you could act like they are acting, and start with the "I had sex with your mom last night" jokes, when they ask if you've done xyz say, "Yeh, but your mom didn't like it" or "Yeh, when your mom asked me to". Doing those jokes could either get them to stop seeing you as a victim, or it could possible backfire so be careful with that. I'd try the mental armor first.

I have warned some inmates and a coworker about sexual harassment.I am a corrections officer at a prison.I have also had the problem  of sexual harassment in school.

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turkey_steve

I was in the navy too.  The best defense is often to be offensive.

 

Unfortunately, it turned into a bad habit, and I am often chastised for being a sexual harrasser.  It's not intentional, not to the depth I take it.

 

A couple weeks ago I was chastised for telling a girl (an upfront dyke,) that her butt looked good in those jeans.  I said I liked how the beer she'd been drinking had all gone to her ass.  Then I noticed her love handles and second chin had also gotten alot fatter.  When I saw her reaction, and understood that the comment had been taken as a jibe for being fat, I knew my attempt at seduction had failed.  It got me in trouble, and often does. 

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Miss Chief

Yeah I have been sexually harassed, I think most people have to one degree or another to be honest.

 

I don't think people asking questions is necessarily harassment though, if you are uncomfortable with talking about your private life I am sure you can say that it is private/personal or none of their business.



A couple weeks ago I was chastised for telling a girl (an upfront dyke,) that her butt looked good in those jeans.  I said I liked how the beer she'd been drinking had all gone to her ass.  Then I noticed her love handles and second chin had also gotten alot fatter.  When I saw her reaction, and understood that the comment had been taken as a jibe for being fat, I knew my attempt at seduction had failed.  It got me in trouble, and often does. 

 

I don't understand... Why would you try to seduce someone who is openly a lesbian? 

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Pharaoh_G

Though I wasn't fondled by men, I have been hit on before by men while walking on the street. When I got away from my mom as a teen, a guy asked me if I want to perform oral sex on him. I just walked off. While I was pursuing my MFA in Atlanta, a guy was trying to flirt with me and thought I was 16-17. Now that's some pedo type stuff! I was 23-24 at the time. Luckily, my classmate got me out of situation and walked with me back to class.

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Miss Chief

Though I wasn't fondled by men, I have been hit on before by men while walking on the street. When I got away from my mom as a teen, a guy asked me if I want to perform oral sex on him. I just walked off. While I was pursuing my MFA in Atlanta, a guy was trying to flirt with me and thought I was 16-17. Now that's some pedo type stuff! I was 23-24 at the time. Luckily, my classmate got me out of situation and walked with me back to class.

 

That reminded me of my driving instructor... After I passed my driving test and he was driving me home he asked for a blow job... I just laughed and said no, but it was funny how he must have been waiting until he knew it was the last time he would see me before he asked! His wife was crazy jealous too... I remember I wasn't allowed to text him or anything I had to phone to speak to him direct if I needed to rearrange a lesson (not me specifically but all his female students). Please note I was well over 17 when I finally got around to doing my driving test (think I was 23 or 24).

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Nesf

I just remembered something unpleasant... when I was 17 I went for a swim in the local pool by myself, and a boy I met there by chance offered to walk me home. I said yes, thinking that I had made a new friend, and when we got to the middle of the park he started to try and kiss me. I pushed him away and started to panic, shouting. Luckily at this point he saw it prudent to leave me alone. I can't remember what happened after that, but I was scared. I never told anyone about the incident. I was lucky, this could have turned out a lot worse. I was very naive and trusting at the time.

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Nedarb

A girl who I really liked in high school and hung out with a lot, was having problems with her boyfriend. She was upset about a recent fight and I thought that hugging her would comfort her and calm her down. Nope! She punched me and told me to f off. I tried to explain to her that I was just trying to be her friend.  But she wouldn't hear any of it and stormed off. I haven't spoken to her since and that was 6 years ago

 

Does this count?

Edited by Nedarb
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legsbluetrain

Yeah I have been sexually harassed, I think most people have to one degree or another to be honest.

 

I don't think people asking questions is necessarily harassment though, if you are uncomfortable with talking about your private life I am sure you can say that it is private/personal or none of their business.

 

I don't understand... Why would you try to seduce someone who is openly a lesbian? 

Well,sometimes just simply asking a personal question at inappropriate times can be considered sexual harassment.

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Miss Chief

Well,sometimes just simply asking a personal question at inappropriate times can be considered sexual harassment.

 

No I don't think asking a question is ever sexual harassment. It can be awkward or inappropriate but I don't think it is harassment. Even asking someone out isn't, it's a question therefore you have options/choices you are to some extent in control.

 

I suppose there is one possible exception to this and that would be if the person asking is in a position of authority over you... your boss for example but even then I think you can say no even if you should perhaps be a little nicer in how you do it, for example explain that you think it could lead to complications because you work together.

 

I don't think my driving instructor was sexually harassing me when he asked that question, I think he was out of order but I had the option and indeed I did say no, and the issue was dropped. Had he put his hand on my knee/thigh or some such then that would be wrong since I wouldn't have had the choice before the action was taken.

 

For me personally harassment is when someone takes a liberty, i.e. they grope you without your consent.

 

To be honest and perhaps this is cause I am a little older but I can certainly remember lads smacking my butt or such and it wasn't meant to be a threatening or even a sexual thing, more or a flirt/tease, I'm not saying I especially enjoyed it but it wasn't what I would have called harassment, of course people know not to do such stuff these days.

 

Perhaps this is a personal or even a generation thing, I grew up in a world where you had to deal with this kind of thing, where it was almost second nature to divert someone's attention elsewhere, or even to throw it back on them. It seems to me that these days people are so careful in how they behave that there is no natural banter back and for. I'm not even sure how couples get together if they meet at work these days!

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not THAT old but I have always worked in a male dominated environment and as much as I might be one of the lads most of the time I don't have the figure for it and some lads are always going to try it on, what is more because I am socially awkward one of the ways I deal with people (and I do this with women as well as men) is I put on a flirty persona, it is a way of being friendly and getting people to help you out/get something done (I'm thinking specifically about work here) if I just ask someone to do something say via email, they will but it won't be top of their list but if I make a point of going over and being nice and smiling and asking nicely if they would do me a huge favour, they will probably do it much quicker, I have just found my work life is much easier if I use this persona. It sounds really manipulative when I write it out like that and it isn't it is just that people are more inclined to help someone who is nice and equally helpful to them.

 

I guess for me it comes down to how I feel in a situation, if I feel like I have no choice or no way out then I feel that I am being harassed where as a question would never make me feel that way I would just say no and move on, or perhaps even say yes... I guess it depends who is asking and what they are asking ;) 

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jenny.wren76

No I don't think asking a question is ever sexual harassment. It can be awkward or inappropriate but I don't think it is harassment. Even asking someone out isn't, it's a question therefore you have options/choices you are to some extent in control.

 

I suppose there is one possible exception to this and that would be if the person asking is in a position of authority over you... your boss for example but even then I think you can say no even if you should perhaps be a little nicer in how you do it, for example explain that you think it could lead to complications because you work together.

 

I don't think my driving instructor was sexually harassing me when he asked that question, I think he was out of order but I had the option and indeed I did say no, and the issue was dropped. Had he put his hand on my knee/thigh or some such then that would be wrong since I wouldn't have had the choice before the action was taken.

 

For me personally harassment is when someone takes a liberty, i.e. they grope you without your consent.

 

To be honest and perhaps this is cause I am a little older but I can certainly remember lads smacking my butt or such and it wasn't meant to be a threatening or even a sexual thing, more or a flirt/tease, I'm not saying I especially enjoyed it but it wasn't what I would have called harassment, of course people know not to do such stuff these days.

 

Perhaps this is a personal or even a generation thing, I grew up in a world where you had to deal with this kind of thing, where it was almost second nature to divert someone's attention elsewhere, or even to throw it back on them. It seems to me that these days people are so careful in how they behave that there is no natural banter back and for. I'm not even sure how couples get together if they meet at work these days!

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not THAT old but I have always worked in a male dominated environment and as much as I might be one of the lads most of the time I don't have the figure for it and some lads are always going to try it on, what is more because I am socially awkward one of the ways I deal with people (and I do this with women as well as men) is I put on a flirty persona, it is a way of being friendly and getting people to help you out/get something done (I'm thinking specifically about work here) if I just ask someone to do something say via email, they will but it won't be top of their list but if I make a point of going over and being nice and smiling and asking nicely if they would do me a huge favour, they will probably do it much quicker, I have just found my work life is much easier if I use this persona. It sounds really manipulative when I write it out like that and it isn't it is just that people are more inclined to help someone who is nice and equally helpful to them.

 

I guess for me it comes down to how I feel in a situation, if I feel like I have no choice or no way out then I feel that I am being harassed where as a question would never make me feel that way I would just say no and move on, or perhaps even say yes... I guess it depends who is asking and what they are asking ;)

"Hey baby, I bet you like to have your **** *****, don't you? Yeah, you like that, I can tell by how you're blushing." Then making up an inappropriate nick name for you based on what they said to/about you, and calling  you that every time they see you. Spreading rumors about you based on that one "interaction", telling lies saying that they've done x with you when they haven't, etc. Those are not instances of actually being touched, but they are menacing, they are harassing and that crap is not okay.

 

Being groped is physical assault, not "just" harassment. Constant sexual banter  is sexual harassment, telling sexual jokes, and just talking about sex can be sexual harassment.

 

It may be socially acceptable amongst males to behave that way, but that doesn't mean that people should condone it or play along.

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Miss Chief

Dunno people have always spread rumours about me, I don't like it but they aren't all of a sexual nature and I don't see there is much I can do about it so I tend to ignore it, someone once gave me the nickname 'Randy' based on rumours but it didn't stick.

 

I have generally found that people who claim to have done stuff with me that never happened tends to come back and bite them.

 

I honestly don't have an issue with talking about sex or banter. But as I said I have always worked/hung out with guys so I imagine I would have a problem if that kind of thing bothered me. To be honest I don't understand why sex is such a taboo topic. 

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Miss Chief

"Hey baby, I bet you like to have your **** *****, don't you? Yeah, you like that, I can tell by how you're blushing." 

 

Also that isn't really a question he isn't really intending you to answer, and although they guy sounds like a jerk I think I would respond with something like "not very likely you are ever going to know what I do and don't like is it mate" and I imagine he would leave it alone at that point, people like that rarely like it when the tables are turned.

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jenny.wren76

I just Googled "Sexual harassment definition" and this came up:

 

sex·u·al ha·rass·ment
noun
noun: sexual harassment
  1. harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks.
     
     
     
    I'd say that's pretty clear, and though one person may not be bothered by such comments that doesn't mean that it isn't harassment. I personally do not feel safe around men who make such jokes, talk about such things. They are already violating my space by broaching an intimate subject in an inappropriate setting with a person without their prior consent to such a conversation. If they are okay violating my personal mental space, then I do not trust that they aren't comfortable violating my physcial space or assaulting me. It's just not appropriate for someone in a professional setting to bring up sex- unless it's part of their job (sex ed, sexual therapist, counselor, etc.).
     
     
     
     
     

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Miss Chief

But that is just, it in my experience unless someone is a jerk they wouldn't talk about stuff like that unless the person they are talking to is comfortable with the topic.

 

I am comfortable with it so it has never been an issue but I know that guys who would talk about it with me will not talk about it when another person who is not comfortable or who's feelings on the matter are unknown is around.

 

People at work talk and it isn't just about the job, you get lulls where there isn't very much to do or the part of the job you are doing doesn't require your full attention and people tend to chat in those lulls. People don't always talk about the work sometimes they talk about things they enjoy, I might talk about a computer game I am playing or a book I am reading. If I work a night shift where there is generally very little to do and you are there just in case something major goes wrong, it is talking to your co-workers that keeps you awake and alert. You will usually cover a number of topics and sex or banter will just be one of them.

 

I don't think that it is reasonable to assume just because someone is comfortable talking about sex that they are likely to assault or rape someone... I have certainly never assaulted or raped anyone and I am comfortable discussing sex. Having said that I wouldn't tease or even pursue a conversation with someone who was clearly uncomfortable, however you usually have to touch on a topic in order to discover it is uncomfortable/out of bounds.

 

The guy in your example sounds like a jerk and a bully, I'm not saying his conduct is in anyway acceptable I'm just not sure I would call it sexual harassment, would you feel any differently had he used your body shape or the way you dress?

Edited by Miss Chief

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jenny.wren76

But that is just, it in my experience unless someone is a jerk they wouldn't talk about stuff like that unless the person they are talking to is comfortable with the topic.

 

I am comfortable with it so it has never been an issue but I know that guys who would talk about it with me will not talk about it when another person who is not comfortable or who's feelings on the matter are unknown is around.

.

 

I don't think that it is reasonable to assume just because someone is comfortable talking about sex that they are likely to assault or rape someone... I have certainly never assaulted or raped anyone and I am comfortable discussing sex. Having said that I wouldn't tease or even pursue a conversation with someone who was clearly uncomfortable, however you usually have to touch on a topic in order to discover it is uncomfortable/out of bounds.

 

The guy in your example sounds like a jerk and a bully, I'm not saying his conduct is in anyway acceptable I'm just not sure I would call it sexual harassment, would you feel any differently had he used your body shape or the way you dress?

I can't even begin to understand your last question/comment, so I'm not even going to respond to it other than this sentence.

 

I have had quite the opposite experience then, with men. I have very good reasons for not trusting men, based on repeated experiences and I'll just leave it at that. Good for you if you haven't had those experiences, no one should have them. Unfortunately many people do. And just because lots of women laugh it off in the situation that doesn't mean they didn't feel harassed.

I understand banter, I just think that sexual banter is always out of place in a professional setting. The responsibility shouldn't be put on the person who's uncomfortable, it should be on the people who are starting the conversation. I shouldn't have to wear a sign that says, "Hey, my sex life is private and I don't want to talk about it with you or hear about yours or your neighbors either so stuff it!" in order to not be subjected to lewd comments, and no one else should either.

I know that people chat at work, but when the 'in' group or the majority group is talking about things that make one person feel uncomfortable that person is NOT likely to speak up for fear of becoming a target, or fear of endangering their job, etc. That is true regarding lots of things, sexism, racism, ableism, etc.

 

I think it's wrong to tell someone who is saying that they found x behavior harassing that they are not actually being harassed and that the problem is their perspective and not the behavior of the people doing the harassing.

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Miss Chief

I'm sorry but I didn't tell anyone they were or weren't being harassed. You didn't even say that such a thing had happened and I assumed it was an example not a actual event. Even if it was I am not sure how running to a manger and starting a formal complaint would actually be productive in the long run.

 

We will always come across people who we dislike or who's opinions/attitude differ to our own or even are offensive to us. Some people on here are offended by the idea that halal products are available in shops, others are offended by the first group of people.

 

I have been harassed on more than one occasion as I clearly stated earlier in this thread but it was a lot worse some some passing comment/question or even rumours, all of which I have dealt with or ignored. The worst case was a manger who pursued me and made my work life a living nightmare when I wouldn't give him what he wanted. He demoted me, although he didn't reduce my wages since I hadn't done anything to deserve a demotion. I ended up getting ill and eventually after a hell of a lot of damage I left the job. He even had the nerve to friend me on Facebook recently.

 

At the end of the day banter by it's very definition requires two or more people to participate, no one is making you take part, if others are having a conversation within your hearing you don't like then ignore them or enter the debate and make your point, you will either convince people of your point of view or perhaps you will see it from their point of view, at the very least they will know your feelings on the topic.

 

People will always say or think things that you don't like or agree with, people are entitled to do that. There are almost always people who I work with who I don't get along with, I just don't talk to them unless it is work related. If I hear something I don't like I will either say something or I will ignore it as none of my business if it isn't directed at me. 

 

To try and say that sexual banter has no place in the work place you would have to also say that discussions about religion/racism/sexism even politics shouldn't happen, people are also entitled to talk about their opinions, if we go back to the days when we were not supposed to even talk about this stuff then we go back to the time when terrible things happened and people got away with them because of the shame of the victims.

 

At the end of the day the vast majority of my social encounters happen at work... I have Aspergers and so I don't generally socialise unless I have to that means that work is the main place where I encounter people who are not my immediate family. This is where I learnt how to blend in, where I learnt how to interact with other adults, if the world was the way you want it I would still think sex was a dirty little secret that I should be ashamed of.

 

What is more I don't usually talk about my personal life or indeed my sex life, talking about sex doesn't have to mean talking about your own personal experiences/likes/dislikes.

 

However banter is not what was mentioned in your example and as I said (without knowing more about the situation) I would say that the person in that example was out of order.

 

I won't be replying again I have no interest in getting into a personal argument these forums mean too much to me to risk losing them because someone see's something differently to me.

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legsbluetrain

Yesterday at work,I saw the actress Kelita Smith from Bernie Mac on a movie,I said to the inmates who it was & what show she played on,then this particular inmate asked me would I f--- her,I walked out the barracks & closed & locked the door without saying anything.

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legsbluetrain

Had one person that works with me see me come in late,she asked me why i was laste,my girlfriend kept me up late

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legsbluetrain

After a fight in my barracks,I was trying to lock an involved inmate's box,couldn't find the hole,inmate started talking about me not finding the hole on a woman,but I didn't respond,& he quickly backed off

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legsbluetrain

Sexual harassment affects male & female,young & old,single,relationship,engaged,& married,straight & gay.It affects everyone.

Yes. At one time I had a severely broken and mangled hand. I was a construction electrician but could not work. The only job I could land was a cashier at a video store. Then I learned its a porno store. Then I learned it had booths in the back. I was never allowed to go back there. I never even saw it. They had people who worked back there. Anyway, a week after starting I realized the majority of customers were gay. I was often harassed and propositioned for sex and various acts. Meh. One time this guy was bugging me and I didn't really understand. I have trouble sometimes understanding motives of others. I had to go out some videos back and he came up behind me and pressed himself onto me. I kinda freaked out, and tossed that creepy old fu<ker out the door.

Also in the Navy out at sea people would be quite harassing and teasing at times. Unfortunately only Agression/ violence stopped that. It quite ruined my experience and outlook.

Outside of those jobs job I never had any serious sexual harassment. Being a guy I feel sexual harassment is ugly and usually effects females.

It is always unacceptable. I never discussed my personal life with inmates when I worked in the base jail. I think some people talk this was to establish a rapport or buil friendships. I have had people question my preferences and status before, but never really felt it wa a type of harassment.

Inmates however, no info for them at all.

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