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TamzinLena

Teenage girl with Aspergers needing some advice

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TamzinLena

Hi, my names Tamzin and I'm 14 years old.

I was wondering if any of you could give me some advice as I'm struggling at the moment. 

I get very upset and frustrated a lot. I'm easily wound up and it really annoys me. I try to keep it in but when it comes out I just break down and don't recover for days. I cry all night and quite a lot in the day, preventing me from having fun. 

 

I just want to be a regular teenager, going to parties etc, but the socialness (don't think that's a word) of a party freaks me out. Even though I'm a loud, outgoing person, I feel swallowed up in a crowd, and I never know where to place myself. I'm quite a sociable person, I will chat to people and I don't feel particularly uncomfortable, its just crowds and trying to concentrate when there is so much going on around you, you can't get your head straight and you can't really deal with it in the correct way. 

 

So what do I do? How do I place my self in society as whole really? I'm the odd one out, I'm an outsider who just wants to fit nicely. Please give me some suggestions, and if you have any questions I'm happy to try and answer them, as I like returning advice too.

 

By the way, I only found out about 7 months ago I have aspergers, so I haven't really had time to come round to the idea. If that makes sense. 

 

:lolz:  :cookies:

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BWinfield17

My personal advice would be to identify a friend who knows you have AS, and will be doing the same things as you. Talk to them and ask them to show you the ropes.

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Bruce

Possibly other social settings? Like a sci-fi group a "friend" of mine goes to. If there's something like that you're interested in, such a group would usually be quieter.

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Xenolith

You say that you want to go to parties, but you then talk about how scary you find parties. So do you really want to go to parties, because it doesn't sound to me like you do?

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thegingerone

First of all, welcome :)

 

Coming from another teenage girl (16), I would agree with what has already been said about finding a friend who maybe knows about either your AS or just how you feel about parties.  Maybe you could talk over what to do with them (however, I do get that it is sometimes very hard to talk to others about it).

 

Maybe you could take breaks in parties between socializing, like go to the bathroom/find a quiet room/ go outside/ pretend to be on your phone.  I'm pretty unsociable and don't go to parties outside my immediate friend-group, so I don't know if any of this will help in other parties.

 

As for placing yourself in society, when I was 11/12/13 sort of age, I tried so hard to fit in (in the way I acted, not in how I looked though) and I found that I am more accepted now that other people accept that I'm weird.  It can be difficult at times especially when I have to explain myself to new people and things like that, so what worked for me is instead of trying to fit in, I sort of 'dampened down' the things that made me stand out a little so I can avoid the weird looks but still be me.

 

^ Not sure if any of that made any sense, but I hope I helped.

Edited by AlzEilir

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BWinfield17

You say that you want to go to parties, but you then talk about how scary you find parties. So do you really want to go to parties, because it doesn't sound to me like you do?

I can understand Tamzin's point. I can think of stuff I'd love to do, but I'm way too daunted by the prospect of doing it. 

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vcq14

Sorry to sound harsh, but you are an Aspie, you are wired that way, and in order to socialize and "enjoy" parties, you will have to work at it (personally, I find it exhausting and not worth the effort). First of all you have to know yourself and your comfort level.

 

"I just want to be a regular teenager" ... depends on the degree of AS. From my own experience and research, females are better at masking AS because we make more of an effort to blend in and can mimic social cues better. I'd say try to find one or two people you share common interests and go from there...it's much easier to socialize one-on-one or with a small group before you work yourself up to larger gatherings. Once you're comfortable hanging out with one or two friends with similar interests, then I would attempt going to a party (and not staying the whole night at first, but maybe an hour or so to see how you handle the stimulation).

 

"How do I place my self in society as whole really? I'm the odd one out, I'm an outsider who just wants to fit nicely." We are Aspies, it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and no matter how hard you try to "blend," I find there's always something that tips others off to the fact that we're different. It depends on how much energy you are able/willing to expend in order to "fit in." I learned long ago that for me, it meant not talking about my special interests, to try and not interrupt, and to remember to act interested and ask questions that show I'm involved in the conversation and the listener without always bringing up myself (still a bit guilty of that last one!).

 

Like Nesf, I had one real friend throughout school who I hung out with and we had very similar interests; this saved me from being totally isolated (although I have lived in isolation for the last 15 years).

Edited by vcq14

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Nesf

I agree with BWinfield, that you should find a friend who is similar to you with similar interests who you feel comfortable being with, then you could go to parties, etc. with this person, so you know you have a person there to talk to and can do the more difficult social stuff like ice-breaking or small talk and you won't feel alone because you know you'll have that person to talk to. When I was about your age I had a friend who, although she didn't have AS, she was similar to me in many ways and with similar interests. I rarely went to parties or socialised with my other classmates. I was content to just hang out with her. She was a most valuable friend to me and I was lucky to have her, she helped me get through high school.

 

I can understand this feeling of wanting to be social, wanting to have lots of friends, to go out and have a social life, but then becoming overwhelmed, disappointed and frustrated, and finally depressed. Before I knew I had AS I spent a lot of my early adult life trying to do things that people my age usually do. I didn't have many friends of my own, but when I started a relationship and then got married, I went out with his friends, went to the bar for a drink with him, went to parties with him, etc. Normal stuff married couples do. Also, I often craved and sought out stimulation of a bar or restaurant, and yet when exposed to the stimulation, was no good at socialising, became overwhelmed, got upset or irritable and had to stop or leave. People could not understand why I often said I wanted to do things, and then when I did them I apparently didn't like them. I suppose it was very confusing for them. I had a name for it, the' pushpull' effect. I seemed, or rather pretended to enjoy social events, pretended to myself that I had friends and that I was no different to everyone else, but this was a fallacy, underneath I was always very uncomfortable, overwhelmed, frustrated or upset, didn't enjoy them and always felt alone, even in company. Now I know I have AS and I know why I always felt this way, and I can accept that I'll always be different to other people and not fit in socially or with what they like doing, and I can be content to do my own thing and not feel that I have to do things I don't like doing just to fit in. It's much more important, and of far greater value,  to have just one or two close friends who are understanding and enjoy the same things rather than trying to become popular and gaining a lot of friends who put you out of your comfort zone and are probably superficial and not worth it anyway.

Edited by Nesf

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Whoknows

Welcome, anyway.

 

It's true you're different, but it's no big deal.

 

We're all different, we might as mighty as we want, because it's not about being accepted, but about who we are and what we're after.

 

When it comes to friends, just be yourself; they'll come anyway.

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