Jump to content
MrGrey

My Parents never taught me anything...

Recommended Posts

MrGrey

I was watching a few documentaries and videos about narcissism and more than half of the examples are about narcissist parents.  My parents were never that bad, but the videos also pointed out what parenting is and what is not... and my parents were not very good either.

 

Parenting is a heck of a lot more than providing food and shelter.  Parents are supposed to teach what's good and what's bad.  Parents are supposed to provide life lessons and advice.  They are supposed to give you at least a very basic education on how to recognize and deal with others that cause you harm. Etc etc etc

As I was watching these videos, I realize that my parents never taught me crap!  There was food, yes.  And a roof, yes.  But there was nothing more.  I tried hard to remember at least ONE instance of any moral value I have that can be traced back to my parents... and there's NOTHING.  Everything I know, everything I believe in, I learned from people other than my parents, or figure out on my own.

 

On the other hand, I do have a very long list of things that my parents believed in, and are wrong.  And usually, their beliefs are wrong because they are "incomplete" and many times "absolute".  Examples:

- My Father's belief on how to attain success: "Work hard and you will get whatever you want"

 Incomplete because employers also want you to have some brans, get along with co-workers, etc.
 

- My mother belief on how to attain success: "Study and you will get there"

 Incomplete because you can study all you want, collect diplomas, and still be good at nothing.  Or study careers with no demand.  
 

  Even the few basics that even the worst parents usually mention... like "don't lie, it's bad".... but *WHY* is it bad?  They never told me these things.

Edited by MrGrey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Id

My parents didn't teach me anything much useful either, its great isn't it! I can break all the conventional rules and not have any reason for emotional responses like feeling guilty for it because they never programmed that into me.

 

Even though my parents weren't the best outfit in the world, I'm very glad they weren't god-nutters or blind believers, or poor, violent, drunk, ignorant or corporate-stupified. They did the best they could with what they had (their own personal issues) and that I'm thankful for.

 

My colleagues think I'm "lucky" because I take three months to a year off work each year, what they don't realise is that they only go to work every day because their parents did and they learned it as a habit. My parents never worked in the time I knew them so I don't have any predetermined pattern of what constitutes work. Brilliant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ponz

I agree that parenting is far more than food or shelter. Mine didn't teach me anything except to be afraid of everyone/everything, hate myself and to be very emotionally reactive to everything. I've been undoing 22 years of damage the past 2 years.

I wish they taught me how to love myself (which I have figured out how to do) and how I should be treated by other people. I've been mistreated by so many people but didn't know any different...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrGrey

...They did the best they could with what they had (their own personal issues) and that I'm thankful for.

 

 

That is an amazing quote, brilliant!  I used to say something similar and people were always thinking I was referring to my parents economical status.  I shall make a t-shirt outah this :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
King_oni

My parents thought me enough, yet the things they thought me don't hold much relevance to life skills. That said; it is why I'm the life of the party and an overal blast to hang out with, lol.

 

There are also a few things my parents never taught me because they themselves weren't at that stage.

 

Here's a few examples of things that were part of my upbringing eventually;

 

  • - Getting wasted on weekends is fine, even if you pass out in your house. The upside they brought in; weekends... getting drunk daily is silly. But if you work or whatever you have going on, it's fine to let yourself go every once in a while
  • - Parties are not complete without strippers. Yes, I kid you not. My parents actually threw a lot of outrageous parties, which is probably where my affinity for partying comes from. Well.. I suppose I can refer to the point above about liquor as well, lol. That said; no there weren't giant cakes and women with tassles on their nipples all the time. Nor was I attending all the time, though the older I got in my teens, the more I attended them for the heck of it.
  • - My dad never finished college. He dropped about because; hey, working now means money now. And money now equals partying now. They never really made an issue about my lack of academic success, something that eventually prevented a lot of issues with them not understanding for my failing in schools in my life.
  • - If you want to get something done, do it yourself... or educate yourself. My mom took up childpsychology courses because I was such a difficult kid. My dad did a few courses. They had a bit of a hands on mentality. I have that as well; I know enough stuff that might be considered skills, but I never went through the formaility of degrees. Which in turn might also be why I can do things MY way, but not a standardized way.
  • - They weren't into religion in any way; but probably just kept it going on because their parents and such. I never had to visit church though, so that's probably how much they were not into religion or any other fanaticism. 
  • - My dad always seemed like the guy who never considers something his problem. If someone wants something from him, that's not his problem, and the person wanting something, should come up with something. That's probably a bit of an attitude I kept around. Clearly it doesn't always go over well "if school wants you to learn to use a computer, they'll have to provide one, I'm not buying". Yeah, and that's kinda how all arguments with, lol. Not just about me and my education though.
  • - They thought me to question ever single rule and even question police when you're in trouble. That is not to say they didn't believe in "the law" but they did wonder how it's being enforced. I always felt my dad was just in his rules and how he felt things should be; the fact that this is not how society works, yeah... it's funny, since the more I think about how he, even to this day things how things should be enforced, it makes more sense the way he sees it and I don't feel any particular bias because he's my dad. It seems he actually makes sense most of the time... even if he thought passing out in his own vomit was a good past time. So in a way, perhaps he tried to teach me "good" and "bad" but surely not from a universal perspective, but from a "common sense" perspective (something law sometimes lacks). Both my parents are also a bit of the "raise hell" kind of people, but to clarify, not for the heck of it. If they feel they can bring good arguments they will stand by them whatever the cost... oh right, they might be fanatic about this then, lol. But I guess we had little rules in the house except a few practical ones like "if dad had nightshift, you can't have anyone over for a playdate, because you'll be too frickin loud" and more of that nature.

 

The downsides of what they never really got into;

 

  • - Social interaction. They never thought I should go out. But perhaps it's that my mom saw early on that I could not get along with other kids and she didn't feel like having to patch it all up every single time.
  • - My parents both worked when I was a kid, but my grandfather lived at our place (mom's dad). He didn't bother raising me, he just made sure I didn't do anything stupid when they weren't around.. yeah, and make me a sandwich in the afternoon. In that sense I grew up quite on my own, playing on my own, trying to make sense of the world on my own.

 

Yeah, this is what I could come up with now.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nesf

My parents believed that a university education would automatically guarantee you a job and success in life, and if you didn't go to university you were a nobody. My father was very insistant on this. This was because he didn't go to university himself and spent all his life regretting it. So the emphasis was always on study and getting good grades. It didn't seem to matter whether you were successful socially and had a lot of friends, etc. They didn't seem to pay much attention to my emotional wellbeing. I had depression and they didn't notice. I had difficulty making friends, they didn't notice. As long as my grades were good at school, then everything was ok, as far as they were concerned. As for anxiety and self-confidence issues, I was told to stop worrying, to lighten up, to 'just do it!' - but it doesn't work that way. I was always tense round my stepmum because she was very sensitive and often offended by me without my having a clue what I'd done. I was always getting into trouble for frowning at her, when I wasn't aware of having done, and if I had it wasn't intentional. It got to the point where I was afraid to speak to her in case i said anything wrong. She also nagged at me a lot when I just wanted to be left alone, so I started to avoid her. I later learned that she was behaving like this because I was never very affectionate towards her and didn't do hugs, and she took this as being a sign that I had rejected her - not true at all! Being diagnosed and learning about AS has cleared up quite a few misunderstandings with my mum from that time.

Edited by Nesf

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spiderwoman0_2

Parents can't be responsible for teaching you everything, some things you have to find out for yourself.  My parents didn't teach me anything about life skills, so I used my common sense. :):P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrGrey

Parents can't be responsible for teaching you everything, some things you have to find out for yourself.  My parents didn't teach me anything about life skills, so I used my common sense. :):P

 

 

I think we agree that parents can't teach everything.  But that's pretty far away from not teaching anything at all.  Common Sense works, but in many cases it does so slowly.  Way to slow to be useful. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
King_oni

Parents can't be responsible for teaching you everything, some things you have to find out for yourself.  My parents didn't teach me anything about life skills, so I used my common sense. :):P

 

But with that you would assume everyone has a somewhat similar idea of common sense. And if there's anything life has taught me is that this is not the case.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
antago

Parents can't be responsible for teaching you everything, some things you have to find out for yourself.  My parents didn't teach me anything about life skills, so I used my common sense. :):P

 

His point was that his parents were emotionally absent, not that he expected them to teach him everything; please be more sensible.

 

As for parents lacking emotional output: Human-beings are far more than physical and mental beings; in fact, emotional health comes before all other. There have been studies where monkeys were provided with toys, food, and blankets shaped like mothers; the monkeys would cling to the blankets before everything else. If your parents are not teaching you emotionally guidance—it is because they are narcissistic, and cannot perceive you as an emotional being. As I mention in your other thread, the heart is an organ that perceives love energy (modern science is impervious to this). The heart can be blind (narcissism); imagine a person who cannot see—how would they ever be able to satiate your eye's love for beauty and stimulus? To put it frankly: Your family life is emotionally dull because they are unable to sense emotions that you sense—and therefore cannot understand that they exist. In the ancient story of Christ, he speaks of giving sight to the blind and refers to himself as the Light: He spent his life teaching mankind compassion and empathy. At the time, this was pretty revolutionary; it's still relevant today, except that over time narcissists have created flashy replacements in society to stimulate the senses that are important to them—which is why America is so superficial.

 

Getting what you want in life sometimes takes work—sometimes it takes nothing at all; what really matters is building relationships, because it's not about what you know or what you do much as it is—WHO you know. You're living in Capitalism, and this is by no means a dainty cup of evening tea with your crumpets. Long story short, your heart wants to hear music your parents couldn't possibly play. The deaf are not musicians, nor are the blind painters; the evil are not believers—and your heart wants to dance. They can blurt out black and white ideas they probably shimmied off the horse of some cowboy, but unless they begin doing some inner work they'll never be able to give you any real explanation or depth. You're emotionally starving and malnourished; but it isn't all hopeless although it will be hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.