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MrGrey

My Parents never taught me anything...

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The Id

but unless they begin doing some inner work they'll never be able to give you any real explanation or depth. You're emotionally starving and malnourished; but it isn't all hopeless although it will be hard.

 

You are indeed a wise person antago.

 

Making the transition from being a lifestyle victim of low quality parenting to a state of recognising that they did their best- as all parent's do- but that their best effort was contaminated by what they grew up with takes a lot of effort and hard work. It is the most important thing anyone can do as it is the beginning of emotional freedom.

 

The same holds true for all people. By default we use the old tools of blame, dislike, hatred, ridicule and shame to try and distance/protect ourselves from things we find upsetting without ever realising that these are automated responses within us. Our society is built upon these basic emotional responses and it is dying because of them. We have to do better than this.

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AutismUnrestricted

My parents are narcissistic Socioaths that ruined my life and im spending my adult years re-parenting myself and giving myself what my parents should have given to me in my childhood.

 

All they wanted me for was Narcissistic supply from their friends and colleagues. Look how well behaved my child is etc etc and behind close doors the abuse to make my comply to their wishes was horrifically bad.

 

I had to justify my existence and my right to live by constantly complying to their every wish. I didnt get a childhood as my mum used me as her emotional toilet to vent her frustration at me, a defenseless child who thought my mother's life was so hard that I decided to be her hero and try so hard to give her what she wanted.

 

No body explained she was mad and only having her emotional cry and to not listen to her. I took everything literally as I didnt know to not believe my parents. After all they were my parents, my care givers and in my mind they were right and had my best interest 100% but clearly that wasn't the case and all they ever gave a s**t about was themselevs. This resulted in a warped world view and endless problems in every sphere of my life. I spend everyday challenging my internal core beliefs that were formed due to such parenting and making sense of the world around me is almost impossible at times. Often when the world around gets confusing, people have their internal compass to fall back on, but in my case due to having such parents, my internal compass is also faulty, so its a struggle to stay sane and not go crazy.

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quiggyy

MrGrey, you seem to have fairly normal parents, do not believe everything that videos and documentaries claim, good parents are extremely rare, but at least you did not have bad parents.
As someone who has asked enough insensitive questions to understand a few things about  parents, they often go into it not having any idea of what to expect, no one taught them that you have to do more than just feeding and keeping a roof over a child, they do know know that they need to teach their kids more than just how to read/count/cook/drive (by the way a lot of parents do not even teach these things to their children, they just get others to do it, like schools), they do not understand that they need to teach their children how to live.

I am glad that you noticed MrGrey, maybe if you have kids one day you will be a better parent than most, never forget that children are not robots, they are human.

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HamburgerHelper

I hate reviving old threads, but I'm interested to know what those documentaries were.

 

Both of my parents were emotionally absent, but so was their parents. My dad was straight up abandoned by his mother as a child and left him with his alcoholic stepfather (he's a friendly alcoholic, but still). My maternal grandparents, as my mom tells it, were classic narcissistic parents. It's hard to tell if she's telling the truth though...

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OliveOilMom

I was raised by an overprotective mother who had no self esteem and she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was in my teens. My mother divorced my dad when I was a baby and moved in with her parents.  Her parents had some serious issues as well.  We lived with them until they died.  I was sick a lot as a child because I had food and drug allergies and had respiratory infections a lot.  The doctor said to keep me inside during times when the pollen count was high, limit my intake of dairy and certain other foods, make sure to dry me off well after a bath and dry my hair so I wouldn't catch cold, and keep me away from cigarette smoke.  My mother felt she was following his orders, but she went overboard.  She was an RN and her job was the only thing that brought her self esteem.  She kept me in the house at all times, no going out to play - my grandmother would sometimes let me but that was to be kept secret.  My mother cut out every bit of dairy and I never had milk, cheese, ice cream or any food at all with milk or milk products in it until I was 13 and snuck some of them at a friends house and started eating them and was very surprised I didn't die.  I also wasn't allowed to eat anything at all except green beans and broiled lambchops for about three years during my childhood.  I weighed less than 100 lbs when I turned 13 and I was tall, so I looked very funny.  To prevent me from catching cold, she just never let me take a bath.  I didn't start bathing regularly until my grandmother was in the hospital dying from cancer and I was left at home with my drunk grandfather who took me to school and brought me home and heated up a frozen dinner for my supper (sans milk products) when I was 12.  This means I was filthy most of the time.  The cigarette smoke was the one thing she didn't avoid because she chainsmoked as did my grandparents.  They decided to just confine me to the bedroom that I shared with my mother and they bought a big "air cleaner" to put in there.  They also bought me a black and white portable tv so I had that in there, my books, and the crochet I did all the time.  Oh, and did I mention that we lived in squalor?  My mother nor grandmother ever cleaned the house.  It was dusty, nasty, garbage filled, etc.  

 

As a consequence of all the respiratory infections from the smoke and the filth I lived in, I was sick and in the hospital a lot as a child.  My mother found out that she got a lot of attention and sympathy when I was sick so she decided I was sick all the time.  She would insist that I was sick and needed to stay home from school if my nose was stopped up.  She built her whole identity as a martyr who had to take care of her sick child and when I turned 13 and made a few friends at school and actually stood up to her and did those rebellious things like eat normal food and take baths and insist on going to class she started telling people that I had mental problems because at least she could get sympathy that way.  She once even go so upset with me and how I "wouldn't mind her at all" when I was 15 years old and my grandfather shot at me with his shotgun and I ran up the street to a school friend's house and insisted on spending the night there.  She told her friends I "ran away" and she couldn't do anything at all with me because I was so rebellious.

 

Honest to God, if there had been children and family services like there are today and I had known about them, I would have called them on her.  I used to dream about being taken away and going to a foster home.  What really killed me is when she got old and looked back on those years, she still can't see anything she did wrong.  She still thought she was this perfect mother trying to make the best of a bad situation.  I have friends still to this day that I knew back then who had been to my house and met my mother and heard her screaming fits at me for "rebelling" and all and they reassured me that she wasn't at all normal or even in the same ballpark as normal and that I am completely in the right about this.

 

So, no she didn't teach me anything except that I can't do things because I'm too frail or too easily upset etc.  Thats how I was able to force myself over and over, for years and years to do things that were so hard and uncomfortable and scary so that I could make myself learn social skills.  Lots of people tell me it's not possible for us to learn things, and I was pretty bad with my AS as a child, we didn't know I had it then thank God, but looking back I can see how I was from it, and I know that it was very possible for me to learn the things I had to learn.  I pass as NT all the time and it's second nature to me now.  However, until I was diagnosed in middle age with AS, it wasn't "passing as NT" to me, it was "acting normal".  

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Gin

One of the most important realisations you need to make is that adults are flawed and most of the time are just as clueless as we are. The less they taught you, the better it is because you were able to learn stuff the unbiased way.

 

I followed my parents advice blindly and then afterwards realised that a lot of it was just very opinionated and not based on truth (like going to University, I would be much happier just being a simple carpenter, (wall) painter or electrician than dealing with the stress of proving oneself over other (way more skilled) candidates for an academic job)

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