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L Lawliet

Intimidated by Other People's Friends

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L Lawliet

I don't know if anyone else gets this sometimes but I get intimidated by other peoples friends. I guess it's a form of jealousy? I think it's because once I make a friend I really want to keep them and I don't understand the dynamics on different types of friendship. Especially when that other friend, in my eyes, is a much more interesting person than I am and I read into it and think my friend likes them more.

 

I remember this girl at school (I had a crush on her too so that probably didn't help matters!) we became really close friends and she would invite me over to her house and it would be so nice. We'd watch movies and talk about loads off stuff. Then one night she was like "Shall we invite Nicola over?". This was a friend she had grown up with and was her best friend. Then when she came over the whole atmosphere changed and suddenly I felt like a third wheel as such. Both of them acted different towards each other and towards me. I didn't like it. I thought I was getting to that "best friend zone" but it turned out that I wasn't even close!

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not psycho jealous or anything. I'm never horrible about it and I'm certainly never horrible to people's friends. I'm really polite and most of the time my friend's friends are mine too. But there are just times where it physically hurts because I just really crave a friendship like that with someone. I think it's because the only person I have ever had that kind of friendship with doesn't live near me and I miss her. I never had that same friendship with anyone since because where I moved away and met new people, they already had friends that they had grown up with. Now my best friend doesn't really stay in touch a lot and I struggle :(

 

Moving around schools as a kid just did a lot of damage in general. There's only one other person I know who has moved house 14-15 times like I have and I've met her on here! The chances! Isn't that awesome? :lol:

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Peridot

In a previous life (i.e. when I was in my twenties) I've experienced stuff like this. Where people would act like a different person depending on who they were with. I was annoyed by it. I now am around different kinds of people, I guess.

 

I pretty much don't actively seek friends anymore, I just meet people now and then and when we get along we might seek each other's company now and then. :) But err... I only have, I'd say... Four people who I regularly see in "real life". We watch movies too and talk about stuff. Last one we saw was this Italian film about a guy who has all these issues and then shoots himself. LOL Good times.

 

Anyway, other people's friends... Let's see... I just have this attitude where it isn't important to me how close I get to someone. I just go with the flow and let things happen the way they naturally go. I mean I'm reminded of how you described your polygamous friend's attitude where she said that different people so to speak had different things to offer? I just think that there's a certain place I have in someone life so to speak. Other people might be closer to someone but so what? It just goes the way it goes. :unsure:

 

Recently I felt like a third wheel though. I was with people who all had one thing in common (work related) so they were in this intense conversation about that but half the time I didn't know what they were talking about so I didn't have anything to add to the conversation and I just flipped out. It kind of sucks.

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L Lawliet

In a previous life (i.e. when I was in my twenties) I've experienced stuff like this. Where people would act like a different person depending on who they were with. I was annoyed by it. I now am around different kinds of people, I guess.

 

I pretty much don't actively seek friends anymore, I just meet people now and then and when we get along we might seek each other's company now and then. :) But err... I only have, I'd say... Four people who I regularly see in "real life". We watch movies too and talk about stuff. Last one we saw was this Italian film about a guy who has all these issues and then shoots himself. LOL Good times.

 

Anyway, other people's friends... Let's see... I just have this attitude where it isn't important to me how close I get to someone. I just go with the flow and let things happen the way they naturally go. I mean I'm reminded of how you described your polygamous friend's attitude where she said that different people so to speak had different things to offer? I just think that there's a certain place I have in someone life so to speak. Other people might be closer to someone but so what? It just goes the way it goes. :unsure:

 

Recently I felt like a third wheel though. I was with people who all had one thing in common (work related) so they were in this intense conversation about that but half the time I didn't know what they were talking about so I didn't have anything to add to the conversation and I just flipped out. It kind of sucks.

 

True, I know I act differently around different people but that's an identity crisis because of my AS :lol: I know people have different things to offer so that does make sense, I just struggle with the fact that everyone around me has people they call "best friends" and I had to move away from mine, leaving it too late to become this way with someone where I live now because they already have best friends.

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Peridot

Here's the quote from your friend! I tracked it down. :P

 

"Why do we have so many friends? Because we get different things from each of our friends. So we have a strong support group to help us through life and enjoy it. What we don't get from one friend, we'll get from another. How could I ask one person to give me everything I want, even if it doesn't fulfill their needs? It's a lot of responsibility to put on that person. If they want that responsibility, then I admire them. I admire couples who stay strong and can spend their life together with no upsets regarding other love interests. But that's not me. I'm surrounded by diverse and interesting people. Why wouldn't I want to be with them and have a relationship with them?"

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Peridot

True, I know I act differently around different people but that's an identity crisis because of my AS :lol: I know people have different things to offer so that does make sense, I just struggle with the fact that everyone around me has people they call "best friends" and I had to move away from mine, leaving it too late to become this way with someone where I live now because they already have best friends.

 

You are actually one of my best friends. ^_^

 

And I guess I meant with "people who act differently around different people" was that people would lose sight of me a bit when a third person would come along. Or they'd act all differently towards me. :unsure: It's hard to explain.

I have to go and get the saddle of my bike adjusted at the store so I'll be offline for a bit. I'm following the thread though. :lol:

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L Lawliet

Here's the quote from your friend! I tracked it down. :P

 

"Why do we have so many friends? Because we get different things from each of our friends. So we have a strong support group to help us through life and enjoy it. What we don't get from one friend, we'll get from another. How could I ask one person to give me everything I want, even if it doesn't fulfill their needs? It's a lot of responsibility to put on that person. If they want that responsibility, then I admire them. I admire couples who stay strong and can spend their life together with no upsets regarding other love interests. But that's not me. I'm surrounded by diverse and interesting people. Why wouldn't I want to be with them and have a relationship with them?"

 

Haha! I'm forgetting my own advice! :lol:

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RiRi

I get jealous when I see my friends have other friends. I want my friends all for myself. I also don't like being the third person. It feels like I shouldn't be there when that happens and I want to get out of there as soon as I possibly can. I try to fake it that I don't feel jealous, but sometimes it doesn't work. I just stop talking to the person for a while or I am cold with them when I talk to them. I used to get jealous that my friends did the fun stuff with other people, but with me, they did the boring stuff like helping them with advice, school, work, relationships, etc. 

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brokenOne

Hmm.. I see everyones points. But for me i choose not to have friends. I dont typically trust people and all my friends were really immature. I grew up and their mentality stayed the same. Like my best friend ever from highschool stopped being my best friend after he was still acting like a 17 year old. I find that i am too calm and mellow and cant handle all the over stimulation that NT's like to have. Guess thats part of my problem, never had a friend in real life who was an aspie like me.

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Kuribo [old account]

People with preexisting groups of friends are off-limits to me. That one person happens to show kindness does not guarantee that their "friends" will too. To expect any kind of relationship with these people to continue after their "friends" make their disapproval clear is only to make yourself needlessly vulnerable.

Edited by Kuribo

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Nesf

Something similar happened to me, too. I made a friend briefly in middle school and went to her house a couple of times. Then, one day at school she was with another girl and they invited me to join them. I did, but they started talking amongst themselves. I didn't know how to join in, they made no effort to include me in the conversation and I soon felt bored. After about 10 minutes I wandered off and didn't hang out with them again, that was the end of the friendship.

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