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Frostborn

[Sensitive] Suicidal over aspergers

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Frostborn

Its strange to talk about how i feel to people coz its like my words are translated into another language and i end up feeling misunderstood. Anyways.. Since ive started to study what asperger means and how it described lots of problems ive had growing up, in family life and school and other social situations , it has felt like a dead end. I appreciate that the diagnosis exist and that people are communicating about it, but i dont know how i should find my own way, without being stressed by the outside world, and how to find and accept some kind of position in life. Im not stupid, i try so many things but it doesn't give me the manual i need, i cant stand the psychosocial values and ways of the world, its like the all i believed in growing up ive now understood arent real or any good. But totally isolating me makes me anxious, even though id like to be able to be unattached. 

I think about death almost every day, how it would be easy if there were any gun around (which there ain't) to just end it, it dont want to destroy my familys life and my best friends life that way, but i cant help thinking about it. 

Its like i dont have the energy and know-how soul in my skull that should be there, that others seem to have. Ive tried at some times in my life to self medicate, with alcohol, or/and stimulants and benso, but drug abuse have always hurt me and made me more sick than helped, it only helped at some points for temporary motivation and focus to connect to others, but it never lasted. So i gave it up about 6 months ago. 

Now all i have is meditation which clears my head from the worse, and my apartment to keep clean. I dont go to school anymore and i havent tried small jobs around anything yet. I get enough money to live on, coz of having the diagnosis (some lucky ones gets it that way in sweden). I dont care about earning more money coz theres nothing I could buy that would fix anything. 

Could someone tell me about finding some peace with aspergers and how to accept a kind of secure loneliness, not trying to fit in where you cant, and how to activate some motivation in life and discover positive sides of aspergers. 

Thanks..

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iggy

Well, welcome to the forum where you can learn ways to help, first of all.

You need to focus on the positives I think. You have enough money coming in to cover all costs, so you only need to improve at a pace which suits you. You don't need to worry about finding a job ASAP because you don't have enough money and are cutting out of the budget. Also, since you haven't yet felt ready to find a small job, you don't know that you'll never cope with it.

The way you can't fit in, is going to be there all the time. But here, we all don't fit in. So we kind of... Do fit in. You'll probably meet some good friends on here :)

If there is anything (usually something) which you can enjoy, then focus on that whenever you feel like you can't do anything, and realise how much you like that. You have a best friend, and a family who you know care about you enough that they would miss you and you can stop yourself by thinking of what it would do to them.

Positive sides of aspergers? Well, for one do you have a topic hat you enjoy the most? A good memory maybe, or ability to draw well when it is quiet maybe? If you aren't sure then a post around here might give you a hand.

Overall, I'm probably not so helpful. But I believe this forum will help you, just by you being in its presence. :D

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Annaflower
Its strange to talk about how i feel to people coz its like my words are translated into another language and i end up feeling misunderstood. Anyways.. Since ive started to study what asperger means and how it described lots of problems ive had growing up, in family life and school and other social situations , it has felt like a dead end. I appreciate that the diagnosis exist and that people are communicating about it, but i dont know how i should find my own way, without being stressed by the outside world, and how to find and accept some kind of position in life. Im not stupid, i try so many things but it doesn't give me the manual i need, i cant stand the psychosocial values and ways of the world, its like the all i believed in growing up ive now understood arent real or any good. But totally isolating me makes me anxious, even though id like to be able to be unattached. 

I think about death almost every day, how it would be easy if there were any gun around (which there ain't) to just end it, it dont want to destroy my familys life and my best friends life that way, but i cant help thinking about it. 

Its like i dont have the energy and know-how soul in my skull that should be there, that others seem to have. Ive tried at some times in my life to self medicate, with alcohol, or/and stimulants and benso, but drug abuse have always hurt me and made me more sick than helped, it only helped at some points for temporary motivation and focus to connect to others, but it never lasted. So i gave it up about 6 months ago. 

Now all i have is meditation which clears my head from the worse, and my apartment to keep clean. I dont go to school anymore and i havent tried small jobs around anything yet. I get enough money to live on, coz of having the diagnosis (some lucky ones gets it that way in sweden). I dont care about earning more money coz theres nothing I could buy that would fix anything. 

Could someone tell me about finding some peace with aspergers and how to accept a kind of secure loneliness, not trying to fit in where you cant, and how to activate some motivation in life and discover positive sides of aspergers. 

Thanks..

I'm so sorry you are feeling so isolated and troubled by Aspergers. I am not an expert on AS or on psychological health so I would struggle to give you an answer. However, what I would suggest is spending some time here on the forum just getting to know some of the people here and joining in with some of the conversations. I think that would help you to connect with others who are struggling with some of the same issues as you. There is no need for you to be alone, everyone here is very friendly.

I think it is great that you have opened up and asked for help rather than continuing to struggle. I am sure that you will find some people here who you will connect with. Don't give up, things can get better.

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Nesf

I sought a diagnosis to find peace, but my new awareness of AS has caused me as many questions as it has answered, and made me aware just how oblivious I was to the nature of my interractions and the extent of my difficulties, always being in my own world and not letting others in. I feel I'm only just now discovering who I am. I'm also having some motivation problems since my diagnosis, and feel like giving up, though I know that this really isn't the best thing. I've been trying to deal with it by reading as much as possible about AS, reading about and sharing experiences with others with the condition on forums like this one. Knowledge is power, ignorance is weakness. If you know anyone near you with AS in real life, it might help to meet them, to read and learn about it, to share experiences with people who understand. I always hated myself and had very low self esteem. I hoped the diagnosis would enable me to finally accept myself; that's why it was so important to have it, but I'm still struggling... There are plenty such people here!!! I think you have to focus on the positive aspects of it and not the negative. Everyone has some positive characteristics, some strengths that others don't have. Remember that you have them, and focus on them when you feel low.

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Alex

What everyone else said is very true.

 

I feel the same sometimes about wanting to get away from it all. I've had times in my life where I thought of suicide alot, but thankfully the thought of it has always been repulsive to me, and I've never truly wanted to do it.

 

You are not alone here. Alot of people feel like you. I hope it makes you feel better to know that.

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Willow

I felt similar to you when I was about 15 or 16. I guess I just got to a point where I thought that I was bored of letting my problems win. They don't stop me from doing everything, but they can if I let them build up, or keep punishing myself for them - and afterall, I can't help that I have Aspergers or whatever, so there's not point in getting myself all upset about it. What needs to happen is you need to accept that you have these differences, which aren't bad - they just make things a bit difficult, but you will be so much stronger by fighting through things. 

 

Sharing your problems can be helpful, sometimes we think we're alone, but realizing we're not can help us feel better - each thing we thought was just our problem, our fault or our difference, is also someone else, and each time you realize that, you will feel more normal - and you can also see how other people cope, and apply that to yourself, to see if it works for you too.

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Heather

Hi, welcome to the forum!  What everyone else said is true and I don't have much to add.  I didn't go through any moment when I seriously considered suicide but I did have a few years of milder depression when I was in high school.. but I could never have done that to those around me.  My boyfriend, who has had many more traumatic things happen to him and who also has had AS, did seriously want to consider suicide and actually at one point he was about to do it and his dad came in and stopped him.  If he ever had at any point, I would never have met him.  Think about your future.  You don't know, but I believe you can have an amazing future.  It is hard to fit in.. I think you'll fit in great here actually.  We all have difficulties fitting in with the world.. but here you can be free to talk about what you like, your interests, and we all try and be as friendly and accepting as we can, and you might even find some others here who share your interests or experiences! :)  Stay here and you'll have a community of supportive friends who understand and accept difference, because we are all different. :)

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bristlenose

AS is a life sentence to having a lot of difficulty dealing with the social aspects of the NT world, possibly having sensory issues and relatively narrow interests.

The mistake seems to be in thinking what necessarily follows is "a kind of secure loneliness". That's a trap I fell into, and in hindsight, it was largely through lack of role models and guidance. It sounds like you've built a certain picture of what an Aspie is - a "dead end". How old are you now?

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Andy
Its strange to talk about how i feel to people coz its like my words are translated into another language and i end up feeling misunderstood. Anyways.. Since ive started to study what asperger means and how it described lots of problems ive had growing up, in family life and school and other social situations , it has felt like a dead end. I appreciate that the diagnosis exist and that people are communicating about it, but i dont know how i should find my own way, without being stressed by the outside world, and how to find and accept some kind of position in life. Im not stupid, i try so many things but it doesn't give me the manual i need, i cant stand the psychosocial values and ways of the world, its like the all i believed in growing up ive now understood arent real or any good. But totally isolating me makes me anxious, even though id like to be able to be unattached. 

I think about death almost every day, how it would be easy if there were any gun around (which there ain't) to just end it, it dont want to destroy my familys life and my best friends life that way, but i cant help thinking about it. 

I have been there and I go there quite often and I only remarked quite recently on a US forum I am glad in the UK we do not have easy access to guns as my belief is I would have gone by now because it get's that raw sometimes and why I do not drink alcohol at home on my own anymore. But it is the action of thinking about other ways that are not quite so final that helps one get out of the mood. but there is something else, nothing is as easy as a gun, a gun is a split second decision where a thought turns into a kinetic action which causes a chemical reaction and then it's over, it's final. Where most in what they do are in reality crying for help and understanding, hence why using a firearm despite their availability in some communities is not the tool of choice of the majority where other methods require more thinking as you must understand the most powerful force in the universe is that to give up life and other methods reinforce the mind to decide otherwise.

 

But I do understand completely what you are saying in the above, for I too struggle immensely with what I perceive of the world where I have two methods of combating my feelings;

 

1) I retreat into my own world and stay there as long as is necessary, I am reclusive I go days without seeing anyone, locked in my own world where I am safe, and now I can even out in public retreat into my own world when I need to. Observers have said where was I when they have noticed me doing it,  as I just go still and I stare at nothing as i have gone back into the comfort of my own mind for a while.

 

2) Another method I use is to be reactionary, of which I call fighting against the oppressor online, where I clue up on much, crunch it around in my mind and spew it out on political forums offering as aspie view on the proceedings, where plenty of times I get commended for seeing differently for I always tend to see what is not obvious to see and so I realise aspie minds do have a use to society and they can be very effective once one finds one's niche. But I also find it helps to not say one is an aspie, through society's propensity to negate what they consider disabled through a label applied, but I have revealed the truth of myself before once I had attained a following there educating the typical that what they thought was typical like themselves isn't and there more positivity ascends to what is thought of as cognitively disabled as others have said they were not aware of what aspies could do because of well aspies are disabled !

Its like i dont have the energy and know-how soul in my skull that should be there, that others seem to have. Ive tried at some times in my life to self medicate, with alcohol, or/and stimulants and benso, but drug abuse have always hurt me and made me more sick than helped, it only helped at some points for temporary motivation and focus to connect to others, but it never lasted. So i gave it up about 6 months ago. 

Now all i have is meditation which clears my head from the worse, and my apartment to keep clean. I dont go to school anymore and i havent tried small jobs around anything yet. I get enough money to live on, coz of having the diagnosis (some lucky ones gets it that way in sweden). I dont care about earning more money coz theres nothing I could buy that would fix anything. 

Could someone tell me about finding some peace with aspergers and how to accept a kind of secure loneliness, not trying to fit in where you cant, and how to activate some motivation in life and discover positive sides of aspergers. 

Thanks..

 The loneliness is the worst aspect I believe and it is what prevents me from totally cutting myself off from the rest of humanity and believe it I have tried and I tried it in Sweden of all places.....

 

The family owned a Torp out in the skog ( forest ), way out, this was one of the cheaper places only £11 k UK equivalent, it had a snickery ( wood work shop- fully equipped) and a smithy which had fell down over the years but the furnace was still there and the bellows, I could rebuild it, well that was the idea and live out there during the week to be visited by the family at the weekends, oh and look after the skaukatt ( Norwegian forest cat) that didn't get on with town life. With the internet, a 3G connection which was faster out in the forest than my UK broadband connection I could keep in contact with the world when I wanted to and sell what I can make over the internet, but it was the loneliness that stopped me as I can become very self destructive when I lose focus when I am on my own. The other thing that stopped me was the requirement to keep the place tidy, as I tend not to notice the mess I create and I was not prepared for the hassle I would receive for not keeping the torp clean and tidy for the week ends.

 

The other thing that stopped me was Sweden itself, the locals for they were around in the forest, there was a community, mostly old people and they had a pub of sorts but I could not connect with them, what it was I don't know, was it age, language or culture, alienated I feel a lot of the time, I was plain too scared to try.

 

But you live in Sweden, a small population and a big country, you have much more at your disposal than many of us in the UK, you can effectively get lost quite easily in that country, unlike this where one needs vast amounts of money to get away from people and then one is not completely hidden away as always, there is always someone trying to look over your shoulder and root you out and stick their nose into your business. I have considered growers communes and caravan life, but this country does not like people bucking the trend, this country I feel threatened and so I react, it is my reaction, my personal war that keeps my mind from going where it shouldn't.

 

If I can gain some mental strength, I may head back to Sweden and get lost in the forest as seven years now since that attempt, the loneliness I have had seven years of that in my own country, now I am getting used to it.

 

Loneliness is the worst problem, cure that and you have the world as you may like it

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