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Bartowski

How to stop coming off as rude?

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Bartowski

Okay, so sometimes I try to be funny or nice or playful, but I inadvertently come off as rude. My sister tells me it's my prosody, inflection, facial expressions, and body language that may contribute to that fact, I guess when I try to be humorous I'm sort of dead pan in my delivery, which is why people think I'm rude. I actually tried to joke around with one of my managers concerning her mispronouncing my name and she took it the wrong way and the next day a different manager called me into his office to talk about the incident because she told him it was an argument, which it was not. I kinda have a bad rep now because people keep talking shit, so I have just decided to stay quiet and only talk when needed, which isn't what I want, I want to be social and have lots of friends and laugh and talk, but whenever I attempt to achieve that, I end up getting further away from my goal, so might as well stay quiet, that way nobody will say shit, and I don't have to constantly think about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. Anyways, how do you solve this problem and what are your experiences?

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King_oni

Rudeness perhaps lies in the eye of the beholder. Some people tell me I'm rude while some people don't comment at all (which makes me assume that I'm not thát rude). I've found that people who think I'm rude, are the type of people who want everything to be sugarcoated and to be ridiculously nice, which aren't the type of people I'd be interested in being around with a lot of my time.

 

So, perhaps the issue lies in being involved with a certain crowd that just isn't that compatible with you. A lot of people don't mix in with everyone, some easier than others, but still, I've found there are plenty of people who will find offense (either by what I say, or how I act) no matter what I do... they're also the type of people that will whine how someone is rude all the time unless they for some reason adhere to their standards.

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omeomiana

I have this same problem, unfortunately my solution is to not talk outside of my pretty scripted responses at work or with people that know me well enough to know rudeness wasn't my intention. Wish I could be more help.

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Auletes

I follow those rules:

 

- Don't point out mistakes of people you don't know enough*, or only if you have to. Try to make it sound nice like.

 

- Don't joke about people you don't know well. Banter is only allowed if you have known the person for a while*.

 

* It's hard to figure out, when time has come that you are allowed to do such things. But it's always better to be on the safer side and to be extremely careful with superior people like bosses.

 

What I had to learn quite quickly at work: Don't argue too much. It may be frustrating but try to accept other peoples opinion. If you really think that the other person is wrong, it may be better to continue the argument at a different time.

 

Try to think about nice smalltalk topics, so you don't have to sit around quiet. Don't talk about politics and religion until you have a rough idea about the opinion of the other person and never at work.

Ask what other people where doing last weekend. Listen, make some "that sound's interesting"-sort of comments. Next time you meet ask how they where doing and make reference to what they've told you.

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ponz

First off, I completely agree with the previous 3 posters.

The only advice I could add is to pay attention to how each person acts to determine what's appropriate. If your manager or anyone else doesn't engage in banter, then don't try to start that with them. Try to act and communicate a bit more like them to put them at ease (general article about mimicking and mirroring). It's kind of like the golden rule "treat others as you want to be treated," assuming that the way they act towards you is how they want you to act towards them.

I'd suggest being more formal and polite with superiors at work, though. Even if you want to joke around with them, it may not be appropriate, which is just a fact of life. =/

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Whoknows

Not even sure. My opinion always sets someone on fire. LoL!  :D  :lol:

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Bruce

If people treat me the way they want to be treated (not in work)...... That's insulting, name-calling, criticising, making fun, etc. Oddly, I don't think they'd want that. Hence no offline social life!

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RiRi

I used to have a similar problem as you, Asmada, I would come across as rude in the way I acted and comments I made. I think in my mind, I didn't know I was being rude, but I'm glad people pointed it out because I began noticing my actions. For example, in new situations, I would always look away from people, even if they've said hi, because it was just so overwhelming and uncomfortable for me and people considered that as rude, so I took that into account and for later times, I tried to be nicer to people even if I didn't want to be there. I started greeting people and at least didn't act like I didn't want to be there. Although, kind of difficult for me because I had to smile all the time. :wacko:
 

I think that there's a general way of being polite, but other than that I agree with what has been mentioned, what you made consider rude may not be what others do. People may even consider it rude when you don't speak, so I would be careful with that as well. I don't know how long you've been working there, but try changing little by little, if that's what you want. You will get better at knowing what your boss, co-workers, friends, other people consider rude with time and may be able to adjust to that, but I don't think you could ever completely stop coming off as rude as everyone is different and in turn will perceive you differently. 

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