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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

The_Unrequited_Love_And_Resulting_Anger_Of_The_Rejected_Aspie (**me**)

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

The best one can hope to get from this, whatever ‘this’ is, is to identify with me in your own life and know that you don’t have to be useless alone, or it’s an open door invitation to a genuinely nice person (probably a woman of my age living in another country) to be a good samaritan by inspiring hope by reminding you/me of the things you do and yet don’t want to hear (the kind of things that would definitely work, if life played out like a romantic film or you were like the other 99.9% of the population and things just worked…zing) and naturally this or these great advisors wouldn’t look at you/me in a romantic way, oh no, but someone, some day , somewhere will of course…..won’t they???

Love is and always has (so long as I was in a desperate enough position to need it, which I can’t ever see changing ever since a few years back) been too dangerous for me, because it’s dangerous to obsess, fantasize or think excessively about something you have countless reasons to know you’ll never have, the conversations, romance, sex etc- never gonna happen because believe it or not it requires two ‘consenting people’, not one irreversibly deluded idiot and his imaginary lover and who puts off a girl (maybe subliminally or subconsciously) just by looking at her.

I am better than this, better than being the unrequited love-slave forced to face the (often internal) humiliation and constant rejection of something that only 50% of me (at most) can and has ever actually genuinely wanted (previous to which I lived in harmony successfully rejecting/supressing love) and now cannot escape. Some people are just so socially defective (such as myself, but not in a way which is immediately obvious, oh no that’d be too easy) that all girls (to one degree or another) immediately or eventually must surely feel uncomfortable around you/me (even though you’re not the weird guy on the bus who tries to talk/flirt with everyone or the moody aspie who frightens people off with his hatred for his rejection or the social recluse who never ever talks to anyone), you can be none of those things but still get overlooked, ignored and rejected. All the potential answers that you hope could open doors for you are never really there or don’t ever happen how you hope (because your hopes are based on fiction, the only true understanding and examples of various situations that you have in your miserably sheltered life).

You’d like to imagine that there are aspie social or support groups you could go to and that because you’re somehow so socially inept, that automatically so too are the girls (in their own sexy way) and thus they simply must fall in love with you (the one of a few who actually understands them), but it doesn’t work that way even when such clubs do exist and instead it’s like everything else in your life all over again in that barriers immediately go up and the loosely termed ‘friendships’ within that club (or any type of club that one is suggested to attend if one has hardly any friends and is unlikely to meet someone otherwise) ends at the door just before you leave or maybe doesn’t even make it that far as you discover that apparently there are many different kinds of aspies and aspieness and once again you’re in that minority of the minority. What follows on from this is then obvious because you never really managed to establish any rapport with any women (even though you/I hold conversations which can even draw laughter and can be engaging) and you just pathetically feel alienated and threatened by anyone or almost everyone else who eventually makes the connection you never could (or have) only to gradually form a relationship, or go to each other’s houses to socialise further or pretty much anything that someone such as myself virtually never gets to experience.

It’s ironic that some guys complain about never getting beyond their first dates (yes plural, meaning they’ve had a few), well at least you’ve had dates (possibly NT women- WTF, how??) and the fact that you can get to this stage is far more than some others such as myself can or probably will ever succeed in. For someone like me (and the other guys who are nodding and agreeing in silence at home alone by their computers right now) life is (as far as love is concerned) all about seeing beautiful women (and if you’re very lucky, actually getting to talk to them for whatever reason) and perhaps in the space of a short time you imagine what it’d be like to be with someone you actually want to be with (rather than settling for what you’d consider a 4/10, like I did, much to my regret- IDIOT!!). I’ll leave it there for now because if I’m lucky, some people will read and a few might even relate, hell one or two might sympathize and give some good advice if I really pray hard enough.

 

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Nedarb

As a fellow male who has had little success with love and dating, I understand the frustration you are going through. The greatest advice that I can give (as this is what I'm doing) is to not bother with females until after the college years (namely your twenties). Too many females still have a high school mentality many years after they graduate and still think they rule the social hierarchy (because they do). And it really doesn't matter if they look like Meghan Fox or Adele, their attitude regarding superficial traits is the same. 

I hate to sound like I'm attacking females but this is my experience from age 15 to the present. Maybe some of the other aspie males in their twenties have had different experiences but this just goes to show that males aren't the only shallow and vapid gender

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Whoknows

Well, you're fired up! :lol:

 

Love is like luck, and finding the right one just for you. The problem is that there might be more than one, and you don't know. :huh:

 

Sometimes, you like, but the other dislikes. Others, you dislike, but the other don't care, and you have to run at ludicrous speed to get away. :(

 

Some other time you think you met the perfect one. B) And you end up like this:

 

 

In the end, only one knows when love has come. -_-:D

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

As a fellow male who has had little success with love and dating, I understand the frustration you are going through. The greatest advice that I can give (as this is what I'm doing) is to not bother with females until after the college years (namely your twenties).

Yes that makes sense, and so here I am age 26 with college about 8 or so years behind me.

 

 

Well, you're fired up! :lol:

 

Love is like luck, and finding the right one just for you. The problem is that there might be more than one, and you don't know. :huh:

 

Sometimes, you like, but the other dislikes. Others, you dislike, but the other don't care, and you have to run at ludicrous speed to get away. :(

 

Some other time you think you met the perfect one. B) And you end up like this:

 

 

In the end, only one knows when love has come. -_-:D

True, and good use of a funny video clip lol. :star:

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Mike_GX101

 

 

Your original post, contains many vague and negative generalisations and for this reason I would like to ask that you maybe elaborate a bit more.  For example: some listed points/questions might be useful so that the community might be better placed in answering your queries.

 

Thanks

Edited by Mike_GX101

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Your original post, contains many vague and negative generalisations and for this reason I would like to ask that you maybe elaborate a bit more.  For example: some listed points/questions might be useful so that the community might be better placed in answering your queries.

 

Thanks

 

 

Paragraph 3> Basically, judging by present day standard rather than dragging up the past too much, I have no noticeable social issues when talking to women yet I make no connection (and almost never have that’d see them asking me to “go out and do this” or “come along with us and do that”. I lived only in envy of others (for as far back as I’ve needed love) NT and aspies who managed to get it working with women so easily and quite often in ways I virtually never have. All my understanding of these situations comes largely from the films, TV shows or media which paint an unrealistic picture of how things ‘can’ go, but never do (I.E big bang theory Leonard and penny, british soaps you’re probably not familiar enough with for me to reference). I have never had a girl seek me out, nor am I in a position these days where I can (not that it’d change things.

 

Paragraph4>When you feel dejected, you see any situation with a half decent looking girl as being an opportunity (just because you think you deserve/need it, which would work out, if it were a TV show, in real life I don’t make the connection for any of a million reasons and it’s unlikely to be something I can improve more than I actually have in my position of needing rather than resenting love). Social clubs would work for the everyday guy in meeting girls, but uin my case I’m just the guy who’s there to talk to but not a proper friend (let alone anything more).

 

Paragrph 5> I’m almost afraid of NT women because they’re so different neurologically to me, they always want children, you have to be so ambitiouse and wanna do this that and the other, you’ve got a difficult social group of hers to interact with (god help you if it’s all girls). I’m used to seeing such amazing women who have great bodies, amazing voices, star quality personalities or just fantastic outer beauty, but 100% of the time (both in and outside of the few times I’ve shared those feelings and built up my hopes) it’s always a no for one reason or another and I have to quickly learn my lesson. A year ago I got with a girl for a couple of months whom I was only really with because I needed an opportunity to be with someone, but I was kidding myself into thinking that I liked anything about her (given that I felt she was below my league or below my pesonal definition of beauty) and unsuprisingly it ended, but I don’t count her as a girlfriend because of how mentally unstable she was.

 

You can be given great advice, but the reality is it doesn’t change ‘them’ out there (nor will they care anymore than what little they did) it only changes you, but you end up questioning whether you’re really able to follow the advice because it may be asking something of you that you’d already maxed out in the desperate need to make this work. In a forum all about love, the world is love, learning, opportunities and full of hope and people willing to talk and share so easily with one and other, but outside of it (not that you can blame them) they have no idea of this cyber world you’ve just involved yourself in and since they’re expectation of a guy is consitent with that of an NT (and all the limited variations of individuallity they claim to have) I don’t stand a chance because I am unable to succeed in pretending to be anything but myself, yet a relationship is so much more than just being honest, complimentary, romantic etc and girls don’t give guys such as me a chance on pity.

 

Any further information and you’ll have to reference a specific part in my article.

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Mike_GX101

Firstly something about this 50/50 thing:  For me, from my experience, there was that wanting to, but never quite getting there.  Maybe it was peer-pressure, or whatever, but I saw many of my friends get dates and become successful.  I knew many who had one-night stands every weekend.  And then there was me.  There was that dealing with the constant rejection and that grew with it a sense of profound loneliness and a sense of isolation.  Loneliness was a big thing for me (and still is in many ways).

 

You talk about this unrequited love and resulting anger of the rejection and yet talk little of the other side of the coin which is never having had a relationship and being rejected while desperately wanting a relationship.  That is another bad place to be and so it works both ways.

 

I know people who aren't bothered about relationships.  They're not interested.  But there are many people who are.  There are many people combing mens magazines, books and films looking for tips on how to be successful in dating.  I was one of those people - desperately searching.  Because it isn't something you can just flick a switch and it's gone.  We like others to be around.  Dating is just another aspect of that.  When you feel that loneliness, that sadness of being on your own, it isn't just something you can just switch off.  I wish it was that simple.  Rather it is something that needs to be fulfilled, as like a rumbling tummy that needs food.  You cannot just ignore it, or switch it off.  And in such a situation you've done the right thing in asking the question and reaching out to a community.  Keep doing that and hopefully you'll find the answers to your questions.

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RiRi

Hi, if I have this correctly, you have currently settled for a 4/10? Does that mean that you are actively seeking for girls who are less than average in your eyes? What is it that you're looking for in a girl (the personality, the looks, or?)? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems, to me, that in the past you've searched for a girl based on a criteria that you set for yourself, and maybe weren't very open to date outside of this criteria. 

I'm not sure what advice I can offer here. I've heard some find the person they were looking for when they stop looking.
 
The girl that you dated, how was she emotionally unstable?
 

Edited by Anna

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Firstly something about this 50/50 thing:  For me, from my experience, there was that wanting to, but never quite getting there.  Maybe it was peer-pressure, or whatever, but I saw many of my friends get dates and become successful.  I knew many who had one-night stands every weekend.

 

You talk about this unrequited love and resulting anger of the rejection and yet talk little of the other side of the coin which is never having had a relationship and being rejected while desperately wanting a relationship.  That is another bad place to be and so it works both ways.

 

I know people who aren't bothered about relationships.  They're not interested.  But there are many people who are.  There are many people combing mens magazines, books and films looking for tips on how to be successful in dating.  I was one of those people - desperately searching.  Because it isn't something you can just flick a switch and it's gone.  We like others to be around.  Dating is just another aspect of that.  When you feel that loneliness, that sadness of being on your own, it isn't just something you can just switch off.  I wish it was that simple.  Rather it is something that needs to be fulfilled, as like a rumbling tummy that needs food.  You cannot just ignore it, or switch it off.  And in such a situation you've done the right thing in asking the question and reaching out to a community.  Keep doing that and hopefully you'll find the answers to your questions.

 

Basically, 50% of me rejected and hated love when I was about 10 and by age 17 (I'm 26 now) this was more like 90%, because from then up until I was maybe 23 (despite mistakes I'd made that lead to me becoming depressed and anxious) I had a great life balanced with friends and so many other things I take less joy in nowadays. I put myself in the position where I was so vulnerable, eventually cracked and fell apart because of it and now (and probably forever more, though I wish I didn't need to) I need to be in such a position as a relationship (I could genuinely love if I wanted to, and the need has created that irreversible want).

 

The rejected side is literally that I just feel insignificant and overlooked in the world, because I lost my sense of purpose over the years and being in a relationship creates that dependecny on eachother, fulfil eachothers expectations and adapt around eachother. Online dating is and has pretty much always (though I've only been doing it on and off since early last year) been the only way I'd have a chance at getting a relationship because there is usually very little meaningful conversation with women otherwise and certainly no romantic interest. I'm in the position now where I just can't be in a position to be rejected face to face anymore, nor face the indignity of it (knowing that you see that person day in day out). As far as online dating goes, I've changed a lot around the advice of others, but I've probably asked more on more forums than most people because my gradual understanding of my faults (those that can be identified and or explain) has in some cases allowed me in my own way to address certain things needing to be changed, but all of this is waaaay outside of my comfort zone. All I've had in the past is a couple of days out with a girl I was friends with (who inevitably broke contact after we were no longing at the same workplace every weekend) and the other girl who was my messed up girlfriend in our messed up relationship for 2 months last year. I basically have to be spoon or baby fed so much info on this because I'm apparently more clueless or inept than most aspies, yet you'd never know it just by talking to me (probably explains the occassional times people are curiouse or suprised I've never really had a girlfriend before).

Hi, if I have this correctly, you have currently settled for a 4/10? Does that mean that you are actively seeking for girls who are less than average in your eyes? What is it that you're looking for in a girl (the personality, the looks, or?)? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems, to me, that in the past you've searched for a girl based on a criteria that you set for yourself, and maybe weren't very open to date outside of this criteria. 

I'm not sure what advice I can offer here. I've heard some find the person they were looking for when they stop looking.

 

The girl that you dated, how was she emotionally unstable?

 

Ok so to ellaborate a bit on this. She was a girl I 'used' to date (for 2 months, a year ago) but on top of just her regular aspergers (which I could've happily embraced as a positive, as I'd still hope to do with a more typical aspie girl) she additionally had numerous health ailments (annoying, but again this I could deal with), the bigger problems were those happening at home (supposedly being singled out by some of her family and having various difficulties which could make her argumentative with herself, much less me) but the worst (which had left its marks and explains why she's never held down a decent relationship since or has escaped abusive ones) is that she was raped as a child, never clearly got the proper help and so was messed up by that and overly sexual nowadays (even met older men through sugardaddy sites). Unfortunately she brought out the worst in being an aspie (despite the lessons I learnt by being with her). I settled for her because I was at my most vulnerable (romantically speaking) and in her photo she looked slightly better looking, but I tried kidding myself into thinking she fit any of my criteria of beautiful, she didn't and I won't make the mistake of settling for uncertainty again (so a few girls who did message me and were on par with her looks, were thus rightfully rejected). I have an extremely wide range of ideas and tastes though as to what qualifies as beautiful to me- it must start with looks but end with a great personality (a hot body and various physical attributes is icing on the cake, but never a neccesity) and I have some rascial preferences (though none are excluded) and all body types are appreciated (though perhaps to some peoples suprise, I'm a greater lover of average/bbw women who take pride in being the size they are). Sex to me is not essential, just icing on the cake to be built up to after a few weeks or months, but not something I allow myself to think about in the meantime or sometimes at all.

Edited by Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

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RiRi

Thank you for elaborating. Well, I'm sorry that she never got the proper help. I think rape is probably very hard to overcome as well. I can see how that can turn out problematic when she ends up doing it with multiple guys outside of the relationship. 
 
What do you mean by "I won't make the mistake of settling for uncertainty again?" Do you mean that you won't settle for someone who you aren't okay with dating from the start or was there something about her that was uncertain? I think maybe you mean contradictory? Her picture showed she was pretty, but she turned out not to be? 
 
In the future, I don't think you should base yourself on whether girls look like the previous girl you dated or not, don't think that just because they look like her they are like her. They might turn out to be different.

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