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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

The_Unrequited_Love_And_Resulting_Anger_Of_The_Rejected_Aspie (**me**)

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Thank you for elaborating. Well, I'm sorry that she never got the proper help. I think rape is probably very hard to overcome as well. I can see how that can turn out problematic when she ends up doing it with multiple guys outside of the relationship. 

 

What do you mean by "I won't make the mistake of settling for uncertainty again?" Do you mean that you won't settle for someone who you aren't okay with dating from the start or was there something about her that was uncertain? I think maybe you mean contradictory? Her picture showed she was pretty, but she turned out not to be? 

 

In the future, I don't think you should base yourself on whether girls look like the previous girl you dated or not, don't think that just because they look like her they are like her. They might turn out to be different.

Before she was with me she was in an abusive relationship with a man old enough to be her dad and lived with him, prior to that she was essentially a more tasteful prostitute (though I didn't let her call herself that) and prior to that she was just going from one guy to another trying to lose her virginity.

By 'uncertainty' I meant from based on what I saw in the photo of her, she wasn't being deceptive, but if I was as uncertain as I was, then I should never have entered into the 2 months relationship. To date I've kept my word and kindly rejected 4 other girls who right from seeing their photo I knew I didn't like (I don't compare them to her in any way, they're all just in the privately 'unsatisfactory' category of my mind). Prior to her I did make contact with girls I did find fairly attractive, but for different reasons I blew it in the online conversation, the only nice looking girl since then agreed to meet but then broke off all contact immediately after, my account was open, but inactive for months and up until a few days ago (not because of her though).

 

I have a better profile with better photos these days, it's too early to tell but it doesn't seem to have made a difference despite receiving unanimous approval on some of the forums I've recently shown them all on. However, Im only on P.O.F at the moment and have only sent messages to a few girls (average looking guys typically do 100 or so just to be lucky enough in getting one or two responses from that due to inactive account, uninterested girls etc factoring in)..

Edited by Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

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Mike_GX101

Perhaps you need to review what you want.  Draw up a list of what attributes you are attracted to and ask how important they are.  Could some of those attributes be re-jigged and maybe worked at?  Are you setting the bar too high at the moment?  See every person you meet is a new person.  Saying that you will avoid this or that in future based on a past relationship you didn't have all the facts over to start with is a bit self-defeatist.  While you can learn some things, you cannot know all things. 

 

See it like entering a building you've never been to before.  You're in the hallway.  You know that this new building has similarities to the previous building.  BUT you don't know how this new building is furnished and you might be pleasantly surprised to find that deeper inside this new building is an as-yet undiscovered something you will connect to.  Give things time to develop and see beyond the cosmetic exterior.  Explore deeper, see them for what they really are and then review what you want.  Maybe once, having learned the new date, you don't feel comfortable and that's when you know it's time to go.  But give people a chance and maybe consider lowering your bar.  Otherwise, you might never progress beyond the hallway.  And how is your hallway by the way?  Does your hallway tell others about you?  Or would you want them to see more?  Would you want them to see your lounge which represents a much greater part of you?!?  Think about it and try to involve yourself and others much more before making or breaking potential dates.  Then, maybe, some of those you've turned down already without even a first date, might turn out to be valuable dates afterall.

Edited by Mike_GX101

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RiRi

I see. Yeah, your latest post kind of adds on to your having a criteria of women whom you'd like to date and you don't seem very open to going out of that criteria. For example, the girls who you saw from the pictures, and knew you wouldn't date them. Also, knowing that if you go into a relationship with a girl that is outside of your criteria then you already think that the relationship is bound to fail. Another example, only sending messages to attractive girls.
 
What do you think happened in the conversation that blew it off? If it wasn't because of her, why did you deactivate your account or why was that detail necessary for your post?

 

I agree with what Mike_GX101 wrote. You might be setting the bar too high and you can reconsider your criteria and perhaps be more open to dating people outside of it.

Edited by Anna

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Perhaps you need to review what you want.  Draw up a list of what attributes you are attracted to and ask how important they are.  Could some of those attributes be re-jigged and maybe worked at?  Are you setting the bar too high at the moment?  See every person you meet is a new person.  Saying that you will avoid this or that in future based on a past relationship you didn't have all the facts over to start with is a bit self-defeatist.  While you can learn some things, you cannot know all things. 

 

See it like entering a building you've never been to before.  You're in the hallway.  You know that this new building has similarities to the previous building.  BUT you don't know how this new building is furnished and you might be pleasantly surprised to find that deeper inside this new building is an as-yet undiscovered something you will connect to.  Give things time to develop and see beyond the cosmetic exterior.  Explore deeper, see them for what they really are and then review what you want.  Maybe once, having learned the new date, you don't feel comfortable and that's when you know it's time to go.  But give people a chance and maybe consider lowering your bar.  Otherwise, you might never progress beyond the hallway.  And how is your hallway by the way?  Does your hallway tell others about you?  Or would you want them to see more?  Would you want them to see your lounge which represents a much greater part of you?!?  Think about it and try to involve yourself and others much more before making or breaking potential dates.  Then, maybe, some of those you've turned down already without even a first date, might turn out to be valuable dates afterall.

 

The last sentence is too true, something I have to remember to accept so as not to put too much pressure on myself (as I often do). You mention a list of attributes, well here's the problem with that, either I'm bipolar or, well you'll soon find out; physical attributes- all sizes (body features included) with perhaps a slight preference for larger women. Ethnical desire- I prefer the thought of dating girls of other races (especially black and Indian, but I could easily still settle with other types of asians or even white girls). Persionality- shy and quiet has it's attractions for be but I can also love outspoken confident girls (naughty or nice- in a non sexual way I mean). I'd prefer a girl who shared some of my interests (and this I've mentioned as an actual desire) but I'd still be open to someone who didn't who took an interest in me. Sexual desires is the same too.

 

I see. Yeah, your latest post kind of adds on to your having a criteria of women whom you'd like to date and you don't seem very open to going out of that criteria. For example, the girls who you saw from the pictures, and knew you wouldn't date them. Also, knowing that if you go into a relationship with a girl that is outside of your criteria then you already think that the relationship is bound to fail. Another example, only sending messages to attractive girls.

 

What do you think happened in the conversation that blew it off? If it wasn't because of her, why did you deactivate your account or why was that detail necessary for your post?

 

I agree with what Mike_GX101 wrote. You might be setting the bar too high and you can reconsider your criteria and perhaps be more open to dating people outside of it.

In the first two conversation I knew what blew them off (one was my fault and the other was not,) in the recent one of a few months or more ago, we were messenging eachother back and forth plenty for a couple of days, she even sent me a sample of her voice), things were going fairly well right up until we came to set a time and place to meet, she specified when she was available but then blocked me everywhere (despite the fact that she gave me her mobile number off of her own accord so it'd be easier to speak more easily). I didn't deactivate my account, but I think I just went through periods where I'd send out 10's of messages (gradually getting better at doing that as I did) and then I'd leave it for a while after that (or not in the one instance where I got a reply). To be fair there was just March/April 2014 (followed by Nicole April-June 2014, the loosely termed girlfriend I mentioned) and then January of this year followed again by now.

 

In the end even the sex didn't really work with that previous girl and quite a lot of it probably had something to do with me not (nor ever) finding her attractive. I sort of liked being around her, but the more I got to know her the worse things gradually got. I have lowered my bar in that I go after girls who I perceive to be in my own league and of whom I have common interests with or display interesting details in their profile. But dating a girl you find ugly is surely never a good place to start (nor fair to them) because you shouldn't have to tell yourself you need to find her attractive, it should just be there to begin with and if it's not then she's a friend at best, but probably not that. Face to face when I failed on the few times I tried, I never went for someone too high above my perceived league and obviously didn't go for anyone I didn't find attractive (otherwise you may as well just as any old girl out).

Edited by Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

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Mike_GX101

Like I said in my previous post, you'll have to do some soul-searching on this one and consider whether you are setting the bar too high or your scope is too shallow.  It sounds as if you're making yourself too exclusive and this is clearly clashing with your wanting to date.  And with such inner-conflict going on it is self-defeatist.  Take a break.  Take up a hobby.  Learn a bit more about yourself and what you do want and maybe in time you will have a better idea.  And maybe you might even meet your perfect match!  But give it time.  You can't rush these things.

Edited by Mike_GX101

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RiRi

Maybe she changed her mind? Did you give her any contact information? Did she get your number, etc?
 
Sorry the red text was kind of hard to read for me, and it's hurting my eyes having to read it a second time, although I did read it. I saw the pictures and I agree with what you define attractive and what you don't. I also agree with if you find a girl ugly from the start then maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to date them.

 

I agree with Mike_GX101 maybe a break from searching would be good for you. 

Edited by Anna

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Asgardian

...


 

Edited by Phil

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RiRi

I'd like to add that perhaps these people aren't attractive exteriorly, physical appearance wise, they might not be appealing, but you don't know how they are from the inside. I had initially asked you something about whether you had tried to do things the other way around (but I edited out), such as talked to someone before seeing their picture. You'd be amazed at how great some of these people could be as a human being that perhaps the exterior won't matter much.

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Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Like I said in my previous post, you'll have to do some soul-searching on this one and consider whether you are setting the bar too high or your scope is too shallow.  It sounds as if you're making yourself too exclusive and this is clearly clashing with your wanting to date.  And with such inner-conflict going on it is self-defeatist.  Take a break.  Take up a hobby.  Learn a bit more about yourself and what you do want and maybe in time you will have a better idea.  And maybe you might even meet your perfect match!  But give it time.  You can't rush these things.

Please explain on the 'making yourself too exclusive', I've barely begun to send out messages this time around but there's plenty of choice (having decided not to include messaging super models. The taking a break part sort of makes sense, although I did between June 2014-Jan 2015 when I got on with other things in my life (exactly what I did after the few weeks of trying at the beginning of this year). Soul-searching sounds interesting. But again, why would I choose to date a girl who to begin with I already knew wasn't physically attractive to me, if she's a 0-5 by my definition, then I won't ever really be able to love her (friendhsip is a possiblity to a degree, but most aren't looking for this) anyone I'd rate a 6-8 is the type of person I look for, but I discard those who don't seem interesting some of the time, as I'm not going purely by looks.

 

Maybe she changed her mind? Did you give her any contact information? Did she get your number, etc?

 

Sorry the red text was kind of hard to read for me, and it's hurting my eyes having to read it a second time, although I did read it. I saw the pictures and I agree with what you define attractive and what you don't. I also agree with if you find a girl ugly from the start then maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to date them.

 

I agree with Mike_GX101 maybe a break from searching would be good for you. 

Ahahaha :lol: ...ok I've changed the text colour, sorry about that. I'm not sure how one can agree or disagree with who someone finds attractive, but I'm glad you do. It's not me trying to be vein or selling myself short, just my opinion. Yes we had eachothers contact detail, she blocked me on whatsapp and POF.

 

Do you actually know those people?

On the far left, I dated one of them and all the others on that column are ones who messaged me of which I didn't find attractive. The others in the other colums were ideal examples taken from a dating site I was with (the middle being ones I messaged).

 

I'd like to add that perhaps these people aren't attractive exteriorly, physical appearance wise, they might not be appealing, but you don't know how they are from the inside. I had initially asked you something about whether you had tried to do things the other way around (but I edited out), such as talked to someone before seeing their picture. You'd be amazed at how great some of these people could be as a human being that perhaps the exterior won't matter much.

And this is why I like posting my numerous problems in the highly uknown (to me) world of romantics and women (especially NT women). I'm gonna 'like' that one. To answer your question (and I don't want anyone thinking I'm a wise-guy with an answer for everything) I tried that over the many years of my life and if the person at the other end was evebntually revealed not to be attractive then I lost interest because they'd only fulfilled half of what I wanted. To not be able to look at the person you're with and feel that (though not a universal 10/10) they're beautiful in every way to you (eventually growing from a 6 or 7 to become 10/10 just through spending more time with them) surely has to be ther aim of the game. I'd feel guilty telling someone I loved them only to know that I don't think their pretty (god forbid they ask, I can't lie and yet I dare not tell the truth). :unsure:

Edited by Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

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Asgardian

On the far left, I dated one of them and all the others on that column are ones who messaged me of which I didn't find attractive. The others in the other colums were ideal examples taken from a dating site I was with (the middle being ones I messaged).

OK.

Edited by Phil

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