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mofthree

Making a child with aspergers apologize.

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mofthree

Hi,

 

Should you make a child with aspergers apologize for their behavior if it hurts another child's feelings?  

 

Thanks,

Lisa

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blacktiger911

why not. if you yourself have aspergers and your child gets it you should have all the tools from your own experience. and there isn't a 100% chance of you offspring having aspergers. I believe that if you want to have a kid go for it! I want to have a daughter of my own one day! :)

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No Longer Here

Yes they should apologise, but it should be explained exactly what behaviour was wrong and how it made the other child feel. It should also be backed up with a problem solving approach of helping the Aspie child avoid future such incidents.

What would also really help is that the child who's feelings were hurt to receive some explanation of Asperger's in the context of the incident.

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CrohnicallyAwkward

Yes and no.

There isn't much point 'making' a child (AS or NT) apologise.

I would go for a problem solving/logical/social story type approach: X's feelings were hurt by what you did because... When we hurt people accidentally we can say sorry and that makes them feel better. Would you like to say sorry to x? What could we do next time so that X's feelings aren't hurt? (And if the child doesn't want to say sorry, a logical consequence is that 'X is hurt and wants to be left alone for a while')

The problem solving bit is very important because in order to avoid doing something 'wrong' you need to understand how to do it right. Imagine you are in a foreign country and you don't speak the language. Someone comes over in a threatening manner, you are scared and you hit them and they back off, but you get in trouble for hitting. The next day someone else comes over in a threatening manner... Chances are you would hit them again because you don't know what else to do and it worked last time regardless of the fact you got into trouble after. However, if someone had told you 'we don't hit, if it happens again shout 'help' loudly' you would have tried that instead.

As Andy said I would also try and explain a little bit about AS. My daughter (aged 3) is at nursery with a little boy who I am sure is autistic (obviously staff can't confirm or deny it!) and she knows that X finds some things (like talking/listening) more difficult than she does, and sometimes hits because he doesn't always understand when someone is 'only playing'.

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Ben

AndyR and ChronicallyAwkward are spot on with this. Good manners are accumulated - they're not just given to a child instantly. Be the example you want them to be. If you want them to apologise then explain to them why. Because I remember being a child and not caring how other people felt. And my mother knew this (mums always seem to know, weird eh?) so she spent years developing empathy in me.  

 

It's ALL about consistency with children on the spectrum. It won't come straight away, so you just have to stay patient and remain kind in order to get the message across. Stern instructions will not work, because they'll associate that with being told off. When in essence, they haven't actually done anything wrong. 

 

I'm not a parent by the way, I'm just reflecting back to childhood. 

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blacktiger911

sorry I miss read the question I thought you were asking if its okay I have a kid if you have aspergers, it was late and I was tired please just ignore my previous comment.

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RiRi

Definitely, if they are your child, please have them apologize, but make sure to explain the situation thoroughly to them and ask if they have any questions. Also, please have them know that apologizing is not a bad thing. :)

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HollowClown

When I was a child I got into quarrels on a daily basis, there were too many things I just didn't understand. So each time, my parents had a little talk with me regarding social norms and acceptable behavior. I didn't assimilate, but I eventually found a middle ground. As to your question, take your child aside, have little talk. Determine if it's actually your child that is in the wrong and not the other way around. We Aspies often have a very steadfast sense of justice, right and wrong and act accordingly. If your child is in the wrong, explain the situation and don't make or force it to apologize but rather give it proper reasons for apologizing. I find that people often are too sensitive regarding their own feelings and those of other people. It really depends on what your child said, but it is usually way better to let your kid find their way to apologize (or not apologize) than force it to do so.

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