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xpax

Aspie+HSP burnt out at 56, lost in NT world

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xpax

Hello everyone,

:)  To "Keep It Simple Silly..."

i (hate capitalizing my "I"s) am a time capsule of the 1970s. Pierre Trudeau and Nixon always were and always would be, i thought.
School saw me go from Grade 1 through 12 the "accepted oddball" because of my HSP (re Elaine Aron, re Sensory Processing Sensitivity) second brain structure unbullied there because with HSP i got a feeling "read" of people interacting. Though i stood off to the side, i replied in like manner as i read, always speaking up when spoken to -- no reason yet to be afraid. So somehow i was accepted, it being the late 60s to late 70s there weren't many bullies i think.
Graduating Grade 12, i sat alone in a window seat in a room where a class might get held, but finals were on and everyone must be somewhere "cramming." i suddenly saw two girls in my class sitting on each side of a tall, narrow window ledge to my left. They may have well been martians, for all the interest i had in them -- i'm virgin aspie remember! They certainly knew me well enough not to be afraid. Then the one facing me began looking at me oddly, like "that guy ain't ready for the real world!" Books and notebooks piled on my desk, ready to work, the "accepted oddball" hoped for a class!

My psych and me agreed "a church should be a safe place to work on my social anxiety disorder."

For 2 years it was heaven on earth. We 20 or so accepted each other unconditionally and uncondemningly, unjudgingly, unreservedly, for we were all baprized into the same Faith. Our Minister said "we look after our own."
That  excellent Minister had to leave with a 5-way bypass the doc said "I'd never seen anyone look that bad who was still alive." We were undoubtedly ALL praying and fasting for him. Now he's Minister of his Hometown Maritimes! What GOD fixes HE fixes well.

Then that aspie paradise became a torture chamber.
A "macho man" joker of a Minister took over, pounding the laws and to heck with mercy. And he didn't know what to do with people like me (thankfully already baptized because he would never ever do it) and my pal aboriginal Al Brooks (failing with kidney failure) who was working to get baptized.
This minister stood who he didn't understand in a corner of his "playbook" to rot. And rot we did. He told Al "I'd just be getting you wet" which is not a joking matter to a dying man! Al had a home dialysis machine. Personally i believe he denied himself the dialysis until he died of "natural causes."
Then our Macho Minister let a Macho Man covert narcissist into the fold. That ended my honeymoon with the LCG.

Always having been in everyone's good books, this Narc saw i am a gentleman and a nice guy. He began with unending public and private insults, put-down, and embarrassments. i thought this was so stupid he was bound to stop. He continued for another 2 1/2 years. AND my pal he turned to his Macho doctrine (which i didn't fit) which turned my pal into calling me "wimp, unworthy, excuses, crutches, afraid, and delusional." What a turn of a coin!

But i have the HSP trait of unconsciously absorbing every tidbit of negativity i get, even though i think i am letting it slide off my back. And the aspie/HSP trait of trying to work it out with our persecutors. So he hammered me, and i simply went back for more, from him and my ex-pal.

The Narc took me on our "Church Feast" on his own dime to Penticton in 2011. In the second week i attempted suicide. Thank GOD HE intervened and messed up my mind. All the Narc said was "What would that have done to the Church?" A valid concern i should have thought of, but i'm the one in inconceivable pain! Still he dragged me around all day and evening by an invisible nose-ring, insulting me to everyone right to my face.

HSPs cannot tolerate confrontation, it is physically painful. When the narc sent me an attack email that my ex-pal agreed with, i forwarded them both to our macho Minister who took them aside for secret "words." My ex-pal fell largely silent. My narc pal said "we will only shake hands at Church because some words were said to me." But the narc needs his food (me), and soon repented of that.
One other thing he does is keep people from me. i really don't know how. Once i was talking to a long-timer, and the narc walked slowly over. The guy shut up. i wondered what was going on. Narc put one foot up on the chair in front of my fellow and stared at him a good three minutes, during which time he paid him back no attention at all. Then the narc slowly returned to his chair. The message was "don't be talking to pussy here" as he would call me, IN CHURCH AND NOBODY OBJECTED!!!

i was the dependable Doorman at Church. From 2009 to 2014 i was absent more and more until they had to replace me as doorman. That hurt.
November 2014 was the first of over a year of absences. The first week absent i had planned to take 120 Methotrimeprazine Maleate sleeping pills during the Sermon, then lay down on the front row (where i was always alone) to die, but i couldn't do that to them.
i had been pushing though panic attacks to attend until then, with the help of 4 Valium and 2 Xanax. Then they became no help, and i stayed home.

The Narc's abuse reminded me of my youngest older sister's abuse. The two rose together to make attending too painful to endure.
Then in January of February 2015 i had a mild breakdown over the thought "i will never attend agan, ever!"
It took a month of face-bawling (never tasted tears before) at the slightest provocation before i dared go in outside and be sure not to bawl like a babe.
Then a lengthy Depressive Crash (still going) and renewed Agoraphobia about going anywhere but what is 2 blocks away remains.

i managed 4 scattered attendances recently, but always followed by failures.
When i get off that elevator and turn left at the crowd, it is like a hundred people are talking in my ear at once (HSP). i have to pull a micro-focus around me to keep from getting "reads" off everybody i merely glance at, and pay attention to who i find to talk to first.
We aspies have a terrible time shifting focus from one person to another, but it is possible if they give us a few seconds to "take them in" to know how to greet them.
Yes, and the HSP read helps with that enormously, i imagine, because i have never been without HSP and only aspie!

i must resume attending this church (not the people) a.s.a.p., or i shall go crazy. To the Church i am devoted, some members not so much, and the narc conned his way in like a thief.
RETURN i must!
If i am not re-attending this summer, i will lose my mind. This is my church more than the narc's.

Can anyone please help me? ANY idea, great or tiny is fantastic. Big oak trees grow from one acorn. No idea is too small please? i will answer any questions.
Thank you all ! Every one of you is a living breathing MIRACLE.
 

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xpax

Hello Everyone!

:) i think i need to Keep It Simpler Still !

i thought i was surviving.

In March 2009 (seems eons ago, eh?) i found a great church to join on suggestion from my Psych that it would be a safe place to exercise my Social Anxiety Disorder. He was right on! Two years of "heaven on earth" with about a dozen on the most unconditionally loving and accepting people i ever met in my life. And their beliefs happened to be in sync with mine. And a jolly old minister who was a brilliant people person, at you service with one phone call. The first positive group social experience i have ever had (beside School years, another story).

In March 2011 my narcissist showed up as a visitor. i will call him "Narc."

Not yet knowing is was aspie (86% affected) and SPS (100% affected - sensory processing sensitivity aka HSP not an empath) he discovered i was the ONE person in the congregation and Ministry he could not (1) gain approval of, to his mind (2) have control over, again to his mind. And no surprise, right people?

After 3 1/2 years of narcissistic bashing (he sorta was friendly with me at first to learn my weak and hurt spots) i could no longer attend Services. i could no longer push past the Panic Attacks i had every time i tried to get out that door to church, even with 4 Valium and 1 Xanax. That was November 2014. Now it is July 2016. i have managed to attend about five times in all that time, once in two consecutive weeks, but could never return. i find now, that when i let anyone (even our NEW Minister know i plan to attend the coming weekend, Narc contacts me and pushes some kind of button so that indeed i do not make it.

i think i am Agoraphobic, or maybe it is heaped up Social Anxiety, or maybe i am a stubborn aspie who will not quit even if it kills me.

Which it is.

My SPS is burning me out through all this maxed-out stress, suicidal depression, and social anxiety (i like my third commas, and hate capital "i"s). Now i have clinical Hypothyroidism from an unknown disease tiring me out, big cell anemia again from an unknown disease tiring me out, and hypoglycemia, oh joy! All 5 sprung up since Narc's trying to get me out of his little social club... now 60 people and growing.

Being SPS, i have tried to tell select others Narc is a covert narcissist, but they laugh me down. SPSs physically pain at confrontation. Combined with aspiness it shuts down (blanks) my thoughts/words when i try. i plain cannot seem to "win."

Help?

Any comment is a great comment, because it is from eyes and a mind outside of mine -- perspective i do not care how small it seems -- may be the key to a revelation for me.

Many thanks to All who read this second writing.
 

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Gone away

I'd stay away from the church and try and leave bad rubbish behind. Start a new path ...

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Eli

I relate to you in several ways. I am also Aspie+HSP, and I have also been subject to emotional abuse, as well as other kinds of abuse from multiple sources. It is terrifying. I know the feeling of pit of your stomach, decaying dread. Try to remember that you do still have control. It can be difficult to really hear the things I'm going to stay when you're in that pit, so if you are now, bear with me, and possibly come back to it or try to discover it for yourself by your own means.

Anything I say is most likely what you know, at least deep down. But understanding something theoretically or even intuitively is separated by a deep, sprawling gulf from application in one's life. The first thing, before anything else can take place and stick, is to disengage from any abusive environments, if you are able. And you have to try to remember that you can't really control other people as external entities...you can only control yourself. You belong to you, on the inside. And your emotions are NOT you. They are as separate from you as other people. It can be a long journey to finding your center, but you have probably been there, before. It is silent, and seeks to feel or know anything. It doesn't require circumstances or identity. It just is, and so it is only peace. Any bad feelings can be placed upon the edge, they can dance about in the peripheral, but when you feel something getting close and affecting you, simply regard it. "Oh, there's hurt there," or "Oh, look there's anger." People say, " I am angry", as though they are anger incarnate. You do not have to be a slave to emotion.

I have been raised a Christian, and will always be a Christian, but in my later years I have discovered that Buddhist teachings have served as very applicable to every day life, as well. It has stabilized and tamed my mind significantly, and so has removing myself from abusive people and places. I have had a lot of trouble in life with categorizing these two situations: 1) I can stay in peace here, and nothing will affect me emotionally and 2) This place is unhealthy for me, and the best course of action is to leave. It's something you have to discover for yourself depending on the situation.

Life is a mine field for us, but we may just be ones who are strong enough to carry such burdens. I have often wondered at certain other people and thought, there is no way you could handle being me, you'd check out, pronto. But I am still here, and so are you. And you're not alone.

Remember, the pit you end up in is not bottomless and you can always climb out. Peace is always there, for the taking. But you have to clear the pipes and accept it. You deserve it. YOU DESERVE it.

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Eli

BTW, I have been in a particular situation that I think may be somewhat uncommon, but perhaps it could help you, here. In college, I was approached by two people and they seemed friendly and interesting, and they flat out said they were interested in befriending me. I had not had friends in a long time, due to emotional trauma from the past and other things. I approached sort of like, um, okay sure. Long story short, it was a cult. I figured this out before anything got really bad for me, thank God. This is speculation, but it sounds a little like this place you describe is going in that direction. I would research red flags of cult activity. In any case, I would also just like to say that I know it's tempting to stay in a place that's familiar rather than risk having to start over, but if a place is making you hurt so much, you need to remember that it doesn't have to be that way. You are not obligated, do not tie yourself down or make yourself addicted to a place, person or circumstance because you're afraid it will be hard or scary to leave it behind. You're not helpless.

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Eli

Ugh, okay, one more thing! You are categorizing yourself A LOT. I am not a doctor, and it may very well be that you do suffer from all of those things. I know the relief that can come with putting a name to something you feel, like you're not so lost and alone. Our brains are compelled to categorize, it's what they do. But do be careful with too many labels even if they're accurate. I have found that it has the potential from becoming a crutch, and affecting your ability to function and cope. Just a thought. Okay, this time, I'm done! :P

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