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Nesf

How social are you?

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Nesf
I think I had tried to do too much socialising and fitting in and I was getting in a really bad way over it and I was getting in trouble, which caused the break down which just started one day with a meltdown, which I remember very vividly. It was horrible. I tried to pick myself up from it, but it wasn't working and it led to the bad time. Ugh!

 

I didn't know you studied German with International Studies! That's quite interesting. I really liked German. 

 

 

That's good that you are still able to be friends with those where you used to live  :) I prefer that sort of friendship too, where you don't have to see them so often. It's nicer that way. 

And it's okay you don't see the school friends outside of school, you've got other things to do. 

That sounds horrific, Sofi! I can understand how you want to avoid social situations. Mine was caused by my inability to cope with work - I didn't really have a social life - and i had two incidents, the first where I had a meltdown followed by a day of constantly being sick and being unable to face work, so I stayed at home in bed. The second was when I couldn't face work and started feeling extremely sick and took almost a week off, and I eventually told them I couldn't do it any more and resigned. Again, the job I was doing, being a teacher, demands good people/social skills, as well as the ability to react quickly to challenges, and I was no good at this - I caved under the pressure, I guess. Anyway, that's in the past, these things are awful when they happen, but it's in the past and we have to somehow find the strength to pick up the pieces and continue with our lifes, trying to get the best out of them.

 

 

They live in the city I used to live in, which is a little over an hour away from me.it is a good friendship, and when we do see each other we get along well. We tend to go ice skating, or play games. I also have friends in school I don't really see out of school. I did see them out of school sometimes, but it's tapered off since I haven't invited them back as I've been busy and things. There doesn't seem to be hard feelings though, everyone is busy anyway so it's more understandable! I don't mind the cinema, since "full" in our cinema is one family per row :P

I agree with Sofi that this kind of friendship is easier to manage. My mum, for example, has three or four very intense friendships where she's on the phone for hours at a time talking to the same person, and if for some reason she doesn't call, her friend gets upset. I had a friend who did this to me for a brief period and I really couldn't cope with it, I found it suffocating and very tiring. I never phone anyone to chat, only when I need to make arrangements or for business. I hate using the phone anyway, it's my mortal enemy :) I have a friend who i see occasionally, and I get on well with her.

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Sofi
That sounds horrific, Sofi! I can understand how you want to avoid social situations. Mine was caused by my inability to cope with work - I didn't really have a social life - and i had two incidents, the first where I had a meltdown followed by a day of constantly being sick and being unable to face work, so I stayed at home in bed. The second was when I couldn't face work and started feeling extremely sick and took almost a week off, and I eventually told them I couldn't do it any more and resigned. Again, the job I was doing, being a teacher, demands good people/social skills, as well as the ability to react quickly to challenges, and I was no good at this - I caved under the pressure, I guess. Anyway, that's in the past, these things are awful when they happen, but it's in the past and we have to somehow find the strength to pick up the pieces and continue with our lifes, trying to get the best out of them.

 

 

I agree with Sofi that this kind of friendship is easier to manage. My mum, for example, has three or four very intense friendships where she's on the phone for hours at a time talking to the same person, and if for some reason she doesn't call, her friend gets upset. I had a friend who did this to me for a brief period and I really couldn't cope with it, I found it suffocating and very tiring. I never phone anyone to chat, only when I need to make arrangements or for business. I hate using the phone anyway, it's my mortal enemy :) I have a friend who i see occasionally, and I get on well with her.

 

I can imagine a demanding job, particularly one like yours was which was even more stressful for someone with ASD, would cause a reaction like that. I remember just going to bed one day and I didn't leave it for a long time, despite my Mum insisting I did. I usually eventually get up but that time, I couldn't and so I knew something was wrong with me. I ended up feeling like that for the best part of the year, although I got out of bed but I just developed bad habits and a bad routine. After feeling like that, it's near impossible to try to imagine going out and socialising. It becomes even more difficult the longer you go without doing things like that. I can just see all the things which could go wrong. I feel ashamed of how I was when I felt like that. I still am like that to an extent, but not as bad. 

Nowadays, I have no opportunities to go out and be social anyway, even if I wanted to! Well, I have this one event upcoming. That'll be the most social thing I've done since then.

 

I prefer online friendships where you don't need to see them, such as these friendships we've made on this forum. I have had other online friendships before too, from other websites and games. I started making friends online when I was 10, and I didn't have any in real life then. I still know of some of them online too, but we don't talk often at all. I like how you can have a friendship online but there's not the expectation to talk so much but can just talk whenever you want. And yes, typing is easier than talking on the phone. I've rarely spoken to any friend on the phone. I think I did with one friend and I remember just putting the phone up to my speakers playing music and walked away and forgot about it  :lol:

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Peridot

I think I'm about a 6 on a scale from 0 to 10. I have a relatively small number of friends and aquaintances.

 

I don't really struggle socially. Groups I don't have a problem with unless it's the kind of thing where you just feel that people become all rowdy and dangerous after a while. :lol: It's something that happens. But when it's just a number of people spending time together in a pleasant way, it's just fun. A mature environment where people aren't pressured into acting one way or the other but where everyone just remains themselves and everyone is having a good time.

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mary

I think as I got older I got better with the whole socialising thing.  I don't remember having a lot of friends, or even being interested in having a lot of friends, during my schooling, but I did have some friends.  There were friends that I had during school that I'd not even imagine going to hang out with afterwards, and then there were the friends I spent some time with after.

 

When I got to highschool I pretty much hung around with the same few people all the time after school.  There were 5 of us, a girl and her sisters (they were a year younger and twins) and then another girl.  Sometimes we'd all hang out together, and sometimes it'd be me, and both girls minus the sisters, and other times it'd be all the sisters and me.  It was rather funny as a lot of the time if we were all out together with her parents people thought I was one of the daughters as their father was dutch, although their mum was Malaysian / Indian.  Made for some interesting conversations.

 

Anyway, when I came over here we all kept in touch for a bit, but when I went home the year after for my grandad's funeral things went kind of bad because I said I wasn't coming back to live there and would be staying in the UK.  Things went from bad to worse and it seemed that my friend (and to a point her sisters) were very angry at me not going home.  I used to go around to their house most evenings after work and I'd ferry us around of a weekend in the car - looking back I can see that if I was to stay in Australia I'd have never gotten out of the cycle of 'being there' for them.

 

Most of the jobs I've had here haven't really been condusive to me making great friendships along the way, although I have had some really good friends, some through the most random of things, like going to gigs etc.

 

I then became very involved in the metal scene and was running my own site, running a UK fanclub for a Finnish band, photographing / interviewing bands etc.  That made me somewhat more social as I HAD to talk to these people, their management etc.  I forced myself to talk to people at festivals and such likes as I knew that was the only way I was going to make it in the industry.

 

I would go out many times a week at some points, and would spend a lot of time talking to fans of the bands, the bands themselves and people who worked at the venues.  I can't say that I was ever comfortable with this, not as comfortable as I should have probably been to be in the industry, but once I got into the photo pit none of that mattered as I was there to do a job.  Much the same as when I was doing the interviews... I cut myself off from it and just saw it as a 'job'.

 

I thew myself into it and got pretty far, even getting photos published in magazines and befriending many people, some of whom I still speak with now that I've not even been in the industry / scene for nearly two years.  Do I regret anything!?  Yes, and in fact I was thinking about this yesterday, I'd have gotten much further with my work had I been able to be even social and 'friendly' with people, but I found that I really had a hard time doing the whole sucking up thing that people do to get somewhere.

 

I don't do any of this now, and kind of miss it in some ways, but now I take Lottie out and am forced more often than not to talk to people as she'll try and 'talk' to them herself.  I force myself to talk to the people that serve in shops and stuff like that.

 

I have a couple of friends still, but some don't live here so it's hard to see them.  Thankfully the internet is here and I can communicate with them that way. 

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Nesf

^^i think most jobs involve a certain amount of social interracting at varying degrees, and it can get easier to socialise in time, though as you describe it, Oakers, it's forced and doesn't come naturally for us, and puts a lot of strain on us. I can't do the sucking up thing either! When I was working at the school I had to talk to the parents and this often involves a lot of diplomacy but I had to do it, even though I always disliked it and felt uncomfortable. When I went to Uni I was plunged right in at the deep end as I was fairly isolated socially at school, and then suddenly plunged into a very social environment. For me the biggest issue was naivity, as I didn't socialise much at school and didn't know all the rules, so I found myself getting set up for jokes and things like that.

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mary

^^i think most jobs involve a certain amount of social interracting at varying degrees, and it can get easier to socialise in time, though as you describe it, Oakers, it's forced and doesn't come naturally for us, and puts a lot of strain on us. I can't do the sucking up thing either! When I was working at the school I had to talk to the parents and this often involves a lot of diplomacy but I had to do it, even though I always disliked it and felt uncomfortable. When I went to Uni I was plunged right in at the deep end as I was fairly isolated socially at school, and then suddenly plunged into a very social environment. For me the biggest issue was naivity, as I didn't socialise much at school and didn't know all the rules, so I found myself getting set up for jokes and things like that.

 

Yes, I think some of these things are definitely difficult for many of us.  I guess, hopefully, it gets easier as we get older and put ourselves into these situations.  As with anything life experiences should be there to help us.  I guess this is the only way we can learn about these social etiquettes and such likes.  Either that or watch people.  People watching may be a useful tool... hadn't actually thought about it.

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Bruce

I'm thinking I'll have to stop almost all offline socialising, so any tips on how to make that enough? For some, it seems to be! *green with envy*!

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mary

I'm thinking I'll have to stop almost all offline socialising, so any tips on how to make that enough? For some, it seems to be! *green with envy*!

 

I don't quite understand why you'd have to stop all 'offline' socialising?  Why would that happen?  And what seems to be enough for some?

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Bruce

Doing almost all their socialising online seems to be enough for others here. Because my main social life is church & we keep banging into brick walls trying to make sense of all the stuff they insist on talking about! Can't both put it behind me AND carry on hearing it....

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mary

Doing almost all their socialising online seems to be enough for others here. Because my main social life is church & we keep banging into brick walls trying to make sense of all the stuff they insist on talking about! Can't both put it behind me AND carry on hearing it....

 

I guess that for some online interaction is enough because they are not as at ease with socialising offline / in person.  I am guessing that it's easier, as I find it to be, to put things into words and write them down, therefore being able to edit oneself in a sense and making sense of things before we say it.  In 'real life' it's harder as if you say something it's harder to get it back, than it would be if you hadn't quite pressed 'enter'.

 

If you are 'banging into brick walls' with the people at church have you thought about socialising in other places?  Could you take up a hobby that meant you'd meet with people that shared a common interest?

 

I think that I did so well for so many years in the music scene because we all shared a common interest or two.  I find it far easier to strike up a conversation if we share interests, other than having to talk about the 'usual' things like kids, husbands, that sort of thing.

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