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Nesf

How social are you?

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Nesf

Yes, I think some of these things are definitely difficult for many of us.  I guess, hopefully, it gets easier as we get older and put ourselves into these situations.  As with anything life experiences should be there to help us.  I guess this is the only way we can learn about these social etiquettes and such likes.  Either that or watch people.  People watching may be a useful tool... hadn't actually thought about it.

People watching is useful, and going with someone more socially skilled and copying them also helps a lot. Very often I'll go out to a social event with my mum which I'd never go to on my own because I know that she'll do most of the talking, when she makes a compliment it's a cue for me to do the same, where on my own I may not know that I'm expected to make a compliment. I feel more secure and less anxious about it like this.

 

That's what I was doing, for the main 'interest' I have? That's where it's all gone wrong! Unfortunately, I don't want to go to any groups for any other interests I have, anyway. I couldn't imagine talking about films, for instance, all evening.

I'm sure that they talk about other things as well, not just about films all the time :)

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mary

You're a lot younger, Sophie. I don't think I expected magic! Just thought people would expect a 38 year old to have heard the advice offered so far. And thought I'd covered how I'd tried those things. At the moment, as well, there's this move on panel to deal with, in getting accommodation. They will want some signs of offline life! And, obviously, oakers, I wasn't only talking with other Christians about 'religion' or 'all day'. But if we take away the stuff I'm talking about, it covers all the other things we'd do, too. Never mind, I'm very sorry I brought this all up yet again. Thanks to everybody for their efforts, though!

 

There's no reason to be sorry for bringing stuff up!  People can only help with the experience they've had, or have heard others speak about though.  It's very difficult sometimes to understand what you are asking for though as you sometimes come across as a little vague when writing your questions.  I'm just sorry I can't come up with anything that might help :(

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Nesf

You're a lot younger, Sophie. I don't think I expected magic! Just thought people would expect a 38 year old to have heard the advice offered so far. And thought I'd covered how I'd tried those things. At the moment, as well, there's this move on panel to deal with, in getting accommodation. They will want some signs of offline life! And, obviously, oakers, I wasn't only talking with other Christians about 'religion' or 'all day'. But if we take away the stuff I'm talking about, it covers all the other things we'd do, too. Never mind, I'm very sorry I brought this all up yet again. Thanks to everybody for their efforts, though!

Bruce, why would the accommodation people want to see signs of offline life? Surely it's your business what you do in your private life and how you spend your time?

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mary

People watching is useful, and going with someone more socially skilled and copying them also helps a lot. Very often I'll go out to a social event with my mum which I'd never go to on my own because I know that she'll do most of the talking, when she makes a compliment it's a cue for me to do the same, where on my own I may not know that I'm expected to make a compliment. I feel more secure and less anxious about it like this.

 

I'm sure that they talk about other things as well, not just about films all the time :)

 

That may indeed by somewhat useful for people Nesf.  I think that people can often learn about things by watching them, and being immersed in the situations.  Obviously it is a lot harder for some than others.  If you are with someone you trust though you can pretty much guess that whatever they're saying is acceptable and in line with what is expected in that given situation.

 

I am sure that people in groups talk about other things, other than the one thing they are there for.  Much like here, we're all here because we have ASD but we all manage to talk about many things other than just ASD related things, although we do talk about those in depth as well.

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Bruce

Sorry, oakers, I seem to have said so much about this stuff! Ultimately, it'll come back to things other people said & they couldn't be clear about them, which is why there's such problems in the first place.  :( 

Watching films is fun & some chat about them is great but it wouldn't make a proper social life. I really think I'll have to somehow get rid of the desire/ need for anything more than that sort of thing but why only go that far? Might as well get rid of it all, if you know what I mean?
As for why they're concerned about my life, the thinking is that no social life is 'isolating yourself', which isn't good for you & tends to end up in mental health problems! Those, of course, do often lead to problems with the housing, in general terms. I'm not even sure I can disagree with the likely effects on me, of having no real offline social life. That would be what lead to hypomania & getting sectioned, then, later, to severe depression & then to me getting moved into high level supported accommodation (here)! Hence why this is all so important.  :huh:
 

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mary

Sorry, oakers, I seem to have said so much about this stuff! Ultimately, it'll come back to things other people said & they couldn't be clear about them, which is why there's such problems in the first place.  :(

Watching films is fun & some chat about them is great but it wouldn't make a proper social life. I really think I'll have to somehow get rid of the desire/ need for anything more than that sort of thing but why only go that far? Might as well get rid of it all, if you know what I mean?

As for why they're concerned about my life, the thinking is that no social life is 'isolating yourself', which isn't good for you & tends to end up in mental health problems! Those, of course, do often lead to problems with the housing, in general terms. I'm not even sure I can disagree with the likely effects on me, of having no real offline social life. That would be what lead to hypomania & getting sectioned, then, later, to severe depression & then to me getting moved into high level supported accommodation (here)! Hence why this is all so important.  :huh: 

 

Ok, so it sounds like your scared that this will happen to you if you indeed have little social life, offline, so to speak.

 

If you don't think that it'd be ideal for you to join a group about films, is there anything else you like that you might like to talk about?  Remembering that being in a group doesn't mean that that is all you'll talk about, you may end up talking about other things, which might not be so bad!?

 

Do you like sport or anything?  Would you be interested in joining a gym or something?  Is there an ASD group in your area?

 

I can see this is important to you, so it's important you can try and discuss things and get a 'clearer' answer.  It's just sometimes if the question isn't quite so clear it's not so easy to give one.

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Bruce

Well, that's the difficulty, sadly. I like listening to music but wouldn't want to talk about it enough to justify going to a group devoted to it, for instance! Really, any group that would cover things in which I have enough interest to go to would have the same problems as church. The basic stuff said there isn't so different from stuff said outside, you know? Most of which I'd have to think you already knew about and I certainly wouldn't be able to explain, since nobody's explained them to me yet. I think the next conversation with my support worker here will go around the same circles!  :angry:

I guess this will return to the conclusion it's just me that can't understand that stuff, though.....

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mary

Well, that's the difficulty, sadly. I like listening to music but wouldn't want to talk about it enough to justify going to a group devoted to it, for instance! Really, any group that would cover things in which I have enough interest to go to would have the same problems as church. The basic stuff said there isn't so different from stuff said outside, you know? Most of which I'd have to think you already knew about and I certainly wouldn't be able to explain, since nobody's explained them to me yet. I think the next conversation with my support worker here will go around the same circles!  :angry:

I guess this will return to the conclusion it's just me that can't understand that stuff, though.....

 

Ok, so things for you are quite difficult as you don't hold an interest that is 'worthy' of such discussion.  I can understand that, I wouldn't want to go to any group to do the same thing.

 

How about picking up a new hobby or skill?  Would you be interested in doing a short course on something?  That'd be a sure way to meet new people and you'd obviously all have the same interest, so it should be easier.

 

I'm trying here, I really am!! :)

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Bruce

Yeah, I appreciate it, honestly! I'm not trying to be difficult (perhaps that's my 'hidden talent'?). There's (sort of) an autism group here but that's a long story. They don't seem to want to really talk about much - most seem to make do with avoiding thinking about things very much. Which is fine, for them but means they can't & won't really get into much discussion about them, leaving the only things they can 'talk' about of limited interest. Ask Matt for more, when he's here - its his group! I certainly don't know of any hobbies I'd like to learn - I'm not particularly good at most things people seem to do for those & don't have much interest in doing them. My main 'hobbies' would be messing around on the laptop, playing video games & so on - none of which is very suitable, sadly!

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mary

Yeah, I appreciate it, honestly! I'm not trying to be difficult (perhaps that's my 'hidden talent'?). There's (sort of) an autism group here but that's a long story. They don't seem to want to really talk about much - most seem to make do with avoiding thinking about things very much. Which is fine, for them but means they can't & won't really get into much discussion about them, leaving the only things they can 'talk' about of limited interest. Ask Matt for more, when he's here - its his group! I certainly don't know of any hobbies I'd like to learn - I'm not particularly good at most things people seem to do for those & don't have much interest in doing them. My main 'hobbies' would be messing around on the laptop, playing video games & so on - none of which is very suitable, sadly!

 

I am all out of ideas, sadly.  Sorry!

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