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My experiences with friends (and ex-friends)

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Dr-David-Banner

Yesterday the air got cleared but it was quite funny. I was talking to the girl who offered me the doughnuts last, a few weeks ago. Suddenly, she shoved a bag of sweets towards me and said, "Do you want a sweet?"
I replied, "Wow! That's a turn for the better. I'm pleasantly surprised."
She glared at me, pulled the sweets away and said, "Right! You're not getting one now. Forget it."
I then aired my thoughts expressed a post or two above that I was always ignored when stuff was handed out. She then snapped: "I offered you some doughnuts the other week and you turned them down!"
I replied: "But you offered me the doughnuts after nobody else wanted them. It was down to me or the bin!"
She replied: "But you're not part of the work team and it's girls first. And I'm not offering you another sweet!"
Still, I guess the air did get cleared. And I still think she should have offered everyone a doughnut each instead of going in turns.
Funnily enough, I just remembered I have a pack of doughnuts I got today. I am going to eat a couple now!

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Nesf
6 hours ago, Dr-David-Banner said:

Yesterday the air got cleared but it was quite funny. I was talking to the girl who offered me the doughnuts last, a few weeks ago. Suddenly, she shoved a bag of sweets towards me and said, "Do you want a sweet?"
I replied, "Wow! That's a turn for the better. I'm pleasantly surprised."
She glared at me, pulled the sweets away and said, "Right! You're not getting one now. Forget it."
I then aired my thoughts expressed a post or two above that I was always ignored when stuff was handed out. She then snapped: "I offered you some doughnuts the other week and you turned them down!"
I replied: "But you offered me the doughnuts after nobody else wanted them. It was down to me or the bin!"
She replied: "But you're not part of the work team and it's girls first. And I'm not offering you another sweet!"
Still, I guess the air did get cleared. And I still think she should have offered everyone a doughnut each instead of going in turns.
Funnily enough, I just remembered I have a pack of doughnuts I got today. I am going to eat a couple now!

Were there more people than doughnuts?

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Sanctuary
7 hours ago, Dr-David-Banner said:

Yesterday the air got cleared but it was quite funny. I was talking to the girl who offered me the doughnuts last, a few weeks ago. Suddenly, she shoved a bag of sweets towards me and said, "Do you want a sweet?"
I replied, "Wow! That's a turn for the better. I'm pleasantly surprised."
She glared at me, pulled the sweets away and said, "Right! You're not getting one now. Forget it."
I then aired my thoughts expressed a post or two above that I was always ignored when stuff was handed out. She then snapped: "I offered you some doughnuts the other week and you turned them down!"
I replied: "But you offered me the doughnuts after nobody else wanted them. It was down to me or the bin!"
She replied: "But you're not part of the work team and it's girls first. And I'm not offering you another sweet!"
Still, I guess the air did get cleared. And I still think she should have offered everyone a doughnut each instead of going in turns.
Funnily enough, I just remembered I have a pack of doughnuts I got today. I am going to eat a couple now!

Clearly there have been issues in your previous contacts but I feel that when someone offers something it's best to accept or offer a polite "no thanks" if it's not what you need. A blunt refusal or a comment questioning their motives or previous behaviour runs the risk of causing offence. Sometimes we read too much into the actions and try to second-guess their motivations. Sometimes we are right, e.g. that a gift is actually patronising, but it's often wisest not to make assumptions and take their apparent generosity at face value.

I know what you mean about sometimes feeling you are being left out or treated as less important than others, However in the doughnut case you outlined I can see why she offered them first to her co-workers. If it had been done differently one of them would have been last and perhaps felt as you did - someone will always be "last" in these cases. This shows the problem that afflicts those with AS where a routine event becomes invested with so much meaning and all kinds of motives are read into it. I do the same but my response is usually to not vocalise my thoughts and I feel that is generally the best option.  

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Dr-David-Banner

"someone will always be "last" in these cases."
For me the problem is I'm always last and in too many cases. So now I developed a degree of narcissism, coupled to hypersensitivity and also the "bottled up anger" Asperger himself desribed. I know it all sounds dramatic but as I thought it all over, I came to see it boils down to this: I want to be treated as "normal". Same as Nesf described she experienced, I get ignored a lot to the point it's rude. I also get sidelined in scores of cases where there was some opportunity arising. Now, I will admit there may well be various reasons to explain some of this. For example, I'm kind of effeminate and that gets noticed, plus I'm clumsy and monotone. However, the bottom line is I've a need to be treated as normal in order to feel more secure, but deep down I know this simply cannot be. Ultimately I'm not even close to normal. And it gets noticed a lot. Thus, I winded up overcompensating and veering towards narcissism, proving to myself how I can often outperform NT's. I often act sort of "know-all" which is really just my way to enforce self-belief and confidence. Given in the past I used to listen to negative commments from family and so on, I took a u-turn and maybe even do what Muhammad Ali used to do. As I recall, he used to say, "if you ain't the best, pretend you are." I think he meant if you tell yourself all the time you can attain your goal, that's a big step forwards. Actually, you'd be surprised how much many of us get programmed by others to sell ourselves short. Every day women get mildly discriminated against and told "Girls can't use tools or fix stuff as they're girls and not cut out to do mens' work." Yet I met a girl who's learning to weld! In my case I just tend to react strongly to the slightest incident of being ignored or just treated differently. The way it's headiing I'm very close to cutting off most social contacts, becoming even more goal orientated and maybe not as nice a person as I ought to be. Even worse, the huge amount of work I put into my quests for wxcellence may well get up some peoples' noses. It could be the girls in the shop noticed much of this and figured it was hard going.

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Aeolienne
On 8/16/2017 at 7:07 PM, DavidTheWitch said:

It gets better down the line. Nerdier people get more girls down the line and more socialization. You're just in that awkward teen phase where everything rebellious and dumb is cool. In a few years after you hit college you'll get girls or whatever you like. You'll succeed and possibly become successful. You just to know that childhood is an illusion!

What about female Aspies? Does it ever get better for them?

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