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Coping with an aspie GF (better now EX-GF)

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Hello all,

This is my first write up and have been looking into this. I had or still sort of try to have a relationship of 4 years with this girl which i love with all my heart and soul. But things got out of control and our relationship crumbled down.

I am the kind of person who understands & believes that for every action will instigate a chain re-action, i am very blunt & reason things a lot.

So with this girl i had high expectations she seemed very much what i was looking for a down to earth, intelligent, hard working, caring person which you ca rely on. During our first year of dating we had a few ups and downs but we sailed trough them, i started to see some 'abnormal' reasoning & behavior coming from her side in some pretty normal day to day rel. hitting the 1.5yrs i broke my leg, being a start up self employed work accumulated and right afterwords work started back logging so the roller coaster in our rel. took off.

She seemed to understand the first couple of months of me going late at her's not rely having any time off, but in the mean time she was also studying & working as an LSA. things got a bit more deep and we started to look to buy a place. I can tell it was pretty nice experience doing it with her, she was amazing doing online re-search& organizing. We finally found a place & she seemed very excited and into boarding this adventure & convinced me to buy it with her. In the mean time something in my mind was already conscious that her reasoning wasn't always the 'norm' sort of.

  I knew that from what she tolled me her childhood wasn't perfect being brought up in middle of a broken down marriage, fights between her parents where a constant & her mother living in the next room not talking to her for a couple of years. Friends seemed to be her only life mentor at the time ( of which being a teenager does not make that a recipe to success).

So in view of the contract after we signed the promise of sale due to sign a contract in 8 months we started looking into design & doing our future place.

Needing money & in view of growing clients etc in my business, and her coping with her new  work, preparation paper work & not truly confident with herself crap started to pile up. When i would be dead tired she would expect me to take her out to dinner, money on her side was on the very low side so i would talk to her & make her reason that we cant afford to go out on a regular biases due to our situation, i started paying most of our outings. Friends seemed to be her anchor with them knowing more what was going on in our relationship then i would. I always tried to discuss and try understand & help her get trough the situation.. ( i am still amazed from where i find the strength & patience to support her, must be the love i have for her) I stated to notice a pattern that she would be all jolly & happy with her friends, which she was never with me, she seemed to believe & understand all they told her without sifting & evaluating their discussion. I was also being used as some sort of dart board being blamed with all the day to day life crap, being blamed with all the bad situations. Which took a toll on me.

this last year i was always feeling kind off rejected from her side until i cant understand what happened & she blocked me off. She seems now like a complete new person which in the past 4 years was hidden or blocked off. She was never kind of happy lately mood swings where like gale force winds, which i got used to the pattern--- sad, fight, brake down, discussion- me trying to understand & encourage her showing her im there for her, & then the cycle starting again with her being pissed off at me.

Lately finally after months of me pushing her & bragging to seek help she was finally diagnosed with Asperger & over borderline in autism spectrum. 


I wrote this not to brag about a failed relationship, but to try & understand somehow the situation & her mind set, and maybe discuss with people who are in the same situation.

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I'm inclined to say to not look at this situation from the perspective of "I had relationship problems with an Aspie", but rather "I had relationship problems". Don't get me wrong, I can see from the NT's perspective that relationships with Aspergians can be difficult, mostly due to improper communication. Interactions are processed differently to Aspies, and it can be difficult to understand, especially because it can be very difficult for an Aspie to explain it. More than likely, it has been demanded from most Aspies all their life to explain why they do things and say things, and after a childhood of this stress, trying to explain why you've reacted some way to something has very negative, stressful connotations. Most of the time, Aspies don't mean any harm to people, they just experience the world differently, and after a lifetime of being told how inconvenient it is for others that you are as nature intended, it really can take a toll and make it scary to communicate.

However, not all Aspies are alike...this is very important to understand. I've noticed that a lot of NTs kind of have a tendency to explain all of the hardships of a relationship, and their reaction to it seems to be, "Well, that relationship was hard because this person had Aspergers". But 1) a relationship is a two-way street, and it's very unlikely that all the difficulty experienced was due to someone having Aspergers. 2) NTs have very difficult relationships too. Everyone has baggage, no one is psychologically sound, no one is blameless. Don't get caught up in categories.

Again, I know living with people with any level of Autism can be difficult, I really do ( I'm AS and I live with one, and I imagine to some people, we're unbearable! Just not to each other most of the time). However, remember that from the perspective of the one with Autism, the NT is the one whose difficult to live with. And I'm not trivializing any of the injustices that you may have experienced, I've been mistreated by NTs and Aspies alike. Some people are assholes. Some of them have Autism. Some of them don't. I don't know if that's helpful to you or not, but I hope it was. That's just one Aspie's commentary.

Edited by Eli
  • Helpful 3

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