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2takuya

Relationships and Autism

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2takuya

So, I've been spending the last month or so working on getting over my previous relationship. It's definitely had it's ups and downs, I spent the first week absolutely positive that it was my fault that the relationship ended. I've thankfully come to realize that it takes more than one person for a relationship to work, that's why there are two people in the relationship (or more if you're poly).

Anyways, lately I've been struggling with the fact that she told me she didn't like how unsocial I was. She didn't flat out say it, but she implied that she also didn't like that I would have meltdowns quite often. Logically, I am aware that this indicates we would not have been able to last in a relationship much longer than the year we were together. Logically I recognize that it is better for her to have broken up with me, however for some reason my chest still hurts.

 

I do know it's good that I'm out of the relationship, because for whatever reason she had this idea that somehow I would just magically get better. That somehow I just wouldn't have meltdowns and wouldn't be autistic. I know that the relationship was not a good one for me. She was controlling, and her mom was just as controlling, and I didn't feel as though I was allowed to do much of anything.

 

With all of this said though, I just can't help but still feel upset. It hurts, because she accused me of becoming a different person, I build up walls because people leave all the time, and when I finally let someone in past the walls they leave because I'm "who I thought you were" or something to that degree. Is my autism such an awful thing that people don't want to be friends with me? Are my meltdowns so awful that significant others decide they can't be with me anymore? I just have a hard time really understanding, because no matter what I seem to try to do I always lose the people I thought were closest to me.

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Gone away

I guess everyone is different regarding tolerance. Witnessing meltdowns (whatever form they take) will be a serious challenge to most people. Most relationships seem to be on a 'trial basis'. I guess ultimately the 'trial' period is in both parties interests and you suggest that the relationship changing status was a positive thing.

An essential part of a long term relationship is acceptance.

Ultimately, after receiving a knock to ones confidence you need to spend time reviewing your good points again. Its good to understand oneself, good, bad and inbetween points, but eventually we need to try and represent the best in ourselves again.

Though you may feel wounded, don't beat yourself up too much about it. Aim to refocus and move on to the next ..... ..... adventure?

 

Edited by Going home
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Pinky and his brain

Breakups are always hard to get over. It takes time to move on. And it has to!

If it was easy, it would make you a shallow person. So having a hard time, is actually telling you that you're not shallow. A relationship touches something deep inside you. That is a good thing, even if it hurts like hell right now.

Breakups can take several months to get over, so don't beat yourself up. The feelings you have are normal, and there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met the right person.

Give it time, try to do something you like to do. And don't let your mind run in circles around not being good enough.

Read your own signature, life is all about finding people who are equally weird, and make it work. :)

(and yes, we are all a little weird :D)

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2takuya

Thank you both for the replies! 

I think I'm just still wrapping my brain around the whole situation. I went through a week of blaming myself, and then I tried to pretend that I was fine and that it was bothering me at all. I think it's just finally catching up with me that I'm not fine right now. I thought the relationship was going to be one that lasted, and despite my best efforts the relationship failed. In a way, it made me feel like a failure for not being able to keep that relationship.

 

I do know that it is going to take time to heal from this. The relationship I was in before this one was only a few months, but it still took a very long time to heal. This one was a year and some months, I can only imagine how long it's going to take to heal from this one.

I think my biggest struggle at the moment is, I'm not entirely sure how to go about the healing process. I just feel really alone a lot of the time, and I'm not really sure how to remedy that feeling. I don't want to jump into a relationship, but I long to be intimate with someone which makes it hard to find a balance between the two.

 

I'm also pretty much asexual, so I think I'm worried that I won't be able to find anyone else that I'm somewhat attracted to like I was with her. I'm awful at connecting with people, and I'm worried that that will negatively affect any future relationships I might hope of having, as I'm afraid that will make it hard to really even connect with a person and possibly fall in love.

 

I don't know, I'm probably thinking about this stuff way too much. I thought things would be fine, and suddenly now they're not, and I think I'm just panicking because I had things planned out, I had this image in my head of how things were going to go, and it's kind of all fallen apart. I feel lost, and I feel like I don't know where to go next.

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Whoknows

You got mixed up with the wrong partner.

The good thing is that you're not with her anymore. There's nothing wrong with feeling pain. Even victims of domestic violence and abuse express similar thoughts toward their couples (due to trauma), though your situation was not as extreme.

It was also good that she let go. It shows that she cares in some part, in spite of her personality.

Loosing someone you care for can feel bad, but the feeling will wear over time. In the meantime, distract yourself; do what you like.

Someone will come or you'll find someone.

If it's sentimental, friends and family can help, though we both both know it's not the same, but it's better than having controlling people messing you up. :lol:

If it's sexual, well, I hope you're ok with masturbation and/or porn (or your imagination -whichever works best-). It's not shameful to do it or see it; you just need control with it to not hurt yourself. :)

In any way, you'll need time. Whichever way you choose to cope with your loss, take care for yourself. :)

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PandaPrincess

If your partner can't accept you for who you are, then they aren't worth it.  The right one won't try to change you.

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