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Eliza

Rejection and/or Exclusion

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Gone away
10 hours ago, Eliza said:

Anyway, I really want to be at peace about this. I have my faith now, which helps, but I feel double-minded. Half the time I'm happy, feel good about myself, then the pain hits my heart and throws everything out of whack.

We can't change the past. Given all the circumstances you did the best you could at the time. My father (definitely autistic) used to melt down alot and didn't cope well with life. It was confusing and frightening at the time, but in adulthood I came know was a good man doing the best he could with what he had.

Edited by Going home

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Eliza
48 minutes ago, Going home said:

We can't change the past. Given all the circumstances you did the best you could at the time. My father (definitely autistic) used to melt down alot and didn't cope well with life. It was confusing and frightening at the time, but in adulthood I came know was a good man doing the best he could with what he had.

 

Thank you. That gives me comfort.

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Eliza
3 hours ago, ....... said:

I still believe they were in the wrong by not including her in their get togethers and now she has gone and its too late for them and her. I suspect my brother will carry a sense of guilt about it for rest of his life. 

 

This is probably how it will be for my kids, and that makes me sad, but still, your words helped me. I'm sorry your family is now excluding you too.

It helps me to know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

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Eliza
3 hours ago, ....... said:

your wish will be to have nothingness,

Interesting....As a Christian, my goal is to accept and embrace my nothingness, my smallness, my weakness, that's when my God shows His strength, I know this exclusion is part of my journey, My spirit is willing, but my flesh is kicking and screaming like a spoiled child, lol.

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.......

Well - as soon as you realise that flesh IS spiritual. Material and Sprirt are one in the same - Youre sorted.. 

 

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Eliza

Thank you, everyone, for the encouragement! I have never shared this with anyone and it felt good to dump it. :D

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RiRi

@Eliza I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm not sure why your adult children aren't inviting you to their events, but I think maybe they do feel bad. I can't speak for them, obviously, because I'm not them, but I'm sure there's a thought process and they probably think to themselves before not inviting you. And if somehow they knew you feel bad because they didn't invite you, they'd probably feel worse. Sometimes the matter of circumstances make it be this way, to exclude, unfortunately. :( 

My mom, I don't like saying it, but she wasn't that great of a mother growing up. That was an understatement of how bad I felt she was growing up. I'm now more understanding, even though I did go through a lot with her. But, the way you are now seems like due to different circumstances perhaps you are different? My mom changed. I think confronting her and avoiding her helped. I use to avoid her when I moved out because I was scared of her if, I'm honest, maybe I still am. I don't want to be scared, but psychoanalyzing myself, it's hard not to be that way after many years and it's still in my inner child to be scared, I assume, but I love her nevertheless. I care about her. I feel sorry for her. I want to help her whenever I get the chance and I know I will cry when she falters (I used to say I wouldn't). She had her flaws, thank goodness it wasn't too bad (though it was bad), but I still love her. She gets excluded from different family events. I don't take part in them because I don't like them, but she maybe does. Anyway, before the excluding takes place, there is a lot of thinking. The people who are your family and do the excluding, probably do feel bad and wish it wasn't that way.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry again. If I may ask, have you talked to your children about the situation and how you were when you were younger, or were things just not talked about anymore, but things changed? Do they know you're autistic? I'm just curious. I did talk to my mom about some things. 

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Eliza
3 hours ago, Live&LetLive said:

Anyway, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry again. If I may ask, have you talked to your children about the situation and how you were when you were younger, or were things just not talked about anymore, but things changed? Do they know you're autistic? I'm just curious. I did talk to my mom about some things. 

 

Yes, I did share with them that I have Aspergers, but I don't think they 'get it'. My middle son (who is clearly autistic too) told me recently, "I'm too dependent on you." I was left with What ???. He is an independent adult and we used to talk at least once a month, but now he is also pulling away. He was the only one who used to share his feelings with me (at one time his siblings excluded him too). In general, my kids refuse to talk about their feelings so that builds a wall between us.

I'm happy you are mature enough to put the past behind you and reach out to your mother. I used to warn my kids that someday I would be dead and gone and they would be left with each other. I didn't expect them to put me in the dirt while I was still alive though. It feels like I am already dead to them. I miss them being a part of my life.

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Asgardian

Sadly many people not on the spectrum don't understand what it is like. While I can see that they may struggle with understanding you and your condition, I still think they should at least make an effort to try. I hope in time they are willing to sit down with you and listen. It would be a terrible shame if you can never forge some kind of relationship with your children because they aren't willing to try and understand you. There are too many people who miss out on relationships with people because of that.

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Harrow
On 2/25/2017 at 3:03 AM, Eliza said:

It took me a while to decide if I wanted to post this online, but thank you for asking.

It's my adult children. They exclude me from family holiday events and it hurts like hell. They send me gifts, call on holidays, that's about it. In all honesty, I wasn't a very good mom I didn't know I had Aspergers or I probably would not have had them--not that aspies can't be good parents. They can. I wasn't though--the noise kids make put me over the edge most of the time.

Anyway, I really want to be at peace about this. I have my faith now, which helps, but I feel double-minded. Half the time I'm happy, feel good about myself, then the pain hits my heart and throws everything out of whack.

My dad is probably on the spectrum though he has never been tested and I doubt he has ever even heard of Aspergers and I'm never going tell him, because he wouldn't listen or even acknowledge. But the point is I loved and hated my father growing up. I loved him because he was a friend and when I was older he was like a brother. But I hated him because he wasn't a father and couldn't be a father, he struggled with life and dealing with things and had many, many breakdowns all the time. And in a way it forced me to grow up and be a man at a really young age. All which has given me and my sister a little resentment in later life. 

Now don't get me wrong I'd do anything for my dad, but it was hard growing up with him like that when I needed a father and didn't have one. And it may be the same for your kids its easy to understand as adults how things are, but as kids who need there parents, sadness and confusion often stay into adulthood.

All you can do is be there for them now and show them you love them :)now days if I go more then two weeks without seen my dad he phones me to come pick me up or to find out when I'm visiting and he tries to share things with me that I enjoy, because I think he knows he wasn't a good father but he'd still do anything for me and my sisters.

And you come across like that @Eliza a very loving caring person

 

P.S sorry for quoting you that was a mistake and I can't work out how to remove it

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