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Eli

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Eli

I can't help calling people "Other". I realize I'm one of them yet feeling like watching from across a gulf. I was thinking the other day while at work that I have no idea what other people think of me. The thought came in the context of work. A coworker of mine was talking about a rift she had with another co-worker. I realized if I had a rift with someone I probably wouldn't know it. 

I truly have no idea what people think of me. I have a tendency to assume I have great relationships with everyone. But I also know from experience that I make more out of little "connections" than my NT co-workers. If I have one good conversation with someone it's far more monumental in my mind than in theirs. Again, I figured this out over time in my youthful pursuits in friendship. NTs make connections all the time, and I don't. But I guess at the end of the day all I can do is chuckle at the fact that much of the time, socially speaking, I really have no clue what's going on. 

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Dr-David-Banner

Sure, I find I may refer to people I know as "friends" but the truth is I'm not really "in" the group. I'm liked I think but am still kind of outside.

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Nesf

I don't know what people think of me, either, unless they tell me directly, which they almost never do. In my experience, I sometimes have conversations or exchanges with people, but it is mostly on a superficial or practical/functional level, and I don't feel that I've made a connection with that person.

Edit: I can't connect to people through superficial conversations. If I'm going to connect to someone, I need to feel that we have some things in common, that we share common ideas and values, that we are on the same wavelength. That doesn't come through idle conversation. I don't know how NTs connect through chit chat and superficial conversations.

Edited by Nesf

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aspieguy

I often feel like I'm not a person. I'm not like them. I observe them, but I'm not one myself. I'm something else.

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Gone away
19 hours ago, Eli said:

I also know from experience that I make more out of little "connections" than my NT co-workers. If I have one good conversation with someone it's far more monumental in my mind than in theirs.

Me too

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Nesf

As a teenager, I began to realise that just because people say hello to you or talk to you doesn't mean that they are your friend. Then I became very cynical about people and their what I saw as very superficial and pointless conversations. People would say hi to me, maybe ask me how I was and that was about it, and if I tried to make further conversation or talk some more, I was just seen as a nuisance.  I wondered, why do they even bother to talk to me if they don't want to be friends or talk to me further? I have now learned to accept that this is how people are, most of their connections are on a superficial level. I still don't feel that I can connect to people on that level and don't bond with people in this way, I don't bond with people easily at all. I need to get to know a person before I can connect.

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Gone away

Now I am middle aged I have given up trying to make friends.

Historically things start out well and people seem interested but for some reason they soon change their mind.

The only time I understood a reason was when someone who I shared cycling interest with and wanted to cycle with me asked what I am doing for exercise at the moment.

I said 'this' and from standing straight I fell to the floor like a falling tree and bounced back up again - a sort of plank like press up from and to a standing position (I was fit, strong and light weight back then .. no longer alas). Though it seemed normal to me, their view of me changed from that moment and we never went out together.

Making a connection or lasting bond with people doesn't really happen.

It reminds me of when it was impossible to look people in the eye (like trying to connect two magnets together the wrong way) ... I suppose that was the clue.

I can give eye contact now ... but not sure it helps

Maybe I want to get more involved / give more of myself than they do ...

Its difficult to balance ones complete commitment and involvement with protecting ones own vulnerability.

39 minutes ago, Nesf said:

I have now learned to accept that this is how people are, most of their connections are on a superficial level. I still don't feel that I can connect to people on that level and don't bond with people in this way

I think thats well put ... My attempts at superficial can't ever work as its not the way I am.

 

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Sanctuary
On ‎07‎/‎05‎/‎2017 at 3:16 AM, Eli said:

I truly have no idea what people think of me. I have a tendency to assume I have great relationships with everyone. But I also know from experience that I make more out of little "connections" than my NT co-workers. If I have one good conversation with someone it's far more monumental in my mind than in theirs. Again, I figured this out over time in my youthful pursuits in friendship. NTs make connections all the time, and I don't. But I guess at the end of the day all I can do is chuckle at the fact that much of the time, socially speaking, I really have no clue what's going on. 

I would echo the point that people with AS are much more likely to remember their conversations and interactions in general than those not on the spectrum. When you don't have so many interactions the ones you do have take on much more significance but for someone's with lots of social connections each contact may be of fleeting relevance. The AS tendency to make a lot out of each interaction is good in some ways but it can mean overestimating their significance and reading too much into them, positively or negatively. For example I will sometimes go away from an interaction and worry over what impression I made while the other person has probably already forgotten about it :) I also think a lot about impending interactions and what I might say or do which a more socially connected and confident person is unlikely to do - they feel they can be more spontaneous.

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Nesf
2 hours ago, Going home said:

I said 'this' and from standing straight I fell to the floor like a falling tree and bounced back up again - a sort of plank like press up from and to a standing position (I was fit, strong and light weight back then .. no longer alas). Though it seemed normal to me, their view of me changed from that moment and we never went out together.

i don't understand, why would this cause him not to want to go cycling with you?

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Gone away
36 minutes ago, Nesf said:

i don't understand, why would this cause him not to want to go cycling with you?

Me neither really, him asking what I was doing for exercise was leading to (in a round about way) him asking me to go riding (he confirmed) but the intended request never came. I think he found my response inappropriate - it was pivotal in changing his interest but I'll never know exactly why. I admit, at the time I was interested in parkour and would do what might be perceived as odd things like walk over tables rather than ask people to move their chairs etc.

Trouble is, the more people reject me the more I just go my own way. Bit of a catch 22 :D

3 hours ago, Sanctuary said:

I would echo the point that people with AS are much more likely to remember their conversations and interactions in general than those not on the spectrum. When you don't have so many interactions the ones you do have take on much more significance but for someone's with lots of social connections each contact may be of fleeting relevance. The AS tendency to make a lot out of each interaction is good in some ways but it can mean overestimating their significance and reading too much into them, positively or negatively. For example I will sometimes go away from an interaction and worry over what impression I made while the other person has probably already forgotten about it :) I also think a lot about impending interactions and what I might say or do which a more socially connected and confident person is unlikely to do - they feel they can be more spontaneous.

Very true. Thats why bad interactions and things like employment disputes hit especially hard.

I used to think it was around the heightened sensory perceptions leading to semi ptsd, but the relative significance of interactions is a big part. People don't understand this relative disproportion in how we are affected at a sensory but also interactional level - which just adds to the islolation

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