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AspieFox

Is it Ghosting or Aspie Emotional Overload?

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AspieFox

My feelings of love and wanting a relationship with an aspie friend, didn't work out. Initially we kept sending voice recordings online to chat etc. Then we met up and we are very similar in many things and become friends, but upon declaring my romantic feelings were growing, she tells me she only is attracted to females. She said she'd love to remain friends though and to give me time. So after not very long (since logically, a relationship wasn't possible and I valued the friendship), I messaged her (she's currently living in another country), to tell her I think being friends is a great idea etc.

No response.

Week later (as I hate grey areas), I message to ask if she is ok, and if she's just been very busy, or if she needs time to consider our friendship, and if that's the case then it's ok.

No response.

She was very responsive before all this emotional stuff.

I am confused and stressed. I don't know if she genuinely has a lot going on, and isn't able to process the emotions over the last few days. I know, as aspies, we struggle with identifying emotions and processing them, but at least tell me that you need time, and respond with something, no?

I don't know if it's an aspie thing that is making her like non-verbal (non-typing whatever). I would never have thought at all, that she would be the kind of person to intentionally hurt me, so I do think that it's probably that she can't deal with the emotions or something.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Have you dealt with being ghosted? Was this a really special person that you shared much in common? I feel like, it's so mega hard to meet real friends to connect with, and I haven't potentially just lost a friend, but a rare person.

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Peridot

That's kind of a weird sequence of events.  I mean surely it was clear to her from the beginning that the contact that you had revolved around certain things? I mean surely it was obvious that you ideally wouldn't like to keep it platonic? So her saying she's a lesbian at that point...strikes me as odd.

But she's gone. I mean if her "best friend" sent her a message you bet your bottom dollar she'd find the strength to type in a response and press the send button. Regardless of how "busy" she was.

This "ghosting" thing is a new term. Is it inspired by "After Earth"? That movie with Will Smith? Anyway, people bail and abandon others all the time and it's kinda weak. But what else is new?

People suck. lol As they say.

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't remember if it ever happened to me. Or maybe I don't care to remember. I've moved on a long time ago.

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Sanctuary

I'm sorry to hear this AspieFox. Trying to turn a successful friendship into a romantic relationship unfortunately can be problematic. I had a case some years ago where I had a great friendship with a woman. We got on really well and decided to take it to a romantic level but it soon failed. We tried to keep going as friends afterwards but it just wasn't the same and after a few months our contact faded away - I would have liked to keep it going but sensed she didn't feel the same way. There is a part of me that wishes we had never tried a romantic relationship as it undermined our friendship but sometimes if you feel you have the potential for a different sort of relationship you just have to try or you can regret not doing so.

Maybe one or both people in this sort of situation just feel uncomfortable. She might feel she has let you down or doesn't quite know what to say so doesn't reply. Sometimes the person who doesn't want to carry on may suggest maintaining a friendship as a way of letting the other person down gently without really wanting to keep in contact at all. Even if your friend felt this way in your case she should send you a brief message telling you this rather than not replying at all. If I were in your case I wouldn't send any more messages and just leave it up to her. It may be that she will get in touch at a future time when she feels ready but even if you don't hear from her again you still have very positive memories of your earlier relationship and can remember those. 

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RiRi

Yeah. Never heard of ghosting till now. It does happen. A way to stop yourself from messaging her again is by remembering the bad stuff she's done and is doing.

In truth, I believe you've "already done your part" and messaged her, not just once, but twice. You shouldn't be begging yourself into a friendship. If she wants to be friends she'll come around (hopefully not too late). If not then, forget her, don't waste your time on that kind of person. It's really not worth it.

Edited by RiRi

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AspieFox
23 hours ago, Peridot said:

That's kind of a weird sequence of events.  I mean surely it was clear to her from the beginning that the contact that you had revolved around certain things? I mean surely it was obvious that you ideally wouldn't like to keep it platonic? So her saying she's a lesbian at that point...strikes me as odd.

Because she's not a lesbian. She is queer and feeling of attraction can change over time, something we both agree on. She has been attracted to males in the past. At the moment she is only attracted to females.

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AspieFox
11 hours ago, Sanctuary said:

It may be that she will get in touch at a future time when she feels ready but even if you don't hear from her again you still have very positive memories of your earlier relationship and can remember those. 

You are right.

In fact...I've been so concerned with my own feelings, that I hadn't really considered how much of a strain and emotional strain it is for her too.

She already told me (after I declared my feelings) that she would love to remain friends, but to take the best option for my well-being. I said I needed distance. I impulsively got back in touch after just a few days, saying that I'd like to just be friends, but obviously things are still raw and she must have been a little confused.

She's since reacted to some Facebook post with a like (just an interesting post, nothing about relationships etc), despite not answering my messages about us, but I can kind of see it now...she might be unsure as to whether I really am able to just be friends right now, and we both analyse situations and outcomes from lots of angles, so perhaps she is not sure as to what to respond yet, plus feeling emotionally drained, as well as me. She definitely valued me as a friend and I am hoping that with time, when things settle, she will get back in touch.

Bottom line: I think I lost sight of how it's probably impacted on her emotions and how anxiety about possible outcomes can freeze a person as to what to say or respond.

I will give it time and try to carry on with day to day activities, while keeping my distance and not getting in touch.

With any kind of love and affection, things aren't black or white and sometimes distance and time is best, as love/affection doesn't make demands, but tries to understand.

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AspieFox

In the end, it turns out that she was overloaded emotionally, as she was involved with another woman recently, who is now her partner, as of last week and, by not wanting to hurt me and by wanting to make sense of her own feelings, she took a bit of time to get back to me.
A couple of days ago, she sent me a voice message to tell me about her new relationship because she didn't want me to find out on social media first. I respect this a lot.
She also told me she understands if I want to take time to see if I can come to terms with stuff and carry on being friends and that she misses me (as a friend), but that if it's not possible for me, then she understands that too. I also respect this very much.

I now honestly have no idea. I am distancing myself from her for now. I hope I can understand myself, as to whether I can be friends again or not.

I'm just heartbroken and confused emotionally.

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