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RiRi

[Sensitive] I want to make a cry for help.

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Gone away
14 minutes ago, RiRi said:

So I didn't have to swallow my words and tell that bitch not to be condescending. Because if I tell her that then something bad might happen.

I would tell them ... hopefully in a diplomatic way ... 
Have you moved? I thought you were living with your partner

 

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Gone away
20 minutes ago, RiRi said:

The people who are helping me with a place to live and food to eat. I feel like I owe them. I know that I owe them a lot. I feel guilty for not doing enough for them. So despite having all these background issues that I struggle with on a daily basis to appear like a normal person who isn't bothered by noises, who doesn't feel attacked by them even, etc. etc., I try to be helpful in any way I can. I don't just sit doing nothing the whole day. Oh, how I wish my life was that easy that I just sit in front of the computer doing nothing all day, just eating and doing nothing. Not having to wash the dishes on a daily basis, not having to wash the bathroom once in a while. Not having to sweep and mop the floors. Not having to vacuum. Not having to heat or cook food and while at it having to hear cabinet doors be slammed one after the other. Not having to go to the grocery store to get the food. Oh, how I wish someone did the phone calls for my appointments so that I wouldn't have to deal with the bitch on the other side of the line. So that I wouldn't be talked to in a condescending way. So I didn't have to swallow my words and tell that bitch not to be condescending. Because if I tell her that then something bad might happen. Not having to worry about paying people who have helped me with a place to live and food to eat. Not feeling like a complete waste of space. Not feeling like I'm a useless piece of shit of a human being. 

Welcome to real life

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RiRi
2 minutes ago, Gone home said:

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Thats unbelievably childish, spoilt - and you should be ashamed coming out with that crap.
Alot of people have it tougher and continue to humbly make what they can without going out of their way to create drama for others

I know that. I can readily admit that. I know that a lot of people have it worser than me and are quietly struggling in their lives. Another point towards why I suck as a human being because I for some reason I am unable to do that.

4 minutes ago, Gone home said:

I know and am not disputing that ... (though do dispute the attention seeking)  ... but the thread was selfish and ill considered. Looking for support around the notion of suicide Is not helping and I think is nasty.
What kind of role model are you for vulnerable children with aspergers maybe reading this drivel?
What ideas are you giving people .. who may be very vulnerable?
How many people are you inspiring by publicly going on like this?

Yes and I have thought of that, not initially when I posted the thread but this morning I thought about that. It's not a public thread, only members can see it but I did think of that. I thought, "What if someone reads my thread?" and they copy my method and they kill themselves and they end up being dead while I'm still alive. I do think about all these things. I think about it in a daily basis when I get depressed. I think about loved ones who could die on the road or something may happen to them and then they'll be the ones dead while I'm still a live. I don't know how being aware of it helps though. So yes, I have thought of that. I wish I didn't act a certain way or that I didn't do things. 

8 minutes ago, Gone home said:

Additionally, before any accusations come, If I didn't give a shit I would never have commented.

9 minutes ago, Gone home said:

Correct. but also maybe you don't know enough about you and how you tick.

By necessity,  where possible I'm more into solutions and improving things than gratuitously destructive indulgent pity parties.
Your thoughts you must agree are not beneficial nor exclusive to you ..... you need to move forward from this as best you can and forget any faulty thinking.
So if I fuck up these thoughts that you are wallowing in rather than support them,  then I have done you a favour

I think I do know enough about myself and how I think. I am my own enemy, so I do know my every flaw. I'm readily able to admit something I did wrong. Even though it made me feel like shit and like killing myself. I can admit it. Some people can't do that. They think they're always in the right. So I beg to differ, I still think you don't know me well enough. 

I do agree that my thoughts aren't beneficial and I don't know if other people feel the same way. If they do, then great because at least I'm not crazy. Although I'm not saying I'm happy they feel this way. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. And I admit these thoughts are wrong. I'm not arguing for them. I do appreciate you helping. I just don't know how to shut these thoughts away and for good. 

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Gone away

The thoughts will pass as you do what you need to.
I am telling you some other people do feel the same way, though may keep these thoughts private (often to protect others)
You need to kick your own arse to move away from this ... just get the rest you need, partake in what  you like, take available recreation as therapeutic, let the depression melt way in its own time as you cannot force it.
Life can take dramatic and unimaginable turns as we age ... either good or bad. You are still early in the game, which just increases the chance of better things coming.
I feel like apologising for taking a different stance than others ... but I won't as when we have bad thoughts they need to be messed up and fucked off.
I apologise for the language, but also know you use much worse so won't be offended
 

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Dr-David-Banner

You know what I can't help but perceive here is the absence of qualified psychologists or psychiatrists. I am not myself a psychologist, by the way. I guess I have to question this idea that those who have AS or other conditions are somehow able to help others with a similar condition. The opposite I think. Those of us with AS either lack the knowledge or the empathy to manage another's depression meltdown in the best way.
On the other site I'm on we have several neurologists and psychologists and really I think that's a good thing - although not all of them are perfect.
To anyone who is contemplating self-harm I would say, please, consult trained, qualified consultants who likely have the experience and resources to hopefully address the issue. It's so easy for people to mean well but make a bad situation worse. And at that point I will leave it at that and hope the OP feels better soon.

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Dr-David-Banner

I am not myself very good at helping other people on the spectrum. I have a best friend whose son has been sectioned twice. The last time he tried to jump into a river. I spoke to her and her son but the truth is you need an awful lot of patience. For me the difficulty is I learned to drop my emotions. I struggle to relate to feelings as I can't solve problems this way at all. I only know how to come up with logical solutions. I see feelings as deceptive although I do tend to get emotional over animals. My point: Simply being autistic doesn't make me a good therapist or particularly good at empathy. It works the reverse way too. I would far rather get support from a good NT friend or a qualified psychologist than assume others on the spectrum will be qualified. Isn't it a bit like breaking your leg and then assuming others who have broken legs are in the best position to help? Well, not really. Doctors or physios probably healed a lot of people.
We need psychologists. They tend to know how to say and do the right things. Some are average and some are very good. They also know about B12 vits, hypnosis, group therapy, diagnostics.

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Myrtonos

@RiRi Might you get treated as if you don't cry, but just whinge? And treated as if you talk like a drunken U.S south-easterner?

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Ben

If you go through with it, society wins. I find it very hard to believe that you are 100% responsible for feeling the way you do - somewhere along the way, you've been made to feel different, rejected or not good enough. 

Different = good. Why do some people rise up and achieve the most amazing things, whilst most just bumble about and work a job they hate? Because the person who rose up and made six figures doing what they love was different - maybe even a little weird? 

Don't look at what you're not, look at what you are. Then ask yourself, if all of your creative characteristics, odd mannerisms and funny little nuances were realised upon the world and were allowed to flourish 100%, would you feel unhappy? No, because you're being your authentic self. The problem is, you feel as if you can't be your authentic self, because society doesn't agree with it. But, your authentic self is exactly where you need to be in life to ever be TRULY happy. 

Listen to the people who lift you up when the rest of them are criticising you and saying "oh, you'll never do that" - and when someone does say anything like that, come back to this thread, and read this:

You are AMAZING; if they're saying those things to you, it means you're nearly there. Don't stop being you!

Recognise what it is that you can bring to the world, look at what makes you happy, and do more and more of it everyday. I might be off the mark, but either way, this is the best advice I can offer you. 

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Dr-David-Banner

Yes, Ben is quite right. To add to what he said I wish I could get across that all the negative, self-defeating, self-bashing thoughts form a vicious circle that can rob your potential. I wasted years of my life stuck in such a cycle. This kind of negativity in depression prevents almost the majority of autistic people from daring to stand and face the world as they are - flawed but unique. You need to build up your own self--belief and even list the good qualities you must have deep down. Avoid any kind of label pushed on you as "inferior". Honestly, what really matters is your own set of standards - not what society judges you by. Just accept yourself as you are and the fact your life is an opportunity to strive for your goals. And at this time, seek support for your depression from a rated professional or in a support group.

Edited by Dr-David-Banner

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Asgardian

Nobody ever knows what is truly going on in the mind of somebody else. @RiRi I hope you get help and can feel better about yourself again. I know we often disagree about what quite frankly seem like trivial things now, but I often have strong feelings of not wanting to be here anymore so I know even to just a small extent what you are going through.

I echo some of what @Ben has said. Being different is NOT a bad thing, even if society wants to make us feel like it is. 

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