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RiRi

[Sensitive] I want to make a cry for help.

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Miss Chief

I didn't reply to this for a while because I don't know that I am the right person to help in this situation, like most on the spectrum I struggle to offer comfort and tend to look for practical solutions and I am not sure that is what is needed here but also you and I have had our differences at times, although I do feel that I have also tried to help too in the past but I wasn't sure that I am the right person to post here.

However, @Gone home while I think what you are trying to do is perhaps from your perspective helpful, tough love type thing, I think you are the wrong person to do it here, given the history, I think it would be better not to post here. I also don't entirely agree with your points, the main one I disagree with (although there are quite a few) is that you can just chose not to focus on the negative, I used to think that until I got clinical depression and it was only after that diagnosis that I discovered it really isn't that simple, sometimes you just feel shitty for no reason and other times you feel numb, this isn't a matter of focusing on the positives, it is a chemical imbalance and you just feel bad even if nothing bad is happening. I am not a negative person and I am certainly not an attention seeker but sometimes I just don't want to exist anymore. Now I would never end my life because I couldn't do that (I know this because I have given it quite a lot of thought over the years) but I do understand why people might want to. 

Also we have to remember that @RiRi is in the US where everything costs money, there is very little free help available for medical or mental issues and even getting benefits is difficult and I am under the impression that she isn't from the US originally (not 100% on that) but that will make everything so much harder for her.

Having said all of that, I have done some digging and because I don't feel like I am the right person to offer help here, mainly cause I suck at offering comfort so I have found some US organisations (I went with California since I think that is where you live but again I could be wrong so I've included the websites so you can find one local to where you are if I'm mistaken) who will offer free support that maybe you could call:

I don't know what county you're in but those links let you find the one you need. I would suggest contacting the Department of Health Crisis Lines since they can probably get you some real help in addition to talking to you over the phone, they will be able to get you in touch with a real therapist and maybe even get you on some courses/group therapy (CBT etc.) that might help you with the underlying issues that are resulting in your frustration and feeling that nothing is getting better (a feeling I am very familiar with), they will also be the best people to know what groups, organisations or charities are available for free locally to you.

Another suggestion could be to visit your local church, now personally I don't believe in God but I seem to recall you were raised in quite a strict religion, I am NOT suggesting you go back to that but I think you were Christian, churches are very peaceful places and vicars/priests/preachers are not only excellent listeners they often have a lot of life experience from helping their parishioners and so they can often offer comfort and practical help, they also take confidentiality very seriously (I know you are quite private), also because religions tend to try and give back to the community and be charitable they usually have a good idea what charities and organisations exist locally who might be able to help you, in addition to all that they often need volunteers and perhaps doing something like that would give you a sense of purpose, I know how hard it can be to make a commitment so perhaps just find out when they need people and then just turn up when you can, the more you do this the easier it will be, again I speak from experience having had extremely bad agoraphobia when I was in my early twenties, I would be physically sick if I had to go out, it does get easier. Even if you no longer believe in God, this could be a really good way for you to get some free help.

I know how helpless, pointless and meaningless and even alone it can feel to be in the situation you're in at the moment, while @Gone home didn't perhaps chose the best words some of what he said was helpful, it is a case of you need to help yourself, I know a lot of things are completely out of your hands, like money, bills etc, but you can come up with an action plan to fix the things that ARE in your control, so the agoraphobia and generally being in control of going out perhaps with the end goal of a job, the key here is not to expect miracles, you aren't going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be able to hold down a full time job, but maybe you could go out and stand on the street for 1 minute, and build it up until you can commit to a volunteer job once or twice a week and then once you have that under control you can maybe get a part time job. Volunteering also gets you experience which helps with your CV. The trick is to not expect to much, to set manageable goals and reward yourself for achieving them, maybe getting to the coffee shop and having a piece of cake. If you like to read, getting to the library and taking out a book you will enjoy, might also be worth borrowing a book on self-help/CBT, getting the books back on time and rewarding yourself with a coffee/hot chocolate. Libraries are also a good resource not just for books but they will often have leaflets about local groups/charities etc. They are also quiet you can go to them and know no one will bother you.

Also, try checking out that course I sent you (I know it's long but try just reading one page a day as a goal), and definitely try listening to the relaxation mp3s they can really help you when you feel like you don't have control or if your feeling panicked etc, the short one is something you can learn and you can do it anywhere it isn't something others would necessarily know you are doing but even if you feel self conscious you can always pop to the bathroom and do it in peace to regain your equilibrium. The long one can be very helpful with getting to sleep.

Another thing that can make a huge difference is reducing your carb intake, so less pasta, bread, cereal etc. and trying to eat more protein (meat, fish & dairy) and fibre (fruit & veg) now I know that is very hard to do on low income and even harder if you have to find the energy to cook, having agoraphobia can actually be helpful here, when you get your groceries only buy the healthy stuff then when you are hungry you options are go out and get something easy or stay in and cook the healthy option, you will probably opt for the latter, anyway if you can manage it then it can have a huge impact on your mental well being. The other thing that helps loads is exercise, again I know how hard it can be to do this when you feel so low and lethargic but if you can do some (and you don't need to go outside to do it) then again you will notice a huge improvement, I don't know why it works like that but it really does, eating well and exercising not only helps my depression it also weirdly makes me feel like I have more energy (you would think exercise would tire me out but it doesn't) and I sleep better and wake up refreshed. If you think you have ADHD (I think I've said elsewhere I think you have it) cutting gluten out of your diet can have a enormous benefit that you will feel and see very quickly.

There is a Japanese theory called Kaizen which is the one minute principle and the theory is that if you set yourself the task of doing something you might put it off cause it is too much to manage so this theory is you just set yourself the task of doing it for 1 minute, what you will find is you won't put it off cause it's just 1 minute and of course that is doable but once you start you will be able to keep going and even if you only do it for 3 minutes or whatever still you will feel good because you not only did what you set out to do (1 minute) you went further :) This is REALLY helpful for people who have depression, when low we have very little energy so everything is hard, but exercising/going outside etc. for 1 minute is doable and if you do that everyday it will get easier and easier until you are doing better than you ever thought possible. Also remember that your brain rewards you for completing tasks, you get a dopamine hit, if you trigger those it can help your depression, so when you do something you don't want to, like cooking, cleaning etc. take a moment to notice that you DID IT, you set yourself a goal and you achieved it, even if it is just an everyday thing.

Anyway I hope my post has been helpful and I hope you know that I am about if you want to chat via PM, I do know what you're going through and while I am not a professional I have been there, I know I said I am not great at comfort but I am pretty good at the practical side of things which can help; if you feel like you have a plan and some control. 

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Asgardian
On 09/02/2018 at 12:21 AM, Harrow said:

I'm laying on my bed crying at the moment because I can't take my life and I feel like dying too, I came close a few minutes ago. But people like you stop me.

I don't wish to derail the thread, but I would just like to say @Harrow that in the past you have helped me in a similar way to which you describe in your post. We have spoken often in the past about our common interests and I know that has helped me feel less alone. As I said, I don't wish to move the thread off course but I did just want to say that you are a good person and help others on this forum feel less isolated :)

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Gone away
55 minutes ago, Miss Chief said:

the main one I disagree with (although there are quite a few) is that you can just chose not to focus on the negative,

I did not suggest that at all... and Mr Banners got the wrong end of the stick too.

I actually understand the subject first hand much deeper than you or Dr-David-Banner or anyone else assumes - but as peer pressure dictates I will stop wasting my time and back out.

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Asgardian
12 minutes ago, Gone home said:

I did not suggest that at all... and Mr Banners got the wrong end of the stick too.

I actually understand the subject first hand much deeper than you or Dr-David-Banner or anyone else assumes - but as peer pressure dictates I will stop wasting my time and back out.

I don't think you should back out. Yes, some of what you said could be considered harsh by some, but at the same time I did agree with some of your points. 

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Nesf

@Miss Chief Giving practical advice is extremely valuable, every bit as valuable, and perhaps more helpful than giving emotional support. Comforting people may soothe their emotions at the time, but at the end of the day, it doesn't solve the problem for them and their problem will still be there. People need both - people to comfort them and to ensure them that things will be ok, and also people to offer them advice and suggest ways to solve the problem. NTs are better at comforting people, we are better at giving advice, but both kinds of help are equally valuable.

I can't speak for @RiRi or other people, but when I seek help, it's usually practical help and advice I'm after rather than emotional support. If I'm having a problem with something, I want to address the underlying problem which is causing the negative emotion, rather than the emotion itself, because if the problem gets solved, then automatically it means that the thing that caused the negative emotion is gone and I'll start to feel more positive. So I prefer practical advice.

@Gone home You are right that @RiRi needs to consider the consequences of her actions and that she needs to take some action to break free from her cycle of negativity, but I agree with @Miss Chief's point that it isn't so simple as saying to someone not to be selfish, or to pull themselves together and not feel sorry for themselves, because depression is a chemical imblaance in the brain and it just doesn't work like that - you can be fine one minute and suddenly it hits you and you might also feel suicidal at this point. I think that a person who comes onto a forum like this and posts that they need help is unlikely at this point to kill themselves - because they have recognised what is going on and and are looking for other solutions - but it does mean that they are suffering depression and have suicidal thoughts, and the potential danger is that they could in the future have another sudden bout of depression and commit suicide on impulse. I think that a lot of suicides happen this way, that the person is suddenly overcome and makes an impulsive and irreversible decision to kill themselves. So I think that it's important that @RiRi does seek help and treatment for the depression. Coming here and posting this is attention-seeking, but I suppose this is how she deals with neagative emotions and it's probably going to be healthier for her to express the negative emotions outwardly than to bottle them up. I think that people should be able that they can do this, that they can talk about such feelings with fear of judgement.

 

Edited by Nesf

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Sanctuary

I think that for some people Asperclick can be the only place where they can find a supportive community. Sometimes this is because they are very socially isolated and feel they have no-one they can talk to in their immediate environment. In other cases they do have people around them such as family, friends and co-workers but either find them unsupportive (sometimes even the cause of their unhappiness) or they feel they are burdening or upsetting them by confessing their problems. Often though these people - if they are supportive - can be the best route out of depression and other difficulties. Clearly some problems require practical help from people such as doctors, psychologists, social workers, employment and financial experts and bosses but the moral (and often practical) advice from the non-experts we spend our lives with remains vital.

I would say most people on this forum (including myself) have been through periods of depression. Sadly these problems are all too common on the spectrum but they afflict many off it as well. Depression and other psychological problems are hard to solve and often hard to explain. However the first step is always to start talking and get help of whatever kind - moral or practical.

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Gone away
1 hour ago, Nesf said:

@Gone home You are right that @RiRi needs to consider the consequences of her actions and that she needs to take some action to break free from her cycle of negativity, but I agree with @Miss Chief's point that it isn't so simple as saying to someone not to be selfish, or to pull themselves together and not feel sorry for themselves, because depression is a chemical imblaance in the brain and it just doesn't work like that

Thats the third comment (wrongly and naively) implying I don't know all this. 
A couple of years back someone left citing not wanting to be involved in a juvenile pity party (not an exact quote) ... which I feel is appropriate in this case.
I stand by everything I said, which bearing in mind the gratuitously triggering post was extremely understated, diplomatic and reserved .... 
 

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Miss Chief
2 hours ago, Gone away said:

Thats the third comment (wrongly and naively) implying I don't know all this. 

To be fair you did pretty much spell it out, I don't see that it's on us if we take you at your word, and that was the only thing I mentioned, in all honesty, I felt your messages were a bit aggressive/combative given the topic matter. I think you could have worded it a bit more gently is all, whether you think this is drama/attention seeking or not, surly it is better to play it safe? But I'm not here to argue with you.

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Nesf
2 hours ago, Gone away said:

Thats the third comment (wrongly and naively) implying I don't know all this.

I didn't say, or even imply, that you don't know all this. I'm just saying what I think, and why,  just as you were doing in your posts.

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Asgardian

I don't think it would be right to try and suggest that @Gone away is wrong in everything he said. Let us get some perspective here. Firstly before taking into account what he actually said he has the right to voice an opinion. It might be a different approach to how others on this thread have responded but he is still entitled to do so. Secondly, he is absolutely right in saying that some of what @RiRi said on this thread was wrong. I am pretty sure she actually admitted that herself. If the OP is agreeing with what the poster has said then surely that poster is making at least one valid point. Furthermore, being brutally honest and taking into account the fact that @RiRi is clearly in a bad place which we have all acknowledged, including @Gone away, it does have to be said that she has posted threads in the past which have effectively been about seeking attention and making people on here feel sorry for her. As I said in my initial post, nobody ever knows what is going on in somebody else's head and so I am NOT criticising @RiRi for this, just stating that as something which has happened in the past. 

Not for one second am I suggesting that I agree with everything @Gone away said. We have agreed a lot in the past on various topics on this forum but that doesn't mean I won't speak my mind when I think he is wrong about something. But if his opinion is shot down just because it goes against the grain of the other reactions on this thread then surely this thread becomes more and more what he said it is  - a pity party.

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