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blacktiger911

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blacktiger911

i have been struggling with the though of hurting myself. my mental state is slowly deteriorating and its making me want physical pain over emotional and i relish in the pain when i accidentally hurt myself. i have no partner anymore and tharapy is just to expensive for me and pill dont work. am i just broken? is it a sign? i want this all to stop SO bad. i get up at 4 in the morning work till 7 at night get home sleep do it all again and i just st and game on the weekends. thats not much of a life. im running out of things to keep me going and i cant afford with my bank account, my sanity, or my job to go to a ward.

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Heather

Maybe you should take a vacation, plan something fun for you.  Getting up at 4 am and not getting home by 7 pm sounds pretty awful and I would be tired from that too.  Even with less of a workload. And if you recently separated from your partner, I think it is more understandable you need a break and need to spend some time doing something you love. Remember you have choices. If you choose to play video games, enjoy that! Don't worry about if others might think it is not enough of a life.  But if you want to take a break, go for a walk, indulge in a good movie or a good book... try to relax and take time for yourself. If you feel you are working too much maybe you should ask if you could work a day less or a few hours less at least on some days.. Maybe you need to get help with your finances.. if you are working so much but still feel like you are not able to afford things, maybe you need to get some help/advice on that.  Take some time for yourself though, that is my advice.

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DC1346
On 2/12/2018 at 8:18 AM, blacktiger911 said:

i have been struggling with the though of hurting myself. my mental state is slowly deteriorating and its making me want physical pain over emotional and i relish in the pain when i accidentally hurt myself. i have no partner anymore and tharapy is just to expensive for me and pill dont work. am i just broken? is it a sign? i want this all to stop SO bad. i get up at 4 in the morning work till 7 at night get home sleep do it all again and i just st and game on the weekends. thats not much of a life. im running out of things to keep me going and i cant afford with my bank account, my sanity, or my job to go to a ward.

I am sorry for your pain. I used to have problems with chronic depression ... and then one day I was diagnosed with autism and everything suddenly made sense. The reason I was depressed was because despite all of my efforts, I never quite fit in. I didn't have many friends. My relationships were far and few between. Most were also short lived. What was wrong with me? As it turns out, I'm autistic. Once I received my clinical diagnosis, several things happened. I stopped being depressed. Since I have always felt inclined towards being a reclusive introvert, I gave myself permission to do just that. Having transferred to a new school in a rural area of the state, I didn't know anyone and during the three years that I've been here, I haven't made any effort to make any friends ... AND I FEEL GREAT. Not having to have friends relieved me of a great deal of stress since developing and maintaining a friendship takes a lot of time and energy. 

So let's talk about you.

You haven't provided very much information. I infer from your post that you would like to have friends and/or a significant other. Is this true?

What do you do for a living? If you work, don't you have medical benefits? Even if you don't have medical benefits, I know from personal experience that a lot of therapists have sliding scales. If you tell a therapist up front what your situation is, he/she might give you a discounted rate.

Without knowing more about you, I can only offer general advise.

It sounds as though you have two issues. You're depressed and you're lonely. Are you depressed because you're lonely or are these two separate issues?

On the premise that you're depressed because you're lonely, let's address your loneliness.

Instead of sitting around your home, why don't you become more active?

  1. Join meetup. Meetup is a social network that allows people to form groups for specified interests. Each group gets access to a board in which they may post their interests and solicit members for various activities. If you like dining out, you could see if there's a dining group. If you like playing board games, you could find a gaming group. There are also craft groups, travel groups, hiking groups etc. The availability of any particular group depends upon whether there are people in the area who share these interests. If you can't find a group that you're interested in, you could always start your own group. Given your state of mind, I would suggest that you join an existing group. Speaking from personal experience, I think it's a lot easier for people (NT or Aspie) to make friends if they share common interests.
  2. Are you religious? Go to Church. If you're Christian, Church isn't just about Church. Churches are also communities. There are ministries to feed the homeless and to repair houses. Some Churches operate food banks. Many offer game nights, video nights, or other social activities. Some even have singles' groups. 
  3. Have you ever worked as a volunteer? I've been a volunteer baker for the USO in Saudi Arabia. I've served with the Red Cross Disaster Relief. I've been a volunteer firefighter. I've even helped out at a Church's food bank. Volunteering allows you to give to others. It also puts you in touch with like minded people and who knows, you might make one or more friends while helping out your community. How do you become a volunteer? Google volunteer needs in your area. If you like animals, check for local Humane Societies or animal shelters. You could also check with your local library or with social services to see if they have volunteer needs.
  4. If you're looking for a significant other, try a dating website. 
  5. If you feel that you're in danger of hurting yourself, please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. This number is available for 24/7 for anyone living in the States. At the very least, it might be good for you to talk to someone. This service could also help put you in touch with a local support group. 

Be well. 

David

 

 

 

 

 

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